OLIVER & OLIVIA

Oliver is growing stronger day after day, and he knows it. Yet, he is still not strong enough. He is not strong because Olivia is still with him. She is always there, haunting him, following him like a shadow, a dark reminder of what he really is. In fact, Olivia might still be stronger than him.

Oliver can't remember when he first confronted Olivia, when he realised he was different and not just another part of her. It was a long time ago, and the two have been fighting ever since. Oliver is stronger now; he can afford to keep Olivia hidden in the shadows, away from everybody. He calls her "his dark side", and hates it when she somehow manages to come back to him; when someone discovers her. Because, of course, he can hide her all he wants, but can't make Olivia disappear; at least not yet. He has to allow her to come back, because no matter how strong he is, there are still things against which he is totally powerless.

Oliver is powerless because he is just a name, a conviction. He exists as long as other people acknowledge that existence, but it is hard to exist by himself. Olivia, on the other hand, is the unwanted presence that is always there, no matter how much he denies it. She is the body, she is the voice; she exists by herself. It doesn't matter how much he pushes her away, for now he can't exist without her.

Oliver hates it. He hates how he needs that strange body to move and that appalling voice to speak for him. He hates having to rely on Olivia for all this. He can't, he just can't, rely on Olivia's existence forever – or rather, he can't cope with her existence forever. He wants no more shadows, no more whispers in the back of his mind. No more awkward self-conscious moments when he is trying to make friends for what he is, not what Olivia makes him be. No more invisible hands tying that body – that body that is not his – and no more hands closing his mouth when he wants to speak, but is ashamed to do so.

Oliver fears Olivia might threaten his existence. He fears it in his words and his movements, he half-expects them to give him away, to weaken that existence that still isn't, that is still fearful and ashamed of his female companion. Olivia's threat keeps him at bay, keeps his true self from really showing what he is made of. He might say he is wary of others, but in fact he is wary of how Olivia will show herself to others when he drops his guard.

Oliver wants to be free. He knows he will someday. That hope is what kept him going, what gave him strength when there was no one else to support him. He knows how to make Olivia disappear; he has it all planed in his mind. The only problem is that it takes time. It takes time and he feels like he hasn't got any time left. For all the problems Olivia has caused him, he can't wait.

Oliver, for the person he wants to be, for the person he needs to be, has to let go of Olivia. He has waited for so long, and will have to wait more. It will be worth in the end; at the very end, far for now; far from that agony of being and not being. He has to wait. His day will come. Until then…

Until then I don't know.