I sprang up in my bed, out of breath, chills running up and down my spine. My palms were sweating. My heart was racing. Was I having a panic attack? I looked at the clock. Was I having a panic attack at three o'clock in the morning?
It took twenty minutes for my heart rate to go back to normal. Then, I layed back down, ready to decipher that dream. I knew that sleep was out of the question.
I never dreamt of a guy before. As much as I tried with Sam, it never happened. And, now, I was dreaming of Paul, and not even an ounce of effort was implied.
I don't know when I stopped analyzing the dream and drifted back to sleep.
This time, I dreamed of Paul again. But, it wasn't in the present tense. It was more like me and Paul when we are in our twenties. Looks like early to midtwenties from what I can tell.
We were out to dinner in a restaurant that I have never seen before in my life, but the food looked pretty good. The plates were empty so I guessed that we had recently just finished eating.
"Maria", he said. He got down on one knee. "I'm in love with you. You were the first that I loved, and ever since we were in high school, I had always known that you were the girl I wanted to marry. The past two years without you, were hell. I can never live without you, not now, not ever again. Will you marry me?"
"Oh my God!" I yelled. "Yes! I love you too, Paul. I'd be proud to be called your wife. Of course I'd marry you Paul. I can't live my life without you."
He smiled, and got a ring from his pocket. He opened the black box, and revealed the ring. It was silver, with a medium sized diamond. It was perfect.
He took it out of the box. "I love you," he said smiling.
"I love you"-
Suddenly pop music disturbed my moment of pure fantasy. My eyes popped open, and instead of Paul, inches away, my pillow was in its place.
Why am I having these kind of dreams? I asked myself that as I got ready for school. And another question is, why did they feel so right? So perfect? Was I really going to fall in love and marry Paul? And how come I never dreamt of Sam before? Was Paul my true love? And did all of this really mean anything? Or was I just crazy?
I was wondering that all of the way to first period algebra. As much as I tried to pay attention to the actual lesson, my mind wouldn't make the effort. The only thing I could think about was Paul and the dreams. Was I really in love?
I knew that I had to tell him that I like him. I had to nip it right in the bud, before I fell too hard, and I got hurt again. I couldn't face a broken heart again. Not after recently putting it behind me. I couldn't face all that pain. Especially twice in less than a months time.
The bell rang, and I was on my way to second period. History class. I was dreading this, even though I got to see Paul. I knew that I would either go home happy, or in love, or in tears.
But why did I have to tell him now? My feelings would still be here tomorrow. It can wait.
The chills in my spine that I experienced when I was dreaming magically appeared the moment when I saw glimpse of his face. What was with these stupid chills? They made me want to jump, but at the same time, they felt, well good.
"Hey Paul," I said.
He turned around, and smiled when he noticed that it was me. "Hey," he said. Oh, God, that accent of his was making me melt like chocolate fondue.
What was with my body and my subconscious mind today? It like had it in for me.
"So what are you reading?" I asked, pointing to the open book on his desk.
"Oh, it's some book about the civil war", he said.
"Can I see?" I asked.
He smiled warmly. "Sure," he said, handing the book to me.
I skimmed the cover, and flipped through it. It sounded interesting, yet a little bit over my head, much too challenging for my taste. I handed the book back to him.
"Sounds interesting. You're interested in the Civil War, right?" I asked, trying to make conversation. He fascinated me. I never met anyone like him before in my entire life. He was both smart and witty, in addition to cute. A rare combination to find, and you'd be crazy to let that combination go.
"Oh, I'm not just interested in the Civil War. All wars and battles interest me. One of my favorites to study is the Battle of Normandy", he said.
"The Battle of Normandy is when in World War Two, when the Allie Powers tried to trick the Nazi, right?" I asked.
He perked up, like a dog about to get table scraps. "Yes, how did you know that?"
"I guess I payed attention during history class last year when we were studying World War Two. I got like an A on the test", I said.
"I guess either you studied hard for it, or you have a great memory. Or, both", he said.
"Yes, I have", I laughed.
"That's a good quality to have", he said.
I laughed again. "Thanks", I said.
Our conversation was interrupted by Mr. Woods. Damn, he had so start teaching us right now, of all times. Even though it was his job, and everything, I just never wanted this conversation to end. This is heaven. Or wait heaven on Earth. All of Sam's hurt was melting away, all the hurt that he did was erasing. I was beginning to heal. I was beginning to feel complete, unbroken.
I've got to tell him. But it can wait. I'll still like him then.
Tomorrow came. And I didn't tell him. And the day after, I swore that I was going to do it. But, no I did it. Every night, I would dream of him, the dreams weird, yet feeling oh so good.