Glances into the Minds of the Unfortunate
By Devonny Auriel
Part One: The Truth About Bitches
There is a universal truth that I have come to know and love and that is this: In life, there are bitches. You can't avoid them, you can't truly befriend them, and you can't deny that there is a little piece of bitch in all of us.
I've come to notice that there are also three kinds of bitches. The cliché-bitch is the first. You come across her only in movies and books, but hardly ever in real life. This girl is often times incredibly popular, beautiful, rich, and treats everyone as if they are the scum of the Earth. She also has an obsession with getting her hair and nails done every Saturday. Her name is Queen Bitch.
I've never met this bitch. In fact I doubt she even exists. Rather, I have a sneaking suspicion that Queen Bitch only gets her story told because one unfortunate soul happened to run into her and wrote about it. And people everywhere sprouted up with their own stories about Queen Bitch and everyone enjoyed hearing about them because it gave them the wonderful excuse that, whenever they do something a little catty, they will never be as bad as the Queen herself. No, Queen Bitch only lives in the hearts of every clichéd teen movie.
Of course there are bound to be a bunch of heartbroken girls, hell, even scorned males, who will deny my statements and insist that, No, really, such a bitch does exist. Common misconception. The awful cretin that you will actually run into who sparks this hatred is Bitch Number 2: Two-Faced Whore.
Two-Faced Whore is just as her names implies her to be, except, okay, she's not necessarily a slut. (Although deep down her bitchiness is usually attributed to a lack of self confidence which will, in turn, make her run into the arms – or should I say pants – of many men. So, really, it's not too far off base to say that Two-Faced Whore is a fitting name.) She is a nasty, flesh eating bacteria that acts sweet to your face and talks crap behind her back. Do I really need to explain this one? Of course I don't. Unlike Queen Bitch, Two-Faced Whore exists in almost every social circle. You know her, you're probably even her "friend", and you hate her guts.
Despite what you may think, my observations of the bitch species is not due to an unfortunate bias against women. Here's the thing. I don't go around complaining about bitches because I've been picked on one time too many. I'm not bitter. Rather, I am a bitch. Bitch number three to be precise. A.k.a., the bitch that gets a bad rap because she doesn't lie.
You'd think this would be a well-enjoyed characteristic. Telling the truth is a virtuous trait that the big guy upstairs rants about constantly. Unfortunately, humans don't like the truth. Actually, wait, rule out guys in this. Guys probably could care less about anything that comes out of anyone's mouth unless it will distract them from playing video games.
Women hate the truth. Women only like it when it's benefiting them. The rest of the time they want white lies.
Your best friend has recently been dumped and keeps posting ridiculous, self-disparaging, embarrassing BuddyBook status updates about how she'd "Do anything to have you back for just one more night" and blah blah. So Bitch Number 3 rolls her eyes and says, "You're acting stupid. Stop posting shit like that, it will only make him happier that he dumped you." Cue abrupt exit by female friend as she goes to cry in her pillow for hours.
A guy sits next to you on the bus to school and starts to small chat. Bitch Number Three has an entire chapter of an agonizing textbook to read in the short ride to class and wants none of this. She gives him a flat look, says, "I'm fine" and leaves it at that. Guy will then scoff under his breath about your bitchy attitude and ignores you the rest of the ride. Do you care? Of course not. If you belong in the third category of bitches, you hate small talk.
Third example. You're scanning the room for potential guys to hook up with. Do you want a serious relationship? Of course not, that would imply dealing a person far longer than you would ever want to. Instead you stick to dates. As Bitch Number Three you don't pretend to see dating as anything other than it is: A great way to score some free food and calm your libido. A scrawny guy who has bad teeth and an even worse sense of style tries to hit on you. You ignore him. Everyone laments on how rude it is of you to never give the guy a chance but why even bother? He's a dork. You will never like him, nor will you ever be attracted to him. Every other girl in the room is probably thinking the same thing as you but doesn't want to admit to being shallow. Bitch Number Three doesn't care. Why deny a normal human trait? People are shallow, and looks do matter.
The list of behaviors goes on and on but it generally revolves around this: Bitch Number Three doesn't pretend to be someone she's not. She really shouldn't be put down for it, if you think about it she's doing the world a favor. No one can say she leads them on.
Bitch Number Three can go by many names. I'm an expert on Bitch Number Three and as such deserve the right to refer to her from here on out as Kaylehn Davies. And before you rattle on and on about how it's rude of me to put some poor girl out on the spot, calling her out as a bitch, don't worry.
I'm Kaylehn Davies. And I whole-heartedly admit that I am a bitch.