everything came back last night.
(all progress was lost.)
you said it before.
-and no, I won't throw this out of context. I won't pretend it means more then it should. because you didn't know what you were saying, when you told me:
"what are you talking about? we're perfect for each other."
like I said, I won't pretend this means anything, real. I'm not, a stupid girl.
(lie, I am a very very stupid girl)
I hate that I saw you in the library that day. because everything after that hurt so fucking bad. how do I heal from that? drinking? there would be no room left for food.
fuck you! fuck you for fucking me! and etching your face into the back of my spine. (eating eating eating away everything I am!). how am I supposed to heal when you are still in me? when I can't stop dreaming of you?
(I swear to god it hurts all the time) why would you do this to me? I-nearly loved you.
you know, you know! we could have fallen in love. (I think…that's why you left, actually.)
I hate that I saw your car on the way to school. with your 'FREE SHAMU' bumper ticker matching my "FREE SHAMU" bumper sticker. (do you have any idea much that pisses me off?)
I hate! that I sat in the same seat I was in when I saw you in the library. I hate that something in me wanted to see you. unlike last time when seeing you was terrible and I instantly wanted to get out, to get away from you. and I took the first opportunity to flee. where did that girl go?
suddenly! I am terrified at the prospect of never seeing you again.
every time I think I see you on campus I choke. and my insides coil and shift, causing my heart to rupture, and my lungs to empty. do you have any idea how badly that hurts? by the look in your eyes, I would say yes.
I'm so tired of: crying, dreaming, writing, wanting, missing, falling. falling. falling.
I hate that I still don't understand, why you left. I still don't understand what "commitment issues" means… why that means you can't see me anymore. why something like that, something that was so easy to say, would be worth all this -pain.
(please make it stop, I can't take it anymore) everything's open and bleeding, with no hope of repair.
I can't survive like this, much longer.
what do I do if I can't stop?
(what happens then?)