I have a little secret. I have a crush on someone else besides my Miho. Who is it? Its not a woman. I have a crush on a guy! Shocker, I know. Yes, I am a lesbian. I still am attracted to women. So how do I have a crush on a guy? I will tell you.
This man, named Miki, looks like a woman at first glance. Yes, I said it right. Yamaguchi Miki looks like a straight up woman. I met him during New Years Day at the shrines. Miho and I went there to wish for a more fulfilling relationship. As Miho prayed for us, I happened to peek up and see Miki for the first time. At first, I thought he was she. Miki looked pretty hot for a guy. Short white blonde hair, lovely black eyes, trim figure, tall for a Japanese person, and dressed in casual wear of jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt. I couldnt help but to stare at her. She held my attention the whole time. Let me tell you now, I have never thought about cheating before in my life. But, this woman tempted me to do bad! I began having wild fantasies about her. Everything was just perfect. But then, it all came unraveled from there.
A man rushed over to Miki. My heart began to sink right away. I began to feel jealous. Oh great! I thought. A straight taken girl! But then, the twist came along.
Hello Shojiro! the woman said aloud. That shocked me because it was mans voice! I was crushing on a guy! But that wasnt the topper at all. Miki and Shojiro were kissing! Miki and Shojiro were kissing! Miki and Shojiro were actually kissing at the shrine! I thought that I would die! Not only is my crush a guy, but he is also gay! With a boyfriend, no less! I just stood there pale in sick shock. Oh, this was not good! Not good at all! A lesbian having a crush on a gay guy! If that isnt a stretch, I dont know what it!
By that time, Miho had stopped praying. I knew because I felt someone poking me in the back of the right shoulder. I slowly turned around to see my love smiling at me brightly. I felt really bad now. Here I was crushing on a taken gay man and I was already in a committed relationship. I felt like a traitor and hypocrite. My Miho noticed that something was wrong with me.
Andi-chan, whats the matter? she asked me. I quickly shook my head at her.
Nothing, I lied quickly. Nothing at all. Im just a little cold standing out here. She looked at me with sympathy. My girlfriend put her arm around me.
Dont worry, she said to me. When we get home we can cuddle under the sheets when get home. The last part of that sentence sounded so naughty. It made me feel a little bit better about myself. I nodded at her with a little smile.
Okay, I said replied to her. That was three weeks ago. Now, I just cant stop thinking about Miki. He was just so attractive that day. That fact that he lives in the apartment facing us does not help me at all. I found that he learned nearby us when Miho told me after I asked about him while we were making dinner one day in January.
Miki and his boyfriend, Shojiro, have always lived near us, she told me aloud. Almost two years now. I looked at her confused.
How come I did know that? I asked her. Miho shrugged at me as she dumped the rice in the boiling pot in the water.
I dont know, she replied. Maybe youre just not observant as you used to be. I looked at her slightly offended.
And whats that supposed to mean? I snapped at her. Miho shrugged at me as she closed the pot over the rice.
You tell me, she replied. I just looked at her unhappily on that one. Bitch! I thought. But, I knew that she was right. Ever since Miho stopped cheating on me, I let my guard down and stopped examining people that she talked or even looked at. My detective skills had been put on the back shelf. But now I seemed to have fallen behind with my skills.
Ever since that night when Miho wasnt home, in the bathroom, or asleep in our bed, I watch Miki from our bedroom window. I see him come out of the shower getting dressed for bed or work. He always wears a towel around his waist, so it helps not to kill my fantasies about him. I imagine him with a female body to him. I want to do so many things to him. I want to kiss and a caress on his lovely tender body. I just want to get lost in him warm inviting sensual embrace. I just want to hold him and love him like his boyfriend does.
My fantasies about my beloved Miki play over and over again like a popular movie night after night. I cant shut them off. They only pause when Shojiro comes into the room and seduces Miki into bed with him. He kisses my crush on the lips and Miki kisses back. Shojiro closes the blinds in the end, leaving me staring out the window feeling so cold. But yet, my fantasies never stop playing. They coming running in my head over and over again even when I do go to bed at night afterwards.
I know this is not healthy for me at all. But yet, I dont know I cant stop. Maybe its because he is gay and I am lesbian. So, I know that nothing will happen between us. Maybe It is because I know that he doesnt know I even exist and will probably even say hello to me unless Miho introduces me to him in a next to impossible chance one of these days that will never happen. Maybe, it is because I just want something I know I can never have. I dont really know how to break it down into words. If I could banish my feelings about Miki, I would. But until then, I will have to do with these fantasies stuck on repeat in my head.
I Want to be the Object of Your Passion, but its Hopeless