An Improper LoveChapter 1

"I think I want to do law."

Christine – Chris to close friends (which would be me and whoever her current boyfriend was) slowed her pace on the exercise bike so that its crazed whine became a more palpable beat.

"What?!" her voice was higher than the whine of the bike had been.

"I said that I think I'm going to go to law school" I repeated.

She waved me away as if I was being redundant on purpose.

"I heard that the first time – what I meant was why?"

I couldn't help grinning.

"So 'what' means 'why' now…?"

I'd stopped pedaling altogether and wanted to catch my breath before having to provide the long winded explanation of my life decisions to my closest friend. Besides, I knew she was surprised and it gave me a kick to be able to surprise her despite her knowing the ins and outs of my life for the past ten years.

Chris stopped too and wiped her face with the ultra white towels she seemed to have an endless supply of. I've always thought that she probably threw them away after a single use otherwise I couldn't fathom how she managed to keep them that pristine.

"You know what I mean." She tapped her perfectly manicured nails on the display of the bike, for once too preoccupied to compulsively check for the number of calories she'd burnt.

I mopped my forehead on my sleeve of my tee-shirt. Hmm … it could really use a wash, as could I.

"Jules…"

Alright, I was trying to avoid this conversation but Chris was nothing if not persistent once she'd gotten her teeth into something. She wasn't an M&A (that's mergers and acquisitions for those uninitiated) banker for nothing.

"Well, I think to make partner I need to have some sort of graduate degree and it'll be pretty useful in venture sourcing." There, that sounded like a convincing enough answer, didn't it?

Chris and I had begun our careers in banking together – straight from undergraduate. While she had found a natural home in M&A, I had ultimately shifted to venture capital. I had believed that investing in new businesses, the potential to make – or lose millions had the element of thrill that I was looking for. But it was the same formulaic number crunching and I'd finally had enough. Not that I was ever going to admit that to anyone…

"Bullshit." Chris only took enough time to gasp that out before she drained the remnants of her Evian. "You don't need to do law for your work at all… with the number of in-house promotions and you being as good as you are you don't even need a graduate degree. And if that was the only reason, you'd be doing a year long masters in finance or something to get it out of the way. You, my dear, are having a quarter life crisis."

She walked past me leaving only the swinging door of the shower room to bear witness to my furious denial.

"Quarter life crisis indeed – where do you come up with shit like this Chris?"

We were in shower stalls next to each other and although the sizzle of the hot sprays muted her voice, it didn't drown it completely…although I wished it did.

"I didn't come up with it darling. It's an accurate phenomenon that describes the dilemma of the noveau yuppie – like you, for example. After striving all your life for the 'right' things – the right grades in school to get into a the right universities; the right grades there to land you the right job and the right money, now that you have it, you just don't know what to do with it. You ask yourself the purpose all of this serves and you come up with nothing. Hence the quarter life crisis to attempt to inject some meaning into your otherwise glittering but hollow life."

This is why I hate talking to Chris and this is why I have to. She tells me the truths I'm too much of a coward to admit myself. And the truth was that I was burnt out – oh not physically, I think I was meant to run on four hours of sleep a night but simply tired of following the monotony of the work that brought money but lacked an elusive something – call it meaning, purpose, whatever – which would satisfy me.

So I silently changed into my work clothes and waited for my personal guru to continue.

"I personally think its all rubbish," she preached to her rapt audience of one, "except for the part about boredom. Because that is exactly what you are – bored."

She surveyed me with a critical eye. "You never did learn to live the lifestyle did you?" And before I could say anything she was yanking at my shirt collar and gasping like she was about to have a coronary.

"Gap! For the love of all that is good and green … you wear bloody Gap shirts! I mean, you can at least do Brooks Brothers if not Saks."

I twisted away and rolled my eyes. "Its just clothes Chris … and nobody can make out the difference. They're all fuckin' made in China anyway. I bet they're all stitched in the same place and separated into different assemblies only to affix the different labels."

"That's not the point darling."

I waited for her to pontificate.

"The point is that there is a certain amount of self congratulation when one can drop a hundred bucks on a shirt without batting an eye. It makes you feel like you've gotten somewhere; makes you feel good about yourself."

She ignored my snort and continued, "However, like I was saying, you never did get the hang of enjoying these things so why not get yourself something that'll prove to you that that money is indeed a worthy end for your job."

She clipped on a pretty little Tiffany brooch and looked so coolly put together with a beige suit, golden hair coiffed perfectly in a French knot and light makeup that somehow turned her baby blues into something harder, it would have been difficult for anyone to fathom that she had been puffing away on an exercise bike less than half an hour back.

Sometimes it made me a bit envious that she could pull off that cool, sophisticated look at the snap of a finger. I never really felt cool or sophisticated and looked even less so. For example, anyone could make out that I had just finished a workout. My shirt was damp, my hair still wet (why bother blow drying it when I was going to be alone at work anyway?) and my suit a bit rumpled from being tossed a little carelessly into the locker. Oh well, I philosophized, if I suddenly looked as impeccable as Chris, I wouldn't know what to do with myself – I'd be too worried about causing a crease line or mussing my hair. The only times I'd ever looked that way was as a child for the painful music recitals I had been dragged to by my stepmother. Don't get me wrong – Mary was a far better mother than my own was to me but I could never be the serene young woman she hoped I would become. This reminded me –

"– or you could have an affair…"

"What?!"

Now it was my turn to look baffled. Chris had been speaking to me for the last couple of minutes as we made our way out but I'd not really been paying attention.

"I thought that would snap out of whichever la-la land you were in."

She looked at me, amused and smug.

"I had been giving you suggestions on what you could do to take your mind off the whole 'finding meaning in your life' trip that you're on."

"It's not a trip and I'm not…"

She didn't even wait for me to finish. "Like you could do something about that spartan dorm room you live in... for heaven sakes, you barely have any furniture and it's all Ikea. One would think you'd have left that behind with ratty sweatshirts in college…"

"You sound like Mary. Last time she dropped by, she wanted to take me to look at fabrics. And when I asked her what I would do with cloth draped all over my place she'd given me that sad shake of her head."

Chris laughed but their constant jabs about how I just didn't know how to live were getting old.

"Chris, I like the way I live. Yes, I probably have less furniture than anyone in Manhattan but I like it that way so just lay off, ok?"

We'd reached her little convertible but instead of going to the driver's side, she came and stood by me.

"Hey, no offense meant. I don't find anything wrong with how you live …"

I rolled my eyes.

She smiled. "Well, I probably couldn't live like that but that doesn't mean its wrong for you. So … no more furniture or fabrics."

She gave me a quick hug before she clicked away and I folded myself into her convertible, careful not to bump my head. By the time I'd reached for the seat belt, she had slid in next to me. If there was one thing Chris and I definitely shared, it was a love of cars. Her latest toy was an Audi R8 and although I refused to buy or long term lease a car in the city; I did rent some fun drives and head out on the highway whenever I could. She and I kept a running tally of our speeding tickets.

"Did you ever test this baby out proper?"

She grinned even as she downshifted into second to match the pace of the city traffic.

"Haven't had a chance yet… I know, why don't you get a car?"

"Chris we've been over this before. I work most weekends and in the city it just doesn't make sense. And when I want to go for a spin, I can take out some nice rentals."

"Ok – so it's not distracting enough… let's see … you could buy a condo…"

"Whyyyy?" I wailed. "I like having the management of my building take care of crap like blinds that get stuck or toilets that get clogged… and can you ever see me raising plants or something?"

"Considering that you even managed to kill the cactus I left with you … no. So there's only one thing left – have an affair."

"Chris, what are you talking about? How did we go from cacti to affairs?"

She shook her head and began speaking slowly like I was being particularly dense.

"You're going on this quest of finding meaning because you're bored with your life. Instead of taking a three year hiatus, pouring down tons of money and halting your flying career, I'd suggest a good shag. It'll take the mundaneness out of your life and will provide instant gratification at very little or no cost to you."

She honked to get the cabbie in front moving. "And if you choose right, you can actually end up with some nice baubles and before you tell me you're not into jewelry, Tiffany diamonds are not 'just jewelry.' But those are just fringe benefits. The real purpose is to get some excitement back in your life."

I only shook my head as we came around to my office building. Funny, by the bustle in the lobby one could hardly guess that it was Saturday.

"Chris – what you suggest is a bandage which doesn't fix the problem." I pointed at the people scurrying around the building. "I don't want to be one of them anymore … maybe I never was and that is why I feel so out of place like I'm living someone else's life."

She looked a little worried so I added, "What, you think you're the only one who can spout psychological bullshit?"

She smiled as I exited and swung my briefcase on my shoulder. I tapped on her window.

"As always – thanks for your advice, even though I probably won't take it … oh yeah, and don't forget you're coming with me for TG at Mary's."

She groaned a little but I knew that made her happy. She wasn't on great terms with her stepmother – as far as I knew, they hadn't spoken in well over two years and if nothing else, Mary had always been welcoming and kind to Chris. For that alone, I'd go fabric shopping with her… ok, maybe that's a bit much, but I'd certainly think about it.

As I went into my office and booted my laptop, I found in my inbox a new email blackberried a few minutes back. And all it said was: Since you've made up your mind you might as well go to Yale

Chris may not completely agree with or even understand my decision but she knew it was important to me and was there, cheering me on.

Chapter 2

"You look wonderful Mary," Chris said as she passed on a bouquet of pink edged white carnations to my step mother.

"Christine, my dear, how lovely to see you again."

They hugged and the thought crossed my mind as it had many times before how much more like a mother-daughter pair they were than Mary and I would ever be. Both were slender blondes with blue eyes and a sense of dressing that would have put Jackie-O to shame.

Next to them I looked and felt almost Amazonish. I had inherited the dark eyes and hair from my Brazilian mother and height and build from both parents. Add a mass of unruly hair to my almost 5'11" frame and all I needed was an animal skin tunic to become some sort of jungle warrior.

When Mary hugged me, I tried to hunch to disguise the fact that she only reached my shoulder.

"Why don't you girls go hang up your coats? I'm expecting a few more guests to join us for dinner … we'll take some wine in the living room."

I didn't risk rolling my eyes till Mary had sailed out of the foyer. Somehow, whether or not she could see my face she always knew.

"Another dinner where I have to avoid being set up."

I couldn't quite suppress my sigh as I straightened the short jacket I wore under my coat.

"Maybe if you gave in once in a while and went out with these guys Mary keeps introducing you to, she wouldn't try quite so hard."

Chris emerged from the coat closet and crinkled her nose as she surveyed me top to bottom. I smoothed the jacket consciously, wondering if there was a forgotten lasagna spot somewhere.

"What?"

"Oh Jules would it kill you to show up at one of Mary's get togethers dressed a bit more …" she waved her hands as if searching for the right word.

"What's wrong with this? C'mon – I wear this to work…"

One look at Chris's face told me that that line of defense had been a bad one to take.

"Exactly. You don't want to be giving the same impression at the dinner table as you do at the board table."

Now that she mentioned it, I couldn't help but notice that next to her I looked decidedly … unfeminine. My navy jacket, white shirt and grey trousers had a definite institutional feel next to her scooped silk blouse and peasant skirt that no peasant could've ever afforded. It struck the right note of chic casual for her but I knew that on me the same getup would look frumpish. It would emphasize all the wrong parts – like my too broad shoulders, too tall height and too long arms.

I had always been a little … ok, maybe substantially, insecure about my body and times like this reminded me just why. I had shot to my full height by sophomore year of high school and knew that I was called 'the giantess' to my back, if not to my face. That coupled with the fact that I was already the shy math geek only made me more awkward.

The sundresses and skirts and pastel sweater sets that made all the other girls look graceful only made me look … strapping. It didn't help that I had been on the swim team forever and had developed shoulders to show for it. The last time I'd ever donned a skirt was in nineth grade when I overheard Dave Temple remark that he would probably pull off being in drag and looking better than me. The fact that the entire eleventh grade found out his secret when he had been caught kissing Bobby Moore a few weeks later didn't assuage the sting of his remark.

Mary tried telling me that those silly boys and their comments were not worth my time but my only real solace came through losing myself either though creating online personas on gaming sites or by playing the stock market. There are certain advantages of being a math geek – my monthly allowance was a couple of thousand bucks by the time I had graduated high school.

However, it was not until I met Chris my freshman year in college that I was able to see myself as anything but gawky and awkward.

I had been unpacking in my room when the unwelcome smell of marijuana had assailed me and I walked over to my suitemate's room to ask her to either stop smoking or ventilate her room better.

I opened the door to a darkened room and it took my eyes a moment to discern a figure sitting cross legged in the middle of what seemed like a sand dune of clothes, smoking a hand rolled.

"Hey," the figure said, "I'm Christine. I love clothes and I'm stoned. And you are gorgeous."

I was so taken aback by the compliment that I forgot to ask her not to smoke up in the suite. The next day, she saw me leaving for class and called after me, "I'd try those jeans with a baggier sweater."

Within a week Christine – Chris by then – had become my fashion coordinator and with her I learnt how to use lipstick, mascara and pencil to highlight the slight tilt in my eyes and to emphasize my full lips. I found colors and styles that suited my darker complexion and sure enough by the time the freshman formal came around, I didn't have to wait around for dates. I hooked up with my first guy at the formal.

Mary had been thrilled at the fact that I'd finally come out of my cocoon and I heard her tell her friend once when I was home for spring break that she always knew I was going to be late bloomer.

I never had the heart to tell her that what she was seeing was but a mask that I would choose to don from time to time. The real me was still the kid who played online games and the stock market with panache but could never be sure of herself when a guy approached her.

I went out with a couple of guys in college but it never got too serious. Somehow I could never get comfortable enough with them and the uneasy sense of being untrue to myself always lurked in my mind when I went out on dates. I could never become comfortable enough to tell them that really, dressing up and going for fancy dinners was simply not my gig.

Mary had married my dad right after college when she was interning at his company and had been a little disappointed that I didn't find my true love in college. So began her mission of introducing me to men who were high potentials to get the ring on my finger and all my efforts to dissuade her simply did not go anywhere.

And somehow, standing right there in the foyer, all of it came crashing down on me. My week had been a hard one – who'd have thought that studying for the LSATs would be quite so tough …? Between work and getting my applications together, I was feeling drained and I wondered if law school was just another version of me trying to become what I was not … maybe all I could do was crunch numbers and look decidedly unfeminine next to my stepmother and best friend.

"Stop, stop right now before you drown yourself in your abyss of gloom."

Chris's voice snapped me out of my rapidly spiraling mood.

"I know what you're thinking and you're absolutely silly to think so. You look great – all I was going to suggest was you wearing something casual. But it looks like Mary's set up the formal dining room so its perfect… you're perfect. Let's go."

Her words made me feel better – she hardly ever says something she doesn't mean but I was still a little unhappy and just not in the mood to make small talk.

We entered the living room where Mary had already poured out some undoubtedly expensive red for us. I have never really been much of a wine connoisseur and red wine normally goes straight to my head but for once I embraced that property. So I said very little and drank a little too much and by the time Mary was introducing me to Mr. and Mrs. Shaw and their son Brad, I was already a little light headed.

The Shaws were in their sixties and I wondered for the umpteenth time why Mary spent her time with the country club fogies. She had been just about twenty three when she married my dad who was fifteen years her senior. While they were married, I guess it was understandable but why she continued to fossilize with the baby boomers after he'd died was beyond me.

I had drifted from the dinner conversation again and instead of trying to focus on that again, I checked out the golden Brad. He was a doctor of some sort and if his mother was to be believed, nothing short of a savior of humanity. Hopkins med - did the rounds in the Peace Corps, something about saving babies in Africa and having gratified his conscience was now probably raking in the big bucks treating neurotic old ladies in Greenwich.

I mentally checked my sarcasm and tried to think of some positive points about him. He was good looking enough, if one went for the well groomed, straight cut look. Dark brown hair, light brown eyes that had slight lines fanning from the sides and belayed his age as being somewhere in the mid thirties and a well toned body that made him appear much younger.

Somewhere along the line, the thought of finding him good looking got crossed with Chris's advice of earlier that the evening of atleast appearing to consider some of the guys Mary set me up with and further muddled with the vague notion of not wanting to disappoint Mary any more.

So in a fit of dutiful righteousness, I looked him straight in the eye across the table and addressed him directly the first time that evening.

"So … you gonna make a pass at me or what?"

The dead silence that followed told me that my proclamation did not sound as appropriate as it had in my head.

"Of course I'll pass you the salt… oh but I think you dropped something on your jacket – here, I'll help you fix it up…"

Chris had jumped in to my rescue and was leading me from the dining room before I made a worse fool of myself. I stayed in the bathroom while she made me a cup of instant coffee. Although I hate the stuff, I poured two cupfuls into myself and within fifteen minutes had sobered enough to realize the godawful faux pas I had made.

"Oh God Christine – how will I EVER face Mary again?"

"Like anything else dear – one day at a time. I suggest you sit practice a little silence over the remainder of dinner … not that I think it'll last too long …and tomorrow you can apologize to Mary."

"God, I can't believe I got plowed at my stepmother's thanksgiving dinner and embarrassed myself and her guests…"

"Pooh – I don't think Brad was embarrassed, a little stunned but I'm quite sure he looked more amused than anything when I pulled you away from the dining room."

"Yeah … but his parents are probably appalled – and Mary too…"

"Welll … you're probably right about Mary – but you know you'll deal with her tomorrow. As for the parents, I think his father was too sloshed himself to really pay attention and the mother was too busy singing praises of her darling to Mary. So I think it's only Brad who heard and who knows, maybe my cover up worked with him as well…"

"Yeah right – and pigs might fly. Although thanks really – and sorry that I ruined your dinner."

"Nonsense darling – you made my dinner…I'd have fallen asleep any moment with Mr. Shaw's analysis of the political state of the nation."

I must have still looked glum because she added, "…and the best part is that you probably won't have to worry about Mary foisting more guys on you in the near future."

I groaned. Now Mary would probably think I'd done that on purpose.

"Of course you didn't plan it to go this way," Chris squinted up at me as if to ensure that indeed, this hadn't been a purposeful act and then continued, "but now that things are what they are, you might as well look at the silver lining."

And again, she was right. Not that I was proud of my actions – far from it, but still, it was a relief not to worry about who else Mary might find for me.

We went back to the dining room and I tried to look demure for the remainder of the evening, which was hard considering the bemused looks I got from Brad, the puzzled ones from his parents and the half angry- half disappointed ones from Mary.

The dinner from hell finally ended and we saw the guests out. Chris went to get her car while I dug for my coat as she was giving me a ride back to the city.

"Here, let me…"

Mary helped me pull out my coat and stood with the hanger in her hand as I shrugged into it. I took a deep breath and dove in.

"Look Mary… I'm really sorry about tonight. I didn't mean to…"

"If you were not keen on meeting my friends you need only have said it. I will refrain from foisting any more people on you since your behavior tonight made it abundantly clear what you think of that."

"No … it isn't like that … I'm really sorry…"

"Please Julia – atleast do me the courtesy of not lying to me. Since you dislike my interference to this extent, I shall not bother anymore although I wish you didn't have to behave like an immature teenager in order to get your point across."

She turned and started walking towards the stairs.

"Uh, Mary… by the way, I've decided to go to law school."

She paused and looked around. "You're a grown woman Julia – do as you wish." And continued on her way up.

I was too preoccupied on our ride back to even notice the horrible traffic.

"Hey Chris…"

"Hmmm?"

"I told Mary about law school."

"What? Tonight?!"

"Yeah … I figured that since she was mad at me anyway, I might as well get that out of the way as well…"

Chris shook her head and exited into midtown.

"Sometimes, Jules, I think you have the maturity of a fifteen year old…."

Chapter 3

I couldn't help the smug grin from spreading over my face.

Ha! Take that OriginalOne! My hunters had raided one of his core nests and with that I had finally overtaken him to become the reigning queen in the online gaming community of 'Hunters.' No mean feat this, I told myself as I basked in glory in my swivel chair. This game had come online two years back and had gathered more than six million players worldwide and for now, I ruled them all.

I use online video games the same way other people use de-stress squishy balls. Of course companies are little more understanding about squishy toys on people's desks than they are of their internet monitors picking up unusual amounts of time being spent at a certain 'Hunters' website by an employee. So I got into the habit of bringing my personal laptop installed with its own wireless modem and privacy screen to work. Somehow having two computers and constantly switching between them makes me look smart… go figure.

I turned my attention to some analyses that the associates on my teams had sent me and one of the companies they'd evaluated caught my notice. It was a tech startup wanting to target the online gaming community. It was a rather utopian, free for all type model which was why the analysis wasn't favorable but I was intrigued by it nonetheless. I juggled the numbers around to see if there was something that had been missed but even that didn't make much of a difference.

I sighed. Bernard wasn't going to back a venture such as this anyway so there wasn't much use in wasting more time. I turned my attention to some of the other proposals.

Bernard was the director under whom I primarily worked. He and I were driving the new early stage venture division of our fund and I could understand his need to be cautious. The only problem was Bernard was a little too cautious for the gamble involved in early stage funding. And he was one of the bigger 'risk takers' we had.

I have always wanted to work in early stage VC because I thought it would be like playing the market, only better. There was the element of high stakes, the get-big-or-sink type of momentum that pulsed within the entrepreneurial community that held the same draw for me as stocks did but there was the element of having started and grown a company that brought a satisfaction not present in the market.

Ironically, it was working in what had always seemed like my dream job that I realized how tired I was of work. In the attempt to mitigate the risk in what is inherently a dicey game, we did analysis after analysis in the misfounded hope that the numbers could tell us what the future held. What we didn't look for was the level of drive and its focus amongst the people who started the company primarily because we didn't care to make it the next big thing. We cared about making it big enough for a buyout so that our investors were kept happy. America is turning into a megacorporate owned entity and we were helping it become that way.

I shook myself out of the line of thought my musings were taking. I had a meeting with Bernard in a couple of minutes and it wouldn't do to charge into his office thinking rebellious thoughts. If there was one thing Bernard was exceptional at, it was reading people.

"Julia – come on in…"

At first glance, Bernard always reminded me of a mall Santa – big, ruddy with the kind of expression that one would expect him to break into a 'Ho ho ho' any moment. Given that he had almost single handedly built a fund worth five billion and was now one of the head honchos of a much larger fund, he was a legend alright, just a different one from the one who goes sliding down chimneys.

I gave him a run down of the different evaluations and how they stood but instead of the usual barrage of questions that he normally had, he simply waited and let me wind down.

"Well … that's about it…"

"Is it? You know Julia that I, above anyone else, have always seen your potential."

Where was this going?

"Uhh … yes, I know."

He smiled and went towards his window.

"No. You find my way overly cautious and think that I shy away from the more riskier ventures that you have the most passion for."

There was nothing I could say which would not dig me into a hole so I kept my counsel and waited for him to finish.

"In some ways, you might be right. But I have learnt to be more careful over time… its funny really, but your impatience reminds me of myself. Anyway," he turned around to face me, "of late I can see that you're wearing out."

"No, not that you're making mistakes or anything," he waved away the protest that was forming in my mind. "No … it's more that you're losing some of your edge. Lately, all I hear from you are solid, risk averse proposals and that is not what we need from you."

"Am I being fired?"

He snorted and I couldn't wait to find out what he found so funny.

"Not hardly. Quite the contrary actually – I called you here today to ask you to seriously consider returning once you're done with law school."

"What? But how…?"

He had reseated himself opposite me and gave me a genial smile.

"At this point I'm supposed to tell you that I know everything there is to know about people working with me but no… I ran into Mary the other day at the club and she mentioned you were considering law school."

I mentally cursed Mary. Having never worked in the corporate world herself (I can hardly count the few months at my father's company before they got married as 'work') she never understood the need for discretion and keeping information like the kind that you might be considering leaving very quite.

"Don't curse the poor dear. She's a charming woman even if she doesn't understand the real world too well…ofcourse, being your father's widow ensures that she doesn't have to."

I wondered for a moment how Mary felt about people always treating her like a charming but empty headed ditz. She wasn't unintelligent by any measure– only inexperienced but she'd been brought up very strictly by her grandmother who really bought into the whole 'home and hearth being a woman's place' type of ideas. So, even after dad died eight six years into their marriage, and I left for college soon after, she never expressed a wish to get a job or something. Of course, my dad had been a brilliant financier and most people believed that the money he'd minted on the stock market had ensured that she or I never had to work for anything. And I was quite fine letting them believe that.

"Quite a brilliant chap your father …"

I let my silence tell Bernard that that was one place I was not going.

"Alright, well, that is all then … I guess I'll see you at the review on Friday."

"So … do you want me to go on leave now or continue working till August?" I still wasn't too sure of whether he wanted me to continue till I left for school or not.

"Yes, ofcourse," he sounded surprised as if he didn't know from where I was getting the notion that he'd want me to leave. "Unless you don't …"

"No – I mean yes." I took a deep breath. "No, I would rather not leave now and yes, I'd be very happy to continue working."

"Alright then… could you send me the latest valuation of that McKenna company?"

"Sure," I said and left his office.

Chapter 4

"So I will see you this weekend then?"

I hadn't spoken to Mary since the Thanksgiving dinner debacle till when she'd called to ask me over for the weekend and the Christmas party she was hosting on Friday.

The week before Christmas was always crazy though with everyone rushing to finish up before the holiday season and I didn't quite know how to turn down the invite for Friday without being rude. And frankly, even without the work I'd be looking for an excuse not to attend because I knew that it would inevitably turn into one of those gatherings where the women separated from the men and spoke about their latest vacation to Tibet (Paris is so passé dear), their children's and in some cases grandchildren's various accolades and ending with a round of 'who's husband is the biggest winner.'

Their attitude annoyed me no end but I put up with all the 'tell me you're still not looking for a man' because Mary cared about the opinions of these people.

"Uhh … Mary…"

"Actually Jules, there was one more thing…"

"Yeah?"

"Brad – Bradley Shaw is going to be there on Friday and I didn't know if …"

"Oh."

Here it was, my golden chance to seize an excuse to avoid those wretched women. I sighed. I owed both Brad and Mary an apology for my behavior and hiding behind excuses was sheer cowardice.

Mary rushed on in my ear, "I had already invited them before … and I didn't know how to …"

"No need to. I'll be there – no need to make it awkward. I'm sure Brad seen and heard worse and the only way is to carry on like nothing happened."

"If you say so…" Mary sounded rather doubtful that Brad had encountered worse things than an inebriated step daughter of his hostess and after assuring her that that must indeed be the case (he had been in the Peace Corps after all) I let her go to discuss the menu and decorations with Chris.

Mary had learnt early on that I was impartial to the merits of poinsettias or wreaths and my opinions on the type of pudding to be served were equally useless. I guess growing up without these things till the age of ten when Mary entered my life had wired me for a lifetime of nonchalance in the household aspect. I was simply glad that Mary had found a kindred spirit in Chris.

*

It may be the season to be jolly but another half hour of the jovial company at my stepmother's Christmas party and I would be giving a repeat performance of the drunken step-daughter, except that this time it would be on purpose.

There was the manly conversation section where the Giants latest play was carefully analyzed as was the anticipated start of the yachting season and there was the ladies section where engagements, divorces and most importantly, affairs were given careful consideration. Occasionally, a round of 'communication between couples' was serendipitously slipped in when a woman would call out to her husband with some open ended remark (wasn't it dreadful what happened to the Jameses) so that he could hit a home run with his equally vague reply (Oh yes, terrible) and she could show her friends what a sharing relationship they had.

Standing by the fireplace at the fringe of both groups, I had managed to successfully avoid direct conversation with either. Sometimes I thought that the online personas people created were far more real than this delicate farce laid out before me. At least there, the way they thought, their strategies and actions reflected who they were. Take for example, OriginalOne – he was patient and preferred to let the opponent make the first strike. Yet, I wouldn't say that he played a defensive game – he simply preferred to take out the weaker players who didn't have resources to match his. A blitzkrieg strategist, if you will. I had never met him, yet I felt that I could relate to him, that I recognized him more as a person than I did most of the faces at the party whom I'd met a dozen times, if not more.

"A penny for your thoughts?"

The voice came from my left and startled me out of my reverie.

"The rate at which the stock of my thoughts is slipping, see me in a half hour and you'd be able to get more than a couple for a penny…"

Brad laughed and I gave him an answering smile.

"I do owe you an apology though. I'm quite embarrassed about my behavior at thanksgiving…"

"Nothing to forgive but don't ask me to forget it."

Jesus. Why could these things never be easy?

"Why?" I asked.

"Why, what?" he replied and made me roll my eyes.

"Why can't you forget it?"

He looked surprised.

"Are you kidding me? In my entire memory that was probably the only dinner I've attended with my parents that was entertaining…. Any chances of a repeat performance tonight?"

I glared at him.

"No. Regardless of what you think, I don't really get sloshed and insult guests all that often."

"Pity – it would distract this crowd from getting their jollies through playing 'guess the lucky fiancee' with me…"

I couldn't suppress a smile and help but ask, "What type of person would you like to marry?"

He shot me a pained look. "Please… not you too…"

"Sorry. You are free to ignore that question."

I was looking around the room for Chris again before he spoke.

"Considering that you did provide me with entertainment at your expense, I could atleast give a reciprocating gesture. I'm not sure what I want but I'm quite certain about what I don't want. I don't want a career woman."

He must have caught the nasty look I shot him because he held up his hands in surrender. "Hey, you asked… besides, it's not like I'm saying that women shouldn't have careers. All I'm saying is that two type A partners lead to an uneasy match. I just want someone who's laid back and enjoys the stuff in life that I would otherwise overlook – whether it be food or movies or books … someone who can balance my competitiveness."

"Ah … well, I'm sure the women here can provide you with umpteen introductions to your perfect bride," I couldn't resist my sarcastic rejoinder.

He shook his head. "No. You weren't listening. For most part the women here are extremely type A, they just bury their ambitions behind their husband's or children's careers."

"What a godawful…" I clamped my mouth shut. After all, his own mother could well be described in those terms.

"No… I agree." His reply took me by surprise. "It was a godawful waste. My mother could've had a great political career instead of pouring everything into becoming a corporate wife. Unfortunately, in that generation women with ambition were not looked upon too kindly…"

"They still aren't," I added softly.

"Touché." He was smiling but it was tinged with a modicum of sympathy. "Well, here's to your success Ms. Strand – may you become the Wall Street Journal's darling and find your own type B mate who will remind you of the simple pleasures in life."

I couldn't resist returning his smile. "Same to you Dr. Shaw… same to you."

Our glasses clinked and I sipped from mine thinking that this was probably the best rejection I'd ever received when he spoke again.

"So, tell me about your family… after all, I've already shared intimate insights about mine with you."

"Well… as you probably know there is just me and Mary. We're quite opposite in nature and very happily so. I love the thrill of the stock market and gambling on companies almost as much as she loves your 'simple pleasures.' She's always been very happy pottering around the house and although I'd thought that after dad died she'd want to live a more fast paced life – after all, she was widowed at a mere thirty one – but she was happy just as she was so I didn't pester her any more about it."

"So your father must have been much older…"

"Oh yes. She married him at twenty three, when he was already forty and had a ten year old daughter. It's funny that even though I was closer to her age than she was to my father's, she always came across as the mother figure for me. I know of many step-parents who have a much more … informal? A less parental relationship with their kids but Mary's pretty much my mom in all the ways that matter."

"Still … she's only what? Forty or so now ?… and with you busy with work, doesn't she ever get lonely?"

I shrugged. I had discussed my family all that I cared to for the evening.

"She never appears so."

"But still…"

"Why so interested Dr. Shaw?" I waggled my eyebrows at him. "Are you auditioning for the role of stepdad for me?"

He laughed. "God, you're incorrigible!" And we moved on to other topics.

I excused myself when Chris came to pull me away.

"Alright – you've repented enough. Don't lay it on so thick otherwise Mary will start getting ideas…"

"Huh? Chris, I swear one of these days I'll need a professional translator to understand what you say …"

"Brad, Jules, Brad. You and Brad were chatting up a storm by yourselves for the past hour. If you don't want Mary to think that there is something going on, you'd better pull away now. There isn't is there? Something going on I mean…"

"No. Puh-leeze. The guy wants a cross between a hippie and Martha Steward … he seems nice enough though."

"What? Even the dishy doc failed to melt the maiden's heart…?" Chris followed up her comment with a sigh of mock resignation and made me laugh.

"Its less a case of me not wanting them – its them not wanting me…anyway, what say you we hop this joint and go clubbing a bit?"

Other than clothes, the one other habit I had gotten from Chris was the joy of losing myself on the dance floor. I guess I owed my birth mother for some speck of natural talent but more to Mary who dragged me to ballroom dance lessons when I'd rather have sat in front of my computer. I can dance a mean Salsa but I also enjoy house music and top 40's type places. With heels, I'm normally over six feet so it's not that often that I can find a good partner but when I do – well, let's just say that there's a reason why most of my hookups took place after college dances.

"I thought you were going to stay the weekend?"

"Oh – right. I almost forgot. We'll do it some other time … maybe next week…?"

Chapter 5

As it turned out, 'next week' didn't happen till almost seven months later, at my twenty eighth birthday.

"…and cheers to Jules on her twenty eighth birthday and her admission to Yale law!"

I toasted with ginger ale because birthday or not, I had to drive to New Haven the next day to move some stuff into my apartment. My lease on my apartment in the city had run out and I was going to stay with Mary for a month before I moved to New Haven.

The house in Alpine was big but there wasn't enough room to store the heavier items like my bed or chest of drawers. Since they would have to go to New Haven anyway, I'd decided to move everything at once. Unfortunately, the only weekend that was open was the one after my birthday.

Chris had cried foul when I'd told her that I wouldn't be drinking and had been trying the entire evening to get me wasted in some vague hopes that I would hook up with Brad and make everyone happy. Somehow everyone thought it ludicrous that all I wanted from a rich, single doctor was a friendship. I'd told Chris that we were too alike in our ambition and drive to hit it off as a pair but she'd waved it aside saying that he'd 'come around' to the idea of my wanting a career.

Somehow I wasn't able to explain to her that it wasn't a 'want,' it was a need for me. My work was a great part of who I was and I'd want my partner to like that about me, not simply accept it in me.

Anyway, Brad and I were atleast on the same page regarding our relationship so thank the heavens for small mercies.

"The birthday girl needs a drink!" Chris had ordered another round and was giving me and Brad a not-so-subtle wink. I think my pained expression matched his.

"No, the birthday girl does NOT need a drink. What she could use is a dance."

I finished up the ginger ale and headed towards the crowd thronging the dance floor. Behind me I could hear Chris tell Brad to go join me and his absolute insistence that no he didn't dance, even if it was my birthday, even if I was going to be lost to the boonies for three years and no, not even if I looked gorgeous tonight.

I had to admit though, I was feeling quite hot courtesy of my corset top. I loved the way it hugged me and made me look and feel all sleek instead of brawny. 'Temperature' was making my own blood rise to its beat and soon I was feeling the tensions of the past few days drain away in the rhythm of the music.

The two places that I have always appreciated my height and build are in the boardroom and in clubs. The fact that I stood taller than them made guys less likely to try and bully me. Of course there was the usual spat of alpha males trying to play 'this-chick-is-spoken-for' on the dance floor.

First there was the jock who decided to check that my – and his – pelvic muscles and joints were in good working condition. Since he was already lit, it didn't take too much maneuvering to trip him onto the dance floor and then to kindly escort him to the lounge area.

Then there was the bad-ass who decided to grab my waist and show me how the gangsta's liked it. I turned around, ready to confront him and then noticed that he was a good six inches shorter than me. My laugh cooled his passion faster than a swift kick would have.

Finally, when this geeky guy (who looked like he'd been egged on by his friends) started bumping me on the side like his hip had dislocated, I'd had enough. I gave him the look I usually keep for errant analysts and started moving off the dance floor once he'd scampered away. For once it would be nice to be asked instead of being pawed at… manners seem to have simply died in this day and –

Suddenly, I felt every bit of my age. My ideas of giving a stranger on the dance floor some modicum of respect seemed to an echo of a bygone era. Maybe this was how it was going to be in school too – I'd be the ancient fustian with out dated notions about…

The tap on my shoulder arrested my thoughts. "Excuse me, would you like to dance?"

The guy was pretty looking enough; I'd have to give him that. Blonde hair that looked platinum in the neon light of the dance floor, eyes just this side of indigo, all long limbs clad in black pullover and jeans made him look almost fey but without taking away from his masculinity. Added to the fact that he stood at eye level with me made him quite a delectable package. But, oh the horrible but, he looked so young … I wondered if he was here on a fake ID. I peeped behind him to see if there was any money changing hands on some ridiculous college bet, but there was no one paying any attention to us.

"You want to dance with me?" I blurted out much to my consternation.

He cocked up an eyebrow in a manner that made me jealous. "I'd have hardly asked you otherwise…"

I wasn't in the mood for swapping smart alec comments so I cut to the chase.

"Why? Shouldn't you be with one of them?" I gestured with my head to indicate a gaggle of more than half drunk girls who were giggling at the bar.

"I was here with one of them who's right there…" he nodded to this girl perched on the lap of the jock I had shooed of earlier, busy trying to suck his tongue from his head.

"Ah…"

"So I thought that maybe a dance with the hottest woman on the floor might cheer up my poor bruised ego."

I couldn't help but be charmed. Oh hell, so what if he was too young? It was my birthday, and besides, I was being nice.

"Alright then – prepare to have your girlfriend's jaw dropping in a couple of minutes."

He moved well, I had to give him that. He danced rather than simply try to rub himself against me and soon I was too caught up in thinking that Sean Paul was absolutely right when he proclaimed that 'We Be Burnin' to remember that he was too young or I too old.

Somewhere through doing a limbo to 'Sexyback' I realized that we had attracted quite a little crowd and amongst them was his girlfriend, now shooting daggers at me. Although I was reluctant to give up a great dance partner, I didn't want to be the cause of any unpleasantness with his girlfriend.

So I changed my rhythm to more sedate moves and as the song drew to an end I moved to his ear and whispered, "Mission accomplished," before moving off and letting his girlfriend take my place.

I moved towards the bar and not even the thought of Chris's teasing marred the euphoria of having just given a twenty year old a run for her money.

"It was great Chris … just the right birthday present…" I couldn't help but exude as I drove myself – and her home.

"Ummph…" was all she could manage before she threw up in her car.

Chapter 6

"Hmm … if I didn't know you better I'd say you are obsessed with your mystery dancer."

Chris had finished adjusting the lovely oil she had presented me with when I moved into my new apartment. She'd come ready with the entire equipage to hang up the painting presuming, quite correctly, that I would never bother getting it and would keep the painting propped up on my desk.

"I do not obsess." I declared with as much dignity I could muster considering that I was dressed worse than a bag lady and that I had perhaps, maybe, mentioned him a time or two in the past month since my birthday.

"Fixated then … or fascinated, enthralled, mesmerized … take your pick."

"Ughh. You make me sound like some kind of head-in-the-clouds type teenager…"

"There's a time and place for everything … besides, it's funny to see you get riled up over a guy…"

"I'm NOT riled up. Besides, I'm never going to see him again, so what would be the point?"

I had unpacked the last of the dishes and was flattening the boxes for recycling.

"Anyway – when do you leave? Do you have time for a quick drink at Richter's for old time's sake?"

I knew that although she acted nonchalant about it, Chris had come down for the day as much to help me unpack as to revisit old memories. After all, it was here almost ten years ago that we'd first met.

It had been an unlikely friendship – between a party girl and a geek but each of us saw more in common with the other than our superficial differences would convey. We'd both had rich fathers who felt their time was much better spent making money than with the children they'd sired. Both our birth mothers were dead and our fathers had subsequently married women much younger than themselves. But it was our fathers who had shaped us, whose attention we had always craved and whom we were destined to always disappoint.

My father had wanted a son to whom he could pass on his company and the family name. I guess having had neither himself made both all the more important in his eyes. Of course, he had planned to have some fun along the way – the only problem with the plan being that one of his 'fun' trysts had resulted in me. It must have come as a rude surprise when a social worker had dropped a five year old who happened to have his genes and social development issues at his doorstep. But my father was nothing if not adept at dealing with snags and he dealt with this one quickly and efficiently. I had an army of paid caretakers to disguise the fact that my father ignored me. Not that it bothered me till much later – after all, my mother had paid me just about the same amount of attention and had dumped me on the neighbors or with other girls at the club where she worked as an exotic dancer.

No, I had believed that my father loved me and it was for me that he worked so hard. I wanted to show him that I loved him but the hugs and kisses that came so naturally to other kids never did so to me. So I had worked hard in an effort to show how much his opinion had mattered to me. It had always been easier for me to slip into my own world and academics provided the perfect excuse. It didn't even bother me much when my father had brought a shy woman as my stepmother. I think I had intimidated Mary when we'd first met – a solemn child of ten who was already in the sixth grade, I had informed her that I was studying to be as smart as my father so that I could help him run his company. I believe Mary had murmured something encouraging but it was my father who had said, "Don't be silly Julia – girls don't have it in them to run businesses … now, why don't you go play with your dolls." I didn't know what had hurt more – his rejection of my ability or the fact that he didn't even know that I never played with dolls.

It was only then that I pieced the picture together and began viewing Mary with hostility. She was going to give my father the son he so longed for and with that any hopes of him ever seeing me in that regard would be dashed. When she became pregnant a few months into the marriage, I became so obnoxious that even my father took note and threatened to have me sent to a boarding school. I think she understood in some part my fear of being abandoned and had tried to defend me to my father. But I wanted her pity only as much as I wanted a brother so I stopped my tantrums, avoided Mary and went into denial that my life was going to change in any significant way.

Ironically enough, when she lost the baby she was carrying, it was me and not her husband who ended up being her source of comfort. One would think that I would have been at least to some measure happy that my potential competition had been thwarted but seeing my father abandon her in her grief told me that he cared almost as little about her as he did me.

By the time I had met Chris, I had become Mary's daughter more than just in name and it hadn't taken me long to discover that Chris had lacked even that. Her father had been a notorious womanizer and as my father's obsession with a son had made me want to become one, she learnt to flaunt her feminine charms in order to get attention from hers. Unfortunately, Beth – her father's second wife, had been little more than a pretty, spoilt, southern-belle type who had the least inclination to befriend or guide Chris. On the contrary, she had considered her step-daughter a rival of sorts for her wayward husband's attention and soon after her marriage, Chris had been carted off to a boarding school.

Although Chris's advice on fashion and guys definitely helped me overcome my shyness, it was actually her sharing her life with me that made me realize that I was actually happy with how I'd ended up. Her way of trying to get attention had only landed her in detox a couple of times whereas mine had actually developed into a skill that I could use to make a living. I believe Chris had realized something of the same because after the first couple of weeks of freshman year, she spent more time with me – studying, hanging out or 'coaching' me in the ways of using feminine wiles (she had more than blind faith in my capabilities) than she did with random boys or parties. It was under her careful tutelage that I had my first drink, smoked my first joint and used a fake ID for the first time to get roaring drunk for my twentieth birthday at Richter's. Little doubt that the place holds fond memories for me…

We were sipping our beers at the bar before I noticed that she seemed a bit distracted. Usually, we'd have spent some time reminiscing and trading stories of undergrad but she was caught up in some thoughts of her own, and by the look on her face, they weren't exactly pleasant.

"Ok, spill," I finally said.

"Huh? What? Oh, it's nothing…"

I was alarmed then. Chris hadn't tried to keep anything from me in so long that it must be very serious and made me all the more determined to not let her face whatever was troubling her by herself.

"Chris…what's going on?"

She sighed. "Oh Jules… you know all this while that I've been encouraging you to go to Yale law…? It wasn't all altruistic … I- I had another reason…"

"Chris, sweetie, its not like you led me astray or anything… after all, its only the best damn law school in the whole country. But what is this reason that's eating at you?"

She looked positively contrite when she answered. "Well … if you're here, I could always use that as an excuse to keep popping in New Haven … and… well… Hunter is here," she blurted as if that explained it all.

It took me a moment to remember who she was talking about. Hunter was Chris's step-brother from her stepmother's first marriage. She never really spoke about him and all I could remember was that he had been a young kid when she'd left home.

"He's here doing what?" I asked.

"He's an undergrad here."

"Ah. When did you last see him? A year…?"

"Two years. At the funeral."

Chris's father had died of a heart attack two years back when I had been out of the country for work. I tried to jog my memory regarding any other time I could've met him, but nothing came to mind.

"I've never met him, have I?" I hesitated, wondering if I should've remembered him or something.

"No. Mary met him at the funeral but I had seen him then after a gap of over six years so I'm not surprised that you've never met him."

"Ok." Thank God I wasn't expected to remember him… so… "Well, so he's here – what year did you say he was?"

"Junior year. But he's a year older – so he's twenty one now."

"Ah." I still wasn't able to quite join the dots. Yes, well, what can I say, sometimes I am slow… "Anyway, like I was saying – he's here, so what?"

"Well… with dad passing away, I thought maybe I should reach out .... Or something. Except that I never knew how to …it has been so long you know…"

Aha. Now I got it. "So with me here, you were hoping to hang around to 'accidentally' run into him?"

"Yeah… something like that. I'm so sorry Jules, its like I used you but I never intended –"

"Stop right there." I shook my head thinking how silly Chris could be at times. "Why would you think I'd be mad or pissed or whatever? I think what you're doing is great Chris and I'm really happy for you. If you ever need me to help out, just say the word and it'll be done."

"You're awesome, you know that?"

She gave a watery chuckle and a quick hug before she excused herself to go to the restroom to clean up her smudged eyeliner.

Sometimes Chris could be even more socially idiotic than me. How she could've even thought that I would be offended or angry was beyond –

I whipped in my barstool so quickly that I almost fell out of it. Because in the mirror behind the bar I caught a glimpse of him- the dance floor hunk! He was turned away from me and talking with a group of guys at the back of the room but his profile was unmistakable.

I turned back to my beer. Okay. I should go up and say 'hi' to him … but what if he doesn't recognize me? Well, I guess I could then pretend that I'd mistaken him for someone else … but it might be embarrassing. And what if he did remember me but thought that I was like some kind of creepy stalker older woman? But no, why would he think that? I was being silly. But on the other hand it might be awkward and I wasn't sure…

"Okay. It's your turn to spill now…" I'd been so caught up in my mental dialogue that I hadn't even noticed Chris slide back into the stool next to me.

"Chris!"

"Yes…. The same person you've been chatting with sitting here for the past hour…"

"You won't believe this… guess who's at the other end of the room?"

"Oh – I don't know… Pierce Brosnan?"

I snorted. "Sorry to prick your bubble but no one quite that exotic. No, it's the guy from my birthday."

"Which guy? Wait, don't tell me…! The mystery dancer?!"

"Uh-huh."

"What in heaven's name are you doing sitting here then? Go and atleast say hi to him… heaven knows if he disappears again without you getting his information, I'll probably never hear the end of it."

"Uh… but don't you think it might be…"

"No. Go. Now."

"Ok."

I mustered my courage and made my way to the back of the room. I didn't know whether I was more relieved or disappointed when I didn't see him there. I slid back next to Chris and resignedly picked up my beer again.

"He left."

"Oh for the love of God Jules! Ask those other guys he was talking to for his information… sometimes I wonder if all my training did you any good at all…"

"C'mon…I can't do that – it's so embarrass…"

I didn't even get a chance to finish before Chris had my hand in a death grip and was dragging me to the group of guys with whom I'd seen my mystery dancer.

"Hey boys … I was wondering if you guys know this fellow who was here a couple of minutes back… tall, blonde, blue eyes…"

The guy nearest us gave a flirty smile.

"And here I was, thinking that the prettiest lady in the bar was coming to speak to me…"

I wanted to point out that that was precisely what she was doing – only that she wasn't speaking to him about himself, but Chris had gotten into her element.

"And how do you know that I am not just using your friend as an excuse to speak to you?" she actually simpered at the guy and I fought to roll my eyes.

"Somehow I don't think it's a coincidence that he was asking about you too."

Chris looked a little startled. "Asking about me or my friend?"

"Oh – quite definitely you and it pained me to tell him that I didn't know you… but of course we can easily remedy that mistake. I'm Mike by the way…"

Chris took his proffered hand. "Christine – but you can call me Chris … and this is my friend Julia but we all call her…"

"Julia" I said firmly as I tried to bat down the disappointment and yes, the jealously that had raised its ugly head. After all, it wasn't anything Chris had done to get the guy's attention nor could she help that he'd all but forgotten me.

"Well – Christine who is Chris and Julia who is Julia could we buy you two a drink?"

I wanted to refuse but Chris had eagerly accepted before I could say anything and so we spent the next hour or so casually flirting with Mike and his friends. Well, Chris spent the time flirting while I brooded and listened with half an ear as he regaled us with stories about business school that he and his friends were attending.

When we left, Chris barely had time to get her things together before she had to drive back to the city. She'd paused a second before she rushed out of my apartment.

"Jules – will you be here on parent's weekend?"

Parents' weekend was usually in late October or November, midway through the semester, when parents of the undergraduate students could visit their wards and enjoy some special activities and performances by the various groups on campus. Mary had faithfully attended every single one and had been more than happy to have Chris accompany us.

I had been planning to visit Mary this time around but then I remembered why Chris might have been asking.

"Yeah… I'll be around. Mary might stop by to visit – just like old times…"

Chris flashed me a smile. "It'll be great to see her again – I haven't met up with her for a couple of months now. Anyway, I was planning to email Hunter – you know see if he was interested in lunch or dinner or something with a long-absent sister…" her smile had faltered as she finished speaking.

"Hey now," I went and gave her a hug, "everything will work out great … besides, have you ever met an undergraduate who turns down a free meal?!"

She laughed, and with an "I'll email you the details" left me for my first night back in New Haven.

Chapter 7

It took me a month of classes to realize that I was getting bored. Not in the sense of the classes being boring, no, far from it; but more that after almost eight years of working eighty hour weeks, I just didn't know what to do with all the free time I suddenly had. Any free time earlier I'd spent with Mary or Chris or going on the occasional dates they found for me but now suddenly I had time for much more than that.

I suppose that I should have found a social network with my classmates but the ones who were my age were almost all married or otherwise in a serious relationship and the rest who were coming straight from undergraduate were simply too immature. I know that's rich coming from me but for all my video game playing, spartan living and getting drunk at Thanksgiving dinner ways, I was struck by how much more naïve the fresh graduates in my class were as compared to me. No, I needed to find something more to do but hanging out with more people wasn't what I was looking for.

The answer presented itself when I ran into a former psychology professor of mine. Professor Locke had been one of my favorite during my undergraduate years and when I ran into her at the law school library, I was only too happy to get some coffee and catch up. I mentioned that it was rather co-incidental that I saw her in the library because I was meaning to look her up.

"It was great to run into you – certainly makes up for the horrible day I've been having," she said. "My car broke down, my dog threw up all over my silk carpet but the worst is that I haven't yet found a TA for my seminar this semester."

I was surprised because normally the teaching assistants were set by the first week of classes beginning.

"One of my TA's has transferred to another school. She had never mentioned it when I'd offered her the position last semester and suddenly, a week ago she tells me that she's leaving down in a few days time." She shook her head ruefully. "Actually, that is why I was at the law school. The seminar I'm teaching is the Psychology of Morality and Ethics and so I was hoping to find a good law … Julia, I don't mean to put you on the spot but would you consider TA-ing the seminar? I have every confidence that you'd be wonderful at it…"

"Professor – I'm flattered you'd think of me, but I'm not very patient or…"

"But you won't have to be. This is an upperclassmen seminar and really, it'll be more in line with facilitating discussion and reading over a couple of papers… I have to rush of now but the class meets tomorrow at 4pm in LC 340. Indulge me and sit in tomorrow."

After she'd extracted a promise from me to sit through the class the next day and left, I found myself thinking that TA-ing might not be a bad idea after all. It would be an interesting way to spend time and reacquaint myself with one of my old majors. Plus, even though I didn't need the money, it didn't hurt to earn some.

*

I got late because I couldn't decide what to wear. I didn't own jeans that weren't really ratty and somehow I didn't think my business suits would cut the right note either. In the end I paired the pants of one of my umpteen pinstripes with a light colored pullover and hoped for the best.

The class had already started when I sidled in and took up a seat in the corner away from the main table around which the students sat. It was a small group – I counted only nine students and even if some were absent, I doubted it would be more than one or two because seminars generally had compulsory attendance. The discussion was interesting and before I knew it, an hour and a half had passed and I'd made my decision.

I was feeling rather pleased with myself as I collected my things and waited for the students to file out before I confirmed with Professor Locke that I'd be happy to TA her class.

All said and done, this seemed to have worked out very –

The last of the students were leaving and just as I caught the professor's eye the guy sitting in front of me stood up and blocked my view. And when he turned around I found myself face to face with the guy I'd danced with on my birthday … my 'mystery dancer' as Chris insisted on calling him.

And I stood there, gaping, as a polite smile curved his lips and he left the classroom. He really didn't remember me! I had almost convinced myself that it wasn't him that night at the bar because it made me feel foolish and pathetic that I remembered that evening so vividly while he didn't at all.

"So – how did you like the class?"

It took me a moment to realize that Professor Locke was speaking to me. I forced a smile at her. Once I pulled myself together after the initial shock of seeing him again I realized that his lack of memory was actually a blessing in disguise. At least this way there would be no awkward moments or explanations in the future.

"I'd love to be a TA for your seminar."

"That's wonderful – I know you'll do great. Drop by my office later for the course packet and reading list. I've been holding section on Thursday evenings at seven but if that time doesn't work for you feel free to discuss with the students and change it."

After assuring her that the timings were no problem for me, I followed her out of the classroom. I was thinking to myself that I should have a discussion about grading papers with her when a loud "Hey!" made me look back.

He was behind me and walking straight at me.

"Hey," he said again, in a more conversational tone this time. "Are you joining our seminar?"

It was really too bad that he was slightly taller than me because I'd have liked nothing better than to tower over him as I gave him the 'I'm too good for you to chat up you worm' look. Still, I must have done at least moderately well even without my usual height advantage because he looked a little uncomfortable.

"Look… the only reason I asked was because…"

"No, I'm not taking the class, I'm teaching it. I'll be the new TA."

"Ah."

His stunted vocabulary only heightened my belief in the dumb jock persona I'd accorded him.

"If that's all…"

"No… I mean … are you a grad student here?"

"Yes, I'm a law student."

I started walking towards my apartment at this point not only because it was cold but also because I hoped that he would take a hint and leave me alone.

"First year?" he continued with the round of twenty questions.

"Yes."

"Ah."

Sometimes one has to wonder if it is part of some universal balance that beauty and brains could really not go together.

We'd reached my apartment building but before I could duck inside, he spoke up again.

"I know this'll sound a little weird but have you ever been to this place called Fahrenheit in Manhattan?"

Here was the moment of truth. Should I admit that yes, that was the club where I'd burnt the dance floor with him or not? Would it become horribly awkward? What if he asked about Chris – after all, he might well have seen her with me after I left the dance floor?

He gave a short laugh. "I'm sorry. I'll stop harassing you now but if you are the same person that I think you are – then I have to tell you that I've never had so much fun dancing ever … and if you aren't – I'm sorry and I'll do my best to convince you for the remainder of this semester that I'm actually not a deranged lunatic."

And with that he turned and walked into my apartment building as I stood and watched him disappear inside from the sidewalk.

Chapter 8

"And then he walked into your building – you mean he lives in your building?"

Chris gave a hoot of laughter that almost had my back up.

"Glad to be providing your daily dose of entertainment… but Chris, seriously, what should I do?"

I clutched my cellphone precariously between my ear and my shoulder as I sorted the long overdue laundry.

"Do? Other than hitting on him every chance you get?"

"Oh harharhar … like I could do that. Its totally unethical, not to mention it can get me booted."

"Jules you really need to take things a little less seriously at times. The guy isn't sure that he recognizes you, right?"

"Yeah…"

"So – just let it be. Unless you don't want to … in which case I'd say give up being a TA before you give up the dishy guy…"

"Chris! Of course I can't do that – I already told Professor Locke I'd TA this seminar and I can't simply leave her in the cold like that… besides, the guy's an undergrad… you know what that means – he's way too young for me."

"Jeez – it's not like I'm telling you to marry him… but alright, for now just pretend like you didn't know what the hell he was talking about and he'll think it was his mistake. But I'm warning you – you're letting a prime opportunity pass…"

"Right. Anyhoo – I have to go do laundry. Are we still up for the parent's weekend thing? Did Hunter reply back?"

"No…" she sounded subdued as if my question had broken her bubble of exuberance.

"He will … let me know what he says, ok?"

"Yeah… alright… I'll catch up with you soon."

Chris hung up and left me with the urge to give her step-brother a kick where it might do him some good. I sighed as hauled up my laundry basket. Really, I suppose I couldn't blame the guy. I mean, if I suddenly had a step sibling who'd been missing for most of my life show up, I probably wouldn't embrace them with open arms either. On the other hand, I didn't think there was any need for him to keep her hanging – not replying either in the affirmative or declining…I'd have had the courtesy to at least give the other person a reply, even if it was negative.

I'd reinstated my anger at Hunter by the time I reached the laundry room and it didn't help my piss poor mood that I didn't have enough quarters on me.

"Ah fuck!" I almost kicked the machine to vent my frustration at Hunter and my quarter-less existence in which the first cute guy I see has to end up as my student.

"Laundry woes?" a deep voice said from behind me and I turned slowly, like one of those dumb women about to be killed in some horror flick and stared into the face of my own nemesis. 'I would resist…I would desist' I chanted mentally as I stammered, "Yes…no…" and added a 'resist, desist' under my breath. Then my brain seemed to kick in and remind me that I was going to be grading this guy's papers, I could hardly let him get away with making an incoherent mess out of me.

I took a deep breath. "No. Nothing's wrong with the laundry – I simply forgot to get enough quarters. Thanks for asking anyway." If I'd hoped that my calm and no-nonsense tone would send him off with his tail between his legs, I had underestimated him.

"Please, allow me," he said as he moved towards the quarter slot.

"No really, I …" he dropped two quarters in and the machine started "ah… thanks."

"No problem, my girlfriend does this all the time."

I nipped the disappointment in the bud and let my relief bloom.

"Ah … plenty of practice that way then… anyway, I'm Julia – Julia Strand."

"Lee Evans… nice to meet you."

There was an awkward pause and I picked up my detergent and basket. "Well, nice to have met you. I guess I'll see you in section on Thursday."

I was heading for the door when he called behind me. "Er … you might not want to leave your laundry unattended. We've had some theft around here."

I didn't really want to spend the next hour or so awkwardly chatting with him so it was with some relief that I spied a TV and a couch in the corner.

I eyed the book he was holding – something on game theory. I'd enjoyed that probably the most of all my econ classes and caught myself just in time before I said something about it to him. The idea was not to make conversation I reminded myself and instead asked, "Do you mind if I turn on the TV?"

"No – please go ahead."

So I turned the tube on and oh joy – the Matrix was on. If there was one movie that could take my mind off anything, that would probably be it.

Soon enough I was intoning with Morpheus's deep voice, " 'You're a man who accepts what he sees because he's expecting to wake up.'"

It was more than a little annoying when I got to one of my favorite lines in the movie - the part when they're preparing to unplug Neo from the Matrix and Cypher says, " 'It means fasten your seatbelt Dorothy because Kansas is going bye-bye'" that before I'd even begun to say it, a voice right behind me did.

"That was my line!" I was indignant enough to not realize before the words shot out of my mouth how ridiculous that sounded. Sometimes, I question my own maturity.

But Lee simply grinned and sat next to me on the couch.

"I was trying to be a good citizen and tell you that your washer's done but I can see that my ill planned interlude has done more harm than good…"

I gave him a mock frown. "Now I know why I never had play dates growing up … they take the best of everything and are smugly righteous about it…"

He followed me as I made my way to the dryer and began dumping everything into it.

"Not particularly good at sharing eh?"

"When it comes to chocolate, lines from the Matrix and pretty much everything in between – no."

He came over and offered quarters for the dryer. "Then I guess its good that other people are…"

"Oh come now – this isn't generosity," I said as I plunked the proffered quarters into the dryer, "you do it so your smug righteousness would have a leg to stand on."

"Really?" he arched an eyebrow in a way that made me jealous that I could never pull that look.

"Of course. Altruism, martyrdom etc. are as much behavior patters as are meanness or wickedness. It hinges on your internalization of a label – in this case, my label would be that of a moocher and yours one of generosity. And if I look back and find that there have been behaviors of mine in the past that match this one, my self construct of being a moocher is strengthened. And therefore, I would behave more as a moocher in the future because that is what I now believe myself to be."

"So… what you've just said is that you begin to think yourself a moocher because you've been one…"

"No, not exactly. In this instance, for example, I would have happily gone back to my apartment to get quarters but you offered to give me yours. My act of taking those quarters was less influenced by getting something of yours for free and more by not wanting the hassle of running back and forth. But the label in this case would indicate that my primary motivation would have been your quarters … so if I become a true future moocher, it is questionable as to who is responsible for that – me or you."

He gave me a look that wasn't entirely happy.

"Tricky thing, human psychology…" I said, hoping to make him feel better about being outdone in the argument.

He just nodded and turned away. "Yeah… well, I'll see you in section…" and without another word, he left.

I've bruised too many male egos at work to bring myself to wonder much about his reaction but I couldn't help but feel vaguely disappointed about his being a sour loser. Oh well, atleast it made up for my bumbling the previous Wednesday. If nothing else, he would respect me as a TA.

*

I was leaving the next day for my office hours when the phone rang.

"How's the cut-throat lawyer doing?"

"Hardly cut-throat… try starving grad student Brad. How's it going for you?"

"A grad student maybe, but starving…? Anyway, I had joined my folks for a dinner and I'm desperate for some real conversation. I will be in NH in ten minutes – join me for coffee and dessert…"

"I should tell you there is nothing like school to get people to get off your case to get married. Mary hasn't tried to set me up with anyone for almost three months which is nothing short of miraculous."

He laughed.

"Anyway, I don't know if I can meet up now because I have office hours for this class I'm TA-ing"

"Why are you TA-ing? Don't tell me you made such a bad speculation that you've lost everything on the stock market?"

"No – ofcourse not you idiot. I just like being … busy."

"Ah – your classic type-A personality asserting itself. What class is it?"

"It's a psychology seminar with one of my favorite professors from undergrad…"

"A seminar eh? And psychology … where do you hold your office hours?"

"At Cosi – Professor Locke offered me an office but really, I don't need it and those cubes are so stuffy anyway."

"That's perfect. Look, from what I remember of school, a psych seminar isn't going to have a lot of people showing up for office hours… no problem sets and all… so how about I meet you at Cosi and if someone shows up, I can sit through your discussion? That is, if you think its ok…?"

"Yeah – actually that sounds great. I was going to do some reading for Con Law but this is definitely a better plan."

So fifteen minutes later I was sitting with some marshmallow hot chocolate and laughing to Brad's description of his ordeal. If I thought I had it bad with Mary, it was nothing compared to the poor guy's parents. After all, Mary atleast hadn't started hankering me about grandchildren... I mentally shuddered at the thought.

"How can a man my age not want to settle down and have kids is all everyone seems to be curious about…"

"Hey now – don't generalize. I'd wonder why someone who's quite obviously happy with his life would want to change anything?"

"Exactly. Thank you … now you see why I needed to talk to you. It makes me feel I'm not the only one out there who thinks this way."

"Oh no – I'd say there is a fair number who do. Its just not socially acceptable to say that you really don't want kids… there's gotta be something wrong with you to think that way… and if you think it is bad for you, it is much worse being a woman and saying that."

He gave me a look of genuine sympathy. "I'm sorry… really."

Our pity party was interrupted when a hatted and scarved figure approached our table. I inwardly groaned when the layers of clothes were removed to reveal Lee.

"Hi Julia – could I speak to you?"

"Hi. Sure – how can I help you?"

"Er…" he shot a glance at Brad.

I was about to tell him that he could speak in front of Brad when the good doctor decided that he should give us some privacy when that was the last thing I wanted. Somehow I didn't think Lee had come to speak to me about the class.

"I owe you an apology for my rudeness yesterday."

"Please, it's not necessary … on the contrary, you were most generous with your stash of quarters."

He fidgeted then looked away before he spoke again. "I've been thinking about what you said … you know about people behaving a certain way because that behavior is reinforced by others."

I nodded, not sure where this was going.

"So what you're saying is that when people engage in self destructive behaviors that too are in some way reinforced by others around them?"

I tried to answer in my best 'psych textbook' voice because otherwise this conversation would be too personal for my comfort. "Yes. It is not uncommon for example to find teenagers who 'act out' to get attention from their parents. And the fact that they do get in by behaving in that manner reinforces their bad habits."

"So the way to break this cycle is to stop providing any succor after someone indulges in self destructive behavior … there simply isn't any saving someone against themselves, is there?"

He gave a rueful grin and I wasn't sure that he was looking for me to answer that question so I kept silent.

"Hey thanks – I'll be sure to work this into my next paper."

I barely had time to murmur the perfunctory 'you're welcome' before he was gone. I sat for a moment thinking that this kid had some serious baggage when Brad spoke up next to me.

"I think I've seen him somewhere … actually, I'm quite sure I have…"

Not wanting to remind him of Fahrenheit, I said, "He's not an unusual type – classic jock and all…"

Brad moved his head sideways in disagreement. "I don't think so… I remember thinking then as I did now that this kid has a lot of baggage."

The creepy déjà vu I felt when he said that completely marred any relief I got from the fact that he hadn't seen Lee at the club. Thankfully he changed the subject with his next words.

"Anyway – I have to leave to get into the city for my rounds tonight… thanks for being my beacon of sanity."

I smiled up at him. "Anytime doc – and I promise not to laugh if you re-enter school as a PhD candidate or something…"

He laughed. "Unfortunately, my days of dodging the M word by going to school are gone … too old to pull tricks like that."

I was curious, "So how old are you anyway? Somehow I don't think I know…"

"Me? I'm touching the big four-o … all I have to do is stick it out for a couple more years and then I can get my early twenty-something trophy wife."

That reminded me so much of my father that I winced inside and it must have shown because he said, "Hey, I was kidding. God, I find most women my age hard to comprehend, how on earth am I supposed to keep up with someone half my age? And speaking of people my age – I ran into Mary at a benefit dinner two weeks back…"

I nodded absently. "Yeah, she does a bunch of that stuff…"

"So she's really into it, huh?"

He'd offered to drive me back which meant in could sit in his beautiful BMW with the buttwarmer seats instead of freezing my ass outside.

"Actually, I think my dad had wanted her to be more of a society wife and encouraged her to join more of these boards and all… I remember when I'd first met her that her idea of a nice lunch was picnicking outside on a fleece blanket than at any club. You know, she took me on my first picnic…"

I had the knee jerk response of biting my tongue before I said too much but when I looked at him; it felt like I already had.

"Well – you were lucky. My dad also never had the time and my mom was too concerned with possible allergies and grass stains to bother with picnics."

"So Africa was a rebellion in the truest sense for you?"

He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "No, I believed in changing the world then."

We'd pulled up at my building and as I thanked him and waved goodbye, I couldn't help but feel that we all had so much baggage of our own that we probably remained single for the subconscious fear of breaking down completely if we had to handle someone else's crap as well.

Chapter 9

"No reply yet, huh?" I asked.

"No." Chris sounded dejected.

It was a week to parent's weekend and Hunter had not yet replied back to Chris so she'd called me to ask what she should do.

"Maybe you should call him…"

"I'd have to speak to Beth to get his number."

I made a moue of distaste which I'm sure Chris would've mirrored had she been with me.

"Hmm… you could pretend to be someone from school…"

"She'd recognize my voice. Hey, wait – Jules, I got it – You can speak to Beth… you can say you're – his seminar teaching assistant…"

"No way. Chris, NO."

"Please Jules."

"No Chris. Here's what I can do though – I'll ask some of my students – he's a junior right? And I reach a junior and senior seminar so I'll ask around and let you know. By the way, what college is he in?"

"I don't know – can't you use the online facebook or something to find out that information?"

"Nope. They've changed the system. Unlike when we were here and one could find out information on any student in the university, now you have access to only your affiliate program or school. So I can access the law school student body but not the undergraduate. At most, it'll show his name and class year…"

"More's the pity… so what should I do about Aruba?"

Chris's latest guy – some yuppie consultant with too many miles and too little time wanted to fly her out to Aruba for the weekend that unfortunately coincided with the not-quite plans with her step brother. I told her she should go but she didn't want to cry off when she'd been the one who'd offered the invitation in the first place. And of course, that irritating brother of hers remained uncommunicative as ever.

"Look – give me till Wednesday, I'll ask around after class."

"Ok. Thanks again for helping me."

*

Although I'd committed myself to helping her out, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to do so when I entered the class. I mean, I could hardly have stood up and with the changes to the next week's reading announced that I was looking to contact this guy and if anyone has information, could they please step forward?

The class ended and I still didn't have any bright ideas so I decided that I would catch whomever I could right then and email the rest. Luckily for me, one of them came up to ask a question about the midterm paper.

"Umm…Julia? Hey … I was wondering if you could tell me how our papers will be graded?"

"In red ink?"

She perfunctorily curved up her lips indicating that she didn't appreciate my sense of humor.

"No… I meant how would you set the curve?"

"Melissa – there are only nine people in this seminar. There will be no curve. All of you might get A's or none of you might – it simply depends on your own work."

She looked a little disappointed but I caught some grins from the others.

"But is it fair without a curve? I mean, why should someone who puts in twice as much work as another person get the same grade?"

"Because in that case, the other person is smarter." I hefted up my bag and slung it across my shoulder. "Is there something else I could help you with?"

She said no, mumbled thanks and left. Of course, by then so had everyone else. I cursed my luck as I came out of the classroom.

"How come whenever I run into you, you seem to be cursing? I think you curse when you see me and then cover it up with a plausible story."

I looked at Lee. "If I were cursing you, trust me, I wouldn't bother covering it up."

He started walking beside me. "So why the bad mood?"

"Not that it is any of your concern, but I'm trying to find this undergrad and the systems have changed since I was here so I can't access the undergrad directory."

He looked surprised. "You were here before?"

"Yeah – I did my undergrad here as well. Class of '99… tells you how old I am…"

"No it doesn't … you look like the child genius type. I bet you skipped grades and graduated from college when you were sixteen or something…"

I couldn't help but grin at his useless but amusing charm. "I only skipped one grade in grade school, so you're wrong kiddo – I was a decrepit twenty one when I graduated…"

"Don't be calling that decrepit – I'm only a junior and already twenty one…I'll graduate when I'm twenty three."

"Wait – you're a junior. Oh that's great. Maybe you can help me find this guy…"

"Ahh cher you break my heart. But I will still help you…"

I couldn't help roll my eyes. "The only thing worse than southern belles are the southern boys… what, do they bottle feed you on sycophancy?"

He gave a short bark of a laugh. "In a manner of speaking… and we prefer to call it southern charm."

"Right. Anyway, about this guy – he's a junior as I'd mentioned, I don't know his college unfortunately, but his name is Hunter Evans."

He stopped and his voice had lost some of its lightness when he asked, "Why do you need to find him?"

"So you do know him…?"

"As much as anyone else does, yes. He's a very private guy… I'd say of our class, you could count on one hand the number of people who know him. Why are you looking for him?"

"Well…" I racked my brains to come up with a plausible story. I wasn't about to divulge his – and Chris's convoluted history but I didn't want to flat out lie either. "He's my best friend's brother actually and she's … she's also concerned about him being lonely so I thought I'd give him a shout out."

"That's very magnanimous of you." If I didn't know better, I would think that he was being sarcastic.

"Anyway – can you give me his cell number or something?"

We had reached the apartment building and I waited for him to punch us into the lobby. When the door buzzed he held it open for me and said, "Funny, he's never mentioned a sister."

"Well… she's his step-sister."

"Ahh."

"So…can you help me?"

"I don't have his cell number myself but I'll try to track him down and ask. Why don't you give me your number so that he can get in touch with you?"

The elevator dinged on my floor.

"Sounds good – I'll email it to you."

He stepped out behind me. "I was going to leave for IM's – he normally shows up for them and I was going to ask him then."

"Oh … alright." I tore a piece of paper from one of my notebooks and wrote down my cell number. "Here – my email you already know. Thanks, I really appreciate it."

I turned to go to my apartment.

"Enough for an A in my midterm paper?" he called behind me.

"No." I laughed. "But enough to get you a marshmallow hot chocolate," I said thinking of the next office hours at Cosi.

I turned in the hallway just as the elevator arrived.

Chapter 10

I was just finishing up my synopsis for my torts seminar that night and looking forward to spending a little quality time on 'Hunters' before I called it a day when I heard a knock on my door.

At first, I thought it was one of the neighbors, but no, it came again, sharper this time and I went to answer it wondering what Chris or Mary were doing here at this time of the night.

But the guy filling my door frame in a beat up IM shirt was certainly not my stepmother or my best friend.

"Lee, what in the world –"

"You owe me a hot chocolate cher and I've come to collect."

He handed me a piece of paper and strolled in before I could turn him away. I shut the door behind him. The important thing was that I had Hunter's number.

"Just a moment…" I said to Lee a bit distractedly as I went inside to call Hunter. I ended up leaving him a message, giving him my information and requesting his response for the coming weekend as soon as he could get back to me. I left out the Aruba part – really, there was no need to tell him about that.

Lee was leafing through one of my old books on investing in the stock market. I kept some of them for the sake of memory and they'd gone everywhere with me – to college and the different apartments I'd lived in since I started work.

He squinted up at me. "Where did you get that from?"

I looked down and saw that I was wearing my comfiest (and rattiest) sweatshirt from when I'd first seen the Yale campus as a pre-freshman during Bulldog days.

"Vintage Yale gear, circa 1996."

"Cool. So about the hot chocolate..."

"Yeah – about the hot chocolate. I meant Cosi during my next office hours, not now."

"C'mon … I don't have anything to eat in my apartment. Besides, I'm very curious to learn why this guy's sister couldn't give you his cell phone number and you had to track it through me…"

Oh, crap. I hadn't really thought about that when I'd spun the story for him.

"It looks like you're going to curse again, cher."

"Ah damn … alright, come in and sit down." I waved to the kitchen table and moved towards the refrigerator. I may not know much cooking (actually, I hardly know any) but I can make a mean omelet and drool-worthy hot chocolate. I poured out two measures of milk. If I was going to tell him the whole story, why do it on an empty stomach?

"Well …" I wasn't sure how to begin.

"Start by telling me if there is indeed a step sister…"

"Yes. There is – they've just not been… close. Actually," I paused to melt in the chocolate and contemplate on how much I wanted to tell him. Really, what was the harm? "Actually, they have been just about as close as blood and wine. Hunter's mother married Chris's – that's my friend – father when he was six or so and she was around fifteen. Soon afterwards, within a few months really, she was sent to boarding school."

He gave me a sardonic look. "Don't you think you're overdoing the whole evil stepmother thing?"

I glared at him and turned to add some sugar and marshmallows.

"I have a stepmother myself, so I should know whether or not I'm 'overdoing' something. And I never said that her stepmother was evil … Chris was a regular hellion – I think she'd already been in detox once by that time. But Beth – that's the stepmother seemed immature more than anything else."

" 'Seemed' so you've never actually met her…?"

"Right. I've never met any of her family." I shook my head as I passed him the hot chocolate. "Bizarre when you think about it since she's been my closest friend for almost ten years now, but there you go."

"In any case, Chris's father was a womanizer and I think in some way his second wife, who was really not that much older than Chris … ten years or so I'd think … anyway, she thought that Chris presented some sort of competition to her."

He put down his hot chocolate. "You mean that asshole actually … with his daughter?!"

"No. But Chris had learnt early that her father only paid attention to pretty, and well… flirty women so she wanted to be the prettiest of them all. I think it amused her father more than anything else, but you see then he would get her some stupidly expensive present and it just gave her the wrong message that he cared."

I sighed. "Anyway, to cut a long story short – she was sent off to boarding school and for the longest time resented her step mother and brother and pretty much cut herself off from her family while she was in college… which I really think was the best for her. But anyway, her father died about two years back and she's been wanting to reach out to her step brother because I guess she realizes now that it couldn't have been all fun and games for that kid either and I'm sort of helping her."

I studied him as we sipped from our mugs in silence and finally broke the silence. "So now that you know the whole messy story, tell me what you know about him."

"Hunter?"

"Yeah."

"Like I'd said, he is a quiet kid… nobody knows him all that well."

Trust me to find the one person even more close mouthed than me to get information from. "C'mon – there has to be something more than that…you said he plays IM's – how is he on a team?"

"He usually does the individual sports – and he lives off campus so I guess that makes him a loner."

"Not necessarily… there could be many reasons for that. What does he do over the weekend?"

"I think he usually spends them at home … yeah, I know… he's kind of a loser. Guy doesn't drink – atleast I've never seen him, goes to his mother every weekend, hardly has any friends on campus – I'd be surprised if he even has a girlfriend. Maybe your friend would be better off not meeting him."

I picked up our mugs and put them in the sink. "Maybe we should leave the decision to them. So he seems close to his mother – do you think she'd be here this weekend?"

"No – she's never come down to visit on any parent's weekend so I doubt she'd be here this time. Why do you ask?"

"Well – Chris was going to come down for the weekend to meet with him. She's tried emailing him several times but there's been no reply and that's why I wanted to find his cell phone number."

"Oh if that was it, I'd have told you to save your breath. This guy hasn't even gone to any Harvard-Yale games to date…"

I pulled a stern face at him. "You'd think a sister was more important than the game…"

His face went almost lax with surprise and I had to swallow a laugh.

"You're kidding right? More important than The Game – than pregaming from whatever time in the morning, shouting 'school on Monday' and see the Saybrook strip?!"

I let out the laugh. "Alright, you have a point there. So you think this guy won't be around over the weekend, huh?"

"I'd say no… but I don't know if you can take my word for it…"

His cellphone went off before I could say anything.

"Hey. Yeah, I'll be there…ok…how much time? Right. I'll see you then."

"I gotta scoot. That was Melissa, she's coming over to study.

I almost dropped the sponge in the sink. "Melissa's your girl friend?"

He smiled and looked obviously amused at my discomfort. "Don't worry; she doesn't know you live here. She can be a bit … intense about grades but she's not a bad sort."

I had a vision of her slipping draft upon draft of her papers under my door to read and barely suppressed a shudder. "Yeah well – cool. Thanks for getting me Hunter's information."

"Thanks for the hot chocolate – it was really good."

"Yeah well, its one of the two things I can make."

He paused with his hand over the door. "Really – then you should allow me to reciprocate. And we can talk some more about your fascinating friend and her screwed up family."

I bit back the retort that if he wanted to discuss screwed up families we could talk all about mine and instead gave him a small smile. "Nope. I think not. I owed you this hot chocolate but that's all buddy. I'll see you in class."

"Ahh cher always so proper."

"Right – and you'd better remember it." He was out in the hallway but I couldn't resist asking, "Where'd you get this dosed with flattery – I mean charm anyway?"

"The bayou – my mother was born and bred Louisiana and I lived there as a child. Some things are just in your blood I guess…"

I grinned as I closed the door behind him before the tension washed up again as I tried to think of how to tell Chris that she was more than likely not going to see her step brother that weekend.

Chapter 11

"For goodness sakes, it's fuckin' Saturday," I mumbled into my pillow as I groped on my night stand for my cell phone. I squinted at the alarm clock and finding that it read 8am made my mood no better.

"Hello," I said and tried to keep the annoyance down. Mary didn't always remember that I wasn't keeping the same hours as I had when I was working.

"Oh thank God I caught you… I'm totally frantic."

"Chris?" I was wide awake by then. "What happened? Aren't you in Aruba?"

"Yes, yes I am and that's the problem. He replied back Jules…"

"Huh, who? What?" Chris's leaps in conversations lost me at the best of times and early on Saturday morning couldn't even count as one of those.

"Hunter. I just landed and checked my blackberry. He replied some time last night saying that he wanted to meet up for lunch today."

"What?!" I tried to sound intelligent and come up with some plan but my brain was still asleep.

"So you have to go meet him."

That woke me up. "What?"

"Jules, stop saying 'what' – it's simple really. I can't email the guy now and tell him that I've gone to Aruba and I can't have him think I've flaked out. So you have to go meet him, give him a nice lunch and a better excuse."

"Why me?" I was whining and I didn't care.

"Because you're my best friend and there is no one else I can ask."

Oh crap, when she said it that way. "Fine. But you'll owe me- big time."

"Absolutely. You want my car anytime, it's done. Want my apartment, I'll hand over the keys… want to go fabric shopping…"

I laughed. "Ok, ok… not that much gratitude. I won't know what to do with it…I'll call you later to tell you how it went. Which restaurant did you suggest by the way?"

"I'd said Claire's … he had suggested around one… thanks a ton Jules. This really means a lot to me."

"Hey, no sweat. Go enjoy the beach…I'll call you later."

*

As usual, I was running late because I couldn't decide what to wear. Pumps or sneakers? I decided neither when I slipped on a pair of ballet flats. I might freeze in them but it gave of the casual sophisticated look I wanted to project. Jeans and a cable sweater? Maybe a smart jacket instead?

I didn't realize till I was bounding down the stairs that I was wearing red shoes, blue jeans, black coat, brown gloves and a bright green scarf. I tried to remember where I'd put my black scarf and gloves when I ran into Lee.

"Hey there – sorry I wasn't able to make it to your office hours to hand in the rough draft of my paper."

"No problem – just email it to me," I said, not pausing to look at him.

I was in too much of a rush to shoo him off when he came up behind me.

"What's the rush?"

"I'm meeting someone for lunch – that's the rush."

"What time were you supposed to meet?"

"One," I said from somewhere in the coat closet which is where I could've sworn I'd thrown my black scarf.

"Then what are you still doing here?"

I pushed past him to peer hopefully under the couch. "Apparently, wasting time talking to you."

"Ah time spent talking to me is never a waste cher," I snorted my opinion but he continued unfazed, "but tell me did you manage to catch Hunter?"

"No. Yes." I sighed and straightened up. I looked like an artist's palette but after all, how much could my clashing scarf and shoes add to the annoyance of someone who's been stood up. I gathered my stuff again. "My friend did hear from him but only last night and I'd already told her that he wasn't going to make it. So she left for the weekend and now I'm going to meet him instead."

"What, you're going to pretend to be his sister?"

"Jeez. Of course not. I'll pass on her apologies in person and I have the time till I get to Claire's to think up of a good story as to why she isn't here."

"Why not just tell him the truth?"

I would've stopped to give the thickhead the look of pity he deserved but I was running way late. "Let's see – she asks an estranged brother to lunch, which he reluctantly accepts to find not his sister but her friend there. That's gonna be enough to piss him off and if I tell him that it's sort of his fault for not replying till the last moment, I don't think it'll sit too well. I'm trying to help things here, not make them worse."

"Maybe he'd find your company more interesting cher. And if he doesn't, I'd be happy to take his place…"

We were out of the building and I stopped at the crossing to roll my eyes at him. "Unless I have your rough draft in by tonight, no amount of flattery will get you an A you know."

He grinned, a quick mischievous smile that told me he wasn't done yet. "But what if I told you that getting a rise out of you makes the grades seem irrelevant."

"Then I'd say that you're either rolling in family money or full of bullshit, neither of which I appreciate too much."

"How about I keep you company till he arrives and you can tell me more about this beautifully screwed up family."

I could see Claire's a block away and crossed my fingers that I wasn't too late. "He would probably be waiting for me and why are you so interested anyway?"

He gave a shrug. "No particular reason but it sounds like such a wonderful mix of human psychology and well … soap opera type drama… irresistible combination."

I guess I should've taken offense at what he said, but one of the advantages of my immaturity is that I can at least be honest about things what they are. And the situation was amusing I guess and well … a bit melodramatic. Rather like a soap opera really.

I pushed the door to Claire's and then just stood there. I had no clue what the guy looked like and he sure as hell wouldn't know me. I considered calling Chris but then I looked over at Lee and for the first time since I ran into him that afternoon, I was glad to see him.

"Is he here?"

He looked amused. "Don't tell me you don't know what he looks like…"

"Fine, I won't. You just tell me if he's in the restaurant."

He looked around and shook his head. "Nope, don't see him here."

"The creep. He's more than fifteen minutes late." I turned to the waitress. "Hi – I had a reservation for one o'clock. It should be under Strand." She took us to the table and as I was shrugging out of my coat I asked her to please watch for anyone looking for a Christine Carter and giving his name as Hunter and to direct him to the table.

"Uh…ma'am I'm sorry but you can't have three people sit at this table. If you pull up a chair, it'll block the aisle…so I can get you a bigger table."

I said "No" almost simultaneously as Lee said "Yes." I took a deep breath. "No, that would not be necessary. This gentleman would be leaving soon."

"Oh – ok." She looked at me as if I was crazy to allow the said gentleman to leave and I realized that I'd forgotten that Lee was a good looking guy. I'd gotten too comfortable with him as my amusing, if slightly annoying, neighbor.

"Anyway – you were going to tell me about your friend."

"I was?" I said in a tone that clearly articulated, I wasn't.

"Ofcourse you were. It'll help kill time till Hunter arrives. That and some carrot cake, maybe?"

He looked so hopeful that I couldn't help but order two slices.

"There goes my diet," I said ruefully.

"You don't need one."

I shook my head. "I'm already big enough, if I put on more weight, I'd be like that giantess in Jack and the Beanstalk, you know the one who cooks the little boys when her husband goes 'Fee-fi-fo-fum.'"

"If you're a giantness, then I guess that makes me some sort of gargantuan and funnily enough, I've never felt like one."

I didn't want to go any deeper into the whole 'giantess' issue and was almost glad when he asked, "What do you think she'll say – your friend that is, to a brother she barely knows?"

I mulled on it for a second and licked some cream cheese topping from my spoon. "I don't know – ask him if he was happy here, what classes he was taking … that sort of thing…" I paused to take another bite – "I'd forgotten how good their carrot cake was," – before continuing, "she'd ask him about the girl he's dating and give him some advice… probably dish out some more about his clothes – which, if he had any sense he'd take. She really has a great sense of style." I cast a regretful glance at my medley of attire. "Anyway, I think she just wants to talk to him… just sort of introduce herself and see what he's like as a person… you know, a no- pressure, 'Hello, I'm related to you and would like to get to know you better' sort of thing."

"But why would she want to, after all this time?"

"I think that as cut off as she was from her family, her father's death still affected her. The guy was a bastard, but he was still her father and I guess she wants to at least make an attempt to connect with whatever family she does have before it's too late."

"Yeah … I guess…" he checked his watch and my eyes flicked to mine. It was one thirty and still no sign of Hunter.

"Are you sure you were supposed to meet him at one?"

"Yeah. That's what Chris told me – and it's not like her to be scatterbrained about these things." I realized that Lee probably had some place to be. "You don't have to wait around, I guess I'll give him another ten-fifteen minutes and then I'll leave as well." Then a horrible thought struck me. "Oh God, what if he came and left thinking he'd been stood up?"

Lee waved it off. "Nah… no one's that punctual. Besides, he's got to know the cardinal guy rule of giving women at least fifteen minutes to have some sort of last minute fit about that they're wearing."

I glared at him as he smiled and started pulling out his wallet.

"Don't worry about it. You were helpful … sort of… and I hate being in restaurants by myself. Consider it a treat."

"Ok," he put away his wallet, "put I owe you a slice of carrot cake."

I rubbed my stomach. "Thanks, but I think one slice of Claire's lasts me a while."

"I wasn't going to get you one from Claire's…" he sounded almost offended.

"Then?"

"I'd make it ofcourse."

My eyes almost popped out. "You can make carrot cake?"

"Yes. It doesn't grow on trees you know… even these guys do make it from scratch." He gave me the sort of look a rancher would give a tenderfoot city girl – all smug and superior in a way that said 'I'm the master of this turf' – but I was too amazed to really say anything about it to him. I was having a real, live conversation with a guy who could make carrot cake. Who knew such things existed in this world? But I felt I needed to bring him down a peg or two.

"Maybe you can make it – but can you beat Claire's?"

His eyes narrowed at the challenge. "And what if I can?"

Huh… so he'd sort of turned it back on me. What if he could indeed?

"Then you have to come out dancing with me."

Dancing with him? "Oh no, absolutely not. First, I don't dance; second, it's totally inappropriate and third, you have a girl friend for crissakes."

"Well – first, I think you do; second, it can be after this semester is over and third, Melissa doesn't like dancing."

A vision of a blonde seated on a guy's lap and making out with him flashed into my mind. Shit, so Melissa had been there at Fahrenheit as well. Good thing she was too wasted to remember me and I was glad Lee hadn't reminded her. But then why was he still dating her? Never mind, that was none of my business.

"Who gets to decide whether it is better or not?"

"You can. I trust you to be honest." He looked back at his watch. "And it's approaching one forty-five. Are you going to wait any longer?"

I sighed at the result of a wait that had led me no closer to helping Chris but had landed me in a silly bet. "No. There's no point in waiting any more. Thanks for waiting with me."

"No problem," he said and I paid the bill and we left.

Chapter 12

"Want to catch a drink?" Brad sounded almost desperate over the phone.

"I never thought New Haven was such a hot place but you can't seem to keep away from it." I was thinking that now that I was a student and all again maybe I should not be holed up by myself on a Saturday night but some habits are just too comfortable and hard to break. Besides, just the thought of getting out of my ratty gear and wondering for the second time that day what the hell I should wear went over my threshold of effort I was willing to dispense. Pathetic but true. Instead I took a nap (naps in the afternoon gave me a guilty pleasure that sex in the office closet could not match), walked to the Ivy Noodle and got some bad Chinese and was in the process of dumping out the leftovers when Brad called.

"So … I pick you up in twenty?"

"Yeah. Sure. Where did you say we were going?"

"I don't know… you pick. Just someplace with parking I guess."

An hour later we were sitting in my apartment sipping good vodka with crappy OJ.

"What brand did you pick?" I made a face. "I can hardly abide anything but organic freshly squeezed anymore…" and that made Brad laugh.

"You just sounded so much like…" he didn't say anything so I asked, "Like whom?" and he just said, "Them." I guess I could pretend to not understand (I feel that I've mastered that skill by now with Mary) but I decided not to.

"Imagine facing a lifetime of that…" I don't remember which one of us voiced the thought but it sure was racing through both our minds. "Remain yourself Jules – don't let the pulpiness of the orange juice stop your enjoyment of a screwdriver." He sounded tipsy but serious enough that I wasn't going to laugh at him although I did decide he needed coffee.

I got up to boil some water and started rummaging in the shelf for the Starbucks packet that Chris had presented me (really, so that she could have her coffee when she visited)and Brad started speaking again, this time to draw attention away from himself.

"So how was your weekend?"

I handed him the mug of coffee that I hoped wasn't peel-your-stomach-lining-off strong. Although considering what he might get at the hospital, he might not even notice.

"Nothing great." I tentatively watched him take a sip. "I got stood up by this guy I was supposed to meet for lunch yesterday." His eyes winged up either because of the coffee or what I'd said.

"Great coffee…" Huh, go figure. "So who was this asshole and why were you having lunch with him in the first place?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "Don't go all protective on me…" and bit my tongue before adding 'it isn't the first time this has happened,' "The asshole is Chris's brother – or rather step brother who she is trying to reconnect with and I'd offered to help out."

"How would your taking him for lunch help him connect with Chris? I know you guys are close but still…"

I swatted him on his arm and he laughed. "No, you idiot… Chris had invited him to lunch but he never responded and so she went away for the weekend. And of course, just as she landed in Aruba…"

"…she got his confirmation for lunch…ah, I can see how that would not play too well."

"Exactly. So for her endless gratitude I showed up with a half baked story for her absence and profuse apologies but the guy never showed."

"What an asshole." I nodded my agreement as he started rummaging for keys, pager, and cell phone. Then he paused and frowned. "Didn't you say you hated eating alone in restaurants … Chris really does owe you her eternal gratitude – and I hope you collect."

I laughed as he shrugged on his coat. "Oh yes – that lovely new toy of hers… the Audi TT I mean is going to have its mettle tested by me. Although I wasn't exactly alone – I ran into one of the undergrads in the class I TA … you know him actually – he's the one you'd seen at Cosi the other week."

We'd reached the door when he turned to me in the hallway. "The kid with the baggage …"

"Right," I said remembering how we both had thought the same thing. Then he paused at the door. "Chris's brother you said?" I nodded, confused about where he was going with his enquiry. And then he gave the most peculiar start. "What did you say was the name of this student in your class?"

"Uh… Lee…Why do you ask?"

He closed the door again. "You remember that day I'd told you that I'd seen him somewhere?" I nodded. "There is a chance I'm mistaken of course but I'm quite sure he is him."

I was thoroughly confused now. "Him, whom? What in the world are you talking about Brad? Maybe you shouldn't be driving yet."

"He is Chris's stepbrother. I'd seen him at his father's – or stepfather's funeral a year or two back. My father had had business dealings with Morgan Carter and he and I had attended the funeral. That asshole was playing you all along…"

Seeing Brad so pissed made me almost miss the roar of my own anger. "Are you sure?"

He nodded. "Pretty sure. I think his full name is Hunter Lee Evans – you know his mother was such a southern belle type… check his student records. You do have some sort of access into student files to enter their grades and all, right?"

That little shit. He'd been pumping me for information on Chris all along. Chris, oh lord, how in the world was I supposed to tell her… everything?

Chapter 13

In the end I decided not to tell her anything for the time being. I needed some time to think and get the story straight in my head and decide how to confront Hunter before I brought Chris into the whole mess. And Brad… thankfully he didn't know that Lee… Hunter lived in my building or of my encounter with him at Fahrenheit. Christ, talk about complicated.

The only pleasant thoughts that week were how I would wreck vengeance against that creep. Only that my actions might hurt Chris – which I didn't want. And the creep had actually sent her an email explaining that his mother had asked for him and he had to rush to her side and apologizing for his rudeness of accepting late and then not showing up. Chris had sounded so happy when she'd called me to say that they were going to meet up over the winter break that I didn't quite know how to explain the whole matter to her.

I brought out all the rough drafts of the midterm papers I'd received and tried to occupy myself by reading through some of them and doing some editing. An hour later, I gave up, frustrated beyond measure. Of course that rat fink would also have to write a great paper so I couldn't even get the satisfaction of giving him a C-. There was only one thing left to do.

An hour later I was happily attacking one of my main foe's dens on Hunters and feeling marginally better. OriginalOne was normally never careless, but there it was – an unguarded nest that I'd taken over. It helped me put things in perspective. After all, Hunter didn't know that I knew about his little charade and that put me at advantage. How exactly, I wasn't sure but I was sure it did. Besides, considering that he had already lied to his sister and me, he had more to lose if the truth outed about him taking us for a ride. I might look stupid, but he would be exposing his rat-finkness to everyone and something told me that he wouldn't want Chris to have that impression of him. Really, I should just play along till I run into him with Chris – I could innocently ask her for an introduction and then let him squirm … I almost did a little mwahahaha as I killed the last of OriginalOne's hunters and replaced them with mine.

*

Wednesday came and went without much incident. There were very few questions about the way I'd graded the rough drafts and most of them came from Melissa.

"But if the argument is well written enough, why do I still have a B?"

Because I was feeling a little kindly towards you seeing as you are dating a rat fink and didn't want to give you the B- or C you deserved. She sounded pissed off already and something told me that it wasn't the best time to proclaim magnanimity.

"Because Melissa, your thesis is essentially weak and you do not have adequate evidence to support it. I'd actually advise you to pick a different topic altogether – if you'd come to my office hours tomorrow I can help you out with that."

"But the paper is due on Monday…"

"That, unfortunately, cannot be helped." It made me feel bitchy and awful and although I don't mind being either, I like to direct my bitchiness and awfulness with care.

"Look – why don't you come see me tomorrow? I can probably help you salvage part of the paper for a more focused topic." I almost patted her shoulder out of sympathy but she looked up and directed a gaze so angry at me that I almost stepped back.

"Uh… you know that the midterm paper is only twenty five percent of the grade right?" I tried for reassurance.

"Yes." I think she was trying to smile but it was so much like a grimace that I almost winced. Overdriven undergraduates were never my cup of tea – even when I was an undergraduate. "Thanks for offering to help. I'll see you tomorrow." I sent up a silent prayer hoping I made the office hours with my sanity intact.

"You look worried cher." God, he'd simply made a habit of walking back from class with me and I really wasn't in the mood for his bullshit right then … or ever. I tried to keep my thin veneer of maturity from being scraped away by his voice so that I wouldn't turn on him in the middle of a building full of undergrads and hit him on the head with my psych and law books.

When I didn't say anything, he continued on. "Melissa is a bit obsessive about grades but she works really hard. Her parents have always given her a tough time about grades. She's not a bad kid … she could really use someone cutting her a break."

We had crossed through old campus and I still hadn't said anything so he would know that I was royally pissed off. I didn't mind that but I didn't want him thinking it was because of Melissa. God knew she was annoying but atleast she wasn't driving me to violence.

"You can rest yourself about Melissa." But for you buddy – you'd better watch out. "I have done this before you know," I didn't even try to keep the sarcasm from my voice, "and contrary to what you may believe, I am here to help her, not out baying for her blood." He looked a bit taken aback and I thought, good, let him get an inkling of the violence I wanted to rain on his head.

"I know that Julia." He sounded serious, like his light flirtatiousness was nothing more than a veneer as well. "I think you're a great TA and I apologize if I came across sounding like you didn't know what you were doing." He muttered an apology and went off towards Starbucks, away from the apartment building so that I walked the remaining two blocks by myself. God, what if I had it wrong… what if there was another guy with the same name and he wasn't Chris's brother at all? I calmed myself down as I reached my apartment. I hadn't said anything to anyone, so it would be fine if he wasn't … and I'd find out the truth in a couple of weeks anyway since I was going to see Chris over winter break and I'd expect her to introduce me to her brother in any case. And then, may God save him…

Considering that I was still reaching flash point pretty easily when I thought about the possibility of him taking me for a ride, I decided I needed to put some checks in place so that it wouldn't affect my work as his teaching assistant. I wouldn't mind wreaking vengeance on him if indeed he had been lying to me but I couldn't afford to let it take the form of unfairly grading his work. So the next day I spoke to Professor Locke before section and told her that I had a new system for grading the final papers.

"Doesn't it seem a little too cautionary Julia?" she looked puzzled after I'd explained it to her.

"Well… yes. But you see, the final paper is a good sixty percent of the grade and we've already decided not to do rough drafts on it. And it is more than likely that some students may not be satisfied with their grade." I paused to build up my case on the fly, "Considering that I have heard some argument even on the mid term papers, I think it would go a long way to assure students that we won't be holding previous performance against them and it would also ease our way during grading." She looked thoughtful and suddenly I was very glad that Melissa had cornered me in class the previous day. There was a ready made situation that explained everything and didn't compel me to acknowledging that it was another student, not Melissa who was the issue for me.

"Yes," she said after a pause, "I can see where you're coming from. And you're right – it can only help by being more impartial. Alright then, you can announce the relevant details in section today."

The idea was that the students would only put the last four digits of their students' identification numbers on the hard copies of the papers which they would submit to me. Emailed or other soft copies would not be acceptable. I would then grade them and hand them to the professor would had access to their ID numbers and could match the grades appropriately. For once I actually saw Melissa look happy with me when I announced the special grading method in section that day. Lee … Hunter looked a trifle worried and distracted but I made myself stop before I went on a mental tangent thinking what he might be up to next.

As it were, I found out soon enough. I'd been poring over my torts class notes – my exams were only two weeks away and even though my first semester was pass/ fail, I didn't want to be lulled into a false sense of security. Besides, there is nothing like work to take my mind off other complications in my life. So when I heard a knock on my door, I went to answer it in a rather preoccupied state of mind that disintegrated into utter confusion when I saw Hunter at my doorstep.

"What…?" He held up a box and even covered, I could detect a mouth watering aroma.

"As promised … carrot cake better than Claire's." As I stood there gaping at the box in my hands, he spoke again, "Also, I think I owe you an apology."

"Look … if this is about day before … about Melissa – you really don't…"

"No. No, that's not all. Uh- could I come in?"

I let him in with some reluctance. "I'm kinda busy…"

"This really won't take long… the only thing I ask is that you give me ten minutes and umm… don't throw the carrot cake. It really is pretty good."

I kept the cake on the counter. "Huh? Why would I…?"

"Ten minutes. Please."

I indicated a chair and sat down myself on the futon.

"I guess I'll start with the simple fact of my name. Although I prefer to go by Lee at school, that is not my first name. My full name as a matter of fact is Hunter Lee Evans. Normally that would only be considered a rather overly southern name but nothing more… in this case, as I can see by your expression, it means a little more than that. I am Christine – Chris's half brother."

I was completely taken by surprise that he decided to tell me himself and the question of why he'd decided to do so was really bothering me. So I said nothing and waited for him to continue.

"You're a great friend to Chris and I really respect you for that … but that is also why I didn't say anything in the beginning. I've never really known her and it was a little … disconcerting … I guess when I suddenly got an email from her." He gave a rueful laugh. "Since your opinion of me is horrible anyway I might as well tell you that my initial reaction was to scope out whether she wanted to sic some lawsuit on me or Beth … that's my mother. For all his financial genius Chris's father had not left a will when he died and at the time it was decided to split his assets fifty-fifty between Chris and my mother. And since I had only seen her at the funeral after ages and had not heard from her since, I thought …"

I'd been simmering till then but his last few words simply blew my top off. "I can guess very well what you thought Mr. Evans. Now if you're done, get out." I stalked to the door and held it open, "A word of advice – don't measure everyone by your own yardstick. Chris doesn't need your money – and I'm increasingly compelled to tell her that she could do well without you as well. Oh, and as far as being slimy is concerned, don't think I haven't noticed that your so called conscience did not awaken till you ascertained that I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your grade in my class. Not everyone stoops to that level … just leave."

He said nothing but nodded and left. What an ass… poor Chris … she was going to end up with a manipulative S.O.B for a brother. Jesus, I wanted to kick something or in the absence of that, I needed some chocolate. Of course, I had to be out of my carefully controlled rations. I'd just slammed the refrigerator shut when I noticed the carrot cake still lying on the counter. I'd completely forgotten about it. I opened the box, intending to upturn the contents into the garbage when I noticed the lettering on it. 'Sorry' it said in cream icing. I took a sniff… I bet he got it from Claire's the slime… if he thought he could buy me off with a twenty dollar cake... did he think that I wouldn't be able to recognize its taste? I cut a small sliver … after all, I'd had that enough times to know when … Oh … the cake simply melted in my mouth. It was flakier, lighter than Claire's and yes, hard as it was for me to admit, it was much better tasting. Well, he probably hadn't made it himself – he was probably lying about that too. So instead of studying my notes on Con law, I sat that evening and munched on delicious carrot cake while contemplating whether I should tell Chris that she had cynical bastard for a brother.

Chapter 14

In the end I said nothing about it to Chris. First, I didn't want to spoil her happiness and second, I realized, sometime through devouring the cake that if I put myself in Hunter's shoes, I might have done something similar. I mean, hadn't I also thought that it was understandable that he hadn't welcomed her overture with open arms? With an influence like Morgan Carter around, I could imagine anyone becoming suspicious of a show of affection. I still hadn't forgiven him for playing me the fool but had decided that the jury was still out regarding whether Chris needed to be protected against him.

"I'm not saying anything to your sister," I informed him when I walked into class early the next day, "yet."

It was the last day of classes – reading period was starting the next week and I had gone there early to organize last minute notes and questions about the final paper that people had emailed me. I had been surprised to see him there – after all, it was almost twenty minutes before class, but I decided it was for the best. I needed to warn him to not pull that type of stunt again but wasn't looking forward to a phone conversation or showing up at his doorstep.

He looked up from where he'd been typing at his laptop but didn't say anything. I took a deep breath – might as well get it over with. "I'm not kindly disposed about being taken for a ride, but I can understand why you behaved the way you did. However, my understanding stops here and now if you pull a stunt like this with Chris, God help you because I certainly won't."

He smiled and although it was a tight smile, it seemed genuine. "Protecting your own, eh?"

"You could say that." I started peeling off my layers of warm clothing.

"So wait … Chris doesn't even know that I live in your building?"

"No. As far as she knows, you were supposed to meet her for lunch but you cancelled at the last moment and now you guys are planning to meet over your winter break."

"So…uh, how do I explain how I know you?"

"You don't… know me that is, or explain anything."

"But won't she get suspicious when she finds out that I live in your building?" he sounded doubtful.

"No." I felt I'd answered too quickly and could feel the heat climb my neck. Heavens above I couldn't let either of them find out that I already knew him or that he was the guy I'd seen at Fahrenheit. "Look, it's an apartment building… lots of people stay there and there is no reason for us to know each other. I'm not a very sociable type anyway, so Chris won't find that hard to believe."

He still looked unconvinced so I added, "If you go into long winded explanations – THAT would look far more suspicious…" and because I wanted to change the topic of conversation before I talked my mouth off, "so … what are you doing so early in class anyway? Frantically finishing your final paper?"

He smiled and opened up his laptop again. "You'd be disappointed at my tardiness. No, I wasn't writing my paper, I was playing a game online. The wireless on the campus buildings is so much better than the connection at the apartment."

"What sort of game?"

"Nothing very cerebral I'm afraid…"

"Still…"

"Ok. You asked … its this game called 'Hunters' – its kind of about these mutant warrior armies. You try to take over other people's territories – lots of strategy…"

"Hunters…" Well, what do you know? I must have sounded as surprised as I felt because a note of embarrassment entered his voice when he answered.

"Yes, I know… I've heard it all before. Melissa has told me a million times I need to grow out of my teenage years…" he gave me a quick mischievous grin, "so I play it in the classrooms which makes me appear so much more mature…"

I had to know. I moved behind him so that I could see his screen name but before I could do so, someone entered the classroom and he shut his laptop and stowed it away.

Melissa was looking positively belligerent as she put her books down with a noticeable thump on the table.

"Lee was telling me about online games…" I knew I didn't need to explain anything but things were complicated enough without his twit of a girlfriend getting some warped idea in her head.

She rolled her eyes, "God … Lee, I'd thought you'd at least spare your TA a description of this stupid thing…" I almost joined Lee's indignant, "Hey!" before she continued, "Really, I know it must boost your ego to feel like the king of some fantasy universe … one that's almost named for you…" I must have looked puzzled because she turned to me and explained, "Lee's his middle name you know … his first name is…" Hunter! Of course – I tuned her out for the remainder of her sentence. Could it be…? It made sense though…an ironic situation that someone called Hunter would be obsessed with a game sharing his name… so did that make him OriginalOne … the original 'Hunter'? Good God!

"So…" I hoped my forced nonchalance didn't at least appear THAT false, "is there a ranking or something? How do you know how well you're doing?"

He looked up at me. "Yeah – it's a point based ranking and I'm near the top…"

"Huh… out of how many players?"

"Like six million"

"Yeah," Melissa snorted, "like six million six year olds…"

"Actually – constant exposure to a rapidly changing environment reinforces the mind's ability to adapt and enhances the neuronal networks that make an individual a more flexible, 'out of the box' thinker." There, take that you online-gaming bigot!

Melissa and Hunter were both looking a bit stunned after my vehement outburst in the defense of online video games and so I was much relieved when the class filled up rapidly with the next couple of minutes and we moved on to the final lecture. Of course, once the class got done he had to be waiting outside for me.

"I felt like I owed my knight in shining armor … in this case armed with a psychology text … a thanks for defending the greatness of 'Hunters' because you could decidedly not have been defending me, could you cher?"

"Jesus, Hunter – lay off it. Flattering me won't help you with Chris or with your grade…"

"Why do you assume that those might be the only reasons I could be flattering you?"

I just shook my head and kept walking. Whether they liked it or not, Morgan Carter's children had definitely gotten his charm and tenacity.

He spoke again. "So … how did you like the carrot cake?"

I turned around and narrowed my eyes. "Perhaps I threw it away…"

"With a sweet tooth like yours? Nah… you didn't…"

He sounded so absolutely sure that it grated on my nerves. "I thought it was a too sweet – a little overdone like the person who made it." He laughed a warm full-throated laugh and I ruefully thought that no doubt the guy was so absurdly confident … he probably had to pry women off with a crowbar. In that moment he reminded me so much of Dave Temple and the other guys who'd always been too sure of themselves and had used that to poke away at the confidence of others. I remembered feeling so embarrassed and foolish when they'd made fun of me in a floral skirt and it washed up my recent anger at being the object of Hunter's duplicity. He needed to be taught a lesson and I knew just how.

"So… how did you get into this online game thing?"

He shrugged. "Escapism I suppose … and I could obviously not give up a chance at enhancing my neural networks…" he gave me a sidelong glance like he wasn't sure how I'd take it but my barely suppressed smile must have reassured him because he continued, "besides, someone has to right the mistakenly maligned rep that online – and video – games have. It is fine for someone to read or paint or hell, even shoot as a hobby but you mention a complex and strategic activity that just happens to require some opposable thumb action and everyone turns up their noses." I didn't suppress my laugh this time. "It just isn't fair you know…"

"So what complex strategies have you come up with?"

He looked at me and I bit my tongue from blabbering and making me look even more suspicious. I was glad I did because I realized that he didn't look suspicious – more thoughtful than anything. Of course people hid suspicion as thoughtfulness maybe if all one had were suspicious thoughts…ok, I was singularly bad at this surreptitious thing. I was more than ready to spill my guts when he answered, "Well – you kind of have to understand the game world before you get the strategy. Basically, one starts off with a core group of hunters and the mission is to…"

We walked the rest of the distance to our apartment building companionably chatting. Well, he did most of the chatting, I was nodding along at appropriate intervals and I was impressed by how much he got the game. I'd always been vaguely embarrassed that it had taken me almost eight months before I had edged out OriginalOne and more likely than not, it was going to be some teenage, or even worse a pre-teen. I was glad that at least age wise, I had not been outdone by some actual kid.

"So one has to challenge and win a higher ranked player in order to really win. There is a point based ranking, like I'd explained but when you get to the top hundred or players, you can't just keep trouncing those below you to rack up on points. Of course, if one loses such a challenge then the damage it does to one's rank is quite bad… massive point loss and all. Really – it's rather cleverly designed to keep players interested and motivated."

I had keyed us into the building and was goaded to temptation. "So… you're in the top hundred huh?"

"Yeah – well…" he looked abashed like he expected me to start making fun of him. When I didn't he finally looked up and said with a tiny smile, "Actually, I'm contending for the top position."

"And your contender is…?"

"I don't know. But sure as hell it isn't some six year old kid… Chaotica and I have been neck to neck for a while now but soon enough she'll be blown to chaos…"

The elevator dinged its arrival in the lobby. "I thought you didn't know who your competitor was…"

"I don't. I just don't think any self respecting guy would call himself 'Chaotica.'" Huh, like OriginalOne was oh so manly, I retaliated in my head as we stepped into the elevator.

"So what's your great plan?"

The elevator was beeping its slow climb but with every passing floor I was growing more frantic. I could never regain an opening like this again … I felt like I was in some sort of espionage flick but instead of the Kremlin or the White House being blown up, here the evil guy was trying to blow up my carefully constructed virtual empire. Ding! Another floor went by … was this guy ever going to say anything? He looked over relaxed and a bit smug and I could've strangled him for all the tension he was putting me through Ding! Only one more floor…ok, no big deal – I could try to finagle it out of him again sometime. The final ding at my floor made me decide that I'd have been a poor 007 and an even worse Vespa. I couldn't even get one guy to spill his beans on the strategy of a game for the love of God – how I'd ever have made people divulge state secrets was beyond me.

The doors opened and I pushed past the two other people in the elevator with us. Hunter looked up at me with a pleased grin still plastered across his face. "Chaotica will never know what hit her…" I stepped out onto my floor. "She'd never guess that the break she'd been looking to get into my defenses was a Trojan horse…" and the doors slid shut again.

Chapter 15

I leaned back in my ergonomically designed desk chair and cracked my knuckles. It had been a very productive day at the end of a very productive week and I was proud of myself. Between finishing my exams, handing in the grades for the final papers for Professor Locke's class and thwarting Hunter from overthrowing my reign of terror in my online realm I was feeling quite on top of things. All I needed to make it absolutely peachy was a night out with Chris… I was in the mood to celebrate.

Just as I was about to pick up my cellphone to give her a ring, it went off. 'Déjà vu' I thought, but it wasn't her – it was Brad.

"Are you up for some dinner?"

Actually I'd much rather have gone clubbing in the city but…wait, maybe…

"Sure… are you heading into the city tonight?"

"Unless you're inviting me to stay…hmmm?" I could just picture him crossing and waggling his eyes and it made me laugh.

"Actually, I was wondering if you could give me a ride into the city."

"Sure." He sounded a bit surprised. "I need to get in for a mid night shift … where do you need to be dropped?"

"Chris's place"

"Will 11 work for you?"

"Perfect." Just the right time to hit the clubs and seeing that it was Friday night, and a mere four days from Christmas, Chris would surely be up for a little R&R before the holidays struck.

"See you in a hour then." He hung up before I could tell him that no way was an hour enough for me to decide what to wear. Sometimes I wished it was still the good ol' days with maids who laid out your clothes and even helped you into them with minimum fuss. Not that I'd have liked someone breathing down my neck as I dressed or silently assess the percent increase in my girth during the holiday season. Maybe I could magnetically tag all my clothes and set up a randomizing program that would pick stuff out … now there was a thought.

I spent the next hour calling Chris and confirming my plans with her and thinking about an automatic wardrobe and deciding what would be good enough to go clubbing in but also wearable to an upscale bar or restaurant. Ultimately, I decided a silver grey sleeveless top with black leather pants and the rub of the satiny material on my back and the warm suppleness of the leather on my legs was making me feel alive with that tingly feeling that anything was possible. I picked up my jacket and felt an additional kick at the thought that I wouldn't need any gloves or multiple layers – being one of those rare fifties days in December – and after checking for keys and cellphone, went downstairs to wait outside. Parking was always painful on College Street and this way, Brad wouldn't have to pay some ridiculous amount for the garage next door.

"Painting the town red?" Normally, the flirtatious tone in his voice would've irritated me but that day I was feeling charitable towards Hunter, having foiled his strategy and all. "Yes, imagine! Your TA has a life…!"

"You aren't my TA any more cher… today was the last day of the semester."

"Yes, well, what are you still doing here?" I asked eager to change the topic.

"I had my last final this morning – I'm leaving for home tomorrow." He paused and had a look of uncertainly as if deciding whether or not to tell me something. "Christine is coming over for New Year's," he blurted suddenly.

"To your place?" She must really want to build bridges with her step bro to give up her annual New Year's bash.

"Well… it is hers as well…"

I rolled my eyes. "You know what I mean…"

"Yes, she'll be at Three Cedars and before you roll your eyes again at the name consider that it could've been something much worse…"

"Like what? Tara?" I could help my rejoinder less than my laugh and he gave a mock shudder. "Please for the love of all that is holy don't ever say 'Gone with the Wind' to me… I'm possibly the only guy you'll meet who knows Scarlett O'Hara's every line by heart."

"Why?" I couldn't help needle him. "Have you seen the movie that many times?"

"Nope – my mother … she…ah…she used to read me the book and voice over Scarlett's parts as a bedtime story." He seemed embarrassed sharing this bit of information with me like a poker player admitting he had a tell.

"Hey – at least you had someone tell you bedtime stories…" he looked back at me and it was my turn to squirm. "My mother died when I was pretty young – and I was too old for them by the time Mary – that's my stepmother – came on the scene."

"One's never too old for bedtime stories…"

"Oh yeah … so what do you read now?"

"Well … I create my fantasy world online – that is a bedtime story for me. Something far removed from the world we live in but carrying echoes of the same hopes and fears we face."

This reminded me, "So … how is your quest for supremacy going?"

"It's in the works… I swear it was almost as though Chaotica – that's my opponent by the way – read my mind. Still, I have another surprise in the works for her … a series of random little attacks to make her believe in a pattern and then a sudden onslaught."

What kind of an idiot did he think I was that I'd fall for that? Not that his warning hadn't helped though…

"Shouldn't you get going to wherever you were going?" I didn't want Brad to see him talking with me and then play twenty questions.

"And leave you all to yourself on the street while looking like you're gonna paint the town red cher? Someone has to protect other guys from breaking their hearts over you."

"Jesus … sometimes I swear…"

"Jules! There you are…" I turned in the direction of the voice and saw Brad walking towards me. I tensed, wondering what he might say to Hunter, but he just said 'Hi' and gave me a peck on my cheek.

"You should've dressed more warmly. And why aren't you waiting inside? It's not safe here on the street."

I had the urge to smack him for treating me like an eight year old but the fact that doing so might only reinforce the 'silly little girl' image that he apparently had of me stopped me. Besides, I could always smack him in the car when we didn't have an audience.

Brad had taken my arm but before I could start moving towards his car, the said audience spoke up. "I'd say she needs as much protection on the wild streets of New Haven as I would … probably less." Brad glared at him and he held up his hands in defense. "Hey, have you ever been kicked by stiletto heels? Those things can hurt." I was torn between gratefulness for his defense and exasperation that he felt he needed to defend me at all. Since I really dislike feeling grateful – no better emotion than that or guilt to get bilked out of house and home, I settled for exasperation.

I turned and gave Hunter a sweet smile. "Thanks. I'm sure that assessment carries the weight of much experience in being caught in the shins by women's shoes…happy holidays and take care not to run into spiky heels or TA's who wear them." And before either of them could say anything I walked off in what I hoped to be the direction of the car.

Fortunately I didn't have to turn around and spoil my grand exit and was considerably cheered by my verbal sparring skills when I pulled on the seat belt in Brad's car. He wasn't looking too pleased and for a moment I wondered if it was because he drove a 70K mile, '93 Accord. As a fan of call things car, I often wondered why he drove that beat up old vehicle … some remnant of his baby saving days in Africa, no doubt. Maybe I could suggest a Prius to him – a decent car and one could feel better about polluting the planet only half as much.

"What were you doing out with that guy?"

My Prius related thoughts scrambled and I tried to answer him without sounding irritated. "Brad, that guy happens to be a student of mine – and speaking two words about the goddamn weather doesn't mean we were 'hanging out'." It felt so righteous and good to let out my anger and make Brad scowl that I gave up on not sounding irritated and was entirely successful in drowning out that little voice in my head that was piping up against the slight distortion of facts.

"Student or not, he's Morgan Carter's son and you don't know what guys like him are like … all that smarmy charm and smooth talking."

"Brad, where do you think I've been working all these years that I don't know about smarmy guys? A nunnery for chrissakes?"

"That's not the point. He's just… never mind, I don't want to spend time arguing with you. Just be careful, ok?"

He sounded so genuinely worried that I squelched my annoyance. "Look, its not like I'm dating the guy … moreover the semester's done and I doubt I'd be seeing much of him at all."

He gave me a half disbelieving look. "And what about Chris?"

I decided to play dumb. "What about Chris?"

"Aren't you going to tell her anything?"

"For now, no." Brad looked ready to launch into another tirade on how she would be unable to handle a smarmy brother but I held up my hand. "Look, this is entirely her business. And considering how long she's been estranged from him, he didn't really act all that smarmy."

"He lied to you Jules."

I shook my head. "But then he also told me the truth himself."

"He did?"

"Yep."

Brad gave a snort. "That's probably because he remembered seeing me at his father's funeral as I had him and he figured that since the cat was out of the bag, it wouldn't hurt to own up and get some brownie points with you."

Wow, and I thought I was cynical. "Brad, I really think you're overanalyzing the situation… anyway, I'm keeping an eye out and if he makes Chris miserable in the slightest I'll have you go beat him up after I kick his ass to hell and back first."

Finally, I'd teased a grin out of him. "Ok. But just be careful – men like Carter and his son are in a league of their own."

As was my father, I thought, and I handled him.

*

Brad parked before I could meander further into gloomy thoughts. "I think you'll like this place," he said as we walked towards the lounge. He was right – it was a lovely space with the interior done in light wood and hundreds of tiny lights sparkling from the dark wood beamed ceiling. The dining area was all booths and there was a small sized dance floor tucked to the side of a live band that was playing something upbeat and jazzy. I discarded any remnants of gloom and decided to have a good time.

"This is an awesome place Brad… how did you find it?" I thought that I must remember to ask him for directions to it later. I could bring Chris here the next time she was visiting me.

"Well, actually Mary recommended it to me."

Ok. This was not good. If Brad was conferring with Mary on what type of restaurants I liked, then he and I were probably not on the same page regarding where our relationship stood. Not to mention that Mary was probably already picking out the wedding china.

Brad was looking very intently at me and I had to quell my nervous swallow. The muted lighting and sensuous jazz that had moments ago made me feel wonderful now seemed like a set up for a horrible scene. I'd really come to like Brad since the year that I'd known him but was I willing to take it anything beyond the comfortable friendship we shared? The thought made me vaguely queasy.

"Uhh… Brad, look…"

I stopped when his expression abruptly changed and he shook with the force of his guffaws. "God, you should've seen your expression… relax. Mary didn't tell me to take you here or recommend it specifically for you, I'd run into her at a function where they had catered the food from this place and when I was telling her how much I'd enjoyed the dinner, she told me to check out the restaurant itself." His expression turned serious again. "She worries about you, you know…"

I tried to keep it light. "Yeah, well … that's Mary for you…" Then I met his eyes and knew that my effort was valiant but wasted.

"No Jules … it's just not her. Even I…" he paused to gauge my reaction and then plunged on, "even I think you're turning into too much of a loner."

"Hey, I'm not a loner – I have plenty of company…"

"Like who?"

"There is Mary and Chris and…"

"Me. We're the only people you hang out with. For goodness sakes, you're in school and you don't even care to see other students…"

I don't know what effect he was shooting for but that royally peeved me. And my peevishness must have short circuited my brain because I retorted, "You're forgetting Hunter… and he well qualifies in the 'student' category you're so concerned about!"

His lips had thinned and his eyes held the gleam of disapproval when he answered. "I don't think much of your 'hanging out' with that guy…"

"I don't need a father Bradley. I had one and I didn't like him much. Right now, I don't like you either but thankfully I don't have to take your shit." I threw down my napkin and made it to the door before realizing that he'd been driving and the chance of finding a cab half an hour out of New Haven was the same as winning a lottery.

Chapter 16

I had the twisted fortune of coming across a couple alighting from their cab and a pithy enquiry later I was slamming the door with my pent up frustration at having a much-anticipated evening of fun turn so sour. As we pulled away from the restaurant I thought I heard someone call out my name but I didn't bother even looking back. Five minutes into the ride my cellphone rang – it was Brad. I disconnected and turned off my phone. As it was, his disapproval and ability to make me feel stupid and inept had reopened a wound which after all this time, still had the ability to instill pain in the deepest part of me.

"I want you to attend the board dinner tonight," my father's voice had startled me at my desk where I had been writing my college applications. I had still to believe what he'd just said when he walked out as suddenly as he had entered and said from the hallway, "And for the love of God, try for once to at least appear feminine." Years of trying to become the son he never had proved lethal to my feminity and lately he couldn't get enough of reminding me about it.

But that day, even his barbs lacked their usual sting. He was going to introduce me to his board as his heir! I didn't even care about having to wear a dress - which I usually loathed and rebelled against and asked Mary to help me pick out something appropriate. She had tried to look happy for me but even then I had known her smile wasn't quite reaching her eyes. I wondered if she and my father had fought again and I wished for the umpteenth time that I could make that sadness disappear from her eyes. I wanted to whisk her away from that house and from my father but I was just a teenager with no money and therefore no power. I had gritted my teeth. A little more time … I needed to have enough money to support her while I went to college and then perhaps I could convince her to get away from him.

I gave her a fierce smile and hugged her, convinced that I'd find a way to take care of her. It wasn't that I had found Mary weak- I just thought her too… sweet and gentle to be able to deal with a man like my father. For better or worse, I shared more than my father's genes – I shared his drive, his stubbornness, his hardness.

I had squashed my misgivings that day though. If my father was prepared to hold out the olive branch, I would not turn him away. Perhaps things would improve with Mary and him as well. I tried to keep my thoughts optimistic and a smile pasted on my face as I followed them into the limo. My prom hadn't left me half as excited as that limo ride did and for once my confidence gave me the elegance of a pre-destined homecoming queen. It was going to be my night.

Dinner was the usual long drawn affair but not even being seated next to John Trevell, my father's most ardent brown noser, could spoil my mood. He had good credentials – Wharton and two years of investment banking experience before he joined my father's private equity firm but his astronomical rise had something else behind it. He acted the 'good ol' boy' too well and there was something about him that made me distinctly uneasy. I made a silent note to myself that once I was in the firm I would be keeping a close eye on him as we turned our attention to my father who had risen to give his speech.

As the president and majority holder of the company my father had the effect of silencing the forty odd couples by simply standing up. Having made his money on the market, he had set up the fund and now preferred to let others do most of the work but having the final say. Outside investments were never allowed to top his capital and so essentially in that glittering rooftop restaurant he was king of all he purveyed.

"Trusted board members, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the twelfth annual dinner of Strand Equity." He began by giving the highlights of the year's portfolio performance and even though I had a vague sense of what he was saying, his actual words had drowned in my anticipatory excitement.

"My competitors have told me that I am essentially a gambling man. But if anything, I feel that my risk taking is driven by the potential of the opportunity. We were one of the first to take a chance on IT investments," he paused for a few 'hear hears,' "and computer technology and it has paid off immensely. But taking a risk on companies is taking a risk on its people and tonight I intend to announce my new associate director and understudy to whom I intend to transfer half my shares at the end of the next fiscal year."

The next fiscal year! That soon?! How about college…? Wait, no, college could wait – this, my destiny, could not.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in offering my heartiest congratulations to John Trevell!"

I did not allow myself any reaction nor did I leave the table. If nothing else, I was not about to give him the satisfaction of crying as he crushed every dream I'd had brutally under his feet. I sat woodenly through the rest of the dinner and observed his joviality, letting only Mary's worried glances tell me that beneath that beaming face, he was less than happy with my lack of participation.

By the end of dinner I had decided to confront him once and for all when we got back. And if he gave me shit about what a woman could or could not do, I had sworn that that would be the last night I'd spend under his roof. I had almost fifteen grand of my own money from playing the market and although I was a minor, I had entrusted Mary and not my father to be the co-signee on my account. If nothing else, I knew she would not let me down.

The driver firmly closed the door behind us and I took a deep breath to allow myself to sound detached and rational as I waited for the partition to separate us from him. I wished Mary too could be spared this unpleasant scene, but it was better if she knew. At least then she would not try as hard to keep me in the house when I announced my intention to leave.

"Why were you being so rude to John? He wasn't blind to your antipathy you know!" My father's accuse hit me out of left field and for a moment left me breathless with anger.

"And why didn't you give him your number when he asked? Don't think I didn't notice…"

"Because I'm not interested in him Dad. Please! That guy's what? Twenty six? Don't you think it's weird that he's trying to hit on your teenage daughter?!!" my voice rose with my indignation.

"Weird?! It is weird alright Julia that a man as successful as John would look twice in your direction! You couldn't have been more dull or boring if you tried. And not like you have a line of boys outside your door… Anyway, he's coming to dinner tomorrow and I want you to at least make some decent conversation with him." Just when I thought my dear father could not hurt me anymore, he found a way.

"Jay-zus." His inner city accent slipped and he looked madder than ever at me for having caused it. "At least don't let the guy lose interest in you until you're married."

"You want me to marry him?" my voice sounded as dead as I felt.

He almost snorted. "Why do you think I offered him only half the shares? He's a smart boy and under me I know he'll pick up the tricks of the trade soon enough. And he's ambitious – having his own PE fund before he's thirty? He'd even marry you for that!"

The feeling of overwhelming betrayal and deep weariness that had overcome me washed up again as did the burning desire to get out of the confines of the car. With a start I recognized the familiar buildings of down town New Haven and brought myself back to the present.

"Uh – just drop me off right here." I pointed to a lounge I vaguely recognized and after paying the driver, I just stood in the cool darkness and let it and the promise of alcohol take away my bitterness and heartache.

*

Maybe I should have stood outside longer because even though I was on my third Jack on the rocks, the ghosts of the past insisted on whispering through the alcohol induced haze. Somehow even the whiskey was not warming the coldness I felt within and I sat at the bar with my jacket still on and off to the side to avoid being approached by anyone – like that was even a remote possibility.

"Hi! You're Chris's friend Julie aren't you?" I damned fate its sarcastic sense of humor and turned around. I must have looked as blank as my mental ID scanner whirred uselessly because he spoke again, sounding irritatingly chipper, "We'd met at this bar remember? Richter's? It was at the beginning of the semester…" Vaguely, I recalled the night when I had met this guy with Chris at Richter's … Mike Something-or-the-other. I remembered him hitting on Chris and mostly ignoring me.

"Oh, yeah…" I replied, hoping to sound disinterested enough to make him go away. The last thing I wanted to do that evening was deal with another of Chris's fans.

He sat on the bar stool beside me. "So, could I buy you a drink?"

"Uh… no, thanks. I'm almost done here." God, couldn't I even get drunk in peace?!

He gestured to the bartender. "One more of the same for me please," and then turning to me, "Well, I guess I just have to join you then…"

We were silent as the bartender placed his drink in front of him and he took a swallow. And made a face. "You're having Jack? Try Oban sometime … good malt … very smooth – it comes from this little known region in Wales." I itched to tell him that I kept my Scotch for appreciation and not guzzling to get drunk but that would only prolong our conversation. So I gave him a tight smile instead and having added that pearl of wisdom to my impoverished mind, he moved on to the real reason why he was there.

"So – uh, I guess school has been keeping you busy huh?" When I didn't reply he continued, "Well my friends and I are going to this New Year's bash in the city at the Bungalow…" since my gasp of recognition was not forthcoming he reminded me while keeping his smile still firmly in place, "The Bungalow … as in Bungalow 8..." If my non-committal grunt had in any way derailed his ego trip, he definitely didn't show it as he pushed on, "I can get VIP passes so if you and Chris are interested; you just let me know. Actually," he went on, all smiles and helpfulness, "why don't you just give me Chris's number? I can drop off the passes with her in the city tomorrow or something. So, what do you say?"

"I need to use the restroom." Someone near us chuckled deeply. I was deciding on my way to the restroom whether I should apologize when I got back? I suppose I could blame old Jack for my ill-timed comment but honestly, I just could not have borne that insufferable guy a moment longer. I came out of the restroom wondering if I could sneak past the elevated bar area and beat a hasty exit. The prospect of not speaking to that puffed up cretin again was too sweet a relief to deny. I changed direction towards the entrance of the lounge but was still within earshot of where Mike sat at the bar when a hand fell on my shoulder and almost made me squeak. Shit! He'd seen me. Maybe I could pretend to throw up … yeah, that should work.

Before I could turn around and dry heave to scare him, a distinctly un-Mike voice spoke close to my ear. "Abandoning the battlefield cher? And without giving your opponent a chance to retaliate?"

Oh for the love of God, could this day get any worse? "Hunter, not now… I'm uh – not feeling well. I really need some fresh air."

He laughed but didn't leave. "Yeah, that idiot's blustering did turn the atmosphere a bit stale…anyway, I wanted to ask you…" Before he could continue a high whiny voice from the bar interrupted us.

"Jeez Mike – did you have to invite that man hater along? I mean you'll end up with the blonde bombshell but what about me?"

Mike's nasal laughter grated on my nerves. "Relax man, I just need to get Chris's number from her. Hey, you're my wingman and you know old Mike doesn't leave his guys to be chewed out by Amazonian bitches…I'll handle her, don't you worry…"

I clenched my fists till my nails bit into my palms. I should let it go…I should let it go…I stopped my chant midway when I realized that Hunter had turned around and taken a step in their direction. I turned after him and squeezed his shoulder. "I fight my own battles," I said and in a couple of purposeful strides reached Mike and his minion. I gave a vicious smile and cut off their stammering. "I was just about to leave but I thought it would be rude to do so without saying good bye and clearing some things up. First, my name is Julia, not Julie. Second, Oban is in Scotland, not Wales and third, Amazonian bitches are very discretionary about who they chew out – they like their men to have substance …so really, you have nothing to fear. Good-fuckin'-bye." I strode out feeling every inch the Amazonian they named me and getting a high from that far beyond the one I'd gotten from spending my money at the bar.

Chapter 17

"I said I'm sorry… how many times do I have to repeat that?"

I was standing in my kitchen making coffee the next morning for a very grumpy looking Chris who had banged on my door at four in the morning wanting to know if I was alright. Apparently, she had gotten stuck in a meeting and had tried calling me repeatedly and hadn't gotten an answer. When she tried Brad (I'd told her that he was going to drop me at her place) he told her that we had a fight and I had left the restaurant alone. Somehow that had translated to my having either thrown myself off a bridge or something because she had rushed from the city to try my apartment, ready to call the police and dismantle New Haven if she didn't find me there. Fortunately, she did and NH was still standing and that left me apologizing for getting her worked up as I tried to mollify her with coffee.

"So what are you getting Mary for Christmas?" I tried to divert her with her favorite topic – shopping.

She eyed me balefully as though she saw beneath my innocent façade but condescended to answer, "Oh this silk duvet with Indian gold embroidery. I saw it in the Bombay store a few weeks back and I knew it would be perfect for her. What are you giving her?"

I savored the blueberry-ness of the muffin before I replied, "I'm thinking of a Hermes scarf…"

"Didn't you give her one last year?"

"Hmm… did I? I thought that was two years back…"

"Oh Jules…"

"Hey – don't you 'Oh Jules' me here. I ask her every time what she'd like and she never even drops a hint. And she knows how horrible I am at this gift giving business…"

She got that look in her eye that I'd come to recognize and dread. "No Chris, don't even say it…"

"Nope. It has to be done. We have to go shopping."

The S word. Ughh. "Nuh-uh. You're not dragging me anywhere. I'll figure out something else."

"Right…like you will find her something by yourself…"

"Hey now…"

Chris sighed. "Ok, here's the deal. I'll go pick out something for Mary…" I almost hugged her for joy and then I remembered, "But you've always refused to do that … so why the change of heart?"

She gave me a mock glare. "I was coming to that. I'll pick out something for Mary and in return you can find me something for Hunter."

"No. No way. I don't know what college kids like… at least with Mary I have some failsafe options."

Chris held up her hand. "First your failsafe options suck. A scarf for heaven sakes? Jules have you ever seen her wear one?" Well, come to think of it … but she had always thanked me so profusely. Chris again cut short my ruminations. "Plus, it'll be easier to shop for Hunter than you think. Of everyone I know, you're the one closest to having college guy tastes… c'mon you don't think I know about your video games collection?" Ok, so she had me there. But that still didn't mean …

Suddenly I remembered an ad I had seen in the Times the other morning. Of course! I gave my best imitation of a defeated sigh. "Oh all right… I'll ask amongst the students in the class I was TA-ing…" I hoped she didn't catch the sly gleam in my eyes. "But you will still owe me…"

She rolled her eyes. "Alright – three days next month…"

"Hah." I loved the old haggle. "Six days over the next two months."

"I've asked you to shop not give me your right hand! Four days next month."

I thought about it a bit. "Four days over the next two months – any weekend of my choice and you pay for gas. Remember, it's only three more days to Christmas."

"Jules, I'd be afraid to meet you in a boardroom. Fine. But I had better see the guy ecstatic with whatever you get – no polite thank you's."

"You can be sure of it." I rubbed my hands in glee at the thought of having Chris's sporty little car at my disposal for four days or two weekends over the next two months. Damn good deal. Now I only had to go secure the prize to seal my part of the bargain.

"Alright then … are you ready? I can drop you at Mary's before I head to the city. I have to drop in the office but I'll come by later."

"Sounds good."

*

When I met her in the foyer that evening she handed me a bulky wrapped box. "Go hide it before Mary sees it."

"I'll give you yours – Hunter's later. You aren't going there till after Christmas right?" I couldn't resist yanking her chain.

"Jules…" Chris's exasperation was cut short by Mary's voice.

"Relax," I told her as I rushed up to my room, "I have it with me – I'll give it to you after dinner tonight."

"Give whom what after dinner?" I was glad that I was halfway up the stairs and that it was dark so Mary couldn't see the package in my hand.

"Oh – uh – I'm helping Chris with a present for her step brother…"

"Then why are the two of you going on like its some big secret? Unless you're getting him a year's subscription of Playboy?" Mary's voice was amused. "Bring it down with you Jules – I'm curious about what kids these days want for Christmas." I shook my head at her pronouncement – one might think she was eighty instead of forty by the way she spoke at times.

"Ta-da!" I announced a few minutes later as I tossed a sealed packet at Chris and perched on the armrest of the chair Mary was sitting on. "Sorry I didn't think to get it wrapped – but you have that all under control, right?" Chris was intently turning the box in her hands and didn't answer.

"So what is it?" Mary asked.

"It's a videogame!" Chris sounded more upset than delighted.

"Chris – what generation are you living in? This isn't Nintendo, it's a playstation dvd and is the hottest new thing on the gaming circuit."

"It's a videogame…" she sounded lost and turned to Mary, "how am I supposed to give my step brother whom I'm going to see after two years a videogame for Christmas?!"

"Well Chris, he will probably like this better than something like cufflinks – even if they are from Tiffany…" Mary spoke with a straight face but her eyes showed suppressed laughter.

I didn't have any compunction about laughing so I did. "Relax kiddo – he will love it. Trust me – I'll even bet you on it."

Chris looked a bit mollified. After all she knew I took my betting odds very seriously. "Alright, if you say so – but I'm warning you Jules if this backfires and he thinks that I'm treating him like a kid or something…" I drowned out the rest of dire warnings because I was wondering if I'd ever have the chance to play him one on one with the x-box version of Hunters. I chased away those thoughts and tried to focus on what Mary was saying to soothe Chris – the guy would play it with his friends (I really couldn't picture Melissa indulging in something so 'juvenile'), a dorky TA who lived in his building would hardly count high on his list of company. Even if she was the best damn player of Hunters on the web…

Chapter 18

"So when can I get the keys?" I was fairly gloating but couldn't stop myself.

"You know you totally skinned me alive on this deal, don'tcha?" the cell phone made Chris's whine even more apparent.

Man, these bankers I tell you…

"Chris, we had a deal – and even with your impossibly high, he-must-love-it standards, I got you a perfect gift for Hunter. So I get the car … umm lets see – my first weekend could be next week…"

"Weekend? Who said anything about a weekend?"

"Uh-huh … you said any four days – which is two weekends and I'm gonna take the first one a month from now when I've settled into the semester and my new classes."

Someone knocked on my door. Oh great! It was probably the UPS guy – the game I'd ordered for myself was finally there. I simply loved Saturdays like the one I was having – restful, quiet and lots of good stuff coming my way.

"Hey – hold on a sec … someone's at the door."

"I have to get back to work anyway – I'll talk to you later."

"Tell me how it went though…" I ignored the knocking and let my voice go a little serious. I really wanted Chris and Hunter to bond and all but I didn't want her getting hurt in the process. All of us have hairline cracks which if pushed too hard on could break our very hearts in two and Chris's, I believed, was her estranged family.

"It was alright… Hunter was great though. But Beth… Beth was not exactly there to welcome me with open arms…"

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry…" and I was. Even though I'd never met Chris's stepmother, her attitude made my blood boil.

"Listen – I don't want to talk about this right now but do you want to come over to the city tonight? We could hang and you could tell me all about the potential you had to evade at this year's Christmas party…"

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "One would think Mary would give up… cool, I'll see you later. I'll just take the Metro North in … say around nine-ish?"

"Sounds great… I'm dying to go clubbing."

I wanted to tell her that I wasn't really up for clubbing that evening but the pounding on the door was getting more impatient and worried that the delivery guy might just leave, I just agreed and hung up.

"What are you doing here?" I guess that was horribly rude of me but really, where Hunter was concerned I had no scruples about being rude or any incentive to appear otherwise.

As he responded by inviting himself in I guessed that he didn't much care either.

"And a happy new year to you too Cher."

I closed the door behind him and wondered how soon I'd be able to kick him out again. Really, I must have lost my mind when I thought I'd want to play him one on one in Hunters… I mean I just had to see the guy to lose …

He pulled out the dvds from his jacket pocket and I lost my train of thought.

"I suppose I owe you a thank you…"

Maybe if I played dumb…? "What for?"

He tapped the Hunters dvd. "Chris told me a friend had helped her with the Christmas shopping…"

I guess I'd just brazen it out then. "No problem. And Chris is already paying me back for the favor so yeah – don't worry about it."

"Who said I was worried cher? But I did think you might find a one to one match almost as interesting as I would."

I leaned against the counter and put on my best cool-under-pressure boardroom voice.

"And why is that?"

"Oh because you seemed so interested in the game when we were talking the other night…" I let myself relax – he hadn't guessed after all. "Or maybe because you've been stealing my strategies to beat me the past few weeks."

"Hey now – first there was no 'stealing' it was willful disclosure on your part. Second you simply assumed that I knew nothing of the game so that was more self deception than anything else and third, anything is fair in love, war and Hunters."

He grinned and I couldn't help but return it. Considering that I had been cheating to win, he was being quite a good sport about it all.

"I had meant to confront you the other night before the holidays when I'd run into you while you'd been giving some whiny ass a boot up his ass but," he shrugged his shoulders cheerfully, "I got too caught up in the moment. So how about an honest contest cher?"

"Well…" I did have a ton to do before I head out to the city that night.

"Unless you don't think you can take me on without getting a handicap…"

"You're on buddy." The pull of meeting his challenge and satisfying my curiosity was simply too much for me.

He loaded the dvd into my playstation.

"This version has a special short play version which pits players against each other on single operations…"

I looked up from where I was untangling the cables. "Best two out of three?"

"Totally."

*

"So how did you figure it out?" I asked some time later as we settled for our second tie of the evening. The best of three had somehow become a best of five and then a best of seven… I wondered that either of us had been able to beat the other for any length of time in the online version.

"It wasn't too difficult," he replied as he jerked to the side in the effort to avoid the descending blade the leader of my pack had swung on his. "Chris showing up with this for Christmas clicked it into place but I'd begun suspecting something was up when each of my moves against you in the last couple of weeks fell flat." He smiled up at me. "The clincher was of course that you actually initiated conversation with me to get me to talk about my strategies … usually you can't wait for me to shut up and get lost."

His smile suddenly evaporated. "Fuck!" "Yes!" I said simultaneously as one quick decapitation later I had won three games and therefore our little contest. I did a little victory dance not only out of the exhilaration of the win but also because I had never played one on one with anyone that good before and even though the victory had been a slim one, it had been a well fought one.

"Well played," he said as he offered me his hand. I took it and pulled him up and began disconnecting the wires as he stretched.

"So what do I get you for the winner's spoils?"

I was about to decline and smilingly shake him off when my stomach rumbled.

"Dinner it is then. So tell me cher, which cuisine in our fine city do you fancy?"

"Taking ex-TA's for dinner Mr. Evans? Why no big plans for a Saturday evening?" I said from where I was half bent inside the refrigerator as I pulled out a Bud and offered him one which he declined.

"That is my big plan."

I shook the can at him for his annoying thick headedness. "Dude, I may be too old for you but still somehow I don't think your girl friend will appreciate this gesture…"

"Nope. Not a problem as I don't have a girl friend any more."

That snapped my attention right back onto him. "What?"

"Yeah well – Melissa and I broke up."

I might have responded with any number of inane platitudes at that moment but really, I'd been (sometimes too) honest with the guy till that point and I didn't want to spoil that. So in a show of my incomparable vernacular I responded with the all encompassing 'Oh!'

His lips twitched in an almost-smile. I was glad that he wasn't heart broken because other than not really knowing how to deal with college aged broken hearts that might have spurred me to make some sort of comment on Melissa and the fact that I'd thought she was a user of sorts, which would've been bad all around.

"Guess that doesn't warrant much of a comment, huh?"

Well if he was asking for it… "Look buddy, if I were your sister I'd tell you…Oh Shit!"

"So you think it was that bad of a mistake to break up?" He followed me to he couch where I was frantically hunting for my cell phone.

"Mistake? What? No." I tossed a few cushions around before I straightened up and surveyed the mess with a critical eye for blinking cell phones. "She was neurotic, not to mention a little overzealously competitive and somehow I don't think fidelity was her strong suit. I had actually sort of wondered why… aha! There it is!" I pounced on the errant cell phone and speed dialed Chris's number and when I got her voice mail, left her a message saying I got caught up with work and would be a little late getting in.

"Plans. With Chris. Tonight." I said in way of explanation as I wondered if I should dress to go out. Really, I wanted nothing better but to hang out in my old jeans with takeout Chinese and wine in her apartment but since I'd agreed to go out earlier…

"I got that part Julia." His voice was quieter and stiffer than it had been a moment ago and called my attention back. "Why did you lie about what you were up to?"

"Huh? What else was I supposed to do? Tell her that I've been hanging out with her brother who I claim to have never met? Perhaps drag out the whole story about you taking me – and her – for a ride while I'm about it?"

"Wait – you mean you still haven't told her…"

Whatever he had to say got cut short when someone knocked on my door. As I ran through the possibilities of people who would land up at my place unannounced I realized that I didn't want them to find Hunter at my place. Jesus, since when did I need to keep things from Mary or Chris?

I was shaking my head as I opened the door to two cops.

"Good evening Ma'am." Both the officers looked somewhat nondescript – one was just past middle age while the other seemed to be approaching it. But their eyes were keen and sharp as they took in my apartment and Hunter appearing behind me.

"Sorry to disturb you but there was a DV reported in the building. Did you happen to hear anything – raised voices, crash of furniture?"

"No, I'm sorry but no."

"Although we did have the TV on a bit loud," Hunter said from behind me.

"Do you live here too sir?"

"I don't live in this apartment, no but I do live in the building."

The younger of the two took a small step forward. It wasn't much but it was almost as telling as if he had exchanged a look with his partner.

"Did you folks go out at all this evening?"

I said no and when they did exchange a glance I couldn't help but ask, "What is this all about officers?"

He didn't answer but his partner turned to Hunter. "Sir could you tell me your apartment number?"

"4F. Why officer?" Hunter echoed my question as he came to stand beside me.

Still not answering our questions, the younger one turned to me. "Ma'am would you please confirm the time you have spent together this evening?"

I was getting seriously perturbed but I didn't see any good reason not to answer his question. "The two of us have been in my apartment since about five this evening – could you tell us what has been going on?"

The older one spoke now. "Well ma'am the report of the DV reported a disturbance in apartment 4F." He turned to Hunter again. "Could you tell us sir if you have any room mates?"

"No. I live alone."

"Would you mind if we go and check in your apartment? We had knocked naturally and now it makes sense that nobody answered. It appears to be a false alarm but we'd appreciate your co-operation."

Within minutes we had all trooped to his apartment. I didn't know what I was expecting but the carefully appointed furniture and bland décor reminded me more of a hotel room than someone's home. There were even some generic prints up on the walls that made the room somehow seem even more impersonal.

The cops took a quick but thorough look around and after apologizing for the inconvenience and thanking us for our co-operation, left.

I went and perched myself on the edge of one overstuffed armchair. "I wonder what that was all about…?"

He didn't answer me but moved towards the closet next to the kitchen.

"We should get dinner." His voice sounded tight and not a little tense which was hardly a surprise given that someone had sicced the cops on him for DV.

I expected him to show up with a jacket but when I heard pots and pans clanging I followed him there.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting dinner." He hadn't bothered with an apron or anything but was busy whisking something in a bowl without making a single drop spill or fly out. His voice was back to sounding mildly amused as it almost always did around me. I wondered suddenly what I appeared like to him.

"How does fresh quiche sound cher?"

"Impressive. You mean you're gonna make one from scratch?"

I must've sounded as incredulous as I felt because he laughed. "You know they have to do that in restaurants as well…"

"Yeah but they like get paid to do that…"

He pulled out an honest to God dough mixer. I wouldn't even know how to put one together let alone use it.

"Well I can give them a run for their money because I have a better reason than a paycheck."

"And that is…?"

"I enjoy it."

I was one of those people who never entered a kitchen of my own volition and some of my horror must've shown on my face because his eyes laughed at me again even though he barely smiled.

"Ever been tempted by the power of creation that lies in converting the unappetizing into something irresistible?"

I snorted my opinion. "What you're describing is 'The Swan' or something…"

He grinned. "Close enough… I've never met anyone who liked broccoli or could resist my mother's broccoli quiche."

"Is that what we're having?"

"Yup. But I'm a bit surprised… Chris had mentioned the number of times she went for Thanksgiving or Christmas to your place and that your mother happened to be great cook."

"Yeah well…" I shrugged from where I stood in the doorway. "Never got into it I guess." Because my father wanted me to learn I added mentally.

"Let it out cher," he paused in lining the pan for the crust, "too many secrets are bad for the appetite."

"Then you must be spending most of your time cooking for others…"

"Touché." He poured the eggy mix into the crust and put everything to bake before turning to me again. "So how about this – we could both unload a few secrets to enjoy the true greatness of this quiche."

"Secrets are costly Mr. Evans," I said only half teasingly as he tossed me a can of coke.

"The quiche will be well worth it…"

"Fine. You can start then."

"I'd have told you I was OriginalOne but you already know that. So let's see … I visit my mother every weekend…" I opened my mouth to tell him I knew that already but he cut me off with a grin. "But you knew that too…Cher it appears you know all my secrets."

I hoisted myself on top of the counterpane. "I very much doubt that."

He sipped thoughtfully from his can. "No really. Very few people know that I am a huge fan of online gaming or that I spend every weekend with my mother or that I love cooking. And almost nobody knows all three of me." He smiled wanly. "Hey – even the nerd herds have standards about who they let hang out with them and I'd like not to be considered a complete loser."

I thought about that for a minute. "Do you care about that? Being considered a loser or not? Because I can tell you buddy – hanging out playing videogames with your TA isn't getting you off any loser lists…"

He passed a hand over his face and for a second looked so tired that it almost made me give him a hug. Almost. "Nah – I couldn't give a shit about what anyone else thought if I felt more … more in control of my life I guess."

I hopped down and lightly clanked our soda cans. "Amen to that. We could all use a little more control in our lives."

Since I've made an art of evading people's nosy questions I'm not given to pry into others business myself but somehow standing in his kitchen, smelling the completely delicious aroma of baking quiche, I slipped out of my own rules.

"So what would you like to be in control of?"

His flip reply, "For now the baking time of this quiche" did not surprise me but the disappointment that accompanied, did. A few hours of hanging out didn't make us confidante par excellence after all. Besides, I was crappy with the whole touchy feely thing so really, why bother?

"I'd like to … deal better with stuff I guess. And be less weak…"

My brain kept telling my mouth to zip up but the words came out of their own volition. "Weak? I don't even know you that well but from what I do know I can tell you that you're definitely not weak."

"Just goes to show that knowing one's secrets does not mean you know the person. You see Julia – all this while, playing Hunters and now standing around making dinner and conversation is a complete sham. I'm here because I simply could not deal with shit."

Okay. This was way out of my league in my meager counseling skills department but ducking and running wasn't an option. As it was, I didn't have to say anything.

"Beth… ah – my mother has borderline personality disorder and recently she's also been dealing with episodes of severe depression. She swings from elation to wild rage to stone cold silence in the matter of hours and has to be… medicated. Drugged into sleep as a matter of fact. And yeah – I was there today when they … I had to leave. Didn't – couldn't cope…"

I took a swig of coke. "Wish I could help you out – but let me tell you that having beyond human coping mechanisms isn't that great either. So here's my great truth for you –" one part of my brain – the one still functional tipped my hand back in an attempt to drown my words in my throat but the other part was stronger still. "I have been told that I'm a phenomenal crisis manager – that nothing seems to perturb me but people get pretty worried when I tell them that my calm is not a mask but real. You see, I am pretty much numb to most things … I've been tested twice for autism and yeah, even sociopathy once when I cared more about my math homework than the dead class pet in fifth grade."

I looked up from where I had been shredding a napkin to tiny pieces on the kitchen counter. "What you did was an act of self preservation. There was nothing you could have done about it so there is little point in beating yourself up. Your staying wouldn't have really helped her and would've probably hurt you in the process…"

My cell phone cut short my therapy session. It was Chris calling to confirm the time of my train and a quick glance at the clock told me I'd better haul ass quick to the station if I hoped to make the 10pm.

"I gotta go. But yeah, those were my two cents kiddo." I started towards the door. "But hey, this is just your neighborhood psycho talking so maybe you don't want to give my blabbings too much credit."

I had almost reached the door when he stopped me with a hand on my arm. "Can't let you leave hungry cher." And he pressed a foil wrapped plate of quiche in my hands.

"Thanks." It's funny that I felt awkward accepting dinner from him but not when I'd been pouring out some of the most personal details of my life.

"Uh-uh … you owe me one more secret…"

"Huh?"

"Two secrets, remember? For a better appetite?"

I smiled and tried to brush past him but he went and stood in front of the door.

"Out with it cher… I can assure you the quiche will be worth it."

Never, ever in my life had I encountered someone who heard my story with such equanimity. Granted, I had chosen to share it with very few but still … even Chris had had a worse reaction.

"Fine. But open the door first – I'll tell you once I'm in the hallway."

"Don't think I can't pull you back in."

"Hah. Just you try … but I'm running late as is so I'll humor you."

When I was safely in the hallway and extracted a promise that no matter how lame he thought the secret, he'd have to let me go, I bent my head and said softly, "Your carrot cake absolutely blew Claire's out of the water." And marched to the elevator smiling in response to his laughter that followed me there.

Chapter 19

"So how was the big date last night?" I guess I sounded a bit crabby the next morning but Chris had invited that and worse. When I was on the Metro North she'd called me to say that this cutie she'd been seeing on and off had called to invite her for a drink and would I mind horribly if she were a bit late? Her doorman knew me and I had a spare key so it wasn't too bad and in the past I wouldn't have thought about it twice. But then in the past I had never really foregone someone else's company to be there and a niggling thought had begun in my mind wondering if I wasn't been taken a bit too much for granted. If I were dating someone, that little voice said, would Chris still leave me hanging while she went out on a date?

I took a deep breath hoping the oxygen would kick start the rational part of my mind. It wasn't like Chris or Mary expected me to drop everything at the crook of their fingers and my lack of a personal life wasn't their fault either. Hell, they'd both tried everything short of handcuffing me to a guy to get me together with someone but it was always me who never wanted to. Really, Hunter couldn't have picked anybody worse to seek advice from.

Then Chris gave a loopy grin as she reached for the coffee maker.

"It was … lovely." And then she sighed.

I shoved aside all my stupid baggage. This was serious. Chris never sighed over men – that part was safely relegated to them.

"He was amusing and sophisticated but not snobbish… great style of dressing and oh, he could talk about almost anything…and then he asked me to dance right there in the jazz club and he slow danced with me…"

"Wow." I gave a tentative smile. "You sure he was straight?"

She gave me a more normal version of her smile then. "Oh yeah… he just had that old style charm that one doesn't see anymore. And although I doubt you remember, you've met him…"

Old style charm huh? Maybe I was cynical but that sounded a bit too much like her dear old dad for comfort. Or maybe I mistrusted all her dates on instinct. After all, I did have the well deserved reputation of being a friendasaurus to uphold.

"When did I meet him?"

"Oh last fall…" she said absently as she poured herself another cup of coffee. I tried to rack my mind to think back to the people Chris or Mary had introduced me to – I hadn't been dragged to that many places last fall because I had hidden behind the excuse of getting reacclimatized to school so I should be able to remember…

"… at Richter's? Don't you remember? When you'd spotted that cute guy whom you'd been obsessing over? By the way, what ever happened about that?"

"Uh…nothing." Embarrassed color washed over me as I recalled that I'd almost hit on my best friend's baby brother. Glad that her back was turned to me and anxious to get off the topic before she sniffed something amiss, I tried to get her back on track.

"Wait… is he one of those" assholes "guys we'd met that evening at Richter's when you'd been helping me move in?"

"Yeah … his name is Mike. He's on the tall side, wheatish blonde hair…"

I'd already spaced out. There'd just been so many stories to keep straight that I had completely forgotten to tell her about my encounter with Mike…shit, since when had I needed to think twice about what I could and could not tell Chris? I checked my mental baggage for the moment. "Ahh… listen Chris about Mike…"

"Yeah…?" Her cell rang. "Just a sec…"

I opened the refrigerator to look for the non pulpy OJ she kept for me.

"Hey Mike!"

I whirled around at her greeting and forgetting all about the juice, set myself to seriously eavesdrop on the conversation. Of course I should've known that eavesdroppers never hear anything good and all that because Chris was agreeing to something he was saying and peppering it with comments like, 'That sounds perfect!' She ended with a lot more goo goo noises that I usually hear her make and gave a perfectly radiant smile to me.

"That was Mike… he is really such an awesome guy. Last night I happened to mention that I have a younger brother whose birthday is coming up… Hunter's birthday is in February…" she added as an explanation. "Anyway, I had expected him to suggest some gift or something but he gave this totally great idea for a party and he's already pulled some strings at Fahrenheit – you remember the club we went to for your birthday last year?" As if I could forget… "Yeah … it's like, totally impossible to get reservations for a party at but Mike's pulled a miracle and they will keep a private room for us on the twentieth … that's two days after his birthday and would work perfectly!"

Okay. So derailing her from the 'Mr. Wonderful Mike' litany would not be easy but that made it all the more necessary.

"Listen Chris… about Mike … I had sort of run into him a few weeks back. Right before Christmas actually and he's just not… he's a real jerkoff and a slimy smooth talker to top that."

Her face fell then scrunched up tight like she had tasted something distasteful. Alright, so perhaps my approach was a bit … blunt but then that guy had been such a major assho…

"Jesus Jules … nobody ever meets your bar! I mean c'mon – not every guy who is charming has an evil Dr. Hyde to him … not every guy is like your –"

"Father? You can say it Chris and yeah, I know that but there are plenty more who are like him or even worse than him."

"Jules…" she sighed and let her hands fall in a weary gesture. "Neither of our dear fathers was an exemplar of male behavior but I'm … tired… of always being suspicious … of always thinking that every guy is out to get me and of constantly playing the 'exploit or be exploited' game."

She was my best friend and I didn't want her hurt but I couldn't stop her from thinking what she may and acting upon it. It was, after all, her life.

"I don't want you to be suspicious or wary of every guy Chris and if you feel this guy is the one for you I'm very happy for you. But if anything ever goes wrong, just promise me you won't sell yourself short and stick with him if things don't work out…"

"Do I ever?" her smile was wan. "Hell, this thing will probably not last till Hunter's birthday but thanks…and Jules? Sorry about bringing up the whole thing about your dad."

I shrugged as there was nothing else to do. I couldn't tell her that it was ok or it was no big deal because those words wouldn't get unstuck from my throat. She came up behind me and I braced myself for being hugged or something but I think she guessed that I wasn't really up for being touched right then because she stepped back and spoke again in an overly cheery voice.

"So … about the party… you will be there of course and I'll ask Brad too … and Mike and me and Hunter of course but I don't really know any of his friends…"

I finally poured myself that long awaited glass of OJ. "So … just tell him to prepare a twenty odd person guest list…"

"It's a surprise! Of course I can't ask him to prepare the guest list… wait, I know – I'll ask his girl friend … what was her name, Marissa?"

"Melissa." I bit my tongue before I added, but they're not going out any more. This whole what I know about Hunter and what others think I know thing had become a real pain… my poor tongue was going to be severely injured thanks to the lies I'd told for the guy.

"Right." She waved her hand in a preoccupied manner.

"But uh… how are you going to get her contact information? I mean, there are so many people by that name…"

She gave me a very impish, charming … a very Chris smile. "Sure there are… but how many would find their way into my brother's cell phone? By the way, I'd really like you to meet him."

I was very proud of keeping a straight face. Who said that I didn't have a poker face?

Chris laughed. "You don't have to look like you sucked a lemon… seriously, he isn't a bad kid." So much for the poker face.

"Guess I'll see him at the party you're planning…"

"Right. I should get down to that… let's see its three weeks from today so if I get hold of Melissa by tomorrow…"

"Uh… how are you going to do that?"

"I am going to drive you into the Haven and meet up with Hunter for lunch… and sometime during then I'll get the number from his phone. Actually, why don't you join us? I mean it'll be better than at a party and you can judge him yourself."

I spluttered into my glass. "No way." I wanted to avoid the whole 'introduction' chapter altogether and crazy horses were not going to be able to drag me into doing that with Chris at close quarters. I could already see the unholy glint in Hunter's eyes when we'd be introduced… this was just the kind of shit that would tickle his sense of humor.

"Fine." Chris's voice sounded tight but for once I did nothing to make things better. I had no good excuse for not wanting to have lunch with her and Hunter and between keeping quiet – even if it made her mad, and spinning more lies – which would worsen my headache trying to keep them straight, I chose the former.

Chapter 20

This was stupid and I totally didn't need to do it. He would probably laugh at me. And it would be totally low if I didn't say anything.

I was standing in the hallway of Hunter's apartment a week after Chris started cooking up the plans for his big birthday bash, clutching a short note and feeling like a fool. Truth was, I had felt sort of obliged to give the guy a heads up that his ex might not only be present at his party but would probably have a hand in organizing it. Problem was I wasn't too sure whether it was worse to spoil a surprise party which his sister was throwing for him or to let him run into his ex unwarned. Any hopes I'd had of Melissa telling Chris that she wasn't dating Hunter anymore were thwarted when Chris had called me that morning and remarked on how helpful Melissa was being. Call me suspicious, wary…whatever… but helpful my ass – that girl was out to make trouble.

So there I was, ready to poke my nose where it clearly did not belong and trying to decide on the weighty issue of whether I should knock on his door when I slipped the note in or simply leave. Ultimately, the decision was taken out of my hands because as I crouched to slip it in, the door opened to reveal a pair of long denim clad legs.

"Cher you never fail to surprise me."

"Uh – hi." I got up with as much dignity as I could muster. "Listen – I just came to tell you…"

"Come on in."

Since I wasn't particularly keen to have his conversation in the hallway I followed. I didn't wanted a conversation in the first place, but still, if there had to be one I'd rather do it in private.

I waited for him to shut the door and then launched straight in. "Listen – it's about your birthday. Chris is planning a party and she's asked Melissa to help her and I wasn't sure you'd like to run into your ex unwarned so… yeah…"

I ran out of steam and the drive of being on a saving mission abandoned me and left me with an acute sense of embarrassment. Jesus, what had I been thinking?

"Thanks cher…and then you wonder why I think of you as my guardian angel…" Although here was humor in his tone it had gone warm with something else which I wasn't sure I wanted to probe further.

"Ah…right. No problems. I'll see ya later kiddo."

He scowled but followed me as I walked out of his apartment. I felt a compulsive need to fill in the silence as we waited for the elevator.

"So what are you going to do?"

"Do? Nothing. But I'd be prepared for some drama. After all, what would life be without a regular dose of it?"

"Peaceful?"

He gave a deep chuckle. "You're something else cher, you know that?"

I got off on my floor feeling good about making him laugh and with a nagging feeling that I tried to consciously do that more than I cared to admit.

However, ten minutes later when he was knocking at my front door, I felt like doing anything but. I had finally settled down for some serious studying as my water, color markers and bag of chocolate chip cookies were testament to and I really didn't want to be disturbed. The weather was lovely and since I had Chris's car I was going to take it up to Mary's that evening and go into the city the next day. And since I hadn't seen her for a while I'd even suck up and go shopping if that's what she wanted to do.

"What?" I asked rather ungraciously when I opened the door but something about his expression stopped me from getting all in his face about disturbing me.

"Julia – I have a huge favor to ask. I need to get to the station – I had called a cab but it's not yet turned up and I'll probably miss my train."

He sounded harassed and stressed in a way I'd never seen him.

"Sure," I found myself saying, "give me a minute to get the keys."

If he noticed that we were driving in Chris's car he didn't say anything and I for once let things be. Explaining why I had his sister's car would be another story I had no interest in divulging.

The same thing that had made me take him to station then made me wait outside. The chances that he'd missed his train were pretty good and I felt the guy could use a hand or in this case the wheels.

"Missed the fucking train…" he offered by way of explanation as he sat beside me again in five minutes. That was the first time I'd heard him swear and somehow it bothered me more than it should. Hell, my own language left much to be desired.

"Sorry," he said as if reading my mind, "I didn't mean to swear out loud."

"No problem – I do worse everyday. So, would you like to head back or is there another train soon?"

"Ah no. No train. Do you suppose…?"

"Heck kid… fine I will. But no complaining about my driving…" I warned him as I pulled onto the I 95 ramp.

"Where are we going?"

"To your place where else? You are heading to whatsitsname – Three Cedars right?"

"Yeah… but Julia I was just going to ask you to drop me at a car rental…"

"You're under twenty five. Last I checked they weren't all that peachy about renting cars to those under that age in Connecticut."

"You'd be surprised how 'peachy' they get with the idea once I'm willing to tip the guy at the counter a couple of hundred bucks."

I pulled into the left lane and stepped on it. "Cool – you can pay me then."

That finally pulled a smile – albeit a half hearted one – from him. "Absolutely. And I'll make you dinner too at my place."

I let the speedometer hover at 90 – what I consider cruising speed and smiled back. "Not that I'd ever turn down a fresh cooked meal but for once I already have that department covered."

"Don't tell me you've suddenly discovered a new religion in Martha Stewart…"

I laughed. "Not hardly. I'm visiting my stepmother tonight. So tell me what's with the rush to get to your place?"

He didn't answer and immediately I regretted my question. I really disliked people who used the guise of helping one to slake their avid curiosity. Trust me, I should know considering the number of 'well wishers' I had to deal with after my father's death.

"Beth's not … doing so good. She feels better – calmer when I'm there..."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to pry." I felt worse about prodding him seeing the sadness and worry returned to his face.

"No cher with you it's not prying."

We were quiet for a bit and I was glad when he broke the silence again and stopped me from mulling too much on what he'd said.

"So your stepmother is a good enough cook for you to pass on my cooking, huh?"

"Oh yeah," I answered in the same light tone, "you are the fallback option when Mary isn't around to feed me."

"How old were you when your dad remarried?"

"Uh – ten. How old were you?"

"Six. It had been frightening at first – the move from the bayou to this cold place where the cold went beyond the climate."

"What do you mean?"

"The people where not what I was used to… and then of course there was getting used to the idea that I wasn't the center of my mother's life anymore. Didn't you find it jarring when your dad remarried?"

"Jarring? You can say that…" Yet another story I wasn't comfortable discussing but I realized that I couldn't leave things unexplained because my words, as they were, implied that Mary had been like Beth or his stepfather.

"But not in a bad way… I guess Mary was the first caretaker I really had. My mother had been an exotic dancer so a toddler had gotten in her way more than anything and my father was – well, to begin with he didn't even know that I existed till I was five and hadn't been too thrilled with the news."

I was surprised at how easily the words had flowed and a bit scared that I'd said more than I'd meant to. Giving voice to the old ghosts might just resurrect them.

"He didn't want kids?"

I shook my head. "No – not that. If I'd been a boy he couldn't have been happier."

"What an idiot!"

"I've heard my father being called a lot of things but that is certainly a first."

"The man wanted kids, was into finance and here he was practically handed one who was a whiz at numbers…" He turned to me with a slightly concerned look, "You were a math whiz right?"

I'd heard that question posed a number of times but never in a tone that implied that the other person wanted me to be one. I rolled my eyes but couldn't help smiling, "Yeah. Total geek."

"Thought so. Anyway, like I was saying – if I wanted kids and was given one who was little trouble and had a potential to be a real whiz in my line of work I'd totally want to be her mentor…"

"So you don't want kids?"

"What makes you say that?"

"You said 'if I wanted kids' and you'd have phrased it differently if you really did…"

"Very perceptive cher. No, I don't."

"Now or…?"

"Ever."

"Smart guy. Anyway, I doubt my father would've agreed with your assessment of my being a no problem child…"

"Like I said cher your father was an idiot… a finance whiz but an idiot in other ways."

We drove in silence for a couple of minutes till I spotted the exit.

"You made great time."

I had completed an hour and a half long drive in just about fifty minutes – that and the fact that it had been a pleasant one did a lot for my chipper mood.

"Yeah but that's because unlike most people who love to pipe in with suggestions on how I should drive you let me just drive…"

"Always ready to help cher." He paused to let the GPS tell me to make a right after the exit. "You know – you are something else…"

"What now?"

He sounded amused at my exasperation. "I meant it as a compliment but yeah – I've never come across any woman who didn't cluck over me and say something like 'time will change your mind' when I said I didn't want kids. Or didn't want to know why…"

"Do you want me to ask you why?"

He gave a short bark of laughter and shook his head. I hadn't said that to make him laugh but I was glad I did because up ahead I could see a private driveway and judging by the number of cedar trees, I would guess that we had arrived at Three Cedars.

I guess he noticed too because his voice was quiet when he asked me to turn into the drive. He nipped out and keyed in a code at the gates and we drove through.

My first impression of the estate was something like Elizabeth's when she'd seen Darcy's Pembroke Manor. Well, actually no, it wasn't. I'd been to too many country houses for it to really make any impression but I did notice the number of cedars all around.

"Maybe you should update the name of this place. You know, call it Thirty Cedars instead of Three Cedars."

He tried to smile but missed the mark. "Originally there were only three around the house which is why my mother had named it so but some years ago my mother and stepfather had a … disagreement and he had all these others transplanted here so that the name became a mockery of itself. He ah … liked to use that as a punch line to comment on my mother's wit."

I'd totally stepped in it, hadn't I? But then there was nothing new in that. For the first time that evening the familiar feeling of awkwardness crept around me and I was glad that the drive was over. I started recalling our conversation to see what other faux pas I'd made but then decided to hell with it. Let him laugh at my lack of social grace – with whatever shit was waiting for him inside, he could probably use it.

I drove to the front door and popped the locks. "Um…good luck." Shit, I shouldn't have said that – he'd think I was saying he needed luck to deal with his mother or something. He'd think…

"Please… would you come in?"

"No… that's ok. I think I'll head back."

"Just a short while, please?"

"I have work to do… for class you know." Could I sound any more redundant?

He smiled and I knew he was going to play his trump card. "There are fresh lemon meringues…"

My stomach rumbled and my resolved crumbled as easily as the delicacy. "Bastard."

He came around and held open my door. "You have no idea how much of one."

Chapter 21

I stepped out and let him lead me into a truly magnificent foyer. The floor was beautiful marble and the squeak of my sneakers on it reminded me that I looked like a poor house relative in this decorative museum. And then I stopped dead when I saw two women coming towards us, dressed in a manner more appropriate to colonial America – pastel colors, gloves, cinched waists on billowy skirts and I could bet corsets that even to my historically un-inclined mind screamed southern belle.

Hunter met them like nothing was unusual for them to go around looking like Gone with the Wind catalogues.

"Where's Beth?"

The shorter of the two spoke. "She's outside Mr. Evans. She refused to take her medication again today and so we thought that maybe a sight of the garden…"

"High tea?"

The other one nodded. "Yes."

"Thanks Anya. I'll meet her outside. This is Julia." He waved distractedly to me and completed a hurried introduction, "Julia – this is Anya and Eveline – please sit …I'll be right back." And with that he was gone.

I don't know if anyone else felt the same, but I certainly gave myself a thump on the back for calmly going towards a spindly looking chair (which was probably named after some dead French king and would probably not hold my weight) and say, "Shall we sit down?"

I don't know whether it was my apparent calm and acceptance of a bizarre situation or just the threat that I might actually break the said furniture but the two of them pulled out of their dazed assessment of me.

"Uh…maybe in the kitchen instead?" The taller one – Anya looked to the other woman for direction.

"Yes definitely. Far too dark in here."

I trooped out behind them into a corridor that opened into a spacious kitchen that also had an informal dining area. The servants table – I shook my head at the absurd description that had popped up but the kitchen also had this ye olde plantation look – not that I had any clue what a plantation kitchen would look like but the other two women in their costumes suited this place more than I. It had a stone floor that looked rough hewn, there were bunches of dried herbs hanging from the ceiling and a fireplace with an honest to God cauldron thing on it. But beneath all that I could see modern equipment – a refrigerator disguised with a faux wood finish, the soft whooshing sound of a modern chimney. It looked like someone had spent a nice packet trying to disguise a modern kitchen into something more than a century old. Jesus, and I'd thought my family was nuts.

"Could I get you something to drink?" Anya offered as she quickly stripped off her gloves and flung them on the table. "Damn things are so irritating."

"Just water – thanks."

"Has Mr. Evans informed you about his mother?" Eveline asked abruptly.

"No, I thought it was perfectly normal to walk into some kind of costume party with a southern plantation theme in the middle of February in Connecticut…"

She looked startled and then gave a short laugh. "Right. Mrs. Carter has dementia compounded by a borderline personality disorder that she's had from before. Normally, a patient such as her would need to be institutionalized because of their volatility but Mr. Evans won't hear of it. Of course it doesn't hurt that they can afford to indulge in her …" she waved at her dress, "eccentricities and afford private care. Anya and I are both trained nurses and although playing dress up is not usually amongst our duties, it is sometimes… necessary for Mrs. Carter to let her cocoon herself in her fantasy."

I don't know how much of her explanation was to seem less bizarre in front of a stranger than to provide me with any real insight but since it had proved to be very insightful indeed, I nodded and murmured an inane 'Of course.'

I sat and thought that I should've left earlier as I sipped my water. The sound of heavy, impatient footsteps interrupted my thoughts and the way Anya stood up to slip on her gloves again told me that Hunter was back.

"Hey listen, I was thinking…" I turned around to face him and forgot my words as my jaw almost dropped to the floor. Okay, so this was totally wrong – my ogling him but I was female, I had a pulse and the guy was gorgeous in a crisp white shirt with a high collar and a three piece gray suit that made his eyes seem a sapphire blue and his platinum blonde hair almost white.

"You clean up good." He flushed slightly and I realized that I was probably embarrassing him in front of Anya and Eveline. He probably didn't relish his part in this elaborate façade and the last thing he needed was me rubbing it in.

Before I could say anything else, he'd turned his attention to the other two women. "She is not in the garden."

The way their faces contorted told me that that was bad news indeed. They rushed out of the room looking concerned. Time for me to bail.

"Hunter, I think I'll get going. I really need to get back to do some work and –"

"No." The force of his reply startled me and made him sound like the lord of the manor … or master of the plantation in this case. Obviously, that put my back up like nothing else.

"Well fuck you very much but I think I'm outta here."

I turned on my heel and walked out, glad of my long stride that kept me ahead of him even as he called my name and followed. I stomped into the foyer and turned around to give him a piece of my mind on where I thought he could stuff his attitude when a clear voice, almost regal in command said from the sitting room.

"How do you explain your presence here?"

I turned around to face a petite older woman with a face which probably still turned heads emerging from the sitting room. She also wore a dress like the other two women I'd met but something told me that this wasn't another paid assistant. The way Hunter came to a stop right behind me and his face paled told me I was face to face with the veritable Elizabeth Carter.

"ANSWER ME!" her voice had a high note of hysteria which I realized would soon climb out of control. Even as my feet itched to run out of the door, I found myself moving forward with my hand out stretched.

"Mrs. Carter – it is a pleasure to meet such a devoted daughter of the south."

As I pumped her limp fingers she said in a voice still angry but also curious, "Who are you and what do you mean by coming here like this?"

"I am Mrs. Mortimer and am the president of the Confederate Women's League – the uh… St. Louis chapter."

"St. Louis – why would you come here from St. Louis?"

Not that I knew where 'here' was for her but that wasn't going to stop me. "The uh- local women would like to start a chapter here and have nominated you for president."

"Mortimer you said? Are you by any chance of the St. Louis Mortimers?"

My mouth flapped a 'yes' before my brain caught up and told me that that was possibly a trap. Her sharpened expression told me as much.

"Hah! They all died of the plague…"

"I had been but newly married into the family and have been consequently widowed…" God knew where I was spewing that drivel from but from the look on Anya and Eveline's faces, I was doing well.

"Widowed, huh? So what do you mean by wearing that indecent attire?"

"We of the League believe that um… sharing our soldiers' suffering is uh…the loudest statement of the … the southern women's unity and strength. We give up finery to emulate the … hardships faced by our men." Before she could add anything else, I barged on, "So about the presidency – I wanted to meet you in person to let you know the terms of nomination and…"

"You're very dark to have a southern lady's complexion."

"There is some … Spanish" I think she would freak if I said Latin American "blood in my family."

"Hmph." So much for the old country I guess. "The Evanses can trace their lineage back for ten generations as masters of the south."

I was about to tell her that chronogically that was not possible but I wisely kept my own opinion.

"Well – come on then." She started back towards the sitting room and noticing the frantic gestures from the other two women, I followed.

"Anya, Eveline – you may be excused. Hunter, you too."

Oh shit. I was totally not prepared to handle her by myself. It was different when the other three were there to diffuse any situation that may arise but by myself… I fought a compulsion to gulp my anxiety. It was alright. I was going to be alright. I could totally handle one crazy woman…

"They think I don't know what an elaborate hoax this is, but I do."

Her words stopped my train of thought and completely threw me off. I was just about coming to terms with the whole charade being played out at the whim of a mentally unsound person … but if she was lucid then why…?

"So much better than having to deal…" With her sanity she seemed to have gained some sort of mind reading powers creeping me out to the extent that impolite or not, I was ready to beat feet out of that nuthouse.

"You may leave – I will regrettably have to reject the post of president for your organization. Three Cedars is my first priority and with my husband out fighting for the South the responsibility for the estate is on my shoulders. Please send Anya or Eveline if you see them."

Her whiplash fluctuation between fantasy and reality was a bit much for me and murmuring something insensible I all but ran from the room. I saw Hunter and the two women in the foyer and although I could see they were bursting with questions but they hurried over to Beth when I gave them her message.

"You must want to get out the nuthouse." Hunter sounded so tired but I didn't have anything to give to him. I was feeling wrung out and more than a little rattled after my encounter with Beth.

"My keys are in the kitchen." I started there with Hunter behind me.

"Julia I –"

"Mr. Evans – Mrs. Carter has taken her medicines and a light tranquilizer and Eveline is helping her to bed now." Anya burst into the room looking more than a little relieved and after Hunter had thanked her she turned to leave but not before she turned to me and with a radiant smile said, "Thank you."

"I – ah no problem…" I said to her retreating back and before I could step back, had been enveloped in a bear hug by Hunter.

"Thanks Julia. Thanks for … everything …but above all for understanding Beth."

I didn't understand her at all, I thought. I couldn't get my mind around how anyone could prefer to cocoon themselves in an absurd fiction than dealing with reality but I was becoming increasingly better at zipping up.

"Hunter she was lucid … in there with me she understood that this whole Gone with the Wind thing was a fantasy and she said as much to me."

"What?!"

Ok so maybe I still had some work to do on the zipping up front.

"She hasn't had a completely lucid period in weeks. I had almost come to believe that she was lost…"

Just great. Trust me to open up an old wound. "I … I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel worse." God, this was almost worse than dealing with Beth.

He shrugged out of his jacket and waistcoat. "No – you didn't. I've known for a long time that it will be this way but it's hard to accept. I've always hoped there might be a reversal…" He rolled up his sleeves and leaned against the kitchen counter. "Hope is a miracle in of itself so yeah – thanks for giving it back to me."

Not trusting myself to speak I simply nodded.

"I know you must want to leave but if you can… stay."

It surprised me that given my usual reluctance to act as a confidant and the recent discomfort how much I wanted to do as he asked. I frowned but my cell phone went off before I could say anything.

"Jules – hey it's me, Brad."

"Oh hey Brad…" I answered absently as I reminded my self of all the reasons I needed to leave.

"How have you been?"

"Just fine – and you?" His question reminded me that I hadn't seen or spoken to him in more than a month now.

"I was going to be driving through New Haven towards the city today so I was wondering if you'd like to meet up for dinner…"

"I'm not in New Haven right now –"

I bit my tongue a little too late. Of course – I hadn't heard from him since the evening I'd walked out on him at the restaurant. I recalled the fight and it struck me as ironic that his olive branch was also being offered when I was, of all places, at Hunter's home.

"Oh. Where are you?"

"I'm on my way to Mary's…" It wasn't like I was lying or anything.

"Why don't I pick you both up then?"

"Er…no. Mary's not feeling too well…" Alright, now I was.

"She seemed fine when I ran into her yesterday. Maybe I should stop by for a check up…"

I shot up from the chair I was sitting in. "No Brad – that won't be necessary. We … she and I were going to spend some girl time together. I think she needs it…"

"Alright…" He didn't sound convinced but at least he seemed to buying my load of crap. "But it's a rain check then… how about next Saturday?"

"Sure." I would've agreed to almost anything to get him off the phone then.

"Let me know if she doesn't feel better by tomorrow … I will make sure to stop by…"

"Um – yeah, thanks."

Hunter was watching me with an expression of amusement that seemed to be masking something else.

"Do you think me so disreputable cher that you must lie to all your friends?"

"Hey buddy – half the time I'm lying to protect your stupid hide."

"And yours too."

He turned to start fiddling near the cooking range and I had to stop myself from physically turning him around. As is, I made my tone sharp enough to pin him in place. "My hide is way too thick to be bothered by what anyone says…"

He turned around then, his voice quiet. "No it isn't. You care Julia – you care a great deal about what those close to you think or say. Which is why I imagine you keep so few that close to you."

"You know nothing about me!" I was pissed off and further enraged by the fact that my anger was stunting my repartees into pitiful nothings.

He was chopping something and replied without turning around. "Not true. I know that you were a math geek, are a financial whiz and take your responsibilities very seriously. You love gaming and have a sweet tooth to rival mine. Not to forget that you think my carrot cake is fantastic."

His calm and slightly amused tone set me back. "Alright. Maybe not nothing … but not enough at any rate…"

"I know enough to know that you'll thoroughly enjoy what I'm going to make right now." He dropped whatever he'd chopped into the pan and the resulting sizzle drowned out my blustering protest.

"So tell me – why did you have to lie to the good doctor?"

Oh hell – whatever he'd put in there smelt really good. Overall it was a very good thing that I wasn't a spy or something because I would be such an easy nut to crack.

"You know the one time he'd met you – at Cosi? Well, he'd recognized you and he was the one who told me that you'd been taking me and Chris for a ride."

He put a lid on the pan and turned to face me. "So he thinks I'm a low life rat bastard who you need to be warned against?"

I guessed there was no point beating around the bush. "Yeah – something like that."

He turned again to root around in the refrigerator and emerged with what looked like frozen fish which he popped into the micro. I was waiting for him to feel offended and say something in his defense and was more than taken aback when he turned to me with a quick smile and said, "Well he would be quite right."

I stared at him as he continued, "I am a total rat bastard when it suits me to be one. But that would mean I'm not one all the time and not to everyone."

"So now I'm supposed to thank you for not being one to me I suppose?" my sarcasm didn't have any effect on him and he continued unfazed.

"But I already have been one to you cher or are my offenses forgotten?" I scowled but before I replied he changed the subject. "So are you and the good doctor…?"

"None of your business."

"Oh but I love to poke my nose where it doesn't belong." He was kidding me I knew but I really didn't want to discuss Brad with him.

"When you're my age kid, you learn that the surest way to avoid being punched in your nose in to keep it out of other people's business."

He frowned and turned to take the dish off the stove.

"Don't call me that."

"Hey – I didn't call you anything. You yourself said that…"

"No – not that." He waved his hand impatiently as I tried to recall the exact words I'd said to him which might have bothered him so. "Don't call me a kid."

"Why? I mean compared to me…"

"Julia – does Brad call you a kid? And he's definitely got more years on you than you do on me."

"Yeah but it's different. I'm not his best friend's younger sibling."

"It's not like you changed my diapers or anything…"

"Well – I could have…"

He gave a short laugh and even I was smiling. Really, conversations with Hunter seemed to always keep taking unexpected turns.

"Not even Beth would've hired a six year old to change my diapers…"

"How long has she…?" I stopped myself but not before I saw his smile slip again.

"…been this way? Almost six years now. She'd always had…problems," his mouth turned as if the words left a bitter aftertaste, "but she began to rapidly decline about six years ago. It was right after Carter planted all those cedars around the estate. He wanted to get her institutionalized but I didn't let him. I threatened to take him to court for spousal abuse – I told him I'd say he'd abused me as well for good measure and so yeah, I basically blackmailed him into getting private care for Beth."

God, the lengths to which he'd had to go to protect his mother. It was almost as if he were the parent – not she.

"Why do you call her by her name?" I'd been curious about that for a while but had held back because even I knew that was too intrusive. Today I'd intruded into his life just as surely as a boulder crashing in their front lawn so what was one more question?

"She had asked me to… when she got married to Carter. She felt it made her seem younger" and less encumbered I added in my mind. "So I've called her by her name almost my whole life – except for the time we live in the bayou."

His voice had taken on an almost wistful note and just as I wondered whether I should ask him more, he turned and busied himself with serving our food. I had to give the guy credit – the stuff smelt awesome and I said as much.

"Catfish" he proudly announced and then, "Told ya I could give Mary a run for her money," as I took a bite and my eyes almost crossed in ecstasy.

"Oh crap – Mary!" I had totally forgotten that I needed to tell her when to expect me. Thankfully I got her the voicemail – I really didn't want her questioning me about where I was and why I was going to be late – and left a quick message that I was catching dinner with a friend and was going to see her later in the evening.

"You sounded…" Hunter shook his head but didn't bother hiding his grin.

"Like what?"

"So unlike your normal kick ass self … like a kid caught with her hand in the proverbial cookie jar."

"Hey, you have no clue how frightening Mary can be when she goes all inquisitor on one…"

"You are lucky to have her you know." I had heard that from a number of people but only with Chris – and now Hunter – did I get the feeling that they really understood and that their words carried the weight of experience.

"Yeah, I know…" and I'm sorry that you never did – I may not have said those words but the sharp nod he gave me made me feel like he heard them anyway.

I was going to help clear up but he waved me aside.

"You had better be on your way cher if you don't want your formidable step mother to give you the third degree."

I picked up my keys. "Thanks ki… Hunter." He smiled at my correction. "And if you need to ah … blow off steam or just want to rant about the crazy world and their myriad injustices to you just stop on by."

He looked as surprised by my words as I felt by saying them but it had felt…right. For once even my brain was keeping quiet about the reasons I should not take on someone else's emotional load.

Chapter 22

"What is it that you aren't telling me Julia?"

Mary and I were cozily settled in the family room with some excellent burgundy (for her) and a Sam Adams for me and there had been, what I thought, a comfortable pause in which I'd been drowsily contemplating going to bed when she sprang that question out of the blue.

"I've noticed that you've been… distracted since the holidays and today you were off somewhere with someone you clearly don't want anyone to know about since you lied to Brad about it."

"How did you…?"

She gave a small smile before her face grew serious. "I'd say I'm your mother and that I know everything but no, it's because Brad called here to ask how I was feeling. He told me that you'd said that you were visiting me because I was sick."

"I hadn't said that… well, not exactly."

"Then tell me – please." When I still hesitated, she added, "I recognize that you have no need to answer to anybody but don't take this that way. I'm just worried about you… you can tell me anything you know that…"

As she sat back with a tight look about her eyes it occurred to me that she might be waiting for me to come out of the closet or something. The idea was so far from the truth that I burst out laughing.

"No Mary – I'm not gay or having an illicit affair or anything. Its simpler and yet more complicated than that… actually it's not even so much about me as it is about Chris – and her brother…"

Half an hour later I sat back with my beer and wondered whether it was just in my mind or that it truly tasted better now that I had relieved the burden of deception by telling Mary everything.

"So basically you've known Hunter now for almost six months – two of which you've known him to be Chris's brother – but she thinks you've never met him before." I nodded and she continued, "Hunter had been lying to you both and Bradley knows this but Chris doesn't … and you never told her all this because you didn't want to jeopardize things between them both and…" she gave me a shrewd look, "you didn't want Chris to realize that you'd been speaking about her brother when you'd been raving about a cute guy at the club. Plus if I know you – you wouldn't want to look a fool in front of her…"

"Yeah." I took a deep gulp to try and cool the heat that was creeping up my neck. The part about my first encounter with Hunter had been embarrassing and difficult to relate but I knew I had to so that she understood the full circumstance.

"How much of all this does Bradley know?"

"Uh – nothing of the club but he knows Hunter was a student in the class I was TA-ing. He was the one who had recognized him and put me onto the fact that Hunter had been lying to me and Chris. And because of that he thinks that Hunter is a slimy bastard whom both Chris and I should keep our distance from…"

"What do you think of him?"

"I … I think he's a kid who's had way too much dumped on him at too early an age."

"So did you Julia," Mary said in a quiet voice. She deliberately caught my hand to make me look up at her. "Listen to me – I know you'd rather that we both forgot what had happened but even you know we cannot. You handled more than any eighteen year old should and I'm very sorry that I wasn't … stronger for you."

I grasped her hand back. "Mary –"

"No, listen to me. I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger then but I am now. And … and I don't want you to make the same mistake I did."

"Mary I'm hardly a naïve kid right out of school…"

"It's not just age that makes us naïve Julia. I had identified with John so completely that I'd thought he and I were – to use a rather clichéd term – soul mates. And that made me turn a blind eye to his faults for a long time."

"You identified with my father?" I couldn't keep the credulity out of my voice. I had yet to meet a man more dominating and arrogant than my father and Mary…there was no one gentler…

She gave a sad smile. "Yes I did. Not so much in temperament of course," she addressed my obviously confused look, "but in our ideas. He was much older than me but the men my age had always seemed too…modern. Because my grandmother had brought me up I had the thinking that was more in tune with his generation – not mine. He always behaved how I'd learnt a gentleman does and the fact that we'd both made similar mistakes in the folly of our youth made it easy to understand…"

"What mistakes?"

She flushed and broke eye contact as if to catch herself before she said too much. "That is not important. It just suffices to say that I didn't pay enough attention to how we differed before it was too late."

"But Mary, what does this have to do with Hunter?"

"Jules I think you empathize with this kid because you see yourself in him. But it's not the same thing… you didn't lie and deceive…"

"Give the kid a break Mary. Fine, he lied but he told me the truth also…" God help me, now I was battling for Hunter's character? Sometimes I confused the hell out of myself…

"…because he probably recognized Bradley simultaneously." Mary's voice echoing Brad's warning interrupted my thoughts. "I don't want to say anything about his character since I don't know him but if Brad has been warning you against him…"

"Brad's just being…" What? Jealous? Protective? I didn't want to lead Mary to think anything more of my relationship with the good doctor as Hunter called him. "Suspicious of Hunter because he is Morgan Carter's son – or stepson really."

"Well, his stepfather was no role model so how does one know…?"

"Mary," I interrupted, because if I didn't say what I wanted to then, I would probably never do so. "If he has enough of Carter in him to try to use or manipulate me, trust me, I have more of my father in me to crush him completely and ruthlessly."

"Oh Jules – of course you don't. Anyway, we've spoken of this enough for one night." She rose and gave me a light peck on my forehead. "Just be careful ok? I have only one daughter and I tend to be protective of her."

I smiled for her benefit and murmured something about wanting to catch up on reading as she head to bed. Mary never seemed to accept that streak of coldness and yes, ruthlessness that I knew I possessed. She was wont to think the best of everyone and the fact that her daughter – or stepdaughter – could give any ol' fairy tale witch a run for her money if she needed to, never seemed to get across to her. How did she think I was so good at my job for fuck's sake? By making sugar cookies for my bosses?

I blew out a breath and calmed myself. Hell, it had taken me a good chunk of my life to come to terms with and accept those traits in myself. It was primarily after my father death really that I came to regard what his genes had given me less with horror and more with a modicum of acceptance.

I ran a light hand over the fireplace as I remembered the evening that had changed everything in my life and haunted me since.

"What do you mean you won't see him?"

I could still see my father stand at the same fireplace and shout those words out to me even as he swept a fragile china vase off the mantle.

"John please…" Mary tried to calm down my father even as she beseeched me with her eyes to back down but I had crossed a line that day from where there was no going back.

Since the awful night two months before at the annual dinner when he'd announced his decision to give half his shares to John Trevell, the creep had practically taken to haunting our house – and me. He'd land up for dinner every second day and every third tried to take me out to lunch or a show or even sports events. When his more polite efforts had been rebuffed he had become ever more effusive and that day had decided that he needed to take a … firmer hand with me.

He had gotten all into my personal space in a way he knew I'd dislike and grasping my arm hard enough that I knew it would leave bruises had said in a voice normally reserved for religious fanatics and other loonies, "You think you can push me away with all your refusals but you have no idea how much I want you. I am willing to wait for a –"

A well placed knee to his groin cut short his drivel. "Don't you fucking DARE touch me again…and I have more than my verbal refusals to push you away with. You can show yourself out." I turned around and marched out of the room with as much fortitude as I could manage because my insides were feeling worse than half formed jello. I had never used the f word out loud let alone assault someone but as I spied on Trevell leaving from where I was ducked behind a curtain, the mushy courage within me solidified into something harder.

I had decided to test just how hard was my newfound resolve when I told my father that evening that I refused to see Trevell again.

"John please…" Mary entreated with him again, this time moving to put herself between me and my father.

In response he swept out a hand and dashed the porcelain vase on the mantle. Mary winced but didn't move.

My father turned back to face us and I could see his jaw clenching tight as he bit out the words, "He is a good boy. Strong. Dependable… I will have you know I think of him as a son and find him more than suitable as a son-in-law…"

"Then let him put his suitable hands all over you…" I couldn't believe what I'd said and in the pin drop silence that followed it seemed that neither of them did either.

I remember even now thinking that in that moment I had crossed a defining boundary my life. Even as I awaited the storm to crash I savored that single moment where I was unrestricted, unobstructed … free.

"What did you say?" the menace in his softly spoken words made me cringe worse than any amount of shouting would have.

"She didn't mean it… she's just upset… don't ... John…"

He whirled on her as she had intended but I knew that he would turn on me as soon as he was done with her.

"It is all your fault … you and your goddamn sniveling!"

Then he swung out and gave her an open handed slap the crack of which made my own cheek tingle. But he wasn't done yet. He curled his hand into a fist as he took another step towards her. And suddenly it wasn't possible for me to ignore the ugly truth as I had done all these years. Perhaps it was the fact that he had never hit her in front of me – although I had a fair idea of what went on behind closed doors, or perhaps it was the promise of being at the receiving end of similar treatment with Trevell but I realized in that moment that I had been striving for the approval of an abusive bastard and by turning a blind eye to his cruelty I was perhaps as guilty of it as he.

When he swung out again, my feet moved as though of their own volition and I found myself between him and Mary. I don't know whether it was the "NO!" that I shouted or the fact that I checked his arm mid-swing but there was a moment of complete, stunned silence almost as if I was in the vortex of a vaccum.

Then my father's eyes lit up with a feral light which made me extremely glad for the first time in my life of my height and build. I flung his hand away with enough force to make him stagger back and a primeval part of me roared with satisfaction. It rejoiced with the recognition in a pack animal which challenges and overthrows the alpha that from that moment nobody was its master.

"Enough," I snarled, letting the victor's dominance ring through my voice, "you will not ever touch her again."

My father's pallor grayed and he stepped back again.

"Julia…" Mary's hushed whisper wanted me to stop but the beast within was not done yet, especially when my father's face flushed and he turned hatred filled eyes towards me.

"You stupid bitch! Wait and see what I'm going to do to you now… you and that pathetic mouse are going to not be worth groveling in the streets when I'm done with you." He strode towards the staircase with me close on his heels.

"I'm going to call my lawyers right now – by tomorrow you will have no home, no money … and hell, I've never seen your useless asses do anything productive so the no job thing is redundant." He laughed harshly as he turned to face me at the top of the stairs. "You'll be begging me to take you back before the week is out but I've had enough! You can go do what the hell you want, wherever you want – I don't want to see your face again."

A momentary chill numbed me before my brain kicked in again.

"After you're done with your lawyers, could you please pass the phone so that I can have a chat with them too? And don't worry – we are going to do whatever we want, wherever we want and we'll do it with half your money."

He smiled a nasty smile. "You idiot – do you not think I have a prenup?"

It was my turn to return a nastier one. "Of course you do dad but prenups don't cover spousal abuse. Not only is Mary going to win the suit – she can sue your sorry ass for far more, I will tell the court anything – and I mean anything to see her win." I paused for a second, "Not to say anything of the money we're going to rake in with the paparazzi and the damage to your precious firm… c'mon dad I may be a novice at it, but even I know how the game is played…"

His eyes gleamed with a hateful anger that told me that he'd do much worse than simply hurt me if I let him get his hands on me.

"You little – "

He aimed a full out punch at me that I dodged but the arm I'd swung up to protect my face connected elbow first into his midriff. He lurched back with a grunt and his face turned ashen again. I crouched in a defensive stance, waiting for him to come at me again but as I raised my eyes to his, I read a sort of unspeakable terror in them before he suddenly disappeared from my view. It took me a full minute to register that he had fallen down the staircase and was lying in a heap at the bottom.

Mary came in because she must have heard him fall but I wouldn't let her see. I made her go into her room and stay there and told her I'd handle everything. Then I stood by his body and let precious minutes drain away his life and when I could no longer feel a pulse, I called the ambulance.

Later that night, as I had answered the police's questions and calmly informed them that my father had complained of chest pain before he lost his balance and fall down the staircase, I had come to realize just how much of him I had in me.

Chapter 23

Between meeting Beth and revisiting the ghosts of my past, I was feeling completely drained the next day and was less than pleased when Mary announced that Brad was coming over for lunch. Call it cowardice but I couldn't face the idea of having another emotionally charged day.

"Well I hope you enjoy your tête a tête with the good doctor," I told her as I licked the crumbs of the Danish I'd been eating from my fingers. It was a weak out, leaving her holding the ball but I didn't have anything better.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I'm off… I'm just not in the mood to deal with Brad right now."

"Julia – don't you think that it is remarkably childish, not to mention rude of you to keep avoiding him? Besides, I'm quite sure he wants to apologize."

The fact that the same thoughts were going through my mind only irritated me further.

"Jesus Mary – why do you keep trying to push the guy on me? If you like him so much, you can have him! After all, he's closer to your age than he is to mine…"

She flushed. "Going on this ridiculous tirade doesn't change the fact that you're behaving worse than a kid… It's up to you but please don't expect me to explain anything to him."

Jesus, where was the parental support when you needed it?

"Then don't. I'm going to see him at the party next week anyway…"

"Julia… I worry about you…" she raised her hand to stop me from chiming in, "and don't tell me not to because we both know that won't work. I want you to be happy and… I worry you keep yourself too closed off. Brad is a great guy but he won't wait forever."

"Yeah… I get that Mary but right now I just… can't."

I walked out of the kitchen with only her sigh following me.

*

"There you are! And I was thinking of looking in the bar cupboards to see if you'd hidden there to avoid me again…"

The voice over my shoulder made me start and almost spill the martini in my hand. It was the evening of the 'surprise' party Chris was throwing for Hunter and although he and Melissa had not yet appeared, a number of his friends and some of Chris's had already packed the VIP room that Mike had procured for her.

"Brad!" I was so glad to see someone I could have even half a conversation with that I didn't even notice the splashes the martini had made on the new top Chris had made me buy. Not that I would've noticed normally but that damn thing was bloody expensive…I couldn't fathom why I'd let her talk me into it.

Brad gave me a light kiss on my cheek. "You look ravishing." Ah yes, that's why. "Red really is your color." It was true – I could carry off the different tones much better than someone with lighter skin.

"Ah – yeah, thanks."

"So how have things been with you?"

"Fine – the usual – lectures, classes…"

"Are you teaching this semester too?"

"No." I waited for some snide remark about Hunter to follow but he didn't say anything. I guess he decided it was bad form to be nasty about someone at their party you're attending.

"Jules – I, ah…I'm sorry if I behaved like an ass the other night…"

"You did." Thought I might as well not leave him to wonder about that anymore.

"It's just that I was …"

"What? Feeling brotherly?"

He gave a snort, "Not hardly. I …like you Jules. I uh, like you a lot…"

Oh God, the ever suave doctor was practically stammering. Could this get any more awkward?

"And I don't want to see you get hurt. And… that isn't all. I was jealous Jules, I was jealous of you getting the companionship from Hunter that I want to give you."

Okay, it could. "Um – look Brad, Hunter is just my best friend's kid brother and I hang out with him because … because he is facing some of the problems I had to and I know how hard it is to deal, you know? So if I offer him a helping hand or just am someone to talk to it's because I wished I had someone like that…"

I looked off onto the crowded floor, not really seeing but just trying to match my rhythm of breathing to the beat of the music so that it wouldn't start hitching.

"Hey, wanna dance?"

I looked over and my momentary surprise put the brakes on my depression train.

"Doctor, I thought you didn't dance…"

"I don't normally but this…" he held out his hand, "this is my kind of music."

It was a slow song and it felt so good with the soothing music to be held by him that I had to ask myself why I wasn't dating the guy. I couldn't come up with anything good - nothing I could articulate at any rate but Mary's and Chris's warnings of keeping me closed off rang anew in my mind.

"So – you wanna catch dinner next weekend?" Really, my suaveness grows no bounds…

He smiled, "It's a date."

"Brad I – " Something made me want to safeguard our friendship and I was going to ask him to promise me that we'd remain friends no matter how any other aspect of our relationship worked out. I knew of course that it wasn't something anyone could guarantee but I wanted to hear the words nevertheless. I never got the chance.

"Julia – is that you?" The shrieky pitch of the voice told me it could only belong to Melissa. "What are you doing here? Oh my God – what a coincidence!"

"Uh – not really … Hunter … err… Lee I mean is my friend's stepbrother."

Chris (with Mike in tow) had also sauntered over - I assume to check out what all the shrieking was about.

"Oh my God Chris – you totally won't believe this but Julia was my TA last semester."

"TA's are allowed to have a life too you know … and people who have a life can be TA's as well." Chris's amused reply shut her up but not for long.

"Lee – I mean Hunter – so funny we are used to calling him by different names no? Anyway, he'll be so totally kicked to see you here."

She looked around for a second and then went off in a direction where she'd probably seen him.

"Why would she think that Hunter would be so kicked to see you?" Chris's mild question made me want to sink into the floor. Caught in the web of my own lies…?

"I suppose because she must've been telling him about this horrid TA she had who gave her a B grade … God she's one anal kid that one…"

Brad gave me a pointed look but thankfully kept quiet.

"Yeah – I could see that. Why don't you and Brad," Chris couldn't resist putting that little extra emphasis on his name, "sneak away before she gets back?"

"You can't keep going like this Jules," Brad said as he allowed me to drag him to an obscure corner. "You should explain everything to Chris."

"Trust me – it's too late for that. And it'll be fine after tonight anyway because I'll be officially introduced to him and things will be just dandy…"

"You're crazy you know that? So…" his voice took on a note just this side between teasing and flirting, "what do I get for my silence?"

"Why Doctor Shaw, I hope you know that blackmail is a punishable offense…"

"I would never dream of doing that Ms. Strand. What I suggest," he backed me onto a wall, "is an exchange of favors."

I could smell his cologne. Hermes, I thought as it tingled my nose. "And what favor would you like?"

"This…" and he kissed me. It was sweet and a bit tangy – oranges, I thought, and then, screwdrivers. We both liked screwdrivers … yeah, that was a good start. Alright, I was rambling but I was nervous and if free association helped with that, free associate away I shall. And yup, help it did and I began to relax enough to deepen the kiss.

"Get a room you guys…" Mike's drunken whine made me want to kick him but Brad eased back and I gave a tight smile instead. "But before that, greet the birthday boy…" and he pulled Hunter in front of us.

"Hey Julia, Brad," although his tone was easy enough, but by the tension in his stance I thought, Hunter was enjoying Mike's 'introduction' just about as much as I was.

"Aren't you chummy… howdya know their names?"

"Chris pointed them out to me Mike," Hunter answered him, some of the tension creeping into his voice.

"But don't expect to melt any ice with your sister's friend here… she likes to bust balls for fun."

I was too stunned to say or do anything but Brad placed a hand on my arm and squeezed as if afraid of what I might say or do. "It's just stupid drunken rambling. Don't pay any attention to him."

"Ah cher – it would be wasted effort on him anyway… for you to bust his balls the guy has to have them to begin with."

I couldn't help but smile. What else is a girl to do when she has someone ride to her rescue?

Mike turned to reply but before he could say anything, Hunter came to stand beside me and Brad. "Whatever it is you're about to say, don't." For a guy usually so effusive and warm it was interesting to see that his anger burnt cold.

Mike cursed and stumbled towards the bar.

"I'm going to see he doesn't have any more…" Hunter left right on his heels.

"Jesus – and I thought I'd seen all the displays of machoism for a lifetime." Brad looked really pissed. "Hunter for heaven sakes!" he answered my questioning look. "There was no need to provoke that guy even more. It did nothing but escalate the situation … God save me from immature show offs!"

This was definitely a first for me and I couldn't help but snigger a bit.

"What?!" He was definitely pissed off.

"You're jealous … oh my God, you're actually jealous of that kid because you didn't get to act as the white knight and all!" Now I was seriously laughing.

"No – no… of course not!" Poor guy, he was blustering now.

I brought my laughter under control. "But you can still have the fair maiden's favor…"

"Oh yeah…?" He started to smile as he hugged me and over his shoulder I saw Hunter coming back in our direction.

"Brad –" but he was kissing me and all I could do was try to mumble against his mouth as I saw Hunter shrug his shoulders and leave.

Chapter 24

"So… are you and the good doctor…?"

I thumped my head on the door of the dryer. "JESUS Hunter – what do you do, lurk around in the laundry room hoping to rob people of their quarters?" Then I remembered our last encounter in the laundry room and that well, it hadn't exactly been him who had been taking other people's quarters.

I started viciously jabbing in my quarters irritated by his laughter that followed my comment. Bastard was probably thinking the same thing I did.

"Damn it! Why isn't the little piece of shit starting?!" The panel read that I needed to insert another quarter but that couldn't be right…

"Why does it need another quarter when I've already inserted a dollar fifty?"

"Umm…not to intrude on your soliloquy but I think the rates have gone up."

"Thieves. Bloodsuckers. Leeches…"

"Quarter?" I continued my litany but allowed him to pop in a coin for me.

"So…where have you been? I haven't seen you since the party…"

In the three odd weeks since his party I had not seen him at all and for all I told him about praying for deliverance from his company everyday, I had missed hanging out with him.

"Midterms you know. And ah- I got back together with Melissa…"

"What?! Why?"

He shrugged his shoulders in a way that I knew that whatever was going to come out of his mouth next was going to be pure BS. "I guess I reconsidered you know… and she was looking very nice on the night of my party."

I guess if dealing with an anal, neurotic and somewhat crazy female just because she can rub gunk on her face the right was his cup of tea, so be it.

"And anyway I thought that since you would be busy with the good doc…Brad," he amended when I shot him a dirty look.

"Hey –" I cuffed him on his arm. "I'm dating the guy not spending every living moment with him for goodness sakes."

"Oh cher if I didn't know better, I'd think you were missing me…by the way, where are you going to be over the summer?" He was changing the topic and I was going to go along with it.

"Back in the city. I'm going to be working again with the VC firm I was with – at my usual rates ofcourse…"

"Nice. Tell me, do you like the work?"

"Well yeah – I like the risk and the challenge in it but it had become too rote lately so I decided to take a break…"

"And go to law school? Jesus – other people would simply go and hang out at a beach in Tahiti…"

He was channel surfing at the laundry room TV so he didn't catch me smile at him. "Yeah well – I'm not other people. And I thought that maybe it was time to change careers…"

"Why?"

"I guess to get more … meaning from the work that I do…" I flushed, embarrassed that I'd shown myself to be hopelessly naïve or something.

"Yeah… I know what you mean. I wish I was one of those people who knew what their passion was… it seems that I have all this … energy to put behind something but instead of a resounding 'This!' all I have are lists of Not this…"

"Oh well … you're young yet – you'll find your life's … stop! Go back."

He gave me a funny look as he went back a channel. "The Mummy?"

"Hey – don't be dissing the Mummy – it's a classic."

He laughed then but put the volume up a bit. "Sometimes cher I think you steal my words."

We watched for a little while and then he got up to leave. I couldn't help my indignation. "What's more important than watching The Mummy on a Saturday afternoon?"

He grinned and shook his head. "You're too good to be true – Brad is one lucky guy cher. It's the V-day … Valentine's day? The day all guys dread and try to break up before."

I laughed. "Yeah, and certain guys who shall remain unnamed get back together with their ex-es before that."

"No comment."

"Wait you're leaving quality time in front of the tv to what, get ready for a big date?!" I hoped that by keeping it light I'd be able to disguise the pang of jealousy I was experiencing. To be fair, it was my fault – Brad had asked if I'd like to go out and do something special but I'd said no and that I was too busy with work. If he'd been dating someone like Melissa he would most certainly not take her word and leave her alone on Valentine's day I thought uncharitably. Who ever said jealousy was rational?

"Isn't Brad…?"

My tone was too sharp when I cut in. "Oh please – Valentine's day lost its hype for us back in our undergrad days. Have a good time kid before life makes a jaded unromantic out of you too…" Why was it that I utterly failed to ever keep my mouth shut around him?

He was at least wiser than I because other than a funny look he didn't say anything and only nodded as he left.

Somehow even the Mummy lost its appeal as I sat alone in the laundry room and wished for the thousandth time that I could unravel the terrible knot that pride and insecurity got all my relationships into.

"What?" I snarled at my door some two hours later. Instead of an answer a card was pushed under my door. It was hardly a card…just a red heart with the words 'Will you be my Valentine?' on it. My heart started hammering painfully … how could … could it be…?

I opened the door and saw Brad standing with a bunch of what I was sure was a bunch of horribly expensive roses.

"Surprise…" he said and kissed me.

"But I thought we were both too busy…"

He shut me up with another kiss. "Too busy spending time with you to be in the city you mean…"

I buried my nose in his shoulder and smelled Hermes again. And then I sneezed. And again. And again.

"I am ….ahhhh …ah-ah CHHOOO llergic to certain strong…ah-CHOO!"

"Sorry about that…" I said some ten minutes later after he had washed up and sitting in my living room.

He laughed. "Here – come sit here and tell me if it's still bothering you…"

His hair was still wet and curling a bit and without his usual button down and glasses he looked less like the brilliant, if cynical, Dr. Shaw who I would turn to for advice and more just a cute guy. Sitting with his arm around me just felt so … comfortable that when he moved in to kissed me again I let him, and when he pulled me against him and let him do that too.

"You're not really into this are you?" He eased up a bit.

The truth was that I was never much into it. Chris told me it was because I found it too difficult to let go but I knew it wasn't that. The truth was that I always felt unsure of what to do… I heard enough about being too much like a man and I was so afraid of hearing that I was coming on too strong sexually that I held back and when some of the guys I was with complained that I was too passive I became even more insecure. Even subsequent time made me feel ever more inexperienced and Brad's words made me freeze.

"Uh…"

"Hey – don't sweat it…" he kissed me on the brow and just cuddled me.

"I have a lot of crossed wires Brad." It was easy to speak with my back to him.

"We all have a few…"

"Yeah well – I have more than a normal share… maybe I'm making up for your utter perfection…"

"I'm not perfect Jules."

"Are too…"

"Am not."

"Are"

"Not"

I threw a cushion at him. "Oh yeah – tell me how…?"

"Well…" he straightened up, "I snore."

Great – he snored and I pushed my father to his death. Small imperfections of comparable magnitude indeed. Suddenly I pictured telling him my 'small imperfection' and somehow the reaction it would produce seemed hysterically funny. So I laughed because the only other option was to cry at the thought that I would perhaps never be able to let anyone open the twisted secrets that filled my Pandora's box of a life.

Chapter 25

"So have you decided on an apartment?"

"What apartment?"

Chris and I were having sushi at Samurai because she was visiting me and neither of us was up to going to someplace better. Hunter wasn't the only one I hadn't seen for a long time.

She stopped with the uni roll halfway to her mouth.

"You mean you don't have a summer lease yet? Jules, it's May… you start work in two weeks!"

"I've scoped out some places but haven't decided on anything yet." Actually I was having a 'oh crap' moment but between my 1L exams and somehow acquiring a life had simply left me with no time at all to attend to mundane if somewhat important things like finding housing for the summer.

She shot me a look like she didn't believe me but was going to play along. "Anyway I wanted to thank you for looking out for Hunter. I know you didn't have the best impression of the guy so double thanks." I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair. "It was so great that you were able to find him an apartment when he decided to move out of his dorm room mid semester."

Hunter had told her that he was having suite issues and wanted to move out and that I'd been so very helpful in getting him a place in my apartment building. I'd cuffed him and we had to have a rematch for the GTA game we were playing (the slime beat me again) when he'd told me that. He said it was easier than trying to keep her away for the rest of the semester and although I agreed he was right I made him promise not to spin any more lies – atleast ones that involved me without checking with me first.

"And he's been telling me how helpful you've been by reading over his papers…" Jesus I'd have to tell the guy to stop laying it on so thick before Chris started suspecting something. He was making me sound like some do-gooder Pollyanna type which was making even me gag.

"…so I think it's a great idea if you would room with him over the summer."

The coughing fit caused by my inhaling my rainbow roll the wrong way ceased before my utter disbelief had sunk in.

"No. Are you insane? Abso-frickin-lutely NO."

Barring the time with my mother, I have never shared accommodations in my life. Even in college I always had a single and over the years the idea of my personal space grew from my dorm room to encompass an apartment. Letting someone into my personal space gets a bit too intrusive for me – oh I know any shrink would have a heyday with my isolationist issues but then any shrink would have a heyday with almost any of my plethora of issues so I didn't let my abnormality bother me or weaken my resolve.

"I don't share living space Chris. Ever. You know that…"

"I know and that is why I want you to try to experiment with this. Jules, you've been dating Brad for over two months now – how many times have you slept over or have him sleep over?"

"How do you propose that living with your brother will change how I choose to interact with my boyfriend?"

"Baby steps. That's what this is about… Hunter's a non-threatening presence and he's male. Jules, you need to get comfortable around guys to not regard everything they say or do with suspicion of possible aggression." I'd never told Chris in as many words about my father but I think she'd guessed. She covered my hand with hers and squeezed. "Brad's the guy you've ever dated for over two weeks but Jules, there are these… walls around you that need to come down…fast."

"You've been talking to Mary, haven't you?"

Sometimes I felt like my love/ sex life was like a lab experiment for the two of them and they exchanged detailed notes on how to jump start the process which would end with me saying in a half daze that 'I do.' Creepy.

She just shook her head. "Tell me atleast that you'd think about it."

"Okay. I'll think about it." Even though I knew what my answer would be.

"Anyway, tell me how things are going with you and Mike…?"

"Oh – he's been great. Did you know he took me to Per Se for our three month anniversary?" I did – she'd happened to mention that atleast fifty times, I thought uncharitably. It really was too bad I couldn't exactly reciprocate her sentiments for me as she too approached a record in dating one guy.

I settled for a non contentious "Nice." I might think him an asshole but three months and he still treated her like a princess. Exclusive dinners, private clubs, demurely expensive jewelry – the guy was really rolling out the red carpet and if Chris was happy prancing on it 24/7, I could forgive his drunken stupidity.

"I just wish Hunter and he got along better." Hunter apparently wasn't ready for the 'forgive and forget' stage even though the guy had personally apologized to all three of us.

When I'd broached the subject with Hunter, he'd said, "Drunkenness isn't a shield to hide your actions behind…besides, there is something about him I don't like. Like he's too charming or something… a Stepford husband almost." Since I agreed with that, I hadn't pushed further on the topic.

So I tried fobbing Chris off with what I knew would be a platitude. "I guess he'll come around in time. He's also adjusting to having a sister to look after…" Chris snorted her opinion of that but I could tell that it pleased her.

"Er – Chris…" I didn't know how to do this; it was kind of a new experience for me. "I …uh have to leave. Brad is going to pick me up in half an hour so…"

"Oh my God – I totally didn't realize how long we'd been sitting here." She waved me away as I reached for my card. "It's on me… and tell me you'll at least think about my suggestion."

I didn't even try to play dumb. "Will do." And then, "You're an awesome gal Chris…just don't ever sell yourself short." I didn't know why I had to say that but I just did.

"What are you doing next weekend?" she asked as we waited for the check.

Other than wildly trying to find an apartment? "Nothing."

"Then how about a double date?" My expression must have shown just how thrilled I was at the prospect because she hurried on, a cajoling note entering her voice. "It'll be fun. Please. Look, I know you don't have the best impression of Mike…as yet… but I really want you to see what I see in him."

Pigs would fly before that but lately I've found it increasingly easier to be diplomatic. "I'll speak to Brad and see if he's up to it." Especially if there is someone else to take the blame…

*

"So of course I'll call her and let her know we can't make it…"

Brad and I were at dinner at Rumba to celebrate the completion of my first year at law school. He had wanted to go out and I had wanted to bum around (as usual) so we compromised on Rumba which was a two minute walk for me and classy enough for him. That it had delicious Caribbean cuisine was just an added bonus.

"Why?" I expected him to pull a face or otherwise indicate that he was being sarcastic but he looked at me in earnest.

"Why?! It's that creep Mike … why would you want to hang out with him?"

"See – if you don't like him its all the more reason you should get to know him… this way you're just going to alienate Chris." He had a point, but still…

"He is such a pompous ass." Alright I was whining but just a bit.

Brad shrugged. "He's not that bad… somehow I can't understand why you dislike this guy so much but never seem to notice the arrogance that Hunter shows."

I winced. Hunter had called that evening to invite me over for a beer and some videogaming as he was going to pack it up the next day to move into his apartment. My hands were dirty and I had put him on speakerphone and the idiot had said, after I told him that I had plans with Brad that evening, "Make an excuse … c'mon you'll have more fun staking some vampires than stabbing some second rate entre in a restaurant anyway." Not many people could manage to top me in the 'foot in the mouth' department, but Hunter managed it quite well.

"He was just kidding Brad…"

"Yeah and Mike was just drunk…"

"Drunkenness is not a shield for bad behavior."

"Neither is a piss poor sense of humor."

Brad was so touchy about Hunter still that there was no point in arguing with him.

"Anyway – I have to go apartment hunting next weekend too…"

"Jules…" his hand covered mine and afraid of what he might ask I interrupted him, "Brad – Chris uh … she suggested that I could room with Hunter this summer."

"And what do you think?" he didn't sound mad as I had anticipated.

"I might think about it…"

"That might be a good idea."

"…only if I can't find anything else myself." I completed my explanation before his words had fully sunk in. "Wait… what? You think it's a good idea?" Ok, this was beyond the realm of what I had ever thought possible.

"No really, I do." He poured us both some wine. "That way I would probably get to see him more and as you keep saying if I got to know him better I'd see the same qualities in him that you do."

I stared at him for a second. "Bullshit. You think he's going to mess up… don't you? You think that living with him would somehow open my eyes to whatever it is that I'm missing…"

He couldn't quite conceal his smirk. "Cynical, aren't you?"

"Hah – try truthful…"

"The truth is rather bitter at times."

"Whatever. Anyway, like I said it'll happen only if I don't find some place by myself which I'm quite sure I will." I took a bite of food. "So you aren't afraid that he would try to seduce me or something?" I couldn't help but yank his chain.

"He might try… if he can get some time out from all the other women and looks up from the TV screen the two of you seem to be perpetually glued to whenever I see you together."

I pulled a face. "Took you a long enough time to notice me as well…"

He smiled and gave me a quick kiss. "It might have been longer had I known how addictive you are…"

I think flirting was the part I liked best about dating. Flirting that had something to do with complementing me, to be more specific.

Chapter 26

"So you're moving in with him?" I winced partly at the way the three inch stilettos pinched my toes and partly at the censure in Mary's voice.

"I'm not 'moving in' with him Mary … I'm subleasing from him…"

"And what does Bradley have to say about this?"

"Bradley doesn't make my decisions for me."

Her voice told me she had stiffened. "Mary I didn't mean…"

"You may think this terribly old fashioned or even door mat-ish of me Julia but it is just common courtesy to tell the guy you're dating when you plan to live with another."

I couldn't help roll my eyes. "It's hardly like Hunter is competition for Brad… c'mon…"

"And does Brad see this the same way?"

"Sure." Because he would be insane not to. The doorbell rang and gave me a good excuse to cut the conversation short. "Anyway I have to go… the big double d… call you later."

I jammed on my shoes. Brad was early but he could cool his heels while I did my make up. Tonight I was going all out. I wanted that slime Mike to trip over his own shoes when he saw me and messieurs Revlon and L'Oreal were going to come to my aid.

I stopped to adjust my shoe strap on the way to the door. Now all I had to do was to keep my balance and avoid a twisted ankle…

"Oh… wow." His words seemed to echo my own straying thoughts as I saw Hunter in replica of the three piece suit I'd seen him in earlier – except the color of this was dark blue instead of gray – with a bowtie dangling from his fingers.

"Cher your guy has to be insane to let you go out like that…you're ready to stop traffic…" Pleased by his compliment I did a little twirl and thought that my choice of a deep red, mid thigh, strapless number with a short embroidered bolero jacket had been just right. "Except that you've got that gleam in your eye when you're out to annihilate someone. So who is the poor bastard?"

"Mike."

"The schmuck? This is too good a death for him…"

Not that I minded having someone share my dislike of the guy but I wondered why Mike rubbed Hunter the wrong way when he never set off Brad's hackles. "Why do you dislike him so?" I asked.

"He's going to hurt her…" He ran a hand through his hair but even mussed, managed to make it look good.

"Oh yeah … how do you know?" I had the same feeling but I didn't think I should encourage Hunter. "Speaking from experience?"

He frowned. "I don't know where you get this impression but I'm no heart breaker…"

I snorted. "Yeah right… and Clinton did not have sex with that woman."

"I don't jump into bed with every girl I meet Julia." His voice was too serious for comfort. Oh crap – of course he must be thinking I was comparing him to his stepfather.

"No… I didn't…"

"Hell I've never slept with Melissa for all the time I've been dating her."

Now THAT made me do a double take. "What?! Then why in hell's name are you dating her?"

He flushed and I knew I'd gone too far, even for me.

"Hunter I'm sorry – it's none of my…"

"No. It's ok … she just … needs me Jules."

Suddenly it all clicked. Beth – Melissa was another Beth… I wonder I hadn't seen that before. The way they manipulated to get what they wanted, how they always tried to bend things to suit their idea of reality instead of learning to deal… Having taken care of his mother all his life, the guy definitely had some sort of savior complex.

"You can't save everyone Hunter." That he refused to meet my eye told me I'd scored a bullseye. "You need to put yourself first at times. She isn't good for you…" I felt a bit weird saying the words that were being constantly bandied about me lately.

He shrugged. "You can't save people from themselves … so don't worry about me. But for now, if you can help me with this…" he held up the bowtie, "…you would have my eternal gratitude."

I can't do very many homey or wifey things but having seen Mary fix my father's bowtie countless number of times had taught me that one skill.

"Sure. By the way," I asked as I tied the knot, noticing how in my heels we stood eye to eye, "what's the occasion?"

"Oh Chris has invited Melissa and me for dinner."

"What? Tonight?"

"Well yeah – I'm not getting dressed for tomorrow…"

"But…"

"She'd told me you and Brad were gonna be there too. She didn't think you'd mind." His eyes latched onto mine. "Do you?"

I snorted. "Not hardly. At least I will have someone to bat off slimy Mike's snide comments… or to see them as snide in the first place."

He gave me a wicked grin. "I don't know if I want to jeopardize any future VIP lounge entries now…"

"Yeah right…" I went into the bathroom to put on my makeup. "Like you had any chances left now…"

His mock sigh followed. "See the sacrifices I make for you cher?"

The doorbell rang. "Go make yourself useful and see who it is."

Hunter mumbled something about good domestic help being so hard to find and my laughter prevented me from hearing who it was.

When Hunter's face reappeared in the mirror behind me I asked, "So who…?"

"My … isn't this a domestic scene…" Brad's voice cut short my query. His tone was amused but it carried a taste that I didn't want to explore at that time – so I turned around hoping to distract him.

"So what do you think?"

"You look gorgeous," he replied and kissed me full on the lips. I was taken by surprise since he normally didn't like lipstick smearing but over his shoulder Hunter gave me an 'it's a guy thing' look and I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes.

Hunter cell phone went off. "Yeah … ok, we'll see you in the lobby."

He turned to us. "Melissa is here…"

"Then let's go by all means… we wouldn't want to keep your girlfriend waiting" Brad's voice had a note of such triumph like Melissa's presence was some kind of breaking news that I almost wanted to scream in frustration. My boyfriend was convinced that another guy was hitting on me when the said guy was more interested in saving (read: being used by) conniving, neurotic females. And they say women are complicated…

*

Dinner was as painful as anticipated … perhaps worse because it took the entire ride to the city to get Melissa to shut up about the face that Hunter and I had been neighbors for a much longer time than Chris knew. I hadn't anticipated that snag till we arrived in the lobby to see the surprise on her face.

"Melissa it is a big building… the entire seminar class could've lived there without my knowing." Saying it for the hundredth time as Brad handed over the keys to the valet made me want to beat my head against the nearest wall and pray fervently at the same time.

"Lee could've used all the extra help you know…" her sly smile made me sick. But Hunter – I simply couldn't understand how he could let her intone 'Lee' in that syrupy voice all day without snapping – didn't seem to mind. Maybe he could tune out her voice when he saw her impressive cleavage straining at a plunging neckline. Too bad it didn't have the same effect on me.

"I think Julia couldn't have helped me more if she tried." His words were mild enough but it shut her up… for the time being.

"I just noticed … in her shoes Julia's taller than her date … all that height must be such a disadvantage…" her mock whisper to Hunter was really meant for my ears and I was just glad that Brad hadn't heard. I knew that it was going to be one long evening.

Her comment ruined my dramatic entry for Mike's benefit and I would've slunk to the back of the group when we were being seated if Hunter hadn't surreptitiously held my arm.

"Ladies first…" his words were both a challenge and a plea and I let myself be guided to the seat ahead of him and Brad. Then he turned to Melissa and the momentary comfort was also gone. I wondered why I was sitting there, tense and in shoes that pinched, waiting to field unpleasantness from two people I liked least in the world when I could be home and comfortable in my pajamas. Because three people I liked most in the world were also at that table. I sighed and decided that a trip to the ladies room was in order to collect my wits for the evening.

I was washing my hands and wondering if I should touch up my make up or let well enough be when the mirror reflected Melissa behind me.

"You know he's not interested in you that way…right?"

I ignored her hoping she would shut up.

"I mean if you think his flirting with you means anything…" she fluffed her hair, "it doesn't. That's just the way his family is – you've seen Chris with guys, right?" She leaned towards me and I had the distinct image of a viper slithering close. "You know he laughs at all your pathetic attempts to seduce him…"

I shrugged and lightly tossed away the napkin I had used to wipe my hands with. "Hmmm… that's too bad because I thought I might as well show the kid a good time since he's clearly not getting any with you…" and had to control my impulse to shout 'Bingo' as I saw by her horrified expression that I'd scored a huge hit.

It began to bother me though as the dinner carried on but her expression remained one of stunned desolation. Maybe, a tiny voice piped up, I shouldn't have used that line of attack. She was asking for it the rest of me boomed but the tiny voice stuck on. Great, now was just the right time to develop a conscience.

The dinner was a tense one as I kept replaying the conversation in the bathroom and Melissa's unusually taciturn behavior only underscored the tension between Hunter and Mike.

Chapter 27

"So… how about a nightcap… after that dinner I could use more than one…"

Brad and I were driving back – or rather crawling back because the traffic had been a killer. Melissa had insisted on taking the train and Hunter went with her. All I really wanted to do was to go soak in a hot bath and think about how to (or whether to) approach Hunter but I had all but ignored Brad that evening and was feeling bad about it.

"Sure –"

My cell phone went off. It was Hunter.

"We need to talk." And he hung up.

Damn right we did. If that ass thought he could threaten me – he didn't know what he was dealing with. And damn that Melissa – who knew what she'd been telling him about what had transpired? But c'mon he knew – the stupid ass knew how manipulative she could be and still he went on what she told him… did it even occur to first ask my version of things? No.

"Jules?" The concern in Brad's voice cut through my seething anger. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah…yes. I just – I need to go deal with something Brad so tonight isn't so good."

"You want me there?"

"No – thanks but no. I'll deal with this myself."

He parked in front of my building. "Ok. But call me tomorrow. Promise?"

I somehow managed to turn my lips into a semblance of a smile. "Promise."

I had worked myself into a good mad by the time I reached my apartment but the sight of him still in his formal clothes but leaning against my front door like it was the one thing holding him up made my eloquent speech dry up in my throat.

"Jesus Hunter…" I smelt it then. "Have you been drinking?" He was reeking of bad vodka. This was going to be a long night.

I pushed him into my apartment and onto a couch before I shut the door.

"Yeah… I thought it might make things easier."

I handed him a glass of water. "And did it?"

A wan smile. "Fuck no."

I put aside my bag and shoes. He had a lot to say but I wasn't sure I was up to the counseling.

"This is the first time you know… I've never drunk before. I saw first hand what it did to my mother you see … oh yeah, she's been an alcoholic forever… but why do I bother? Why do I FUCKING BOTHER WITH ANYONE?"

He was furious and as he came towards me, all I could see was my father in a drunken rage at Mary or myself and I couldn't help the defensive posture my body went into. He stopped as if struck. When he approached me again, it was with the careful steps of someone approaching a wounded or perhaps wild animal. Apt descriptions both.

"I wish I could bash in the teeth of the guy who ever taught you to react that way…"

I hadn't realized I was shaking till he came and gently put his arms around me.

"Just let go cher. I'll hold on…"

I let my head rest on his shoulder. Ironic that moments ago I'd been bracing myself to do that for him.

"Don't worry I've done that already…" my voice was muffled but he caught the words anyway.

"Done what?"

"Kicked that bastard's teeth in."

"I'd like to do it again… just to make sure its done right."

He teased a smile out of me and I let him press a glass of water in my hand after he made me sit on the couch.

"I'm sorry about the yelling…" he looked unsteady on his feet so I pulled him down to sit next to me and handed him his water again. We sipped silently for a bit.

"You wanna tell me what that was all about?" I asked. He didn't reply and not wanting to push him further, I opened my mouth to change the subject.

"You remember the first time I'd come over to hang out at your place and those cops had shown up?" When I nodded he continued, "I had broken up with her just the previous night." I remembered him telling me that he and Melissa had broken up but wasn't seeing a connection. "I found out later that the university mental health department had received an anonymous call from a 'concerned neighbor' about a girl pleading with me in my apartment asking me to stop stalking her and my growing violent with her. This 'neighbor' told them that there was a history of mental illness in my family and that she was concerned about me being a danger to others. Thankfully you were there when they arrived and so the questioning was cut short otherwise they might have tried to contact Beth about me… and things would've shot to hell."

"Wait… you think Melissa…?"

"Yeah."

This was the perfect opportunity to burn her. All I had to do was let him believe … but I couldn't. Whatever it was, he had at some point trusted her enough to tell her this and for him to believe that she'd betrayed him so horribly would probably hurt him just as much… if not more.

"Hunter – you said it was an anonymous call… it could've been anyone. You don't know…"

"Oh, but I do." His hands fisted. "She told me. She told me how pathetic I was … how easy to play and if I was thinking that she wasn't getting any, was I mistaken." His face looked more tired and sad than anyone his age had the right to. I wanted to tell him that Beth wasn't his fault – that he couldn't go around life thinking that he had to atone or make up for something by taking up with other women like her but I didn't think he was ready to hear that.

"You need to go to the cops about this."

He shook his head. "It's only my word against hers… and I don't want to take a chance that Beth would be pulled into this whole mess."

Till that point I had considered Melissa a mean spirited bitch but this… this was beyond despicable. I surprised myself a second time that day when I swung an arm around him and gave him a hug of sorts. "You know I almost did bitch slap her today in the ladies room? High time her great fear of being pursued by a violent lunatic was realized, huh?"

He slowly smiled a smile that reflected on my face and then we were both laughing. Somewhere in the middle of our laughter he slung his arm around my shoulder as well and it was surprisingly easy to hold on and let go.

"So," he asked a few moments later when our laughter had subsided, "is Brad gonna be ok with you living with a guy who has a crazy bitch for an ex?"

"Oh the crazy bitch is definitely a plus…" I started to sit up, "otherwise who knows whether I'd be able to keep my hands off you…"

I grinned at him and made to get up but when he stayed me I noticed that he hadn't smiled back.

"And you would want to…?"

We had been already sitting close but this time when his thigh brushed mine, I almost jumped. "Want to uh… what?"

"Keep your hands off me?"

This time I felt an unease of a completely different kind than I had when he'd been shouting. He brushed his hand down my cheek and the crazy urge I had to pull him down on me was balanced only by the gut reaction to push him away. In the end I just stayed his hand.

"Hunter – you're drunk. You need to get some sleep."

He backed off immediately. "You're right." He turned to pick up his coat so I couldn't read his expression and when he turned back he was looking his normal self – albeit a bit unsteady. "G'night cher… look after my angel" He kissed me on my cheek and before I could say anything, he left. It wasn't until I had locked the door behind me did I realize that he never apologized for what he'd almost done.

Chapter 28

I of course worried about it all that night but he never mentioned it the next day when he stopped to say goodbye, or the next week when he helped me cart some of my stuff to our summer sub lease and as the summer wore on, I decided he had been too drunk to realize what he'd said or done and had either forgotten about it or was too embarrassed to mention it. And I was more than happy to leave it that way.

As summers went, that one was particularly idyllic. It was great to be out of the classroom but without the stress of making money to pay off tuition. It was great to be back in the boardroom making money without the pressure of thinking how every move might affect my career.

But the best part of that summer had been the time I spent hanging out with Chris, Brad and Hunter. I had the complete set of best friend, boy friend, guy friend to live the wholesome American life of the twenty first century. Life was perfect – well, almost…

"So I'll see you and Brad for dinner tonight?" I made an almost unconscious move to rub my head but settled for throwing a cushion at Hunter instead.

"Yes. We'll be there. Yeah… ok. Love you too."

Over the past month and a half or so Brad and I dined with Mary almost every weekend. Not that I didn't enjoy spending time with either of them, but it was almost a bit…much. She had invited Chris over a couple of those times too but mostly it would be just the three of us – almost like we were already a family unit. I had never seen Mary as pleased with any other guy I had ever dated. I kept waiting for Brad to say something about it being a little overboard but he seemed to enjoy every bit of it. Mary, in his eyes, was the perfect lady who could do no wrong.

"So you're off for more quality family time tonight?"

I looked down at where Hunter was lounging on the couch in his ratty t-shirt and sweats. Apart from his irritating sense of humor, living with the guy had been surprisingly easy. And as much as I hate to admit it – healthier for me. And no, I'm not talking psychobabble but lifestyle wise … I was definitely eating better than I had since moving to college and exercising more too. Since he found out that I was on the varsity swim team, Hunter insisted on doing laps together. Where he lacked in speed, he more than made up in stamina so from my erratic couple of laps a weeks schedule, I was touching almost forty laps everyday now.

"Why don't you come along?" I'd asked him before too but he'd refused every time. It wasn't different this time either.

"Nah… you go ahead. Have a good time…"

I started towards my room and then stopped. If there was one thing that bothered me, it was that the guy seemed to have no friends. He seemed to be even more of a loner than I was and I worried about him. Over the past six weeks, I had never met any of his friends. It was the summer, true, but more than I handful had to be working in the city. He went out and had stayed out a couple of nights but with whom, I had no clue.

"Hunter?" This was not my business. Not my business… not my business… "Who do you hang out with?" Great.

He shot me an amused glance. "With you. And Chris and Brad…"

"Yeah, but what about friends from college?" Mary would be so proud of me – the inquisitor reborn.

"Don't have any…"

Ok so the guy wasn't going to play ball. "C'mon – I've seen you go out for full nights and it sure as hell wasn't with any of us…"

"Cher…" He gave me a smile hard enough to cut through my glare, "you won't approve of my friends."

Now I was seriously alarmed. "Don't pass judgment on my behalf." Maybe if I got to see who it was he was hanging out with I could speak to Chris … or something.

His eyes gleamed a devilish blue. "Come on then."

"What? Where?"

But he was already on his cell phone. "Hey Sean … are the guys there? Right. I'm bringing in a guest… oh you don't have to worry about that. She'll blow your fuckin' socks off… yeah… later."

We were already out of the door before I stopped. "Where are we going Hunter?"

"Well you wanted to interrogate my friends … this is your chance."

"Uh…I need to get to Mary's for dinner… where exactly are we going?"

"Queens."

"What? It'll be way too late for me to come back to have Brad pick me up…"

"I'll drop you, no worries."

"But you don't have a car…"

"A car isn't the only way of getting around…"

"Um… Hunter…" Now I was stalling. I just wasn't sure I was ready to hare off to the middle of freakin' Queens when I had to be in Alpine for dinner. Besides I wasn't too sure I wanted to meet 'the guys' by myself.

He turned to me with a bland face but again, his eyes gave him away. "No worries if you can't make it though … I know you must be looking forward to waiting for the good doctor…"

Oh the slime… he wanted me to take the bait.

"Lead on buster." And I did.

We got off at the Shea stadium stop on the seven and during the walk for the next couple of blocks I was very glad that I was in sneakers and jeans.

"Relax cher." His voice was amused but kind. "Nothing will happen."

"I hate to point out the obvious to you but this isn't the type of neighborhood where nothing happens."

"Ok – then how about this – nothing bad will happen to you. They know me…"

I said nothing but walked along taking stock of the situation. So he was in some sort of gang. It figures really – neglected child, rolling in the green, looking for some attention from his folks and here I was walking through the 'hood to meet his 'guys.' I should've been panicking but I couldn't get past the idea that Hunter would knowingly put me in danger. But he's just a kid the voice in my head was intoning again, he doesn't know what he's doing and now we're both going to end up with toe tags.

He paused. "Look … if you're uncomfortable, we could head back. No worries. I shouldn't have brought you here anyway."

He was completely sincere and even as the rational part of my mind rejoiced at returning to my Starbucks studded reality, I heard myself say, "I'm good. And I'm not going without meeting 'the guys.'"

He smiled and we ducked into an alley. A few paces in he knocked heavily on some sort of garage door. "Sean it's me…"

"Side door" was all the deep voice from within said before I heard a lock buzz open.

"C'mon…" Hunter tugged me towards a door that seemed to blend right in with the dumpster it was next to. We entered a big room…garage really and six pairs of hard, intent eyes turned towards us. These guys were seriously beefed up and they sported a variety of tattoos and piercings that made them look like participants on some sort of prison reality show. I'd have been seriously impressed or feeling out of my depth if my attention hadn't already riveted to a spot behind them.

"Holy…shit. This is an honest to God '57 F-bird. Oh wow… there are only about forty of these babies in the world…" I lifted a hand to reverently touch it but stopped myself before I got the polish all smudgy.

"What?" I asked a set of six dumbstruck faces and one set of blue eyes that grinned back at me.

"Long legs… pretty eyes… and she knows her cars. Hunt you fucker, how did you get so lucky?" I turned to meet calculating, anything-but-gentle stare that fitted the voice I'd heard earlier to the T.

"For the chance of a drive in that" I pointed to the … "a guy with a much uglier mug could get luckier."

"Chiquita doesn't do women…" but his hazel eyes had lit up with a gleam of golden delight.

I strolled up to him. I don't know where my confidence was sprouting from but I knew this was some sort of test and that I was passing with flying colors so far. "I wouldn't be too sure… she looks a bit… fast to me." I grinned at him. "Hi, I'm Julia."

He accepted my hand and kissed its back instead of shaking it. "Sean. My pleasure to meet the first woman who could rival Chiquita."

He turned his wheelchair and started heading towards the back of the garage. "Beer's on me tonight… but of course, only as long as Long Legs joins us…"

What started off as one beer stretched to over two hours but something about the camaraderie between those guys made me want to stick around. Well, that and the fact that it was a novel experience for me to hang out with anyone who didn't seem to belong to the inside of a perfectly appointed drawing room. Most of the guys had juvie or adult records but their love for cars and a healthy dose of respect for Sean kept them off the streets. I suspected most of them had been involved in carjacking so the chance to work with the same machines legitimately was one they grasped with both hands.

With the passing beers I became more comfortable and was soon swapping getaway stories with them. Well – theirs were the true getaway stories, replete with choppers and police sirens – mine were a bit more mundane about all the speeding tickets I'd gotten or had managed to escape, but they seemed to enjoy it all thoroughly. Somewhere in the middle we started shooting pool and although I wasn't a crack shot like Hunter, I was able to hold my own (thanks to the training Chris had drummed in me) so he and I were doing pretty well as a team.

Crack! Hunter potted another ball and Rowdie – who was playing against us with Sean – sidled next to me and put an arm around my shoulders.

"Gimme a chance chica and we can whip these white boys with no problem…" It wasn't the first time someone had mistaken me for being latina but it was certainly the first when someone had used it to flirt with me.

Sean grinned from where he was cuing up. I really had to admire the guy – it seemed that he hadn't allowed his handicap to affect his everyday interactions.

"Who're you calling white bread you fuckin' oreo?"

Rowdie leaned in as if letting me in on some secret. "See… Sean here is kinda touchy like… mix Irish white with Puerto Rican mocha and whaddya get? A hot headed and totally tragic piece of leftover dough bread…"

I bent to place my shot. "Artisan bakers might call that a marble loaf and charge you twice as much for it…"

Sean laughed in a deep bark. "You're all right legs… you really are. If your guy didn't own half my business, I'd boot him out just to have a shot with you…"

Before I could open my mouth to correct him, someone cranked up the music that had been playing in the background. It was reggae and although it wasn't music I was normally into, the lively beat seemed to go with the energetic and light atmosphere.

Rowdie set aside his cue stick. "For you chica…" and did a couple of really cool splits and stands topped by a headspin. The guy really had some serious moves up his sleeve.

Before I had realized it, Hunter was tugging me away from the pool table.

"You owe me a dance cher…"

"What? Here? Oh no… no… Hunter I can't…"

"Of course you can."

"…And I don't owe you a dance."

"Sure you do." He stopped tugging but didn't let go of my hand. "Remember the bet about the carrot cake? When you'd bet me that I couldn't make a carrot cake better than Claire's?"

"Oh that one…"

"Yes that one…come on…"

"But – "

"It's just a dance cher…"

And oh boy was it one. I normally never allow myself to be led but with Hunter it was so… natural. He seemed to anticipate what I wanted to do so it wasn't the case of me tugging to be spun out or trying to take the lead but it was more complementary than anything. Soon all I could feel was the movement of my body and how it met the rhythm of the base.

A sharp whistle brought me back and I stopped, flushing and a bit out of breath. It felt absolutely wonderful.

Big Jack or 'Biggie' lumbered towards me with an appreciative gleam in his eyes. "Wanna test those moves on me baby?"

"She doesn't need you crushing her toes Biggie when she's got me…" Hunter kept his arm slung around my shoulders and his eyes on Big Jack's. Jack looked away first.

"Besides we gotta leave." I had been so caught up that I hadn't glanced once at my watch in the past … oh my God! It was almost seven and I had told Brad to pick me up at a quarter past to make it to Mary's by eight.

"I told you I'd drop you…" Hunter seemed to read my mind as he turned to Sean. "I need a bike dude…" and was tossed a set of keys. I said my goodbye and thanks to the guys and hurried after him.

"Uh…Hunter…?" We were making a beeline for some motorcycles parked in the corner.

"Did you say 'ride' or 'bike'?"

He passed me a helmet. "Bike."

I held it uncertainly. "Uh…"

"Trust me."

Oh well, I had to get to Mary's and so far he hadn't let me down in any way. What the hell… I strapped on the helmet after dropping Brad a quick message that he needn't pick me up and we were off.

Chapter 29

The bike ride build on the adrenaline high I was already riding and I reached Mary's flushed, sweaty and totally exhilarated. I hopped off outside the gate and handed him my helmet.

"You look…" he shook his head and laughed softly.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Hey- thanks for a great time… and you have my permission to hang out with those guys." I gave him a smile that he returned. I was full of questions about how he had met them and about the business partnership that Sean had mentioned but that could wait.

"Listen…" He was revving his engine and when I held his arm. "Why don't you come in for dinner?"

He pushed up the visor. "Uh… Mary …"

"…won't mind. Really." Perfect. I could satisfy my curiosity and have something other than art and music and charity dinners to talk about at dinner.

"Come on…"

"Ok."

I punched in the gate code and he wheeled in his bike. The door opened before I could ring the bell.

"Oh its you Julia … I heard this dreadful racket outside."

Hunter grinned a bit sheepishly at my side. "That was my bike Mrs. Strand. Hi…" He extended his hand which Mary took with a questioning glance at me.

"Sorry I forgot you guys haven't met before. Hunter this is Mary … Mary… Hunter."

She opened the door wider and gave a perfect hostess smile. "Come on in." She looked at Hunter and waved towards the restrooms, "You might want to freshen up…" and then she turned to me, "Jules why don't you change for dinner?"

I held her glance. "I'm fine."

Normally, I indulge her in the 'no jeans or ratty clothes at the dinner table' rule but I didn't want Hunter to feel out of place. She shrugged and went to the living room and we followed.

There was an awkward pause punctuated with only the sound of scraping wood on marble as we seated and reseated ourselves and poured out our choice of beverage.

"So, Hunter what are you studying?"

"I'm majoring in Psychology and Economics."

"Ah…" another awkward silence. "Julia don't you think you'd be more comfortable on the sofa?"

Talk about meaningless chatter. "Uh … no, I'm fine here." Hunter and I had been sitting on high back chairs and Mary on the loveseat.

"I mean when Bradley gets here … you two would want to sit together, right?"

What the hell? "No. Why would I want to do that?"

She pursed her lips. "I just thought you might want to sit next to the man you're going to marry"

"WHAT?!" I almost dropped my wine in my lap. "Mary what the fuck are you talking about?" I never used the f- word in front of her, much less at her, but she was clearly not in her right mind. "Brad and I are dating – we are NOT getting married."

She shrugged and moved to the wine cabinet as if she hadn't said anything out of the ordinary. "I just thought it was a matter of time … more wine anyone?"

We were saved from another explosion from me by the doorbell ringing and Hunter holding down my arm.

"Don't worry about it cher…"

"But – "

"… saw a bike in the driveway." Brad came in with Mary right behind him. "Julia! What are you…? I have been trying to reach you for hours … all I get is one cryptic message to not pick you up and then I couldn't reach you. Where have you been?" He seemed to notice Hunter sitting beside me only then. "Hunter…" he gave him the guy nod. "Were you with…? And that is your…? Ah…"

"Oh please for heaven sakes… if you want to know what I was doing with him, we were hanging out with a bunch of ex-cons, shooting pool and talking about their carjacking days."

Mary's face tightened more. "Really Julia – sometimes you can be so immature… Bradley's just worried about you." Her eyes traveled to Hunter and back again. "And with good reason. You don't tell either of us where you were going and next I see you're biking around … do you know how dangerous it is on the highway? And bikes are so unsteady to begin with… you got me so worried."

Crazy accusations I could deal with, but Mary's guilt trips were another thing altogether…

"I'm sorry Mary I …"

"It's quite alright dear. Now, why don't we all go in for dinner?"

So my apology was accepted before I had even understood what I was apologizing for but Mary was nothing if not a pro at this. I rolled my eyes at the guys but only Hunter grinned and shrugged.

"Jules I wish you'd told me where you were so I could pick you up… please tell me you were wearing a helmet…"

God! The last thing I needed was a lecture on road safety from Brad but I wanted to argue with him even less. Sometimes I missed my cynical buddy. Ever since we'd started dating he'd become so … sincere about everything that it constantly made me feel, well, immature. I guess I should've been flattered and happy that he cared so much but all it did for most part was drive me crazy. And when it came to dealing with that creep Mike he would say my dislike was unjustified. If it was, so what? Really, hanging out with Hunter was so much more…

I stopped myself short before I went down that road. It was unfair to Brad to be comparing him to Hunter. I mean, they played different roles in my life and Brad definitely felt far more responsible for me than Hunter ever had… or did he? I couldn't help remember the encounter with Big Jack that afternoon or with Mike at the bar and yeah… Hunter had been there for me when I needed him. I shut my thoughts down firmly before they went on a tangent I had no interest in exploring. Hunter was a fun kid but that's all. I couldn't have expectations of him that he couldn't even fathom much less fulfill.

"So tell me how you met Sean… and about the business partnership he mentioned?"

Hunter and I had nipped away for a bit to get refills from the kitchen while Brad and Mary were both busy discussing a charity event at his hospital so I thought there was no harm in bringing up that topic with him.

He shrugged but the measured way he spoke told me that the words were important. "It was around the same time as Beth started…ah…declining. I'd taken to stealing cars out of the garage and just driving around the whole night pretending I didn't have to go back. Yeah so anyway … I had a run in with a gang one night and basically Sean and the guys stepped in and saved my ass from a major whipping. He sort of let me hang around after that and when I learnt that he was looking to expand his garage I put up some of the finance…"

"But weren't you a minor?"

He gave me a look that was both amused and sad. "Jules, I had learnt to forge both Carter's and Beth's signatures since I was ten … besides, there was always too much cash floating around."

I digested the information slowly. I had wanted to do the same to my father so many times – clean out even a couple of grand and let Mary make a new start somewhere but I'd just been too afraid.

"Weren't you…?"

"Afraid? Beth wasn't in any shape to do anything to me and Carter… I guess he had his reasons…"

"Who had what reasons?" Before I had a chance to ask Hunter anything, Brad came into the kitchen. "Mary and I were wondering where the two of you went… why this sudden urge for a private conference?"

Because your conversation was oh-so-inclusive and engaging that I was going to land face first in my dinner any moment, I said in my mind but chose to just shrug at him. We followed him back for dessert which really didn't get much better. I felt their rudeness all the more sharply for the surface politeness – I could still understand Brad (even if I didn't agree with him) but Mary? She was always so warm and yet with Hunter she was using politeness to deftly make him feel unwelcome.

Soon after, Hunter took his leave and was getting his helmet from the closet when I followed Mary into the kitchen.

"What's gotten into you today?!"

She didn't look up from scraping the leftovers together. "I don't know what you mean…"

"Mary – I bring a friend home today and you are so polite and… and… frigid that even the guy realizes he's not welcome…"

"That's because he's NOT!" Mary whirled around and looked as angry as I had ever seen her. "He's ruining your relationship with Bradley and you're too blind to see that…" Her face softened. "Don't expect sincerity from him Jules … he's got too much of his father in him. Somehow he's gotten you into his charm and you can't look past that but he's going to hurt you … and … I can't see that happen and not do anything."

I shook my head in disbelief. "You're wrong Mary. As much as I can attest to his character I know you won't believe me so I won't waste my breath. But I will tell you this – any problems between Brad and myself are our own doing. Hunter does not have, nor ever will have, anything to do with it."

Before I realized it, I had walked out of the kitchen and was out of the house before either Mary or Brad could call me back. I hopped on the bike and hoping I didn't sound as weepy as I felt, just said, "Take me home now."

He wordlessly handed me the spare helmet and did just that.

Chapter 30

"Guess what?" Hunter was standing in the kitchen while I sorted out the groceries, trying not to look utterly pleased with himself and failing.

"What?" I smiled at him. "Did Sean say you could drive Chiquita?"

In the intervening three weeks I had hung out with the guys again and had learnt that Sean never let anyone but himself behind the wheel of that beauty. Not that I blamed him but Hunter had cajoled so well that I could almost see that happen… almost.

He snorted in disbelief. "Jesus, you think I'd still be futzing here if THAT happened? Not hardly… but … I got into the Psych honor society…"

"Psi Chi? That's awesome!" I gave him a hug. "We should totally celebrate…"

"Nah. It's not something I want to announce to the world you know… but…" he continued before I could interrupt, "if you want to raise a congratulatory toast to me at your birthday party I wouldn't say no…"

Oh great, so we were back to that again. "Look Hunter I told you I don't want to celebrate my birthday… and before you ask why, wait till you reach your twenty ninth birthday and you will understand it too…"

"C'mon cher it'll be fun."

"So would a root canal."

"We can keep it small …" I snorted – like the alternative was even an option – "it can be just you, me, Chris, Mary and Brad." At the mention of his name my mood dipped. As if we didn't already have enough points of contention, hanging out with 'those criminals' had become another one. Mary was unsurprisingly completely with him but what came out of left field was Chris's response. According to her Hunter looked up to me – "more than myself" she'd added with a hard smile – and I should not be encouraging him to keep company like that.

I had never felt so at odds with almost everyone important in my life all at the same time.

"… or we could make it big and brash where you can lose yourself in a crowd…"

"As if I don't already have enough of that…" thank God at least I didn't have to watch every word in front of Hunter.

"Nah … it would take an exceptional crowd to lose you in cher – you stand out without trying."

"You know – a few more of these one liners and you can start your own business selling complimentary eight balls … you know the twenty first century version of the magic mirror…"

He gave me a wink. "You do know that the mirror spoke the truth right? So my market would be restricted to a single customer…"

"Jesus…" I could only shake my head even as I laughed.

"Tell me at least that you'd think about it…" he paused as if to consider his next words. It was so unusual for him to do so with me that I instinctively paid attention. "I know you've been at odds with all of them lately … mainly because of me and I don't … want it to be that way for you."

"Hey now – hold up… what ever gave you that idea?"

He just raised his eyebrows.

"Alright so maybe I've had a couple of disagreements with them but I don't want you to blame yourself. Trust me, I think it would've come to this regardless. It's just that over the past year I've been questioning a lot of things… after a long time … perhaps for the first time I'm in a place where I feel I don't have to do anything." He didn't say anything, just came and sat next to me. "I have always done what needed to be done for Mary and myself to have a good life but somewhere along the line I forgot to ask myself what the good life meant anymore. After my father died his company had collapsed. Since he'd never believed in life insurance we were pretty much broke…yeah, I know it's hard to believe that a stock exchange guru had not thought of leaving his widow and child a blue chip portfolio but there you have it. We sold off most of the art and Mary's jewelry and other stuff in the house and I took out huge loans for school. It was ironic but I was denied financial aid because of my father's assets. Anyway, grad school wasn't an option after I graduated and so I took up investment banking and then venture capital once the markets became better again and I didn't do too bad but I wasn't sure …"

"… if that was truly your passion?"

"Something like that… yeah."

"Well cher in my opinion you've done enough to ensure others' happiness – nothing wrong in taking out the time to go find yours. But happiness is something that is meaningless unless shared with your family and friends. So don't be too pissed with them – they care for you too."

He had me there. "So… what do you propose?"

"Invite them over for dinner."

I balked. Although living with Hunter over the summer had raised my non existent culinary skills to the point at which I knew the difference between a skillet and a broiler but whoa … cooking for people?

"Relax. I'll be there to help you…"

Actually the idea had its appeal if only for the shock value that my being able to cook would generate. And with Hunter there I was pretty sure he would save me from botching up the meal.

I offered him my hand. "It's a deal."

*

If I had known that cooking … proper cooking that is using the stove and a multitude of pots and pans could be so interesting and well … fun I wouldn't have waited out the first three decades of my life to try it out. First there was deciding the menu…

"C'mon cher you can be more adventurous than lasagna…" I read out my second suggestion, "But maybe not jump to soufflés right off the bat."

We decided on chicken marsala with herbed rice and squash soup. For appetizers he helped me put together canapés and we had honest to God lava cakes for dessert.

"Oh wow… I couldn't eat another bite." Chris was leaning back in the dining chair and trying to suppress a yawn. I couldn't have been more pleased.

"If I didn't know better, I'd have put you down for one of those super mom types…" Brad grinned.

"Bradley – are you trying to make her take two steps back again?" Mary interrupted him and turned a warm smile at me. "It was wonderful and … happy birthday."

She gave me an Omega. Although I'd always admired them, it had never occurred to me to buy one and I felt like thanking Hunter again for opening my eyes to how much they cared for me too. Chris got me an all expenses paid racing license instruction and a day at the car racing tracks and Brad had us all set for a weekend in Paris.

"Hey – you never got me a present…" I teased Hunter as we cleared the table later. Chris couldn't hang out after because she was busy on a major merger her group was working on and Brad had to drive Mary back. She'd had too much wine to drive herself but didn't want to stay the night at my apartment. Brad was going to head back and I was going to head out for a drink with him after so I thought I'd get the place cleared before he returned.

"I – " A loud honking disrupted what he was saying and to our annoyance it continued. I stuck my head out of the window to give the asshole who was making the racket a piece of my mind and stopped mid shout when I saw Chiquita with Sean at the wheel and a couple of the guys with him on bikes. I was equally embarrassed and pleased when they started singing an out of tune but rather loud 'Happy Birthday' right there in the street.

"Hop in… we'll show you a party…" Sean said when I hurried out of the building door.

I looked at Hunter a bit uncertainly. "Ah… my boyfriend is expected back shortly…"

Sean winged his eyebrows up at Hunter who shrugged. "Brad's an ok dude … I will vouch for him."

Sean threw open the door. "If Hunt here says he's ok, he's ok… hop on in legs and tell your guy to come to 'The Wild Hunt.'"

I hesitated. Although I usually let Chris pick the clubs because I was normally clueless about the 'in' spots, even living under a rock as I did, I had heard of the place. And although I didn't really care about going to name-drop-worthy places, Chris had made a big deal about the fact that Mike had gotten them in … and alright, I wasn't above the petty rivalry. Even though I found Mike too smarmy I didn't want him to be one-upping us always. I could let her assume that Brad had taken me there … and oh, what the hell, it was my birthday right?

I got to ride shotgun and even though it was the city, I loved every moment of the ride. I only got a little worried when I saw the line snaking way around the block and the implacable bouncers who didn't appear even remotely interested in the appeals of the scantily dressed group of blondes who were trying to uh… charm… their way in. Even though I'd changed into dressy top and nice jeans, I didn't have a patch on them. Just as I was wondering if Sean would be insulted if I questioned his ability to get us all in, rock face broke into a wreath of smiles. A bunch of fist taps and shakes later we were all in.

"How do you know the guy?" I asked Sean as we waited for a bit in an antechamber like place, waiting to pay I assumed.

"He worked with me for while before he got this gig… a friend needed a bouncer and I knew Rocky would do good."

Taking care of your own, I thought. No doubt I liked hanging out with him – I completely understood what that meant.

Hunter came towards us. "All taken care of…" He began to thread his way inside and didn't hear my "But where do we pay?" Sean did though and burst out laughing.

"What?"

"Ah legs – places like this are by invite only."

Okay. So Sean's connection got us in but I didn't think the bouncer could get all of our names on some exclusive list…

He seemed to read my mind. "Don't worry – Hunter's arranged it…"

"But how…?"

He gave me a small smile. "He owns the place." And wheeled in ahead of me.

Chapter 31

"Ouch!" Hunter winced when I pinched him. "What did you do that for?"

"You OWN the hottest club in town and you never told me!"

"Ah cher you should check your sources. I definitely don't own the place."

"But Sean said…"

"I only own part of it." He moved out of reach before I could pinch him again. "Hey, don't be so generous with me only – your dear buddy Sean also owns part of it so go threaten him…"

"God you guys and all your – oh wow!"

I must admit that when I'd heard the name, I had been expecting some jungle theme … palms, banana leaves, fake monkeys kind of kitschy-cute, hot for the moment stuff. What I hadn't anticipated was a black and silver sleekness that draped the place. The hall opened into a large stairway leading down to a packed dance floor where holo images of silver wolf like creatures seemed to be jumping into the crowd that was shouting 'Who let the dogs out?' at the top of their lungs.

"A house tradition…" Hunter shouted for me to hear.

The bar was highlighted at the other end by a backlit moon and howling wolf and the lounge area was elevated and running all around. It was covered by a bubble of soundproof glass and through it I could see Sean and the others chat up with some waitresses.

"So who are the other owners?"

We had gotten seated after dancing for a bit because I wanted to wait for Brad to arrive. Sean was at the bar and the others had gotten lost in the crowd although one or the other kept popping up to ask if I was tired of waiting already. I had never felt more popular in my life.

"The bank. Sean and I own two thirds of the business and the bank owns a third."

"Did you try for venture based funding?"

"In the beginning … but it was deemed too risky and later we decided we didn't want remote controls on our business…"

"Well, the banks aren't much better…" I felt the need to defend my ilk.

He smiled. "No offense cher but between the two devils…but enough about business." He pushed a small box at me. "Happy Birthday."

It was a silver chain and what I thought was a pendant till I looked closer and discerned it was a miniature sword with a ruby at the hilt – exactly like the weapon I favored for my online persona. My name 'Chaotica' had been etched at the back.

"Oh … wow…" I put it on as I turned to him. "I seem to be saying that a lot today…"

He caught my hand "As long as it's in conjunction with me…" and kissed the back of it. A hot flush seared my neck and ears.

"Um… Hunter…" The club had been warm but comfortable when we'd come in but suddenly it was cloying.

"I'm not drunk today cher…" he leaned forward till his breath was tingling my ear with warm tufts. "And I want to know…" My ears were thundering as the blood rushed from my mind … was this really happening?

"Know what?" Was that gaspy voice really mine?

"If you want to keep your hands off me…" He spoke the words right in my ear and I leaned back to see if this was some horrible joke. His eyes didn't give away anything. "Because I would really want you not to…" he whispered right next to my mouth before his lips touched mine.

All I could feel in that moment was how warm they were, how soft … how wrong.

I broke contact and pushed away from him. "Are you CRAZY?!" I got up on wobbly legs. "This is totally wr – " The words dried in my mouth as I looked up into Brad's impassive face a few feet from us.

"Please … don't let me interrupt." He turned to walk right out of the lounge.

"Brad – listen … it wasn't … I wasn't…"

"Don't bother Julia… please… just don't…"

I stood there and watched him leave, stayed not by his words but by the raw pain in his face when he'd turned back and the sinking feeling that I'd put it there.

Chapter 32

"No… I haven't seen him… why?"

It had been three days since the club fiasco and other than swearing off those wretched places for the rest of my natural life – dancing be damned – I hadn't seen or heard from either Brad or Hunter.

I'd taken a cab back and had tried all the way home to call Brad who'd refused to take my calls then … and had ever since.

Hunter didn't come back that night and although it made me twenty kinds of coward, I was happy simply avoiding him. Jesus, I didn't even know what to say, let alone how to say it. But when the doorman confirmed that he hadn't been back to the building in three days, I started getting a bit worried… and the worst was I couldn't really go to anyone with this problem either…

"Jules?"

"Huh?"

"I was asking you why you're calling me about Hunter?"

"Oh … nothing. I just haven't seen him around…"

"What? What do you mean… he lives with you!"

The insistent beep of call waiting saved me from going into the details.

"It's just probably work … listen Chris I gotta go…"

"Call me when he shows up… I'm gonna try his cell phone right now…"

"Yeah… ok." I switched calls to the unknown number thinking it may be Hunter.

"Legs?"

"Who's… Sean?"

"Yeah. Uh … listen… I know things aren't the best between you and Hunter right now. And no, he didn't tell me what happened but I can guess…but the guy could use some help right now. His … Beth – she took an overdose of sleeping pills…"

"She's committed suicide?!"

"No – I mean she isn't dead … they were able to get help in time and the doctors aren't sure if she took them on purpose or she didn't realize what she was doing."

She took them on purpose. Perhaps it was the short but depressing period of lucidity I had seen in her but my gut told me that had done so purposely.

"Anyway – I can't exactly show up there but he could … use a friend."

"Which hospital?"

"They're back at their place … you know… that mansion."

"Yeah."

"Good. That's all then." And before I could say or ask anything, he'd hung up.

Shit. One part of me wanted to drop everything and go to him … but things were just so weird between us right now. What if he didn't want to see me? Or worse, what if my presence disturbed Beth even more? Could this pile of crap get any bigger?

One glace at my buzzing cellphone gave me the answer.

"Hi… Brad."

"Julia. Do you have a moment?"

"Yes. Listen Brad…"

"No. Please. This time, you listen. I got a call – from Hunter and he told me that he was drunk and wasn't sure what he was doing … and that you stopped him."

There I had it. The perfect out. Tables could be turned, Brad could be apologizing to me and things would be great between us again. Except…

"No Brad, that isn't …"

"… the point. I know. I just… can't do this anymore Jules. As your friend I knew where I stood but now I just don't know… I find myself constantly comparing myself to another guy and I don't need that. I don't like being second fiddle and unfortunately that is exactly what I feel like … between the two of us you spend time with me because you feel you should and with him because you want to."

I was too sad and confused to say anything to him.

He sighed. "I hope we can remain friends… and as a friend I want to tell you this – if you want a shot at a relationship, figure out what this guy means to you. Because as long as you're with him the way you are, I doubt you can be with anyone else."

"Bye Brad."

"Take care Jules."

*

Three Cedars looked even gloomier at night. Or maybe it was just my mood. I had tried calling Hunter but he never picked up so there I was at midnight, turning into the private drive even though every instinct told me to go the other way.

"I know this sounds awful but I just want to turn around and drive away…"

I had told Chris about Beth and so the two of us had hopped out from work and driven to the estate and were now questioning the sanity of our actions.

"Let's get this over with…" I put the car into fourth and zoomed my way down the end of the drive.

"God … I always hated this place…" Chris shuddered as we waited to be let in.

Anya received us at the door.

"Hi Anya – how is she doing?"

Instead of answering me, she addressed Chris. "Ms. Carter, Mr. Evans is expecting you… he is in the library"

"Yes, thank you Anya." Chris crossed the foyer and disappeared into the hallway beyond clearly expecting me to follow.

Just as I crossed her, Anya whispered. "She's stable but … I think it was on purpose." She hesitated a moment and then added, "Mr. Carter is not doing so good."

I patted her awkwardly on the shoulder before following Chris. Why was Anya behaving so –

"How did you know her name?"

If she had turned at the moment she asked me that question, Chris would've finally found the loose thread to unravel the whole charade we'd played with her over the past weeks.

"Uh … you'd told me their names … and she looked like an Anya, no? I just guessed."

She might have said something but Hunter stepped from the library door right then.

"Oh Hunt!" she wrapped her arms around him and after hugging her back he looked up straight into my eyes. It took everything I had to suppress the sudden spurt of guilt mixed with embarrassment that bubbled through me.

"You came…"

"Of course I did!" Chris answered before I could, making me feel increasingly idiotic that I'd thought he was speaking to me.

He smiled – if one could call the upward movement of his mouth a smile – at her.

"Thanks."

He turned to me and when he took a step in my direction I was suddenly unsure whether to extend my hand in a ridiculous handshake (what was I doing there, negotiating a peace treaty?) or give him one of those 'there, there' pats or… hug him? He solved my dilemma for me because the moment he stepped into my personal space it was as though my arms just gravitated onto his shoulders and my body leaned in as if made to fit his by design. I could help my words even less.

"Just let go… I'll hold on."

"Uh… how is Beth doing?"

Even though I'd barely whispered, Chris's voice made be wish that I'd held my words for a more... private moment. And yes, that there was more urgent matters before I had one.

"She's resting now. They wanted to admit her … for a suicide watch. But she has never dealt well with institutional settings. They'd have to keep her medicated all the time… anyway, so I'll be here for a couple of days to watch over things."

"But how with Anya and Eveline did she manage to OD? Aren't they supposed to prevent that sort of thing?"

"They never suspected that she might do something like this. She's certainly never been suicidal before…"

"Oh come on Hunter! Don't start on that again… you can't deny…"

"I have told you before Chris – that time wasn't…"

I didn't know what this was about and I didn't really want to know. I had too many skeletons in my own closet to try and cram in another one.

"I – um … I'm just going to get some soda… anybody want something?" And I escaped before they had a chance to even ask for something.

"Hi Julia," Anya was sitting in the kitchen when I got there.

"Hi…" I wondered where she'd suddenly recovered her memory from. "Er…" Would it be more awkward if I asked?

"Mr. Evans' instructions. He told me and Eveline that we weren't supposed to recognize you in front of Ms. Carter… said you'd understand."

I almost did the duh slap on my forehead. Of course Chris had no clue I had been here before – never mind met her stepmother and her entourage. I wondered if I should explain.

"None of my business. And I like working here enough to mind my own…" Anya suddenly popped me a sly wink. "Although you and Mr. Strand do make a handsome couple…"

"Oh Jeez! Look Anya… it isn't like that…"

"What isn't like what?" Eveline came in almost on cue.

"Julia and Mr. Evans…"

"Anya – that is none of your concern." If she hadn't suppressed a smile at those words I might have even believed the reproachful words.

"Anyway – " I wanted them off that topic ASAP. "Tell me how this happened?"

The spark in Eveline's eyes died but she resolutely met my stare.

"It is of course our fault. Beth had been much more lucid lately… since your visit really that we didn't notice when she took the key to the medicine closet. She told us at her usually nap hour that she wanted to go sleep and we didn't check on her till about twenty minutes later when she knocked over a vase in her room…"

"So you think it was a suicide attempt then?"

They exchanged a glance.

"No. I don't think she genuinely wanted to take her life." Eveline hesitated a bit before she continued. "Beth needs constant attention and she can go to quite an extent to get it…"

"But you and Anya…"

"Not from us. No, I'd change that to not only from us but primarily from her son. Lately he's has been spending less time with her – a healthy move on his part I'd say, but it rankled with Beth…"

"But you said that lately she'd been very co-operative… wouldn't it be the other way round if that was the case?"

"I feel that her recent behavior was the first reaction – the 'see I'm being so good' way to seek attention. And when that failed she went on to more … drastic measures."

"I see. So what's the solution?"

"I have recommended to Mr. Evans that he have her institutionalized but he refuses to hear of it. So I guess the only other thing is to beef up the staff here – unless he plans to move back."

Like hell I was letting him do that. It was like burying himself alive and I was not letting him martyr himself for her.

"Eveline – do you know if she's attempted suicide before?"

"No… not exactly…"

"What do you mean?"

"There was an incident some time back. It was mentioned as an accidental overdose in her case file though … and Mr. Evans doesn't exactly encourage enquiry into the incident."

"An accidental overdosing? By whom?"

Eveline looked uncomfortable but I couldn't let this go. The pause stretched to an uncomfortable silence before she met my eyes.

"By her son – Mr. Evans."

Chapter 33

Would I have covered up the same way for Mary? Definitely. But Beth wasn't Mary… although perhaps in Hunter's eyes she was. Still, didn't he realize that it was dangerous to her for him to cover for her that way? But clearly she'd been institutionalized at some point and that hadn't gone too well… oh jeez, what a freakin' mess!

I looked over at Chris who was intently staring at the road ahead and gripping the wheel in a way that told me she was upset about something. We were driving back to the city – Hunter had refused to leave, at least for the moment.

"You need to talk to him. About Beth – she needs to be institutionalized."

"Uh – I can try Chris but I don't think – "

"Oh he'll listen to you… more than he'd listen to me at any rate."

"Why do you think that?"

"The guy totally has a crush on you."

I was glad I wasn't driving because I'd have crashed at that point. How in hell's name did she know?

"Jesus, Chris – what the hell are you talking about?"

"Jules, you might be blind in this regard but I'm not… ask Brad if you don't believe me."

I looked out of the window. "Ah yes, Brad… we aren't exactly seeing each other any more…"

"Oh Jules… I'm so sorry."

I turned back to her.

"Sorry but not surprised…"

"Well, ok – you were just not giving him enough attention. You spend an equal if not greater amount of time with Hunter."

I wanted to smack my head against the window. "I saw the guy every couple of days – which considering that both of us are working long hour jobs isn't easy… if he needs more 'attention' that's his issue – don't drag Hunter into it."

Chris sighed good and hard. "It's not like I'm saying that you reciprocate his feelings but don't turn a blind eye to what Hunter feels for you."

Jesus. And all this before she knew that he'd kissed me. Since there was no way I wanted her to pull that interesting factoid from me, I stared out of the window hoping she'd drop the topic.

"He told you about Beth didn't he?"

"Huh?"

"Hunter – he's already told you about Beth … her illness…"

"Yeah."

"He usually doesn't talk about it … even with me. It took him a good three months before he'd told me how serious it was."

I wasn't about to explain that I'd actually met Beth I had to satisfy myself with, "It was more of an accident than intent on his part." I realized then that there was a great deal that Chris or Mary didn't know about my life … especially as it pertained to Hunter.

"The fact that he was comfortable enough with you to drop his guard says enough in itself."

Not that their lack of knowledge stopped their speculation. Did Mary also think that Hunter and I were … that he was…?

"I don't know." Chris's reply told me I'd spoken my question out loud. "But I'd bet in the affirmative if that time you'd invited him for dinner was any indication."

Great. That was all I needed to complete the party. I had a boyfriend who'd broken up with me, a best friend I couldn't confide in, a mother who was concerned and a guy who was … what was Hunter to me? A friend sure, but not just a friend. I wish I could follow my usual modus operandi and simply duck and hide till he got disinterested and disappeared from my life. Only that even I couldn't ditch the guy at a time like this – no matter how awkward things were between us and something told me he wasn't one to shrug his shoulders and walk away.

All in all, I was glad when we neared my office and I could at least bury my personal entanglements for the time being, if not shrug them off altogether.

Chapter 34

"So when do you plan to move out?" Hunter didn't even ask me why I was leaving earlier than originally planned and I hoped it was because of the situation with Beth and not … the situation with us.

I was finally making the dreaded call but I had my excuse and exit strategy neatly in place. Hey, I hadn't done high risk finance for so long without learning anything…

"Um… like another two, three days. Do you think you could drop by before that to uh… take care of stuff?"

"Yeah. I'll be by tomorrow."

"So…" now was the supremely awkward moment of our conversation and I tried to assuage my feelings by telling myself that worse was yet to come when I spoke with him face to face. Perhaps not the best way to go but retaining my 'queen of awkwards' title had always been a natural instinct. "How are you doing?"

"Beth is much better… I think she doesn't have any idea of what went wrong so I think it might have been an accident."

I took a deep breath. This was not the time. Tomorrow, I promised myself.

"Uh-huh… but how are you doing?"

"I'm alright. Anyway, I have to go – I'll see you tomorrow."

I was too surprised to say anything but a mumbled 'Bye' as he hung up on me. This, in my memory was the only conversation I'd had with him where he hadn't even attempted being facetious … and had ended the conversation before I was ready to.

I tried to tell myself that at least I had gotten him out of that damned mausoleum but the victory seemed too small in comparison with the daunting task ahead of me. I had decided to have an honest to God chat with him about life – in particular his life and the role Beth was playing in it and where it would head if she continued in that role. Cooking up nitroglycerin in the kitchen might be safer…which was exactly why I had decided to leave from work a week early and go with Mary to Europe. The last trip we'd taken together had been too long back. She had been so surprised and happy when I'd suggested it that I decided to put off telling her about Brad till we were on vacation. I told myself that it was alright because my motives to arrange this trip had been pure – atleast to begin with. Anyway, between strategizing how to counsel Hunter and telling Mary about Brad not to mention that small thing called work, I could use any help I got.

I couldn't resist pinching the bridge of my nose. The headache was coming on already.

*

"Wanna grab a bite to eat before you head out? Carrot cake maybe…?" I hooked my thumbs in my jeans as Hunter signed the last of the paperwork. In the past half hour between meeting the landlord and helping me haul some stuff into a rental I'd seen him check out the time at least three times. I didn't want to ask him straight out what his rush was so I just asked him to stay a bit longer hoping he'd give me a segue into the spiel I had prepared.

He pause and then smiled, his first genuine smile since he'd gotten there. "Claire's?"

"You bet." And before he could open his mouth, "I know, I know you outdo them but sometimes second best carrot cake is as good as it gets."

"I know Chris has talked you into this but I've just about hashed it out as much as I care to with anyone. So before you waste your time you need to know my mind is made up."

"O-kay then… that rolls a huge weight off my shoulder. Here I was, worried that I might have to ruin my appetite – and an excellent slice of carrot cake over you – but that's great then. Good for you that you know what you want." And I went back to pulling out plates and cutting slices of the cake that I'd had special delivered for today. Every difficult conversation needs sugar to keep going.

"So that's it?" His voice was suspicious and laced with incredulity. "No big lecture, no advice on how I should not be throwing away the best years of my life…?"

"Best years of your life? Hardly. C'mon, don't you think it would be kind of pathetic if the best years of ones' life were those they spent in constant anguish about determining who they were… and not really reaching a conclusion about it. And nope, I don't care for lectures or advice – I suck at taking it so I don't dish it out."

"Why are we here then?"

"Because …" I tried thinking of something on the fly but my glibness deserted me with it's usual guile and I found myself saying, "I've missed hanging out with you. I've missed playing endless videogames and talking and laughing. Not to mention it's painful to go back to my own cooking…" I added the last comment to make light of what I'd said but he was clearly not having any of that.

"But it's the last weeks of summer Julia – once your classes start and you're busy with that and with Brad…"

Good thing I was on the honesty binge because hiding the flash of anger he sparked with that comment would've been a real bitch.

"Do you think our friendship is a summer diversion to me? Do you think that being in a relationship or having classes makes my friends less important to me? Jesus, I expected to find you stressed but not that the stress had addled your brains!"

He looked up from staring at the still- untouched desert lying between us.

"So what you're basically saying is that you missed me…" and then gave me the first genuine, cocky, irritating, beautiful smile I'd seen from him in a while.

"Now I feel like my brains have got to be addled as well…" I grumbled but without much heart and dug into the desert.

"… because I've missed you too cher. I've missed you something bad."

My breath snagged as I remembered with aching clarity what had happened the last time we were together. He seemed to sense it as well because he was concentrating on the plate in front of him as if it would, at any moment, levitate.

His eyes were serious when he spoke. "But I meant what I'd told you. I have to do what's right … I can't just dump everything and wash my hands off."

I took a moment to chew and consider what I wanted to say next. "Okay. I'm not going to try and talk you out of anything… but first, could you tell me what I'm trying to talk you out of?"

"I'm moving back home."

"Are you taking a year off or dropping out?" I said it with as much nonchalance as I could, not like I wanted to shake some sense into him.

"Nothing that drastic… I will commute everyday."

"It's a good hour each way…"

"I'll manage."

Alrighty… maybe another tactic was called for.

"How exactly does it help for you to be at Three Cedars?"

"Beth is happier – more… together somehow when I'm around. Plus it wouldn't hurt to have another pair of eyes to watch over her."

"So basically it's to give emotional support right? Coz you've already hired additional staff, right?"

"Yeah – I'd say that sums it up."

"But have you considered how much you'd be able to provide anyone support when you'd be tired and stressed out from the constant pressure of time because you'd be spending a precious lot of it shutting up and down?"

He stiffened but didn't shut me down. "I told you – I'd manage."

"Hunter," I waited till he looked up at me, "I know all too much about duty and commitment and I can tell you from experience that the best of intentions will come to nothing if you're not practical about it. Beth depends on you – but so does Sean, not to mention your employees and now even Chris. But above all, I think you have the duty to yourself to… be happy." I shook my head. "Before you say it, I know it sounds like a bunch of hokey but – "

" 'The hardest thing to do is doing what you really want to do' huh?"

I smiled. "Yeah … something like that."

"So does it work? Does doing what you want to make you happy?" his low tone told me that he actually wanted me to answer so I had to think about it. Had doing what I wanted to made me any happier? Could I say that I was happier than I had been a year earlier?

"Frankly, I don't know … I'm a bit new to this whole deal as well. But I can tell you this – I have laughed more, enjoyed more … lived more than ever before."

We finished up in companionable silence.

"When do you leave for your vacation?"

He'd helped me clean up, packed some of his own clothes to take back with him and was about ready to leave.

"Four days from now."

"When'll you be back?"

"Classes start in about a month so I'll probably move back in a couple of days before then."

He hitched the duffel higher on his shoulder and took a half step towards me. Instantly, a rush of confused emotions roiled up and I held out my hands almost to keep them, and him, at bay.

"Hunt – I don't think it's…"

He caught my outstretched hands in a warm clasp. I thought I saw a flash of pain and tried to mentally prepare myself for a mutually awkward moment waiting for him to bring up the events of my birthday night. Instead he just pressed my hands in a grip that wasn't urgent but quietly insistent and waited till I looked up.

"It's not just you who values friends. Our friendship means a lot to me and I don't ever want you to feel … uncomfortable around me for any reason." He blew out a breath. "I could say I'm sorry I kissed you – but I'm not… I am sorry however if it caused you any … embarrassment."

A fleeting memory of Brad standing in the crowd surfaced in my mind.

"Yeah…" I snorted, "did it ever…"

He winced and looked apologetic for the first time. "I can't change the past though … and I don't want to lose my best friend."

I visibly rolled my eyes even as heat stole up my neck. "If you are stuck with me as your best friend you've got serious…"

"Jules," he interrupted my litany, "just come here." And enveloped me in a bear hug as if he was seeing me after ages and hadn't just sat for the past hour with me. I let my head touch his shoulder – just a bit and a compulsion so strong hit me that before I realized it, I had turned my cheek to the faded cotton of his t-shirt. I had never smelt any expensive cologne on him but if Hermes could bottle the hint of laundry detergent, the whiff of soap and the cool, clean smell that was just him, my nose told me they'd have a winner.

"Christ…" he muttered and sent warm tufts of air near my ear. "You smell so good…" his words ended as he moved his head and moist warm breath touched my neck, sending tiny shivers down my back. "I have all the good intentions and then … I just smell you and it's like my brain shorts." He'd moved again, pressing closer till I could feel his lips move against my skin and his bag fell down with a thunk. I wondered for a split second how it was that being around him always took me on a roller coaster ride before he pressed an open mouthed kiss at the base of my neck. I gasped and all thoughts cleared from my head save that I needed to know … to complete what we'd begun that other night.

I let my fingers furrow through his soft hair but as if reading my mind, he lifted his head before I tugged and then his lips were on mine again. He teased, rubbing gently as he angled his head but that stopped after I tasted his bottom lip and nipped lightly.

He tasted better than he smelt – sweet from the desert, a hint of cardamom, some nutmeg … vanilla … peppermint? I probed deeper for a taste and he used that moment to pull me against him and feeling him hard against me zapped like electricity through me and I arched … only to hit my head against the painting at my back and send it crashing to the floor.

I barely heard the crash because my senses which had simultaneously dived into me set off a five point alarm.

"Shit!" I wrenched myself away and turned my back to him, too mortified to speak right then.

"Why do you keep denying what's between us Julia?" his voice was low but with an undercurrent of frustration and anger I couldn't ignore.

"Oh this is rich – " I laughed mirthlessly, "isn't the fucking problem more than apparent to you?" I made a rude noise when he kept quiet. "There is no way this will end but badly…"

"Why would you think so?"

I finally turned to face him. "What are you? Naïve? Or just plain stupid? If the age thing itself isn't a big enough problem – you happen to be my closest friend's brother … when this ends, which it no doubt will, things would never be the same again between Chris and myself."

"Is it just my naiveté," he stressed with a note of sarcasm on the word, "or have you missed the most important reason of all? The one that goes along the lines of your wanting me as much as I want you? Shouldn't that be the basis for determining if we should be together than this myriad of so called 'reasons' you seem to be stuck with?"

"I don't want you Hunter."

"Liar. Even if you deny your own feelings you can't deny me mine – and I do want you."

"You don't really want me…" the words were brutal and it hurt to say them but they had festered long enough and needed to be purged. "You want an … experience. You're just sick of immature twits like Melissa and going in for someone older might seem like a good idea now. But it won't remain so … we're in different situations of life – we want different things…"

"You aren't sure what the hell you want out of life – don't try to presume about what I want."

His remarks stung more because of the truth in them and I let fly my next words with the sole intention of getting back at him.

"I may not know what I want but I sure know what I don't want – I don't want you. You're a kid … a freakin' undergrad for crissakes and I have no intention of becoming a laughing stock or the latest fodder for the rumor mill…"

His face was tight with anger and hurt. "I think you've said enough. But yeah, I was pretty wrong about assuming one thing – that behind the voice that speaks of one's duty to be happy there was a person brave enough to grasp that happiness. You're nothing but a coward after all."

He was gone before I could think of a response. Damn! How had things turned so bad so fast? With hands that were almost shaking, I went and poured myself a glass of water wishing it was something stronger. Suddenly I thought of our conversation earlier … was I truly more happy? God, right then I wished I had never left work because I understood where that life would have lead me – a partner's chair and a hell of a lot more work. Monotonous, I know, but right then I craved the safety that the monotony afforded. So was it true what Hunter said? That I was too scared to really live my life?

"No – I'm not a coward dammit. Never a coward!" I yelled the last and flung the glass at the wall where it shattered.

Chapter 35

"Jules! I'm so excited!" Mary pulled me into a hug when I arrived at the house the next morning. I'd preponed my arrival, telling her that I'd wrapped things up sooner than I'd anticipated.

She looked genuinely excited and her unadulterated joy made me relax for the first time since the encounter with Hunter yesterday. I returned her embrace.

"Yeah – I know, I'm really excited too. It's been too long – "

"What happened to your hand?" she pressed over the gauze bandage and I winced with the pain that shot through my hand.

"Nothing major – I cut myself…" Although smashing the glass had been cathartic, cleanup had been a literal pain. I'd sliced my palm on the glass and it still throbbed like a bitch.

"Oh no – did you need stitches?"

"I don't think so."

She looked back, concern mixed with exasperation. "You mean you haven't shown it to a doctor?"

"I don't think –"

"That's right. You don't. It could be deep and get infected if you don't get it shown. Anyway – go sit in the family room, I'll have Brad come over right now."

"Mary, that's really not –"

"Oh he wouldn't mind. As your boyfriend, that's the least he can do … and then he can join us for dinner."

The pain in my hand was momentarily drowned by the panic that overcame me at the thought of having Mary call Brad.

"Mary – no! You can't call Brad. If you want, I'll go and get it shown tomorrow but let it just be today."

She didn't say anything but fixed the look on me. It took me almost ten minutes to break down – a record of sorts, really.

"We're … not exactly together any more."

"You broke it off with him?"

"No, he did."

"Oh baby…" she came and pulled me into a hug. "How are you doing?"

"God – I'm confused Mary… I'm so confused."

"It's going to be alright. You'll figure it all out. Right now, just put it out of your mind and think happy European thoughts."

I smiled because she expected it. She patted me and returned with a glass of wine for herself and a beer for me. As she handed it to me and started speaking of the museums she wanted to visit in London I couldn't hold back any more.

"So that's it? You aren't upset? No ultimatums to get the great Bradley Shaw back in my life?"

She sighed and put the wine aside. "I'm more upset that you'd think I wouldn't stand by you, that I'd expect you to go chasing something you didn't want. Bradley's a great guy – but if it didn't work out, it didn't. I just wanted you to be with him because as long as you were with him I wouldn't have to worry about your being with… never mind."

"No – tell me, with whom? Hunter?"

"Jules I don't want to fight with you about that."

"What's so wrong with him Mary?"

She did a double take as though she wasn't sure what she'd heard.

"You mean other than the fact that he's a kid?!"

I winced internally but met her gaze straight on. "Other than the age thing, yeah, what else is wrong?"

"He's just too…"

"What?"

"Like his father."

"Carter you mean? But –"

"I know what you're going to say – that he isn't his real father but Julia the guy lived with him through his growing years. He hasn't escaped the influence…"

"What makes you so sure? It isn't like you really knew…"

It was only momentary but I noticed the stricken look that flashed through her eyes.

"You did, didn't you? There is something you aren't telling me Mary…"

She didn't reply, just got up and head to the wine rack and refilled her glass. As fast as my curiosity had arisen, it abated under the guilt about hounding her.

"Listen, I'm sorry. You don't have to –"

"But I do." She sighed and came back to sit down next to me. "I more than knew Morgan Carter – he was the first man I slept with."

"What?!"

"It was before I met John – you remember I'd told you once that I'd felt like a kindred spirit with him because we had both been involved with … people not suited to us?"

Meaning my mother. I shook my head at Mary's delicate phrasing. From what I knew – and remembered of her, my mother had been charming but utterly selfish and completely self absorbed. And from what I'd heard of him, Morgan Carter fell into the same category.

"Yes… so you mean you'd been involved with Carter and he was a real prick to you?"

"Something like that, yes. I met your father through him and when he … left, I asked John for help and he gave me a job at his firm."

It was hard to picture my father in the role of the chivalrous knight but on the other hand, it was easy to see him take advantage of a young, lost girl and make her feel beholden to him.

"Anyway – the reason I tell you this now is because Hunter reminds me so much of Morgan in his younger days that I worry their similarities might not just end in their mannerisms."

I wanted to assure her it wasn't the same – that I wasn't an inexperienced kid getting involved with my first guy but I didn't want to throw that in her face especially since I had a nagging feeling that Carter had done more than break her heart.

"Carter hasn't shown much kindness to Hunter and his mother either so the guy hates his guts. If anything, I'd say he strives to be the absolute opposite of him."

"Family history again… Carter's father apparently had been abusive as well. And although that might explain his behavior, it doesn't excuse it. Anyway, you won't be dating an undergrad anytime soon so it's a moot point…"

"Yeah – so it is."

Chapter 36

"So … back to class in two days huh?"

I was helping Chris load a cask of wine that Mary had shipped for her from our impromptu foray into the wine country in Spain. It had been exactly what I'd needed – three weeks away from Brad and Hunter with nothing more to worry me than how much time I wanted to spend sightseeing or which restaurant I wanted to eat at. All the same, I was looking forward to some routine and exercising my mind again.

"Yup – I'll probably drive up tomorrow though."

"By the way …" She spoke again with a nonchalance that told me that she was feeling anything but. "Thanks for what you did."

I was puzzled. I knew she liked wine but that much? "Oh… no problem – Mary chose the wine anyway. You know I don't really have much of a clue…"

"Not the wine silly! Hunter."

I couldn't control the sudden increase in my heartbeat. Had he told her…? No. She would hardly be thanking me.

"I know it might have been a bit awkward for you but just as I'd thought, your speaking to him worked. He's going to be back in New Haven … I couldn't talk him out of spending the weekends with her but atleast he's not entombing himself in that house."

"Yeah, well – don't mention it."

She gave me an odd look. "Don't mention it? I thought you'd hijack my car for the better part of this year … where is my opportunistic friend and what have you done with her?"

She was kidding, I knew, but I couldn't help flinching. "Do you really think I'm that cold?"

She was frowning now. "No. Hell no! I was just joking … what's wrong? Did someone say something?" Her voice grew angrier. "Did that idiot Hunter say anything?"

"No… nothing like that."

"But he did say something didn't he?"

I didn't reply. There was no point. So she spoke again. "If it makes you feel any better, he's not been much happier…"

"That's because of his mother." And wounded pride, I added silently. But it was nothing that wouldn't mend itself and nothing I could – would do anything about.

Chris looked like she was going to protest so I cut her off.

"Look, Chris, just… let it be. I spoke to him because you wanted me to and it served the purpose. The rest is not up for discussion."

She looked in equal parts surprised and worried that I'd be shutting her out but she nodded and took a deep breath.

"Anyway, Mike asked me to move in with him."

"Oh."

"See – I knew you'd be like that…"

I held up my hand. "I was just surprised because I've never seen you serious enough about someone to consider moving in with him. But if you're happy with him – I'm really glad for you."

She opened her mouth, then shut it again.

"Yes, I'm happy…" her voice was low, making the sincerity ring truer. "I never thought … but he's truly wonderful to me. And we both share similar goals…"

"If he is what you want – then I'd say you should go for it… grab your happiness with both hands wherever you can find it."

She gave a small smile and shook her head. "I didn't think you'd be quite so amenable to the idea. I was expecting …"

"A tantrum?"

"Well …" her smile was broader now. "I'd have called it 'resistance' but basically…yeah, a tantrum." She sobered up again. "This'll sound weird but you know, you've … changed somehow."

I shrugged. "Like how?"

"Like someone who knew only black and white seeing shades of gray."

I winged my eyebrows up. "Well, you know how Mary and you keep harping on me to expand my color palette…"

She laughed and accepted my light response. "Yeah, who knows, we might have you become a Technicolor girl soon…"

"Heaven forbid." And I joint her in her laughter.

*

Classes began and I found myself taking more corporate law classes than any other and I faced the inevitable truth – I was certainly not heading for a career saving the world from vicious criminals. Nope, it was going to be money, money, money all the way – my summer back at work had told me as much. Perhaps Bernard was right and I would take them up on the offer of return when I'd finished.

I shook my head and decided to take a scarf. Fall had been unusually cold and I had to walk longer to Professor Locke's class which had been moved to the psych department building, a farther walk than the previous year.

Even so, I wasn't really complaining – maybe when it was snowing I would, but not then because it was taking me to the parts of campus I hadn't gone back to since my undergrad days. And … it made me anticipate running into Hunt again. The guy lived a flood above and I couldn't make myself go knock on his door and yet I thought about bumping into him with a kind of anxiety laced anticipation.

Too much time on my hands, I told myself as I crossed the street. Joining the corporate law journal had definitely been a good move. The work had kept me from loneliness – as I knew it would and the company was surprisingly not all that bad. A guy from the group had asked me out … I had to remember to call him back.

I nearly didn't notice her leaving the psych building as I was entering it, but Melissa's face contorted into a scowl so heartfelt that it made me uneasy. The unease passed by the time I reached the section room only to be replaced by a wave of actual worry when I found the place empty except for Professor Locke.

"Um – professor? Did I get my schedule wrong?"

Worry and something altogether bitter laced her voice. "No. Please take a seat Julia. I had to speak to you urgently and I cancelled the section…"

I sat down. "We could've spoken afterwards … you know I –"

She cut me off. "It is regarding your ability to teach the section."

By this point, I was totally lost so I waited for her to elucidate.

"There has been a very serious allegation regarding the propriety of your behavior towards the undergraduate students…"

"What?!" Even the worst of my naked-in-front-of-the-class dreams had never been this shocking.

She took a breath as if readying for the worst of it. "It has been brought to my – and the academic committee's notice that you were supposedly using your position as a TA to exploit certain students emotionally and uh… sexually."

I'd have said 'What?!' again, except I was too stunned.

"There shall naturally be a detailed and swift enquiry on this issue but till when they're concluded … you are to discontinue any teaching assignments."

"Could you tell me… who accused me?"

The moment the question was out I realized how silly it sounded.

"No. At this point we cannot divulge anything. We will be in touch shortly and you would be receiving a written copy of the allegations and proceedings."

I wanted to tell her it was utter rubbish – and more than that I needed to hear that she believed in me but I knew better than to ask.

"Right. I will see you later."

"Julia … I – I'm sorry." I had picked up my books and was heading towards the door.

"You should be."

I closed the door softly behind my back.

Chapter 37

I hung up for the second time that evening without leaving a message. Both Chris and Mary's phones were going to voicemail and there was nothing I could say to a machine right then.

I took a deep breath and set the electric kettle boiling for some hot chocolate when I noticed my hands were shaking. I forced myself to concentrate on every detail of the task as if my life depended on measuring the exactly right amount of sugar.

Once I'd gotten some warmth and a hit of the sugar rush I opened up a notebook. I wrote down the names of all the students in the class currently and the previous year and noted down every single interaction I'd had with each – no matter how minor and tried to objectively analyze if and how any of them could have been deemed inappropriate.

Soon, I had ruled out all of the students from the current year simply because I had hardly spoken to any of them – and never outside of class. The previous year was tougher but ultimately there were only two names left – Melissa and Hunter. I recalled how she'd looked coming out of the psych building and I knew … I knew in my gut that she definitely had something to do with it. The question I worried about was whether Hunter was in any way involved…

I picked up my keys and strode out, determined to speak to him but when I reached the door I wondered what I'd do if – and in all probability when, he denied any knowledge. Would I be able to believe him? People always want vengeance an insidious voice in my head told me and wasn't this the perfect opportunity for him to get back at me?

Oh please! I banged my mug down in the sink and told myself not to become a drama queen … people didn't go around slandering somebody just because their pride got hurt. On the other hand, he wasn't just somebody, he was Morgan Carter's son and that bastard would've gone to any extent to wreck someone for slighting him. My mental ping-pong soon became a throbbing headache and I ended up taking a sedative and going to sleep.

*

"PSYCHED OUT!" screamed the front page of Rumpus – the on-campus tabloid that I picked up the next day in the coffeeshop on my way to class. "Psychology department TA under investigation for sexual misconduct," it read and although there were thankfully no pictures of me with the article, nor any mention of my name, I couldn't stop the flush that crept up my neck. Instead of going to class I ended up back at my apartment when my cell phone rang.

"Ms. Strand… This is Dean Read. I wanted to inform you that there will be a hearing with the academic and disciplinary committee on Monday at 4pm that you'd be required to attend. Also… I don't know if you're aware but a campus publication has unfortunately gotten wind of the incident. You can be assured that there will be no comment from the administration and all measures are been taken to keep the proceedings quiet."

"Measures like preventing it from being plastered all over the campus tabloid?" I could help the sarcasm even less than the accusation rife in my tone.

"We are making all efforts to track down the source and make the paper publish an apology."

I wanted to brush her off with a rude comment but there was something else I wanted more. "Is it true what the paper said about the complaint being that I'd taken advantage of my position to seek sexual favors from a male student in my class?" So far my information had come from the article and I needed it to know whom I was up against.

She hesitated a bit. "Yes. That is true."

"I see. I will see you on Monday."

My mind was spinning when I hung up. Hunter… it had to be Hunter. No other guy in the section had ever even had a private conversation with me. I sat down, feeling sick. How could he…? I forced myself to breathe evenly to prevent the crying jag I felt coming on. A part of me refused to believe it – it went against every notion I had of the guy. No. There had to be some other explanation. I noticed that I had absently been circling Melissa's name on the list … that had to be it! Once I found out exactly what the bitch had been saying, I would be able to disprove it quickly enough.

The ring of the cell phone cut through my thoughts again. It was Chris.

"Oh God Jules, I heard about what happened… are you alright?"

"I'm ok…" I wanted to collapse in relief over having someone to talk to but then the confusion cut through. "Wait, how did you know?"

"Melissa – you know, Hunter's ex … she told me about some article out in the Rumpus. Has he…?"

"I don't know." I sat down with a tired sigh. "Frankly, I won't know any details till Monday when I have to meet with the disciplinary committee."

"Shit."

"Yup that pretty much covers the situation…"

"Jesus Julia when will you ever listen?!" she sounded in equal parts worried and exasperated like this was somehow my fault.

"Huh?"

"I had told you … he's striking out now because he's hurt…"

And that was enough to break the dam on the temper I'd been tamping down on. "What the fuck are you saying – that I hurt him?"

"Not deliberately, I'm sure but you shouldn't have encouraged him in the first place. He … he might think you're being a tease…"

"Have you lost your mind? Wait – don't answer that, I know you have – just tell me how…?!"

"Can you honestly say you've never led him to believe that you might … reciprocate his feelings?"

"I have never –" My voice cut out as I remembered him bending towards me in my campus apartment … the club … our place in the city…

"Never mind – I will speak to him."

"Save me any fucking favors." And I hung up, too stung that she might just be right.

Kicking my poor abused sofa into further submissiveness didn't help and I was too restless to do any work. Finally, I decided to go stay with Mary for the weekend. Although it was strange that she hadn't returned my calls the previous night, perhaps it was better to have a one on one chat with her anyway. If I left then, I'd be in time for dinner and right then a hot meal and a sympathetic ear was more than enough motivation for me.

A couple of hours later I let myself into the house thankful that I had a spare key and slightly worried at not finding Mary at home. I called again and this time she picked up. She apologized for not getting back to me but she'd been busy with the annual charity dinner for the children's hospital who's board she sat on. I tried to keep my tone light but she caught on that things were far from okay and told me to sit tight and that she'd be back as soon as possible.

I sorted some mail lying around, signed for a Fed-Ex package and later nuked some leftovers from the refrigerator trying not to think about being alone and utterly failing. It got late and instead of turning in for the night I decided to get the fireplace going and wait for Mary. As is, I knew that lying in bed was not going to help me sleep.

*

"Why don't you get something to eat…?" Mary's voice sounded strained the next morning when I padded into the kitchen still wearing my clothes from the previous night that I'd fallen asleep in on the couch.

I dutifully poured some OJ into myself wishing I could drink in courage the same way.

"Mary , I wanted to tell you –"

I stuttered to a stop as I turned to see the ripped FedEx package on the kitchen table and a copy of the Rumpus in her hands.

"Tell me this isn't true Jules…"

"Tell you what isn't true – that I'm being implicated in a harassment case or that I did it?"

She sank into a chair, her face leached of color. "Oh Julia…"

Great. Just the reaction I did not need to deal with then. "Jesus Christ in heavens above, how is it that you don't even pause before jumping to the conclusion that this accusation would be true?!"

"Because if there was nothing between you and Hunter, why would this even be happening?"

Ah yes, the million dollar question indeed. I dragged in a tired breath and sat down myself.

"I don't know as yet if it is indeed Hunter who has leveled the charge against me…" Well, I officially didn't know anything so that much was true. Mary's snort told me she'd bought the story with as much conviction as I'd sold it.

"I can't believe it!" She sounded angry and her voice rose. "Even when that bastard," I winced on his behalf, "has done something like this you still try to protect him." A note of almost desperate hysteria entered her tone, "This smacks of too much coincidence … history repeating itself. I had done the same for Carter – believed in him, trusted him, defended his non-existent honor right up to the point when they …" she cut off abruptly as if catching herself at the edge of a precipice.

"When they what Mary?"

"Never mind. This is not about me – this is about you. Get away from him Julia before you get truly hurt. This," she tapped on the paper, "will seem like nothing then."

"You can't save people from themselves." I mumbled almost by rote.

"No, but when you love someone you try all the same."

She gave me a small, sad shake of her head before she left the kitchen.

Chapter 38

After the fiasco over breakfast I couldn't make myself stay for another round of explanations. I drove back from New York sick at heart. First Chris and now Mary? How could they? How did they ever believe that Hunter and I could – would…? I told myself that if nothing else, I'd see the end of this sick and crazy speculation but somewhere on I-95 my determination became resignation and then pure weariness. Who all did I have to face and defend myself to?

On the radio Snow Patrol asked me if I would want to lie there and just forget the world and at that point, nothing sounded better than doing just that.

I got off the elevator thankful that I'd reached home and wanting nothing more than curling up in bed for the weekend or maybe the week or better yet, the month. Any possibility of realizing even a part of my fantasy disappeared when I turned into my hallway and saw Hunter leaning up against my door.

I pressed my hand to my head as if to expunge the image of him waiting there for me from my mind. "Not now Hunter…" He said nothing but even with my eyes closed, I could sense him glaring at me. At the very thought of having him blame me as well made the back of my throat tickle raw with tears. I swallowed them so that my voice would sound normal when I spoke.

"Look, I …" I looked up at him and found him closer than I he had been before. I shook my head and made a final jab at not collapsing into tears. "Hunter, I'm so…"

"Shhh…" his voice effectively muted me and I stood woodenly as he took another step and just draped his arms around me and neatly tucked my head on his shoulder. I stood stiffly in his hug for a moment and then the last bit of self-preservation slipped away from me. The horribleness of the past few days descended with all its weight straight to my chest and my eyes poured out the emotions that had been battering my emotional dam.

He didn't get embarrassed or offer me a tissue or tried to move me to my apartment. We stood there, in the corridor with my bag at my side where it had dropped and my expensive linen jacket getting crushed against him as I made a big gloopy mess on his shoulder.

After about twenty minutes he said, "It's totally cool with me but I think your neighbors are being held virtual hostage in their apartments because they're too afraid to step out and interrupt us in the hallway."

I smiled a bit and stepped back to that his arms fell to his side and then I picked up my bag. "What will I do next?" I hadn't meant to say that out loud, much less in a quivery voice marred with anxiety and trepidation. He pulled the bag out of my hands and draped the other arm companionably over my shoulders. "For now cher we will go in and make the most of a Saturday afternoon to forget the world." I had the weirdest sense of déjà vu as the lyrics of the song I'd been hearing earlier repeated in my head like the soundtrack to the movie of my life and suddenly I went breathless with the thought of lying with him and forgetting the world.

*

"It has to be her." I scooped the last of some great scrambled eggs and picked at my plate as I mulled aloud. "The phone call to Chris, the package to Mary … but I can't figure out why?"

Hunter took the plate from me before I got started on the pattern. "What exactly is the accusation?"

"Oh that I've sexually harassed and exploited a student in the class."

"And you never took me up on all my offers …" he winked, "now I'm hurt."

This was the first time anyone had treated the whole thing as it was – completely ridiculous.

"But is that all you know?" His tone had become serious again.

"Yeah. I have to meet with them on Monday… guess I'll find out more then."

"When they called you and asked you to appear before the committee, what did they say exactly?"

I thought back to the conversation I'd had with the Dean. "Uh – she said that the administration was not going to comment to any publication and were going to try to hush up the Rumpus article … and then she confirmed that basically I've been accused of giving out grades for sexual favors."

"In that case they'd only have to see you and know that you don't need anyone's favors"

He'd made me smile again. "…And who's the fairest of them all…?"

"Why didn't you call me Jules?" I'd been expecting the question but that still didn't leave me with a ready reply.

Because I was afraid that if you had turned out to be involved in this sick charade I'd never be able to believe in anything or anyone again.

"Did you think I'd had anything to do with it?"

He stated it so starkly that one part of me wanted to deny that I'd ever doubted him and reassure him of my utter unwavering faith. The other part wanted him to know the truth about what sort of person I really was.

"I had hurt you Hunter. You were pissed with me and things hadn't been left on a good note between the two of us… and people always want vengeance. It's just the degree to which they'd go to seek it which differs."

I expected him to rant and rave and tell me that he didn't deserve to be suspected of doing something so horrible. He came and stood in front of me, body rigid with tension, and placed his hands on my shoulders, waiting till I looked up at him.

"I understand about not being able to trust people easily but I do trust you and I hope that you'd be able to say the same to me … if nothing else, trust me on this – I will never do anything that I know would hurt you."

If he'd told me that he'd never hurt me, I wouldn't have believed him. But this was a solid promise, sincerely given and I answered equally simply and sincerely.

"Thank you."

He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. "Now we go and annihilate that bitch."

I pulled away a bit. "What makes you so sure it's her?"

"Something like this would be Melissa's calling card … and she was mad as hell about not making it to the honor society."

"Jesus Hunter – that doesn't mean…"

He interrupted me. "Not to normal people, no. But she's on the extreme side of the normal spectrum at best and a narcissistic sociopath at worst. I can bet you that after the preliminary proceedings tomorrow, I will get called in subsequently … she wants to show that a relationship outside of the classroom for us was the reason I was getting the grades I did…And since we would not be able to deny knowing each other in a capacity other than a student and a teacher her accusations would be hard to disprove…"

I shook my head at her sick genius but looked at him at his next words.

"…unless she admits tomorrow that she was motivated by jealousy and falsifies her own claim."

I rolled my eyes at him. "And she would do so because…?"

His smile was so cold, so hard that I hoped I was never the object of it. "Because she will soon realize that pulling you or me down will take her so deep into shit that it'll take this lifetime for her to dig out of it. I'd told you I had no problem being as much of an asshole as I needed to be and Melissa is about to find that out first hand."

"But how…?"

"Just let me take care of it cher… every guy needs to play the white knight atleast once in his life."

I might've argued just on principle but the truth was that I was too wrung out and yes, too thankful that someone was able to actually take care of the shit situation. "Alright then Sir Hunt I challenge thee to a duel on yonder Playstation. Best of three – and if I win you tell me exactly what you're planning to do."

"And if I win…?"

"Name thy terms!" I gave him a mock salute and went to hook it up to the tv.

"Would you forgive me?"

I gave him a 'what-the-hell' over my shoulder. "Forgive you? For what?"

"For causing your breakup with Brad."

"Listen Hunter, although what you – we did was not right, you can't blame yourself for the cracks that were already appearing between Brad and myself... you couldn't do anything about the fact that he didn't trust me or that I didn't do enough to earn his trust."

"Are you two…?"

"No." I leaned my head against the couch. "Brad was right you know … the first time we'd really talked he told me we could never suit… wish he'd listened to his own advise."

"The way I see it, Brad's a great guy … just not great for you."

But you are. I snapped my attention back to the screen but the dratted internal voice had done its damage and he easily beat me. It was early morning by that time and for the first time in days, I found myself relaxed and nodding off.

"You should hit the sack … you look exhausted."

"Yeah." I nodded but the thought of lying alone with my thoughts made me reluctant to see him leave.

He sat down next to me and took my hand in his. "It's gonna be ok, you know that right?"

I let my head roll back sleepily. "But what if it doesn't? What if I get tossed out Hunt?"

"So what?" his thumb slowly stroked the back of my hand. "You'll go make a killing at the stock market and then in a sweep of philanthropy gift it all … to Harvard."

I laughed as he'd intended and let my eyes close. Just for a second, I told myself, I'll just lean back and relax for a second….

*

I woke up in the early afternoon in my bedroom. Hunter was nowhere to be seen but he'd left a note on my bedside table telling me that he was going to be back later that evening and that there was French toast waiting in the oven.

I sat up in bed and blinked around. There was a pile of bedding – sheets and a blanket that were carefully folded and placed at the base of my bed. Had he slept there, in my room, barely a couple of feet from me? A flush of heat ran through me and I shivered in delicious contrariness.

I pushed out of bed and padded towards the kitchen. Should I even bother pretending indignation? I understood now there was no point in denying to myself that I was terribly attracted to him and as for Hunter … I think he understood what was between us before I did.

No, the question I pondered over my breakfast was whether I should do anything about it. What would be the harm after all? The worse had befallen me already and I had done nothing more than kiss the guy and considering that he would graduate and leave in another couple of months, why not enjoy ourselves? By then, I was sure that our lust would've spent itself and we'd be able to part on easy camaraderie and Mary and Chris would get over it… eventually. The real question was whether I could indulge in my desire without feeling guilty, Humbert Humbert-ish, or worse still, falling in love…? Okay, this was me we were talking about so the last wasn't really going to be a problem … but the others…

I turned on the television to provide some soothing background noise and went back to mulling. It wasn't as if we were ever really going to be a couple in public – not at the business dinners or those godforsaken charity events where people lined up to pay for the privilege of being called privileged and trade gossip with more fervor than a stockbroker on a bullish market. For a moment I smiled at the image of landing up with Hunter at my side… whoever of the country club circle missed that dinner would regret it for a long time.

But I wasn't even sure that he still … wanted me in that way. He'd been supportive and kind but he hadn't even tried anything else. I sighed. Nope, this time the onus would be on me to tell him that even though I hadn't figured everything out I'd definitely sorted out the part that let me tell him that I wanted him. And then if he were to say 'you're too late' I wouldn't deserve anything less.

The doorbell rang and I tried to think of how I'd put what I wanted to say into words. Of course I had to go into brain freeze right then but my self derision was wasted because it was Chris at the door.

She handed me a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food and stepped inside.

"I'm sorry Jules… you needed a friend and I jumped down your throat. I thought you'd be at Mary's but when I called she told me that the two of you had … fought."

I didn't trust my voice so I went and put the ice cream in the freezer.

"You aren't gonna have even a bit…?"

I realized she'd have thought I'd be starving.

"No… I had breakfast. French toast."

"You made French toast?"

I had to smile at that. "No. Uh, Hunter was here…"

I waited for the tirade but she smiled instead. "Oh good! I'd spoken to him earlier and was so relieved that he didn't have anything to do with it. He'd sounded so pissed over the phone though that I thought he still hadn't gotten over his wounded pride."

I could only shake my head at that. "Trust me, it's not his pride that's going to be wounded." She gave me a funny look but I didn't bother explaining. "Anyway, we think it might be Melissa."

"What? Melissa? Why?"

"She's… not exactly stable and she took a violent dislike to me, almost from the get-go." There, good enough explanation without going into the details.

"Anyway, I'm going to stay here today and I'll come with you tomorrow."

"But your work…"

"Is second to my best friend in crisis. But you're gonna owe me big for spending the one day of leave I have earned after slaving for five years in some stuffy academic building."

Chapter 39

"Okay, okay – I'm ready. I was just checking I had Will on speed dial." Hunter, Chris and I were going to my 'trial' as I called it and Chris as usual was running late.

"Who's Will?" Hunter asked as I motioned to Chris to hurry up.

I answered as Chris checked that she had the number. "He's one of Chris's exes and a hotshot attorney. She's told him to be on standby incase things get nasty and I need legal counsel."

Hunter nodded his head. "Great idea." And then when Chris was out of ear shot he added, "It's not going to come to that cher. Trust me."

I nodded but the truth was I was nervous. We were walking because parking was virtually impossible to find on campus and besides I needed the time to let my stomach settle.

"Now do you remember what you're going to say?"

"Yeah." My throat was dry, making my voice raspy. "You haven't done anything … illegal, right?"

"Lets just say that things will remain very legal as long as she recants her statement today."

I'd been trying since he'd returned the previous evening to get him to spill the details but he was adamantly quiet. All he'd told me was that I should be clear in my denial of her accusation and he'd had a statement prepared for me. I'd made some modifications but basically kept it the same. We'd told Chris that the initial hearing was more of a formality where I was given the details of the charges and could deny or accept them. Detailed questioning would happen later.

"Sweetie it's going to turn out alright. They'll see they made a mistake…" Chris dropped back next to me and looped her arm through mine. Hunter took the other. It was as though they'd woven me in a protective net that would be there to catch me if I fell.

When we reached the dean's offices they wouldn't let Chris or Hunter in. Too little space and too many people already with the disciplinary committee there. So after a last reassuring squeeze I went in alone, my head held high.

The key members of the committee were introduced but even though I'd scanned around twice, I couldn't see Melissa. Oh my God! What if we were wrong and she had nothing at all to do with this mess?

"Ms. Strand, it has been brought to the attention of this committee that your behavior violates the dictates of the student-teacher relationship. You were said to encourage relationships outside of the classroom and based grades on your relationship with your students."

"No disrespect Dean, but that is the biggest load of bull I've heard in a long time."

"Ms. Strand such language –"

"Who the hell is making these accusations? Whom am I supposed to have favored or disfavored?"

"Ms. Strand, we do not disclose details about the complainant to protect them against possible intimidation."

Before I could open my mouth and give vent to my anger again, there was a commotion in the hallway and all our heads turned at the crash of the door to see Melissa burst inside. She looked like she'd been crying.

"Melissa! What are you doing here?" Professor Locke all but shot out of her chair.

"I had to … I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" she broke down into near hysterical sobs.

"There, now… nothing to feel sorry about."

Oh yeah, right … and why not give her a license to kill while we're about it? Although mentally I had all but tossed her out of the window into the busy street below, I kept my expression even.

"Professor … you don't understand." Tears shimmered in her eyes making them appear like some virgin mountain lakes and she bowed her head after she made sure everyone knew of her anguish. "I never thought … it would come so far."

"What do you mean child?"

"When I spoke to you – I didn't want anyone to get into trouble…"

"It's not trouble Melissa but the university is bound to take action."

"But I love him!" She said it softly, and if I didn't know better I'd have thought the words were wrenched from her heart. The rest of the audience certainly thought so.

"I thought she would hurt him … and so I did all this to protect him."

This time I couldn't resist. "Care to explain your self sacrificing move?"

There was barely a flash of it but I saw the venom in her eyes that told me, oh yes, this was indeed the Melissa I knew and hated.

"Hunter left me saying that he'd found someone else and I thought it was Julia and so I – I …"

"Registered a false complaint against me that I had been partial based on whether the students put out? You're so bloody sick!"

"Ms. Strand, please do not interrupt and kindly mind your language."

"But you showed me a petition with other student's signatures…" Professor Locke's voice was thin with shock.

"I… um… I got them under false pretenses"

"I think we've heard enough. Ms. Strand you are free to leave. The disciplinary committee will take appropriate action against Ms. Hewitt for falsely accusing you." Dean Read's voice rang strong and I stood up, daring anyone to make an objection.

I didn't bother looking back at the three ring circus still unfolding behind me as I walked out. I made my way to where Hunter and Chris were sitting on benches on the other end of the hallway but Professor Locke caught up to me before that.

"Julia – please wait. I can't begin to tell you –"

"Save it professor. You should've known better than to have bought into her story … hell, while I was TA-ing I never even had students write their names on their papers. Remember? I wanted to be as impartial as possible and still…"

"For what it's worth – I'm sorry. She came in so distraught…" she shook her head, "and she had this petition signed by a number of students in the class. I didn't know what to think."

I shook my head and walked away. At least I could do that to her… Mary, who hadn't called … hadn't believed … her I couldn't even walk away from. Before I fell further into my depressing thoughts, my cell phone went off.

"Hi Mary –"

"It's me Jules." Brad. What the hell? "Mary told me about what has happened…"

Great. Now he was there to go a round at me.

"Brad, this is not a good time –"

"I believe you. I know you would never do something like that."

I closed my eyes and let his words just sink in.

"Thanks Brad… it means a lot to me that you called to say that."

"Listen – if you need any help … legal or anything…"

"No. I mean, it was a misunderstanding … and you know these stupid college rags…"

"Oh good. That's … good."

"Brad … I – ah, I'm sorry about the way you felt. I mean, I was never out to compare you to anyone or make you feel bad…"

"And I'm sorry that I accused you of cheating on me. I don't think we're meant to be a couple but I should've known you wouldn't do that…"

"I'm glad. And Brad … I'd really like to be friends again."

"Yeah, so would I."

"Stop by whenever you're going to see your parents next."

"I'll do that. Take care Jules."

I made my way to Chris and Hunter feeling much peppier than I had been a few moments before. They turned to me as one and I was suddenly struck by how similar they looked… their coloring and eyes but more than that, something about the way they walked and talked.

I ran the last few steps and they pulled me into a double hug. The relief of having the whole thing behind me was so immense that it coursed through my blood, palpable as a drug. I stood back, telling them what had happened – or rather trying to because Hunter was staring at me so intently that it kept throwing me off. And then, before I could finish, he pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed me hard, right there in front of Chris and the whole damn world.

"I'm glad you're ok … I needed you to be ok…" he whispered softly.

I shot a panicked look at Chris and back at Hunter who looked at me as if nobody else existed and I knew what I had to do. I turned to face Chris.

"I need you to talk some sense into him."

I felt Hunter stiffen behind me, a slow rage tensing him.

The look Chris shot him was one of pained humiliation that her younger brother had been chasing her best friend like a lovesick puppy.

I realized then that I was living one of those moments – the few in one's life that truly lie at the crux of diverging destinies. This was my set of sliding doors and everything in me screamed against letting them shut in my face.

Propelled by that unseen force, I came to stand between them – my back still at Hunter and forcing Chris's attention back onto me.

"I want you to warn him off me Chris because I want him too much to do the right thing myself. I want him like I've never desired any other person before and if he doesn't back away now, hell or high water will not stop me from taking what he's offering."

After fighting against myself for so long, it was a relief to let the desire wash away any remnants of guilt. When I walked away without sparing either of them another glance, I knew I'd hurt Hunter but in that I'd also absolved myself of the responsibility of keeping him away from me. And though my actions might have permanently rid him of any feelings towards me, my gut told me there was a fair chance that we would end up in bed tonight.

Chapter 40

I stopped at the pharmacy and my favorite candle store. I picked a firewood fragrance – spicy but not so heavy that it would envelope our own scent. For that is just what I wanted to do – press myself along the curves of his throat and simply inhale him, touch him in the many little ways I'd imagined and had an insatiable itch for.

I lit the candles almost as soon as I got back and barely had time to perfunctorily tidy the room before his sharp raps sounded on the main door. I lowered the volume on the rock CD that had complemented my jangled nerves and opened the door.

I couldn't help but be struck by a sense of déjà vu when I saw him standing at the doorstep as I'd first seen him there – a backpack swung carelessly across a shoulder; wearing a battered intra mural sport tee shirt and a cocky half grin that tugged a response from me until I gave in.

Still, I waited for the final assurance from him. Years of living by the rule that one did not sleep with the much-too-young siblings of their closest friends needed more than a gentle nudge to be pushed aside.

"Well?" I stood blocking the doorway, not letting him catch sight of the candles or the clean laundry.

"Stop pretending like you didn't expect me to be here."

So he was still angry.

So naturally, I had to push him further. "I'm not. I'm just waiting for you to tell me why you're here."

"You need me to spell it out?"

"Yes."

"OK then…" And he stepped up, jerked me close to match my hips to his and whispered in my ear, "This is why.." before he kissed me.

Somehow, I'd always pictured myself in the role of the aggressor and seeing him take the lead jarred my mind with the thought that seven years younger or not, this wasn't just an inexperienced boy I'd tangled myself with.

It made me a little less sure, a little less confident about how things stood between us and he pressed forward till we'd backed into the apartment and the door had shut behind us.

The slam broke us apart but he kept his hands proprietarily over my hips so that I was still pressed against him even though we weren't kissing anymore.

My voice sounded breathless when I finally spoke.

"I guess this means she wasn't able to talk sense into you."

His hands had slipped under my t-shirt and were making warm strokes along my back. He kissed me and the side of my throat, right under an earlobe that I'd never known to feel that sensitive. I gave a small gasp.

He smiled and reached upwards to flick open my bra even as he softly enquired, "Would you have wanted her to?"

His hands, following the loosened elastic, had moved to my front and deliciously cupped my breasts.

I responded by nuzzling his throat and biting around the birthmark there that I traced with my tongue.

"For your sake, I wish she had; for mine, no."

He looked at me then, grinning as he replied, "Funny, that was what my response had been."

I hitched up against him and wrapped my legs around his waist.

"Then what are we waiting for?"

And at that moment I forgot all reason, forgot why this was a bad idea and could only think that it felt so good.

He had the most amazing touch … like he was savoring every moment and like every inch of my skin that he felt with his hands or mouth was a discovery. It was almost as if … oh my God!

I stayed him where he was patiently kissing circles around my navel and tugged till he looked up.

I wasn't quite sure how to ask him so I just launched in before I lost my nerve.

"Hunter … you have … done this before, right?"

He slid up and kissed me deep before replying.

"Are you asking me whether I'm a virgin?"

For a moment I felt stupid about even thinking that he might be. But then there was something about the way he's answered that made me wonder if he wasn't trying a little too hard to appear nonchalant.

And oh hell, I'd already made a fool of myself so what did I have to lose?

"Yes, that is what I'm asking…"

He stopped nuzzling me but didn't roll off. His eyes had darkened perceptibly so I knew he was serious even though he smiled.

"Would that be a problem?"

There it was – the million dollar question. It had taken me this long to accept our attraction so did it make me somehow more debauched if it meant his sexual initiation? He was going to lose his virginity sometime so why not with me than some random party hookup? I kissed him back.

"No, if that is the case, I'd be honored."

I put my hand between us and started unsnapping his jeans but he stayed me again. "As much as I'd liked to have been with you the first time I have to let you know that I have had some … experience." He looked so serious as he made the proclamation that my heart tripped a bit. Considering that he'd never slept with Melissa and they had been dating for a good half year, I wondered how many women he'd been with. Two? Three? One? Oh the sweetie – he didn't want me to feel that he wasn't up to my experience little knowing that I was almost as inexperienced as him. For the first time I felt that my bedmate actually considered his prowess less than mine and the burst of confidence that produced in me combined with my lust and made me giddy.

I hooked my legs around him, tilted and rolled us over so that I was straddling him. I bent and kissed the side of his throat.

"It doesn't matter." And really, he'd already made me feel so good that I didn't care if I came or not.

"I want you to know that I've always been careful and am in perfect health." He was panting a bit and although I was very glad that he'd practiced safe sex, I had lost interest in conversing. I palmed him through his half open jeans and when he groaned I bent and whispered in his ear, "I can see for myself how healthy you are…" He began pulling up my t-shirt and I helped and within seconds it was gone. He pushed up while I was tugging at his and when it was off we just sat staring at each other. He brought his hand up but instead of bringing me closer for a kiss, let his fingertips feather over my eyes, my nose, my lips and when I stretched into his touch, down my throat and shoulders, making his way lower.

"Finally," he said and kissed my clavicle then grazed with his teeth and made me shudder with want. He licked, hot and wet over my breast and I arched to make him touch those throbbing points that ached for his mouth.

He spoke right over the peak of my breast, his words sending tufts of warm, moist breath over it. "Do you know how many times I've thought about this? How many times I've fantasized doing … this?" At some point he had unclasped my bra because as he spoke the last word, he took it between his teeth and pulled it away from my breast and replaced it with his mouth. I cried out and became utterly damp between my legs. My jeans abraded against increasingly sensitive flesh and holding on to his shoulders I ground against him, greedy for more sensation. He pushed down until we were skin to skin and my back was flat on the bed and leaving my breast with a final lick he kissed his way down, pulling my jeans as he went. I was finally naked but instead of lying back and letting my partner set the pace, I scooted out from beneath him and pushed him back. "My turn," I said pulled his jeans and boxers off, blowing on his aroused head as I tugged them lower. I touched him again and he felt both hard and soft. He was built but his chest was almost hairless and I rubbed my cheek against him loving the smooth tautness. He growled something I didn't understand but I shimmied up and kissed him as I rubbed myself along his length – shoulder, abs, hips and legs, loving the way we fit together.

He pushed his hand between us and brushed intimately against my swollen and damp flesh. "I want to see you." His body slid down and his hands gently pushed my legs apart, revealing me to him, making me feel vulnerable and somehow more … naked. He kissed me there and I gasped. "Do that again …" he said, "Please. I've wanted to hear you do that for so long…"

My breath hitched as he continued his exquisite torture and I stopped trying to hold back and moaned his name again and again. I clutched at his hair. "Hunter, stop… I'm going to come."

"So come…"

I stayed him before he pushed the hair trigger I was riding. "Not…ah… not without you the first time…"

He braced himself on his arms and I shimmied down. He slowly rubbed himself along me so that only the head of his penis slipped in and out. I couldn't take it anymore – something ripped inside me and I bucked, bucked and drove myself up as I caught his hips to press him down.

"Julia!" he cried out my name as I took him in so hard inside me but even that was not enough to satiate the wild needing he had combusted in me. I scratched and clawed as he moved and spurred him harder! Harder! And when I couldn't stand it anymore I bit him on his shoulder and tasted him in the most primal way as our pleasure condensed to a single blinding point and then erupted in a manner that a whole new universe was born for me right there.

Chapter 41

I had turned into a wildcat. There was no other term to define what I'd done the previous night. I blinked at the sunlight filtering in through the curtains and even in the dim light I could see the scratches – and oh, shitfuck – were those actually teeth marks that were bruising on his shoulder? Oh God – the guy comes to me expecting a suave and experienced woman and what do I give him?

I was about to snuggle back into my blanket and pretend sleep till he'd limped out just so that I wouldn't have to see his horrified expression when he saw how I'd treated him but then I got up with a snap. Shit! What if he got tetanus or something? Had he had his shots? Would it be too late to put some topical antibiotics?

Oh God, oh God, oh God – I scampered to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and pulled out a couple of bottles of this and that and hurried over to put them by my bedside. I supposed I could clean up the worst of … there was no other way to say it – his wounds … but the antiseptic wipes wouldn't keep the swelling down. So I ran to the kitchen and returned with a tray of ice.

I gently cleaned the area of where I'd bitten him and he mumbled but didn't wake up. The area was a bit swollen though so I took an ice cube and placed it right on it.

He got up with a start and then smiled slowly when he realized I was sitting naked with an ice cube right beside him. "Hmm… ready to play again?" He made a grab for me but I slithered off the bed. That was when he noticed the meds and bandages over the night stand and a slightly perplexed frown creased between his eyes. "You wanna role play?" he asked a bit unsurely.

The possibilities of that bounced like crazy pin balls in my mind but I firmly brought my gutter brain back to the situation at hand.

"Um… no. They are … for you. I well – I sort of got a little carried away last night…"

He pushed himself and sat up in bed. The bed sheet slipped to his waist and my gutter brain came sniffing out again and had to be rebooted into its hole.

"A little? You were like a wildcat or something…"

I winced at the reminder. "Yes, I know, I saw your shoulder. I'm so sorry – I don't know what came over me…"

"Stop." He sat up and came to the edge of the bed where I was sitting and before I could stop him was kissing me crazy again causing a major battle between my id and superego.

"I LOVED that I did that to you … that you were so wild and crazy for me." He sniffed a little. "Wait … are those antiseptic wipes?" There was a funny edge to his voice. Maybe he hadn't realized what I'd done as yet. Mutely, I nodded and pointed to his shoulder. He took one look at the bite mark, another one back at me and then started laughing so hard that he rolled back on the bed.

"It's not funny Hunter. Hunter! Do you know if your tetanus vaccines are recent?"

He laughed harder. "This has got to be the first time I have EVER heard of something like this happening…"

I frowned at him. "Well excuse me for not knowing the protocol but I don't normally claw and chew up my bed mates you know. I saw…" I gestured to his shoulder, "that … and I got worried. You really should go to emergency medicine and ask them to give you something for it. Do you need painkillers?" God, how embarrassing was that?!

"Here, give me the ice," he said and when I handed it to him he held tight to my hand and tugged till I fell back into bed with him. "Let me show you a better use for it…" And he did.

So it wasn't until a couple of hours later that I managed to call up my gynecologist's clinic (when he was in the shower and not there to laugh at me) and she told me that yes, getting updates on tetanus shots was a good idea even though there was a smile in her voice she couldn't hide or didn't bother hiding.

"Alright. I have it all arranged," I announced as he came out of the shower.

"What, food?" he asked hopefully, as he pulled on his boxers and t-shirt.

"Well, I can arrange that too but this was your tetanus shots." Before he could say anything I held up my hand. "I spoke to my doctor and she said that that was a good precautionary measure."

"Yeah but it's evening already and if you think I'm spending hours waiting in the ER…"

I felt smug. "Ha! I knew you'd say that so – no ER. Brad's coming over to give you a shot."

"Brad?!" he couldn't have sounded more horrified had I told him it was his mother or sister who were coming.

"He IS a doctor you know. And before you say anything – no, I didn't tell him the specifics of your … er… injury – I just told him that you got hurt and were advised to get tetanus shots."

"You ARE crazy you know." He stepped around and tugged me to him. "And thanks for being that crazy and caring that much." I blushed and he dropped a kiss on my forehead.

The doorbell rang. "That must be him…" I gave Hunter a look over my shoulder. "Behave, ok?"

I heard his soft laughter follow me as I opened the door.

"Oh thank God you're here Jules!" Chris bounded into my living room looking worried. "Do you happen to know where Hunter is? We had such a bad fight last night and then he just…oh!"

Hunter naturally had to choose this moment to come out of my room. Oh hell, better she find out sooner than later, I thought.

"Hi Chris," his voice sounded distinctly cooler. "You were looking for me?"

"Are you … were you…" she sounded lost and fragile and I wanted her to understand so I placed my hand on her shoulder.

"How could you?! How could you Julia?!!" the raw anger and hurt on her face made her look like someone I wouldn't recognize.

"How could I what?" on one hand I was glad that she wasn't angry with Hunter but I couldn't figure out why she had turned on me.

"Don't patronize me… you don't think I can tell that you – you and Hunter – he's a kid Julia! What were you thinking? Or wait, were you thinking at all or you just let out your fuckin' repressed hormones?"

I was hurt by her anger but I didn't say anything because I was still confused.

"Oh please… don't give me that look! You knew what you were doing – he's a kid for goodness sakes!"

"No, no I'm not Chris. I'm a consenting adult in this matter – hell, I'm more than the consenting adult – I've wanted this far more and far longer than Jules ever did and am sure happier that it did happen."

But she was in no mood to listen. "He's too young for you! My younger brother for fuck sakes?! Couldn't you find someone else to make your boy toy?"

"Enough." She could say whatever she wanted about me – after all, it wasn't like I hadn't leveled the same things at myself, but I could not, would not, allow her to cheapen my relationship with Hunter. "You've said enough Chris. I think you need to leave now. You're welcome back when you're ready to accept what's between us and understand that it is a consensual relationship between two adults."

She strode to the door and opened it. "Well, I guess I'm not coming back then. Just you wait Julia – he will grow up and realize you're too old and then you won't have me – or anyone – patting your back." She slammed the door on her way out.

"Well that certainly was… interesting So, can we order pizza now?"

I nodded dumbly and went to sit at the kitchen table. After a moment he came and crouched in front of me and held my hands.

"She'll come around cher. You were like my personal white knight there – protecting my honor and all…and so I have to reward you with a kiss. After all, isn't that what the fair maiden does?" He teased a small smile from me and his lips were gentle, just brushing across mine until all I could think was 'more.'

"This fair maiden doth teaseth too much," I said and captured his laugh in my mouth as I touched my tongue to his. When he tried to break our kiss a few minutes later I tried to hold on. He nipped me on my ear.

"Insatiable wench. 'Tis the good doctor come to call…"

"Whazzat? Who?"

He stood up and walked to the door. "Hey, all that tetanus shot business was your idea – I'd rather have continued doing … other activities."

Oh, great – I was flushed and definitely looked, ah, aroused and Brad had to land up. Fucking perfect. So I took the coward's way out and ducked into the restroom when Hunter opened the door.

"Hey Brad," I tried to look nonchalant as I re entered the room a couple of minutes later. "Thanks for doing this. You want coffee or something?"

"Sure," he said, tapping a syringe full of something. Then he capped it and put it aside. "Add in a touch of Bailey's for flavor." I told him I already knew that he liked Irish coffee and he turned back to Hunter.

"Hunter, I need to take a look at your injury. If you got bitten you might need rabies shots as well."

I quickly put the water to boil and darted back into the living room. "Ah.. I'm sure he doesn't Brad. It wasn't quite that bad…" I didn't look back at them but I knew Hunter had to be grinning. The bastard was enjoying every moment.

"Jules, I'm convinced that you're a very smart and intelligent woman but a doctor you are not. So, let me do my job here. Was it a bite Hunter?"

"It most certainly was Doctor…" I could've beaned him with the coffee can.

"Well then – you heard me. I need to take a look."

"It's of a personal nature Doc." I didn't have to look at Hunter's face to see the unholy gleam in his eyes as he said that.

"Well ok," Brad sounded a bit perplexed, "Julia can go wait in the room?"

I unplugged the kettle and flounced to my room. "Hunter can get you that coffee."

I slammed the door and pulled the pillow on my head so that I wouldn't have to hear their conversation. I tried to ignore the knocking on my door some ten minutes later but it was incessant. "Come out Jules – Brad wants to speak to you now. It's my turn to wait outside the boardroom."

Oh hell, I guessed he wasn't going to leave without speaking to me so I dragged myself to the living room and glared at Hunter as I passed him by. He caught and kissed me right there in front of Brad and mortified me even more.

Brad had packed his stuff and his coffee sat untouched. "Why did you lie to me Julia? When I asked you … you told me that Hunter and you were not involved that way…"

I didn't have to justify myself to him, I thought, and the embarrassment evaporated in a flash of anger. "I never lied to you Brad. We weren't sleeping together then."

"But you are now." It was a statement but he made it sound like a question. I didn't know which I would've preferred.

"Yes."

He picked up his stuff and moved to the door. "While the circumstances are still different I would still ask you to consider what I'd said then. Don't get involved in games that'll leave you bleeding Jules … he will hurt you."

I was seriously mad now. First Chris and then Brad – Jesus! "Why Brad? Why will he hurt me? Because he is Morgan Carter's son?"

"He. Is. Too. Young. For. You. Get it?"

My voice was tight with anger when I spoke. "I am not having this discussion with you. Thanks for stopping by."

He shook his head, "Oh Jules…" and then opened the door and left.

Chapter 42

"Maybe you should think about it."

I gave Hunter the look that said he was out of his mind. "No fuckin' way." But I was still curious. "Would you?"

He looked up from the couch where he'd been reading some Chaucer for class. Unlike me, he enjoyed literature and had a natural flair for it.

"Knowing what I do, I'd think about it."

I went and nudged him over and sat down with my own reading. "Meaning?"

"Melissa can be very convincing with her act…" he pushed a hand through his hair which had started growing out and gave me a rueful smile. "Hell, I should know it."

I cut him off because the incident still made me so mad. "But at the end of the day she didn't trust me and so she doesn't deserve my trust back." Even though a few weeks had passed since the hearing with the disciplinary committee, Professor Locke hadn't taken on a new TA and kept calling me asking that I finish the semester. Good-fucking-luck to her with that.

"A no redemption sort of person then…"

I looked up because I wasn't sure by his tone how serious he was. "Absolutely."

Then he smiled and tugged at my hair playfully. "Remind me never to get on your wrong side cher."

"Oh no, getting even with you is too much fun." And I tackled him on the couch. I have never been a touchy-feely person and was still surprised when I thought about how comfortable I was with him. I guess it had something to do with the fact that he never seemed to make me feel awkward that I had to buy size elevens in shoes or that I'd come across as being too immature. The other guys I had dated would've had some core sensibilities shaken if I had initiated a pillow fight but with Hunter I didn't worry because I knew he'd respond with something even sillier. And of course, always anticipating and never knowing when one of these casual intimacies turned into … something more was a huge turn on.

That time however, it did not because my cell phone went off. It was Brad.

"Hey Jules – listen I have a huge favor to ask…"

Chris hadn't called me since she'd last shown up at my apartment and my few conversations with Mary had been inane to the point of making my teeth ache. Although Brad avoided talking about Hunter and myself, at least we were still talking.

"Hey Brad … fire away."

"I have this charity dinner next Saturday and I … er – need a date."

I smiled. "You want me to fix you up with an up and coming lawyer?"

"No … I really just don't need that right now. But if you could…"

"Wait … you want me to accompany you on at a charity event?" I would be bored to tears – and he knew it. If the guy was trying to win me back, he was certainly playing the wrong cards.

"Yes. I sort of forgot about it and I need a date without the usual getting to know each other fuss…"

"Fine. Now tell me the real reason why you want me there."

He denied it for a bit but as I'd predicted, he ultimately got tired and told me that Mary was going to be there and perhaps if we met face to face… I passed a tired hand over my face. I had told Brad about things not being completely rock sturdy between Mary and myself and although I appreciated his effort to make things better between us, I wasn't sure a public venue was best for it.

"I'll think about it."

"You'd have make me work much harder for a date…" Hunter was never openly jealous just… cautious especially when it came to Brad. He wasn't quite convinced that the guy wouldn't try to win me back or something. I had never known how just the thinnest edge of jealousy could make one feel good till then.

"It's a painful charity event… why'd you even want to go?"

"To be with you."

I was about to give him another smart ass reply when I looked into his face and saw in his eyes that he was serious.

"It's not for me… precisely. Mary will be there and Brad thinks I should discuss things with her face to face."

"I think he's right… but I'd like to be there. Not only because it'll let Mary get more used to the idea but also…" he trailed off.

"Also?"

"Because I'd rather it be me you went with and not Brad."

The idea of showing up with him as my date was ludicrous but I didn't think I could explain it in a way that wouldn't hurt him.

"It's on a Saturday." Hunter spent most of his weekends with Beth and to drive there in the morning and a round trip to the city in the evening would have been a good enough reason for me to back out.

"That's alright. I'll slip out in the evening." Apparently, the easy out didn't work for him.

"Well, I'm not sure I want to confront her in public…"

Thankfully, he let it go at that. "Whatever you think best cher."

I went back to pretending to read but I couldn't stop thinking about how things would go if I indeed landed up at the event with Hunter. Would Mary create a scene in front of everyone? That would be completely out of character for her but her icy disapproval… it would be more likely that I'd be the one making a scene…

"Jules, I was meaning to ask you…" I snapped out of my thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"What are you planning to do for Thanksgiving?"

Normally there would be no asking, I'd be with Mary and Chris … but this year I wasn't very sure. Mary had not once mentioned if she was planning anything or expecting to see me or … anything.

"I'm not sure…"

He put down his book. "Well – I was thinking maybe if you'd like, you could spend it at Three Cedars with me."

Although I had wondered many times about asking him if I could help out … or something I wasn't exactly sure how comfortable he was about it. He rarely brought up Beth and usually his tone was generic as if she had a flu instead of a mental disorder.

"Yeah. I'd love to."

He gave me a full out smile of the kind that made me want to kiss him stupid.

"Great. And since everyone turns in early, we could probably hang out with the guys for a bit later. I always provide those losers with their Thanksgiving dinner…"

Now that was one part of the plan I had no qualms about. With Hunter gone over the weekends and both of us busy with school work over the week, I hadn't seen any of them in a while. And it would be fun - as much as I liked hanging out with Mary and Chris, I had always wondered how it would be to have a full house for carving the turkey.

I never did land up for the charity dinner because I got laid up with a nasty cold. It started as a scratchy throat and sniffles that I wrote off as inconsequential on Friday night and went star gazing – literally – with Hunter. He was taking astronomy and had access to this beauty of an astronomical telescope for the semester. We made dinner – I was rapidly rising in suisse chef ranks and could actually be entrusted with chopping vegetables instead of my fingers – and had a picnic of sorts. We looked up the constellations representing our star signs – Leo for me and Aquarius for him – and a bunch of other random stars and planets.

"You know, when one actually considers it, in the truly grand scheme of things all this – our world, our problems… us … we're all so inconsequential…"

I thought about it for a bit. "I disagree. Consequence is a subjective measure… for example, I'd say that I am the center of my universe." I ignored his snort and continued, "Because you see, when I die, my construct of this universe perishes with me … there is nobody else who'd ever see it exactly the way I do."

He tugged me down to lie next to him on the grassy slope right outside the astronomy building where we'd picnicked. "So on the macroscopic level nothing we do really makes any difference but it is only because of our microscopic existence that the macrosphere actually exists…" he grinned, "Maybe I should change majors to physics and philosophy."

I rolled over him. "Oh no – you can't do that … how are you going to afford all the Tiffany jewelry you're supposed to shower on me?"

His laughter vibrated in my own chest. "And here I thought you'd be the one showering the jewels."

I rubbed up against him where he'd grown hard. "Well… some jewels certainly…"

We ended up doing it under the stars, out in the open and obviously the payback for the great sex was my horrible cold the next day.

"Ab phine …" I tried to assure Hunter when he called in the afternoon from Three Cedars even as I honked into a tissue. "No … ah – ahh … shit! Blocked dose…"

I was smarter and simply blackberried Brad to let him know that I couldn't make it that day and settled in with a truckload of cold medication and reams of tissues. When the vague thumping woke me I hoped to heaven it wasn't Chris or Mary because I really wasn't up to confronting anyone.

"Hunter…? What the…" I could only watch, dazed and woozy as he went and set something over the stove.

"Dinner."

"Um… what are you doing here?"

He led me back to my room and tucked me up under the covers. "Damn cher but the cold has sure made you slow. I'm here to look after you, what else?"

"I don't need to be looked after … I just have a cold for crissakes!" I shouted after him even as he disappeared into the kitchen.

"Oh yeah … sure you don't. And what have you eaten today?" he asked as he reappeared with a dinner tray set with some sort of stew.

Alright, so I hadn't eaten much but it was because I was sleeping it off. He just shook his head as I tried to explain and waved a spoon in front of my nose.

"Eat."

I looked at the bowl and back at him scowling at me and I couldn't help it, I giggled. I giggled till he had to remove the blow because it was splashing soup everywhere.

"You…" I gasped, "you're fussing over me. Like a complete mother hen…"

"Being insulting is not helping you here…"

I quieted down and meekly had my soup as he looked over my medicines.

"All right – no more happy juice here for you." He began to put away a bunch of my cold meds.

"Hey –"

"Hey back… do you know you've taken almost three times the prescribed dose?"

"Yeah well… I have a system here… I juice up, knock out for half a day and presto – good as new the next day."

He didn't even bother turning around. "Right. Next time maybe you can wash it all down with alcohol …"

So fine, my methods weren't exactly orthodox but he had no business trying to make me feel inept. "I did fine all these years without you playing Florence Nightingale to me buddy!"

He looked over with a funny smile. "Why don't you let people take care of you Julia?"

Because they usually didn't want to. I looked away before he could see anything in my expression. "It's just a silly cold…" I mumbled.

He came over to me and kissed me on the forehead. "Sometimes even dragon slayers need tending…"

He slept on my couch that night and even with the soporific haze of the medicines I'd taken I lay awake for a long time.

Chapter 43

"So what time should I expect to see you tomorrow?" Mary's voice sounded almost clipped over the phone. It was the day before Thanksgiving and the first time she'd called regarding any plans.

"Me?"

"Julia! Of course you! It's thanksgiving and I've invited Bradley because his parents are in Europe."

"What about Hunter?"

"Well… I would expect he'd like to spend it with his family."

"Funny, you never seemed to consider Beth as Chris's family…"

"You're just trying to be difficult. Of course it's different … he's her own son for heaven sakes!"

I could've gone into a million arguments but I cut to the chase. "Mary, I'm spending the holiday with him. I'll … call you in a couple of days, alright?"

I ended the call before she could add anything. Somehow she blamed Hunter for the scandal and her simmering dislike for him had raged into an inferno which hadn't yet subsided. And although it felt strange not to be celebrating with Mary and Chris, going there without him and facing their constant censure would've been torturous. For that matter I wondered how she and Chris were getting along … considering they were siding with opposing camps so to speak.

Anyway, I had enough to worry about without adding to my load so I concentrated instead on getting ready to leave and wondering whether I should fool myself into thinking I'd get any work done. I set the duffel aside and then backtracked to add a long sleeved black and yes, dowdy, dress to it. Who knew if I needed to pull the southern widow charade again?

"You ready?" Hunter appeared in the doorway and eyed the dress I was packing. "Why are you taking that?"

"Well – the southern widow thing…"

"What widow? Oh – that!" He came over and gave me a quick kiss. "That's a thoughtful gesture on your part but Beth doesn't remember these things …"

"Oh." I felt stupid and then I wondered how his other girlfriends had coped with this. Probably better than I did at any rate. "How do you deal with it?" I asked with my usual finesse, "All the explaining and excuses…?"

His eyes clouded and I wondered if I'd overstepped. "I don't. Explain that is. I guess if there was one thing I learnt from Carter, it was how to front … God knows the man was an expert at it… and his cardinal rule was to never explain. He said it made one appear weak. So I never bring up the topic myself and if the few people who know about her illness ask, I pretend like it is completely normal to have a mentally ill mother."

I gripped his hand. "Could I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Promise that you'll never front for me. If it hurts tell me so, if you're not ok, tell me that too. I don't know if I'll always understand or say and do the right things but I'll be there… for all that's worth."

He didn't say anything but pulled me close so that I could hear his heartbeat echo mine and know that I'd done the right thing.

*

I found myself sitting all alone in the library thinking it was sort of a déjà vu of my first visit to Three Cedars. Anya had informed us when we'd arrived that Beth had been restless all morning and wouldn't deal well with strangers, aka myself. So while Hunter spent some time with her, I was stuck in the library looking at leather book jackets which I could bet hadn't been cracked in a quarter century. The library had the look of some old boys' club, all maroon leather and mahogany and a fireplace with some excellent malts in the bar. Yes, I could well imagine old Morgan Carter in this little den of his and more, I could imagine him turning in his grave at my poking around in his inner sanctum.

Unfortunately there wasn't much that was fascinating enough to be deemed pokeworthy. Some old trophies and photos of hunting and fishing with other pompous looking men but then in the bottom shelf I spied a photograph of a man sitting on a deck with a child. It looked out of place amidst the contrived shots and I couldn't resist the urge to pull it out and look closer.

It was a black and white shot, and even the yellowing couldn't disguise the lighting perfectly slanting across the man's face as he looked off into the distance and a small boy dangled on his leg and looked straight at the camera. It was an interesting juxtaposition of candid and posed all in one shot but it wasn't the light or the quality of photography that finally had me staring at it. Dressed in what must have been men's fashion in the fifties, with his hair slicked back, Hunter could be the man in the photograph.

In all the time I had known him, Hunter had never mentioned his biological father and then I find a picture of this man who was a definite genetic relative in his step-father's study. An old business associate? Perhaps, but I couldn't see Morgan Carter being happy with a woman cast away by an associate. I turned the frame over to see if I could open it and perhaps find some clue to the man's identity when footfalls sounded close to the library door. I just about managed to put the photograph back in its place when Hunter came in. Beth was doing well, he told me, but she had taken a sedative and was now sleeping so I'd see her only in the morning. He led me away and we had a wonderful dinner with Anya and Evelyn and spent the rest of the evening getting things ready for a traditional thanksgiving feast. Later that night I snuck back to the library under the pretext of getting a drink of water but when I looked in the shelf, the photograph was gone.

Meeting with Beth the second time round was almost anti-climactic. I didn't see her till the evening when we all sat down for dinner and then she simply gave me a vague smile and a nod. Always the lady of the mansion.

Although dinner was pleasant enough, I was looking forward to leaving to hang out with Sean and the other guys. So when it came time for desert – pumpkin pie of course – I offered to sit with Beth while the others had their hands free to get the pies and fresh cream ready.

"A lovely dinner, don't you think…?" I asked after a moment or two of silence.

"Yes… lovely. It makes me remember…" her voice trailed off as she got a faraway look in her eyes.

"Makes you remember what?"

"Memories… secret memories. So many secrets…"

Although she was obviously rambling, her words reminded me of the photograph and my curiosity surged. In all probability she wouldn't have anything but there was no harm in asking, right?

"Beth do you remember this photograph in the library of a man who looks so much like Hunter? Do you know who that is?"

Her eyes sharpened for a second. "Beautiful men … he would grow up to be such a breathtaking man."

Yeah well, I knew precisely how breathtaking Hunter could be but that didn't answer my question.

"Who are they Beth? The man and the boy in the photograph?"

"Hunter of course … Morgan and Hunter." She looked almost amused at my confusion but I didn't get a chance to question her again because the others were there with dessert. In the end I concluded that she'd either confused the photograph with another one because it was clearly too old for Hunter to have been the boy in it. I wished I could've asked Chris – she would probably know.

"So what did you think about dinner?" Hunter had borrowed a car to and we were driving to the city.

"It was lovely. You know I can completely see you as a top rung chef or something…"

"Thanks but I like good old American food too much to be able to serve a sliver of lettuce and a drop of sauce as one has to in haute cuisine…"

I laughed but when I saw his face there was something somber that belied his light words. "Whatsup Hunt? You look as worried as if you'd served us all charred turkey…"

He gave a quick, tight smile. "No, I'm not worried … exactly. Just tell me dinner was fine right? For you I mean?"

I was confused. "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know … just that since dessert you've been sort of quiet and I was thinking maybe Beth … maybe she said something… I don't know."

"Oh no. Nothing like that. I was just thinking of Chris…"

"I understand. I shouldn't have forced you to spend the holiday with me … naturally you'd miss being with your family."

"And you think I'd not miss being with you?"

"They'll come around you know…"

"Yeah, I hope so."

We didn't talk any more till we reached Sean's garage.

"Legs you look more gorgeous every time I see you!" Sean's greeting made me smile and then laugh as he pulled me into his lap. I teasingly put my arms around his neck.

"Oh Sean…" I crooned in a high, sugary voice. "You know just how to make a girl feel all warm inside."

"That's all good beautiful as long as your guy doesn't get hot under the collar. He's a down right mean SOB…"

"As long as you remember that …" Hunter came over and pulled me up next to him and tucked his arm possessively around my waist.

Rowdie came to us with a huge grin plastered on his face. "Thank God you took pity on our boy here. Man was he cranky for those few months … it was always, 'I'm crazy about her but she won't give me the time of the day' … Damn! it was worse than hearing my grandma go on about her aches and pains."

I gave him an exaggerated wink. "A girl's gotta think before she gets with a man half her age and twice her good looks…"

Rowdie laughed in a loud crack. "Toldja you were too pretty by half…" he told Hunter.

Hunter stalked towards him in a mock menace. "I'll show you who's the pretty boy … best of three buddy – you, me and the pool table…"

They went off towards the pool table and I parked myself on the picnic table in the corner of the garage and laid out the food. We didn't all sit down at once but it was bizarrely like the long dining hall dinners I remembered from undergrad where the thread of the conversation carried through even though the faces at the table changed. Ultimately it Sean and I were the only two left at the table.

I saw the guys hanging out, kidding and occasionally tinkering with cars and turned to Sean. "This is a good place you have here…"

"I'm glad you think so legs…" he pulled at his beer and we sat a couple of minutes in companionable silence. "Do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Shoot away."

"How into him are you?"

I couldn't believe I was getting the friendly warning to not break Hunter's heart or something and was still thinking of how to answer him when he spoke again.

"Coz Hunter – Jesus, Mary and Joseph … the guy is really diggin' you. There's very little he wouldn't do for you…"

"Like with Melissa…" I spoke on a hunch.

"Yeah –I'd never thought he'd deal with a drug peddler…" Although my shot in the dark had hit true I was too shocked to gloat.

"What? A drug dealer? Hunter did business with a drug dealer to help me…?"

"Fuck! Legs he never told you …?"

"No but you damn right will…"

"Shit! The guy will whip my ass."

"And I'll have your scalp. Spill."

"Ok – ok but you didn't hear it from me…" he took a deep breath. "Hunter HATES drug dealers, I mean really hates those lowlifes because of Beth." I didn't really surprise me that she had been an addict at some point so I didn't say anything. "That was one of the reasons why he stayed with Melissa for that long … she was a user – snow … he thought he could save her. Anyway, saving her was the last thing on his mind when he hunted up her dealer and threatened and bribed the guy to make sure he was unavailable to her and then he went to her. He … ah – "

"Let me guess – he seduced her and then cleaned her out of her supply, right? Then he probably told her she had no hope in hell of getting her next high unless she confessed to the committee the next day…"

"He hated it Jules – if there was any other way he could've gotten access to her … but time was short." I'd never seen Sean so concerned before and it would've been amusing had the news not been so jarring. Far from blaming Hunter I felt sick myself that because of me he'd had to have that poisonous woman back in his life. It would've been like me sleeping with John Trevell … yuck.

I must've let my distaste show because Sean spoke up again. "Listen chica I don't know if it means much coming from a guy but being with that bitch would've given him as much jollies as cozying up to a viper."

"I think it means more coming from a guy – from you – but you don't have to worry. Unfortunately I have met a couple of male equivalents of Melissa and hopping into bed with any of them for anything makes my skin crawl."

"You're one in a million legs … I swear if I'd told any other woman that her man had slept with his ex – for any reason – I don't think she'd forgive him."

"Yeah well … I'm not a very girly girl."

"No chica you're an incredible woman who totally gets our guy. He's lucky to have you."

I blushed, a rare occurrence. "Sean but honestly – didn't you think it's weird … his wanting me like that…? I mean the age thing didn't bother you?"

He laughed silently. "First, I'd have thought it weird if he didn't want you … hell, we'd have a fight break out here to see which guy got to ask you out first. But that aside, I have a good ten years on the guy and I grew up in the streets of LA and still I don't think I could've found a better business partner than this lily white, ivy league kid who's never really lived outside of Connecticut or the city. But at the end of the day we get each other – and that matters more than any of the other junk."

All this while I'd felt alone in my decision to be with Hunter. I'd been fighting for so long that it was startling to hear someone tell me that they thought I'd done the right thing. I had an overwhelming urge to spill all my fears and lay them to rest.

"Sean everyone else keeps warning me – "

"Warning you about what?" Hunter's voice almost made me jump. "Not their pool skills for sure because baby these guys have us covered for McMeals for the entire year …" Hunter came up to us rubbing a couple of twnties he'd obviously won off the guys.

I stood up, liking the fact that we were at eye level and planted one on his lips, right there in front of the guys. "Sugar – I already got you covered for your McMeals."

Hunter's startled looks were followed by some hooting and teasing and soon we were all bantering again. We winded up soon after and Hunter and I were on our way back to Three Cedars.

"That was awesome – I had a great time. We should do this more often," I gushed.

"The guys are great, I know. But with Beth –" he fell silent and I bit my tongue wishing I hadn't brought it up.

"Jules … I was wondering … do you think you'd perhaps consider coming up with me a couple of weekends? Maybe I could bring a car to school and we could drive down so that if things get bad with Beth you don't need to stick around…" he seemed to catch himself. "Or not. I don't know what made me come up with such a st – "

"It's a great idea. I'd love to and if things get rough don't worry about sheltering me … I'm not the delicate type. Even if I can't really help Beth, I'd like to stick around because I'd like to think that I could help you." I paused and had one of those one minute battles trying to keep my flyaway mouth in check before I gave in. "And … I know about Melissa. About what you did – "

"Who told you?" his voice was tight with anger but it was the shame that I heard which made my heart squeeze.

"Hunter – I don't think I have anyone in my life other than you who'd do something like that for me. I just wanted to say – thanks and sorry that you had to deal with that bitch because of me."

He cleared his throat a couple of times before he spoke in a thick whisper. "I felt … dirty that day. You know when I'd kissed you after the hearing …? I needed something pure to chase away that unclean feeling…"

"Hey hey – " I gripped his free hand, "we dragon slayers have this rule that if you get coated with muck when rescuing fair maidens – or even ugly gargoyles it's more like a mark of honor than a reason for disgust or shame." I tried to keep talking in the same light tone even though my throat was feeling a bit choked with tears. "What you did was for me and so if there is anyone who should feel unclean, it would be me."

"Oh cher never that…" he pulled up on the side of the road, put the car in park and kissed me long and hard. "You have such inner light that nothing can mar your beauty."

Sure I was all purity and light, said my inner voice dripping sarcasm, when I conveniently forgot the story of how my father had a little tumble and freed me.

Chapter 44

I was exhausted. The semester had finished for me on the high note of interviewing for a number of corporate law firms to do my second summer internship with. So far, I'd found them to be even bigger assholes than the finance crowd … perhaps only with bankers edging them out. It was a bit depressing to think that for all my thinking that I was going to find my true calling, my best option was still going back to what I had been doing previously.

Normally, this would be the point I'd ring up Chris who would tell me that it was one hell of an expensive break I took and would then drag me out clubbing so that I'd not mope about it. I missed her – almost, I was shamed to admit, more than Mary.

I fell back on my bed and took out some snaps I kept in the drawer of my bedside table. Unlike most people I never liked displaying photographs because the ones I kept always had a ton of private memories which I didn't want to explain to every stranger who happened to see them. My stark office had the interesting side effect of growing my reputation as a soulless money shark and considering the people I had to interact with on a daily basis, I never did anything to rectify that image. I wondered if I wanted to go back to that … not that I wanted to ever work in some touchy feely sort of place but still, being feared all the time also got old.

I stared at an image of myself and Chris on this pre-graduation road trip and wondered what her advise would been. Hell, advise aside I just wondered how she was – how things were going with pompous Mike.

The door closed and I jumped. I had given Hunter a set of keys but it was still very new to have someone share my space. His apartment was smaller than mine and somehow over the last two, three months small signs of cohabitation had appeared in mine. His shaving foam and razor. A toothbrush. Some favorite movies and games… oh, and kitchen equipment that I didn't know the names for till three months back (and which I often still mixed up).

He tossed his backpack in the corner of my bedroom then lay down next to me.

"Crappy day cher?"

"In a matter of speaking."

"Wanna tell me about it?" He took my hand as he spoke and threaded his fingers through mine. He didn't crowd my space, not even touching me anywhere else and we lay like that in silence for a bit. It was the best type of no-pressure support that I knew if I asked to be left alone he'd leave me alone, if I talked, he'd listen and hold me if I fell apart. God… come to think of it, I had fallen apart in front of him more than I had with anybody else almost as if something inside me instinctively recognized and trusted him that he wouldn't kick me while I was down.

I squeezed his hand a bit as I started talking. "I didn't like those people I was interviewing with … and then I started thinking about Chris and things sort of snowballed from there…"

"Cher you're doing something you'd wanted to do and never really had a chance and even if things don't seem that clear or simple now, they will work out. You just have to find that one thing that really gets your juices going and then chase like hell after it."

"What is it that gets you going?"

"Other than you?" he gave me a quick kiss and got up, "just being my own boss."

"I guess for me it was independence … from my father. I guess I wanted to prove myself that I didn't need his handout and then after he died, it became a matter of necessity with Mary also depending on me. But I have made enough at this point that the necessity factor is no longer there and I feel … lost at times."

"No shame in being lost … after all, if life was one straight highway with no unmarked roads snaking away to obscure destinations, it would be pretty boring. Anyway, I have some news for you…"

"Oh?"

"Carter had set up this foundation to research heart ailments – poured a lot of green into it … probably wanted to have people working twenty four/ seven to cure him and get good PR in the bargain … but anyway, they have this Christmas black tie event every year. A fundraiser. And Chris – she almost always attends."

I knew of the formal he was talking about. I'd never been because Chris normally hated going but did so to maintain the façade of being part of one big happy family and I didn't really want to see her like that.

"Yeah, I know about it… so…?"

"Well, obviously Beth has … had a seat on the board of directors and so would I after a couple of years. So we're always invited and other than the times before she had her breakdown, I have never really attended and I was thinking that I might want to this year."

"Why?"

"Because I can't be blind to the fact that these people are excellent contacts. And I want to get more involved in the foundation itself before I take up a chair. So will you… go with me that is?"

I narrowed my eyes. "And this isn't some harebrained scheme to smooth things out between Chris and myself?"

He smiled just a little. "Harebrained? My schemes are always strategically and methodically planned I'd have you know." He leaned in the doorframe. "But I want you to know that I'd want you to accompany me regardless … I think you look gorgeous in a dress and I want to have you at my side."

I put on a mock frown. "So I just become an accessory…"

"So would you? It's a week from today." I had expected him to leave off at my light comment but clearly he hadn't gotten that memo.

"Hunter – I …"

"You don't really have anything planned right?"

"Um… no but…"

"I know you don't enjoy these things but I just really want you there…"

A sick dread gripped me. "I'm not much good at networking you know. Sure a bunch of people there will be my former clients but if you think I'd schmooze up to them…"

"If there's one thing I don't need Julia, it is lessons in being charming." Uh-oh the J-word. "I had meant what I said about just wanting you there with me … not for your contacts or your social skills but just because of … you."

I gulped. Ok, this was completely out of any scenario I had planned for. I mean, I had never imagined the guy wanting to tout a much older and far less pretty woman than guys twice his age would be having on their arms. And yeah, the real reason, which I didn't want to admit because it made me the shallow one – I wasn't sure I wanted our relationship to be out. I didn't want that the next time I was in a boardroom the guys there would be speculating about how the hell I'd snared someone like Hunter … and then, in their one track minds, fix a price on it.

Hunter continued talking. "Because you know Jules, I don't think we ever do anything in public … no place where other people we know can see us together and know that we're together. I'm sure that you attended events like this even though you don't enjoy them particularly but it's almost like you're afraid to do so with me on your side. Funny, but I get this feeling at times that you're embarrassed of me."

There it was – he'd named the elephant in the room.

"Hunter it isn't you I'm embarrassed of … it's me."

"Julia –" his voice was soft and yet it the hardness in it cut through me, "when you're embarrassed of yourself – you're embarrassed of us and that, at least to me, means that you're equally embarrassed of me."

Anything I said to that would dig me into a deeper hole, so I did what I do best – react with outrage. "Fine. I'll go along with you and then we'll see what you think at the end of the evening."

*

For half the following week, I took dark pleasure in imagining myself the worst sort of frump at the event – with my dressing sense, it wouldn't be tough to pull off. Of course by the time there were two days left, it occurred to me that proving my point would entail purposely embarrassing both of us and anything that lead to him thinking less of me would be a hollow victory indeed. So naturally, I hit full out panic mode and there was only one person who could help me.

"Cheryl, hi, it's Julia here – Julia Strand."

"Ms. Strand, what a pleasure to hear from you. How can I help?"

Cheryl was the owner of the exclusive little spa that Mary always used and had occasionally managed to drag me to as well. She had exquisite taste, and what's more important she knew me and was well aware of my ability, or rather disability when it came to fashion.

"I need you to perform a miracle Cheryl."

Even her laugh sounded tasteful. "That's what we specialize in Ms. Strand. So tell me the occasion."

"It's a black tie event for this foundation that funds some research work… and it's a big deal to me. It's day after tomorrow evening."

"No problems. How would you like to come in at say, 3 pm?"

I confirmed the time and zoned out while she outlined all the 'treatments' she was going to perform on me.

"And would you like to engage our personal shopper who can help you choose outfits that suit the occasion? We can also have the final purchases sent here in case you need to leave immediately after…"

I wondered if this was a standard offering to all her clients or her way of giving me a hint. Either way, I saw a smart choice laid out before me.

"Yeah. Sure. I will meet her at whatever outlet – tell her to call me today with the address and directions."

"Absolutely Ms. Strand. I look forward to seeing you."

"Um… yeah." If only I shared her sentiment. I hoped that Hunter appreciated all that I was going to endure for his sake … not to mention my own pride that nobody should be able to put up their eyes in surprise when they saw him with me and wonder why the hell he hadn't stuck with the standard blond and petite model?

Chapter 45

I smoothened the dress over for the millionth time as I waited for Hunter to pick me up. When I'd bought it, it looked perfect. When I wore it, it looked gorgeous. Now, waiting for him to see me, I was wondering what the hell had gotten into me. It was a rich, emerald green color (just the shade to match my eyes according to the salesman) with a body fit (why hide all those curves darling?). The bodice had rows of dark green, teal and gold beads that gathered over one shoulder, toga style and then flared out again to cover my otherwise rather naked back. I wore no jewelry but a couple of simple deep jade bangles and Cheryl had somehow talked me into a some body rub with golden sparkles that sort of made my skin look like it had been polished. Instead of taming my hair she had accented the waves further to give it a tumbled, right out of bed look. Like I said, I didn't know what had gotten into me.

I was checking for any evidence of a glimpse of a butt crack in one of the full length mirrors in their waiting room, hoping against hope to find an excuse to get out of this crazy outfit when I heard Hunter right outside. I saw his reflection enter the room looking tall and broad and completely droolworthy in a tux and then freeze with such an expression of shock that I wanted to disappear into the earth right there. I fucking HATED Cheryl.

"You… take my breath away."

Not sure I heard right, I turned around to face him. "So… you think this looks good?"

He gave a low laugh. "Talk about an understatement cher … at this moment I want to pack you away so that no other guy has the chance to trip over his feet when he sees you." He walked up and kissed me on the side of my neck before whispering in my ear, "You were right – I am so going to embarrass myself … by walking around with this huge hard on the whole night."

I LOVED that Cheryl.

*

I had been to a number of ridiculously expensive events but none where I didn't fade into the background. Of course it took Hunter to point it out to me but the throngs of people coming up to meet us were not all there to check him out… a sizeable portion were actually there for me. It was the first time I didn't feel overshadowed by my partner, even one as jaw dropping as Hunter. The ultimate moment of pride came when I overheard a couple of guys talking ahead of me in the refreshments describe me as an 'absolute fox.'

"Why didn't you tell us she was hot… trying to save her up for yourself?" another guy piped up.

"Guys … I'm telling you – it's like some witchcraft or something. Believe me, that woman doesn't normally look like this…"

I couldn't help it. I smirked as I recognized Mike's voice but before I could tell Hunter what I'd overheard I felt him leave my side and move towards them.

"Come on Mike – don't be such a sore loser, buddy…" Hunter pulled such an genuine good ol' boy that one had to really know him to recognize how phony it was. "Just because she wouldn't give you the time of day… but I understand. Some of these superhot chicks, they're all about the skin deep." Then he was excusing himself before Mike had figured out how exactly he'd been insulted and coming towards me with two glasses of coke which I took even though I'd wanted the punch. At that point, alcohol could only disrupt the high I was already on.

We mingled around for a bit and then the chairman of the board of directors made a speech at the end of which he called out to Hunter and introduced him to the gathering. I was listening to the accolades, making a mental list of the number of ways I was going to tease him about it later, when I saw Chris standing in one of the corners.

It was relatively easy to make my way towards her and it boosted my confidence when she saw me but didn't move away.

"Hey…" it came out more tentative than I'd planned.

She ran a critical eye over me and I wondered if she was going to use this opportunity to rip into me again. "A bit bold … but so completely you. You look gorgeous."

I smiled as I recalled those words from an earlier time. "You know, you were the first person to ever call me that…"

She smiled back – a small smile, but it was there nevertheless. "It's all about recognizing the diamond in the rough … the really rough."

The chairman was talking again and we stood a couple of moments in silence, marshalling our thoughts as we pretended to hear him.

"Listen Chris – I …" But she cut me off.

"I'm sorry Julia. The way I behaved … it was wrong." She looked up and met my eyes. "You were right that it was between two consenting adults and my reaction … I was totally out of line there. It's just that … I guess I didn't want either of you hurting."

"Why did you think I'd hurt him?"

"He had his first true friend in you." I guessed she didn't know about Sean and the guys but I kept my mouth shut. "My family … hell, I'm more than a perfect example … don't do friends well. Oh yes, we're good at all the charm and dazzle, not to forget the seduction game but when it comes to the I've-got-your-back type deal, we're at zilch. You … you're the only one I could ever count on and I think it is the same for him and given his track record … I thought that mixing sex into the equation was not a good idea because I knew you don't do casual."

"What do you mean, his track record?"

She gave me an odd look. "With girls … women… why did you think so many people thought he was the perfect successor to my dad?"

I felt like an utter, complete idiot. There I had been thinking that he was the inexperienced one when all along he must've been laughing at my naïveté. Not to mention my lack of sexual prowess. I couldn't blame him – I had deliberately misread what he'd said when we had first been together. 'I have some experience' he had told me and I, like a fool, had believed that it was him blustering innocently. Even after I had discovered how good he was in bed, I had deluded myself into thinking that it was because of me – because it was us – that things were that good.

"Anyway," she hurried on, not realizing the impact her casual words had had on me, "you guys have obviously worked things out because I haven't seen either of you happier. And I miss you damn it!" She blinked a bit and I realized it was because she was tearing up. I shoved all my ruminations into my already crowded skeleton closet and squeezed her hand.

"I missed you too. And you won't believe how much I had to shell out to that damn personal shopper for this outfit… I think your stock as my fashion consultant took a real leap when I was writing that check."

She sniffed a bit and gave me a watery smile. "I told you that you'd learn my true worth some day… besides there is so much I'm dying to tell you."

I grinned, glad to have Chris back. "Spill all."

"I moved in with Mike."

"Whoa." Now this was major. "When?"

"Just after Thanksgiving. I spent it with him this year and he asked me … and I said yes." She sounded almost surprised at that, like it was a revelation to her as well. "Anyway, so I am living with him now…"

"How is that going?"

"I'm surprised at how good it is… and Jules … he's been dropping hints about the future …"

"Like what? Marriage?" Good God, the M-word for Chris? Forget Hunter, this was bigger news.

"I think so … the suburban house, the picket fence and the two matching Mercedes SUV's for ferrying around the two kids … I'm gonna have it all."

I didn't even try to suppress my shudder. "Please try not to horrify me into thinking I'd be saving you by locking you up somewhere." Then I let the sincerity seep into my voice because even though I might not agree with her choice, I firmly believed in respecting it. "But if that is what you want … I'm glad you've found it. And you know what I've always told you – just don't sell yourself short."

"Who's being sold short?" Hunter appeared next to us. "Hey Chris – "

"Hey little brother. You were quite the charmer here tonight…"

He grinned and gave a mock bow. "High praise indeed coming from the most charming girl I've ever known…"He turned to me. "So, who's selling my charming sister short?"

"She is – well, potentially – by marrying Mike."

Hunter raised an eyebrow. "Wow. The M-word huh? So much for my taking the guy aside and asking him about his intentions towards my sister…"

She laughed and gave him a little punch on the arm. "Hey now, be nice. The guy's trying to make an honest woman of me."

Hunter sidled up and put his arm around my waist. "Me – I'm all about the sin…" and I thought, how appropriate – like father like son. The next second I was appalled not only at how bitchy I sounded but also … how jealous. Luckily, Chris had to leave so the conversation returned to safer topics like when the three of us could be getting together and after deciding that Three Cedars the weekend after sounded good, she left.

Chapter 46

Looking back, I'd say that that evening was in equal parts triumphant and disastrous. I had been surprised by how little people cared about whom I decided to date or sleep with and even more surprised by how little I cared about their comments myself. Frankly, those who I heard making the rather predictable 'cougar' or 'pool boy' jokes sounded so openly jealous that ignoring them was easier than not laughing at them. The cherry on my sundae was realizing that the girl who had been teased in nineth grade about her physique had finally grown into it.

But of course, keeping me from lapping up all the 'I'm-actually-pretty-hot-myself' congratulations was the can of worms about why Hunter had let me believe that he was well… inexperienced? To be fair, in his position I wouldn't exactly know how to put the record straight – and the guy had given me a warning… Warning my ass! Since he was always propounding the 'open book' policy, wasn't an incomplete warning technically concealment?

My thoughts ping-ponged ceaselessly in my head as I peeked under my eyes at the dining table where he was working. Good thing it was finals and both of us were swamped with work else I was sure he would notice that something was wrong and I wouldn't know quite what to tell him.

As it was, he did end up noticing.

"Hey," he nudged me awake from where I had fallen asleep with my reading on the couch. It was past two. "It's late and you're tired. Let's go to bed – if you want, I can set the alarm early for you to wake up."

"Mmmm?" So much for suave but I was too tired to care. Reading bioethics while mulling over the dilemma of how to (or maybe not to) confront Hunter had been a draining exercise. "Put it for 8am … I won't be much good if I don't get at least six hours anyway."

I plopped down in bed and balanced my books on the ever growing and precariously balancing pile on my night stand. His hand brushed mine and I almost upset the whole stack, I was that nervous. I felt stupid and insecure and more stupid for my insecurity. So I turned on my side, giving him my back, hoping that I wouldn't have to face him that night because if I did, he'd know that something was wrong.

"What's wrong cher?" Well, so much for ducking and hiding.

"Nothing much… I'm tired… reading up on all those cases you know…"

He fell silent behind me and I wasn't sure whether it was relief or disappointment I felt that he'd bought my story.

"Julia…" his voice sounded disembodied in the dark as he wasn't touching me anymore. "Please don't lie to me. If there is something you don't want to or cannot share that is fine but just tell me that. Just the truth – please."

Just the truth? No cream or sugar added? I rolled on my back and looked at him. Yeah, just the truth – strong, perhaps a bit bitter but also revitalizing … ok then, one plain cup of truth coming up.

"You know that in all this time we've been together we never spoke about our … uh… past relationships?"

He turned over, facing me, eyes intent but not guilty or wary which gave me the little nudge I needed to go on.

"As you might have guessed, mine were – infrequent and really rather unspectacular but…" I didn't quite know how to continue this so I paused but he didn't fill the silence. I liked that a lot about him, I realized. His patience – his ability to wait for the right time … I'd seen that in him ofcourse as an opponent in our online saga but it was then I realized how imbued in his personality that was.

"You know, I really admire your patience. It's a rare skill your ability to wait."

He smiled at that and brought my hand to his lips. He touched and I melted.

"So does my virtue reap a reward in this case?"

I started pulling my hand away but then decided to leave it there. It felt better that way – like whatever unpleasantness there was, the sweetness would erase its aftertaste. "Ah…I don't know if it's a reward exactly. I'll tell you everything if that is what you want but it will be uncomfortable for both of us…"

"Tell me."

"You know the first time we were together?"

"How could I not?" His smile was warmer this time and begging to be returned with one of mine.

I wanted to smile back at him but settled for squeezing his fingers instead and continuing, "For some stupid reason I thought that you hadn't been with many people – even though you'd indicated otherwise," I hastened to add, not wanting him to think that I felt lied to or cheated. "But yeah – I was too mired in my own presumptions I guess and I – I kept on believing what I wanted to believe … until today when I found out otherwise."

He had propped up on his side and still wore a smile although now it looked more amused than anything else. "Are you ruing the lost opportunity of taking my innocence or are you saying that my experience didn't live up to your expectations?"

I frowned pushed him away as I sat up. When he put it that way it did sound stupid. "No, don't be ridiculous… its just that…" Did I dare tell him? It was my own Achilles heel – the insecurities I had about my sexual appeal and one misplaced word could hurt me far more than I cared to risk. So what in the world would ever make me bare my secret wounds…? An image of him arose in my mind when he'd trusted me enough to tell me about Beth. He probably had the same doubts about me as I did about him now – probably worse since we'd known each other for a shorter time, yet he had taken the chance on me to not hurt him and maybe even help him. Would it be so bad, I asked myself, to open myself to the possibility of someone not just refraining from hurting me, but perhaps even healing me?

His breath was warm in my ear as he enveloped me again and I let him. "You need to say it…"

I turned and met his eyes. "Yes. Yes, I do. You see Hunter, when I thought you were as – or more inexperienced than me I didn't have to worry about whether … whether it was – I was – good for you." I gulped but continued, "I felt… confident you know – for the first time ever I felt confident that I was bringing more than just a body when we…"

"Make love?" He spoke so close to my lips that his words kissed them and made the sensation all the more sweet for what they implied. "One can't make love to a body Jules – it is done with, and for, a person. Fortunately or unfortunately I know the difference – I tried the Morgan Carter route," at my surprised look he gave a hollow laugh, "Oh yeah, I used to be quite taken with the guy – tried emulating him in every way before I came to my senses. I don't know about anything else but I can tell you this – when I touch you I don't think of technique or moves my previous partners had used – I just do what feels right and I think … no – I know by the way you touch me back that you do the same. And this is just why you never need to second guess whether it is good for me – you'll know it is when you do what feels good to you."

Ah jeez … no doubt I was stupid for the guy. I buried my face in his shoulder, nuzzling his t-shirt and smelling that particular combination of clean laundry, soap and just … him which made me feel good – comfort but with a kick of arousal that made it anything but comfortable.

His hands had slipped under my pajama bottoms and his fingers did an intimate dance to the rhythm of my sucking and kissing on his throat. Just when I thought I couldn't get any hotter, he yanked me flush against him and rocked slowly as he slid my pajamas down my legs and pulled a moan from me. His hands resumed their stroking and as I started gasping he bit down on my nipple through the thin t-shirt. I came apart right then but he wasn't done yet.

"Again."

I was lying dazed on my back and couldn't have moved if the fire alarm went off. "Too soon."

"Not soon enough," he growled and before I knew it, had yanked my t-shirt off and was pressing hot, hungry kisses on my throat even as his hands tormented my breasts. He began moving down my torso – his clothes rasping against my too sensitive skin and making me wetter, edgier.

The first stroke of his tongue nearly brought me off the bed. That he was fully clothed as he touched, teased and tasted me was unbearably erotic and I flew – or fell – again. My ears were still thundering when he kissed the lobe of one and said, "You're the only one I've ever gone down on."

And suddenly all my doubts and fears just disappeared. It didn't matter how many people he'd slept with before, I was the first for whom he broke all rules. I wanted him to know how good that made me feel and I knew just how.

I cupped his face and kissed him hard and took him by surprise when I rolled over and straddled him. I rocked against where he was hard and he groaned. I captured that in my mouth as I pulled off his clothes. I let my hand wander down his smooth skin – lower to where he was hot and aching and mirroring his actions, teased till he was bucking below me.

"You get to be my first too," I said and slithered down, savoring the smooth glide of his skin against mine, until I could take him into my mouth. He stayed me before I did.

"You don't have to…" he croaked. Silly boy.

"I know I don't," I replied, loving how every puff of breath against him made him shudder. "But I want to."

It tasted and felt much different from what I'd expected. There was softness – a silkiness to the skin there which I wasn't expecting and I experimentally teased with my teeth. He jerked and cursed and soon there were a lot more intermittent prayers and curses. I grinned to myself wondering that I'd missed out on this for so long and knowing how he must feel when he fed on me and made me wild flashed heat through my body. So I fought him the second time he stopped me but he didn't let go till I looked up at him.

"Together." His voice was hoarse and made me shiver with anticipation. I rolled a condom on him and straddled him again, moving down as he moved up and took him fully in that one thrust. I felt his shout rise from my throat, felt him everywhere as we rocked ourselves to oblivion and flew apart only to fall back together in a breathless heap.

"I love you," he whispered.

Chapter 47

Alright, so he'd used the big L … no big deal, especially given the circumstances. And no, he hadn't repeated it with puppy eyes every waking moment so there was hope yet. I notched up the incline on the treadmill and my thoughts were momentarily distracted by my screaming thighs before it came back to my favorite brood for the past week.

The real problem was that I wasn't sure whether I was more worried that he might actually feel that way about me or that I'd nearly responded in kind. No… definitely the former – my almost reaction was clearly knee jerk, right? But he hadn't ever used those words before … however, if he really meant it, wouldn't he have repeated them again? Underneath all this turmoil was the treacherous feeling that my knee jerk theory was complete BS. I ran harder. Shit! this was meant to be for a couple of months … exhausting our mutual chemistry and hopefully parting as good friends. When it had started on the road to becoming a complicated relationship, I didn't know.

There was only one way out – we needed some distance and to cool things down a bit before reality bit us while our heads were still on cloud nine. Hunter would discover a whole new world when he started work … although, I was reminded by my self destructive half, he was as likely to enter the corporate suit world as I was to joining a convent. It was most likely he would plan an expansion or a new venture which was what he was already doing. In any case that didn't matter, my rational half battled back valiantly, the status quo with Beth was hardly likely to carry on and when it ended, he would be ravenous to go out and try all the things he had missed out on. But then again, he had a fair taste of what that life entailed and it didn't look like he wanted a part of that either.

Alright, my rational half pulled the ace in the hole, even with everything going peachy, how do you think the guy would react if he knew the Strand family's dirty little secret? Did I want to risk a prison sentence – or worse by trusting him with the whole story? But he doesn't have to know the plea was as plaintive as it was pointless … after all what was the point of carrying on when the foundation of trust itself was missing?

I got off the treadmill and pretended that my throat was closing up because I was short of breath from running. My cell rang and I hoped that I could convince whomever was on the line of the same.

"Julia … it's me – Mary." As if I would forget her voice even though we hadn't spoken since the Thanksgiving dinner that never was. For a moment I felt a twinge of guilt – what if she'd had to spend that time alone? With Chris not making it as well … I hoped that at least Brad had been there.

"Julia – are you there?"

"Uh yeah."

"You sound like you've been crying…"

"Nope. Exercise bike." I sounded more abrupt than I meant to and changed the topic. "So … how are things going?"

"I am … I need to talk to you. Urgently. Could you come over today?"

Our battle of wills was instantly forgotten as worry washed over me. "Are you alright?

"Yes. Physically, yes… but I need to talk to you."

"Sit tight. Don't do anything. I'm on my way."

I left Hunter a quick voice mail explaining that I had to urgently go over to Mary's and that if I could I'd join him and Chris at Three Cedars later that day or the next day, got a rental and within the hour I was pulling up at the house.

Mary had the door open. It seemed like she had been waiting for me. She swayed slightly and alarmed, I shot out an arm to steady her and that was when I noticed.

"Mary … have you been drinking?"

Her uncertain smile accompanied by a hiccup and an incoherent reply confirmed my suspicions and left me bewildered.

I followed her into the living room and helped her to the couch where on the coffee table I saw not her usual glass of red but an open bottle of good scotch that had been hard employed to get her to her current state.

"What's wrong Mary… please, tell me."

She waved to the bottle in front of her dismissively as if her getting sloshed in the middle of the day was something quite habitual.

"Had to… you know, for courage." O-kaay. "You need to know what I am going to tell you but first promise me that you're going to listen, just listen … no explanations, nothing. Alright?"

I instinctively knew which topic and direction this conversation was going to take and that I would not like them. But what option did I have other than nodding my acquiescence?

"Okay but you have to promise no more drinking and that you're going to do as I say afterward?"

Mary was holding her head and staring at the bottle in front of her. I wanted to tell her that that wouldn't help in making it stop spinning but some lessons are best learnt first hand.

"You know what I'd told you had happened between Morgan Carter and myself?"

"Yes … but Mary you mustn't blame your – "

"Shh… listen first. I'd told you that we'd been involved before I came to work for your father but what I didn't tell you was that at the time he left me, I was pregnant with his child."

"Oh – God…"

I couldn't help but pull her into an embrace hurting for the confused young girl who'd been left alone at a frightening stage.

"I had … a baby girl but I couldn't afford to keep her and … I was ashamed. I could hear my grandmother tell me about how all the city slattern were going to go straight to hell and … I was weak. I was afraid and I was weak and I gave up my baby for adoption."

"Did you ever tell my father… afterwards?"

Her wet and bloodshot eyes met mine before for a moment before they looked away. "I … didn't think he would understand. But I wrote to Morgan Carter again and again even though he never replied. And as time started slipping by, I was becoming desperate… I couldn't bring her here but I didn't want my child to grow up an orphan either. I got angry with him – how could he be so callous with his own child and I th-threatened to tell his wife about our affair."

"He – he …" I held her and tried to comfort with words the wounds that lay beyond any hearing. "He said something about our affair to your father and that night …" her voice cut out completely and in the middle of rocking her as she sobbed I wished Morgan Carter alive so that I could kill him myself.

"I kept quiet after that and then … after your father's death, it was too late." She took a deep breath with visible effort. "But you must be wondering why after all this time I'm bringing this up?"

"Mary – there is nothing like a 'wrong time' for you to share anything with me. Ever. I'm there for you – you know that, right?"

"Oh Jules … I know that darling, I know. You have always been there for me but I needed you to know this because mine was not the only child Carter abandoned. I know of at least one other – his son, Hunter."

"What?!" I felt like I'd just gone a round with Layla Ali and been knocked out of my senses and yet, in some subconscious part of me something clicked and there resounded an 'Aha!' like with a puzzle finally solved.

"Hunter – is Carter's own son. And I know so because Carter told me so himself."

Did he know? Did Chris know? Why didn't he have his father's last name? A hundred questions danced frenzied in my mind even as I tried to search for the right thing to say to her.

"Other than Carter's confession – is there any other proof… ? Because I saw this picture of a man who looks remarkably like Hunter at Three Cedars…"

"No. I don't have any other proof … but you must believe me … there was no other reason Carter would've gotten her back…"

"Gotten who back?"

"Beth."

"You mean he got together with Beth because he realized she had his son?"

"Yes. Carter and John weren't very different in that respect. Carter's wife – Chris's mother had two miscarriages after Chris and the doctors advised against her getting pregnant. So when Carter heard that Beth had a son by him…" she trailed off towards the end and was silently shaking with sobs.

I crouched near her and wiped off her tears. "Carter was an asshole and a real SOB … don't waste your tears on him. And it was Beth's decision to leave and then return to him so there wasn't anything you – "

She only cried hardly, each gasping shudder tearing at me.

"Don't you see Jules? It was my fault … it was all my fault and I'm so afraid that you'll have to pay the price. Beth hadn't left Carter, he dumped her … be- because of me. Because he replaced her with me."

Oh Jesus what a mess. I was sitting an hour later nursing the same malt Mary had been drinking, letting its warmth smoothen some of my jagged nerves. I glanced at the umpteen missed calls and decided to call Chris first. She picked up on the second ring.

"Thank God you called … I was going out of my mind with worry. I was going to give you another half hour and then drive down myself. What's happened? How is Mary?"

"She's ok… asleep upstairs."

"But what happened Jules? Your message…"

I massaged my forehead. I hated doing this, I really did. "I think I just over reacted. She just wanted to talk you know… we've not exactly had an ideal mother-daughter relationship the past couple of months."

"So … she's cool about Hunter now?"

"Uh – I wouldn't go that far but she's more open now so… let's see…"

"Ok. Hey, are you alright? You sound pretty strung out yourself…"

"Yeah well, you know me and this emotional stuff don't get along… anyway," I pushed to change the topic before she could prod further, "Where's- "

"He's on his way to your place."

"What?!" Shit.

"He said he had to… I couldn't stop him and honestly, I didn't want to… I was so worried."

"How long back did he leave?"

"Thirty minutes odd…"

Maybe I could still catch him before he got too far. "Chris I'll talk to you later." Before she could say anything else, I'd hung up and was dialing Hunter. After getting his voicemail for the fifth time, I gave up and resigned myself to seeing him there whether I liked it or not. I couldn't let Mary see him that night – she was too fragile at that moment so my best shot was to turn him away from the driveway. I poured another shot of the Scotch to keep me company and replayed the conversation with Mary earlier. Could he possibly know about Mary and his father? Jeez – did he even know Carter was his biological father? And if he knew, did he see her as a manipulating bitch who hurt his mother or as another victim of his father? And could he have gotten together with me because of some twisted revenge he wanted to wreck? The very thought chilled me despite the alcohol and I consciously pushed away that possibility because I realized with a shock, I just couldn't handle it.

Chapter 48

By the time I heard a car at the front gates I had managed to somewhat stem the spurts of questions and possible answers. Before I even went into all that was possible, I needed to confirm the truth of what Mary had told me. Just how I planned to go about doing that, I wasn't yet sure. The only thing I was sure of was that it was impossible to do what I most wanted to – wrap myself around Hunter and ask him to end all this confusion and secrets.

God! What was happening to me? I was pissed at myself for turning into one of those clingy, I-need-a-white-knight-to-save-me-from-my-life women and frightened of getting so soft that once Hunter was out of my life, I'd not be able to stand for myself. And yet, it didn't change the way I felt…

I activated the front gates and was out in the driveway to see Chris's car pull to a stop and Hunter climb out.

"Is Mary alright?"

"Yeah – " I pulled my jacket together to keep warm and tried to think of how I was going to handle this.

"How are you?" I shrugged and when he came to take me in his arms I moved, too restless to be held.

"I'm sorry… I guess I need some alone time right now."

"So that's it … what do you expect me to do, get back in the car and hit the road?"

One look at his face told me that saying 'something like that' would really not go down too well. And although I understood why he'd be pissed with me, I was hoping he'd cut me some slack.

"Look Hunter … Mary's been real upset and right now is not a good time. I'll talk to you in the morning."

"What are you afraid of Jules?" his voice was soft but unrelenting. "Why can't you let yourself trust me enough to depend on me?"

"Because living with my father taught me very well that dependency makes you weak." I was surprised at my words but considering all that I was bottling up inside, this was but a small outburst.

"I wish I knew how to make you believe that I'm not your father … or mine."

I looked up into his eyes. "Your father? You mean Morgan Carter?"

He looked away first. "I've never really known any other … so yeah, him." And we were back to square one.

"Hunter, it's cold, I've had a long day and I'm tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

As I watched him turn in the driveway, I knew there was one thing I needed to do before I lost my nerve and wallowed in my exhaustion. I speed dialed on my cell phone.

"Chris – hey, it's me again. I know this is going to sound weird but I need to know something urgently…"

"Jules! Uh – yeah, sure, fire away."

"Do you remember an old photograph in your father's library … this man and a boy on a porch? It's black and white – fifties I'd think…"

"You're calling me in the middle of the night to ask me about some photograph?"

"Look – I know how bizarre this seems but … it has to do with Mary and I'll explain later … for now can you tell me about it?"

"Actually, I don't really remember any photographs in particular … they were all my dad's you know and it's not like he was the kind to sit down and share stories about them."

My heart sank. "No problem, I – "

"But… I know there used to be one photograph of him as a kid with my grandfather. Of course I'll need to go and check it in the morning to be sure that it was the one you were talking about but yeah, that's the only one that comes to mind."

My mind reeled. "Chris, do you remember your grandfather?"

"Uh – not really. I mean he died when I was pretty young and was ill for some time before that so I guess all my memories of him are sort of vague."

Jesus. No doubt she'd never noticed…

"Thanks Chris. I'll – uh – call you later."

"O-kaaay. But you'd better be prepared to explain this to me."

"Yeah." I was sure I'd come up with some story that wouldn't lead her to suspect the truth. "I'll do that."

*

For the first time in a long time - since my father's death to be precise, I was up and about before Mary. Sometimes, after their … altercations … she would wait till the worse of the swellings had subsided before seeing me.

I slammed the OJ on the counter, not caring that it splashed out. Shit, all I needed was dear ol' dad to join the web of our past histories to completely trap me in it's poisonous clutches. I was confused and yes, frightened but I had no clue whom to turn to for some much needed advise.

The doorbell jarred my nerves and surprised me at the same time. Who on earth…? I hoped it wasn't one of Mary's club friends or someone from the charities she worked with.

"Why the hell didn't you call me?" Brad's irate figure filled the door. "I had to hear from Chris … how is Mary? I should see her…"

"She's still out Brad."

"I hope you know the dosage of the sedative you gave her Jules…"

I rolled my eyes. Yeah, right, dosage indeed – for a neuron-splitting hangover, try a fourth bottle of scotch.

"Yes of course…"

"I still think I should check on her…"

If nothing else, the guy had picked an excellent time to get stubborn with me because after the previous night I was in no shape to argue with him. Hell, it probably wasn't such a bad idea to have him check in on her anyway.

She was breathing deep and easy when we entered her room but he crouched to take her pulse all the same. When he looked up, his voice was tense.

"Had she been drinking before you gave her the sedative?"

I almost did a duh slap on my forehead. Of course he'd be able to smell the alcohol on her.

"No."

"Shit. Where did she get the alcohol then? Jesus, Jules … why weren't you more careful?"

"It wasn't me you idiot! She was piss drunk last night and there were no sedatives … just the effect of good ol' alcohol to knock her out."

His eyebrows winged up and without a word he pulled me away from the room and back downstairs to the kitchen.

"Talk."

"It was some stuff from her past which has been getting her really worked up about Hunter and myself and I guess her stress just reached some sort of boiling point yesterday and spilled over."

"You can't mean to tell me that she got wasted because of your being with Hunter… Jules, this is Mary we're talking about. Tell me what really happened."

I had never seen Brad so stubborn and insistent and was for a moment almost offended by this sudden 'I'm entitled to know' attitude. But in the end, the temptation of finding a friendly ear to pour my troubles into was greater.

"Oh hell. Brad – Mary had been … involved with Morgan Carter before she met my father. And he'd dumped Beth to take up with her."

"Morgan Carter was a prize dickhead and everybody knows that including Hunter. Besides, his mother got married to Carter later so…"

"Yeah, if only it was a simple case of straying attention. He didn't just dump Beth, he dumped his son along with her."

"You mean …"

"Yup. Hunter is Carter's own son."

"Who was ignored till such time that his father thought it convenient to bring them into his life again."

"Yeah … and part of the reason had been Mary."

He eyes flashed with anger. "Don't you dare blame her. What was her age- twenty? When that fuck broke her heart? She was a victim here as well – if anyone is to be blamed, it is that asshole."

I had never, ever heard so many foul words from Brad and his vehemence shook me a bit.

"I know that … but that might not be how Hunter would see it."

"If he has even two functioning brain cells, he will. But are you sure he knows?"

"No. That's the other thing… I don't know what he knows and I don't know whether I should or should not tell him the truth. He might hate me but atleast he'd know he has flesh and blood family with Chris."

"Have you told Chris what you found?"

"No."

"Then I think you should. You don't have to go into the details but I'd say she has a right to know that she has a half brother."

"What about Hunter though?"

"I think it should be Chris and not you who should talk to him. It is, after all, their private business."

"I know… but what if he knows and has been all this time…"

"I'd say it's even more important then that Chris speaks to him. If he's been using you, she'll put an end to that … I don't think she'll allow you to get hurt."

How could I tell him that if I found out that Hunter had indeed been using me for some twisted revenge any heartache over breaking up with him would be lost in the searing pain of his betrayal.

Brad seemed to guess what was going on in my mind because he took my hand. "Hey, I know it feels like a rock and a hard place but sitting on this longer will only make it tougher. And you need to know that you're not alone."

"Thanks Brad."

Even under the circumstances, I was glad to have my friend back. Was it fate or just my luck that when I got someone back in my life, somebody else seemed to slip away?

Chapter 49

I hid behind the excuse of taking care of Mary for a couple of days anyway to figure out how I was going to confront Chris. Mary denied remembering any conversation she'd had with me while she was drunk and I was letting her keep her denial because frankly, other than causing her pain I couldn't think of any reason to rip away its protection from her.

Chris was planning to go away with Mike for the New Year and I had to get this done before that. Not because of the sadistic pleasure in ruining her vacation (as much as I wouldn't mind that for Mike) but because she'd need those few precious days to get centered before she had to face the daily pressure of work.

Ultimately, I chose to call her to Koffee? which would not only be blessedly empty with the campus deserted for the holidays but lying at the edge of my old residential college also provided me an innate comfort that I desperately needed.

"So… what gives?" Chris was trying to keep cheery but the stress lines on her face spoke otherwise as she dropped into the chair next to me and stirred Sugar Free into her latte.

"Chris, I've uh … discovered something which I think you should know… about you – and Hunter." I looked straight into my coffee and spoke the next few lines as if by rote. "He is your brother … and I don't mean step brother either. You guys… share a father."

"What?! How …?!"

I looked up briefly at her shocked face wishing there was some way I could've cushioned it for her.

"I can't tell you how I know… but it's true."

Chris seemed to almost collapse in on herself. "You don't know…" I pushed forward ready to battle down her denial, "… how relieved I am."

I blinked. Had there been some 'shrooms in that mocchiato? Because that was the only way I could describe her reaction.

"It was so hard keeping this from you… but the reason I'd wanted to re-establish contact with him was because I had found out about … our relationship. Three years back, I'd gotten a letter from Beth telling me that Hunter and I were half siblings and giving me lab results to prove it."

"So Hunter has known this all along?" I ignored everything else and zeroed in on what rankled me the most – that Chris and he might have been using me in their own little war. I shook my head. But given the number of stories I'd spun for her who was I to cast stones?

Chris sighed. "Frankly I don't know and I have never asked. With Beth one never knows why she does what she does and other than her I don't know who else could've told him the truth." She looked up and me and gave a tentative smile. "Unless of course he suddenly grew a brain like yours and figured it out."

I smiled back at her but my gut was churning. Oh, he knew alright every instinct in me screamed. Hunter was not a guy who'd let a question as important as his paternity go unanswered. But even as I knew I could never confirm that he knew, I also realized that it hurt that he hadn't confided in me. Talk about the pot calling the kettle… I wished I could get my hands around the throat of that damn pipsqueak voice in my head.

"I know… you're pissed with me but this wasn't my secret to tell Jules. I hope you can forgive me but I couldn't … wouldn't have done it any differently."

I must've been frowning something fierce thinking about Hunter and her words brought me back. "Hey – no sorries required ok? I totally understand … like you said, it wasn't your secret to tell."

I changed the topic then, asking about her upcoming trip, not wanting to expose Mary's past even more. As it were, I felt guilty having blurted anything to Brad although better him than Chris I suppose.

Hunter and I had spoken a couple of times but our conversations were more of an artful dodging around topics we didn't speak about. When I told him I wouldn't be able to spend the holiday with him as we'd originally planned, he didn't argue. 'Whatever you want' he said and a perverse part of me wished he would fight me for me. Oh hell, this thing was driving me so loopy, I was ready to get myself committed.

I said as much to Brad when he stopped by on Christmas Eve. The asshole had the nerve to laugh.

"If I didn't see this with my own eyes, I'd have believed you were possessed or something … you sound like … a completely mushy female." I smacked him, not bothering to pull back. "Alright, make that a mushy female who can still punch. Jesus, will you stop sulking and speak to the guy already?"

"What?! Me speak to him? Oh yeah and what exactly do I say – hey Hunter, by any chance have you been dicking around with me because your father, who by way I know is Carter, had been an asshole both to you and Mary?"

"Sometimes I wonder how you ever managed a corporate career… finesse Jules, use some finesse. You did fine with Chris as far as I know."

"It's not the same…"

"If you say so. In any case, I'd actually dropped by to tell you and Mary that you guys are coming with me to this New Year gala my hospital is sponsoring."

"Oh hell no! You're not going to make me…"

"Jules – it's not just for you even though I think getting out might get some fresh air into that brain of yours and get it working again," his voice dropped, "I've never seen Mary look so … subdued."

He was right although I was surprised he'd even noticed. Mary wasn't exactly chirpy at the best of times but since her drunken episode she'd really gone into some deep recess while pulling her society hostess persona like a mantle around herself.

"Alright," I sighed, "but only if you promise to drag her to the dance floor at least twice. Without alcohol."

He gave me a smile and his outstretched hand. "It's a deal."

*

As I clasped on the necklace I'd borrowed from Mary for the evening, I realized I was actually getting good at this whole dressing up thing. Man, first cooking, then dressing up … Brad was right … dating Hunter was really turning me into a girly girl.

A twinge of something sad raced up my throat as I wondered how he was enjoying his New Year's. I wondered if he was going to wait till school reopened to break up with me in person or do it over the phone. And even though I told myself it was inevitable, a part of me refused to let go.

"Are you ready?" Mary appeared looking cool and collected as ever in a deep blue gown and pearls. One had to really know her to see the occasional flicker of something tragic in her eyes.

"Yes." I adjusted my own bronze colored stretch sheath which was somehow passed off as a dress to me at the store.

"Have you … that is … does Hunter know?"

"Know what?"

"That you're attending this event?"

"Yes." I had kind of mentioned it to him expecting that he'd invite himself to come along and had a rude slap in my face when he equally casually told me to have a good time and that he was planning to spend the evening with Sean and some of the other guys at the Wild Hunt.

"So… will he…?"

I softened my voice. "No worries. You won't run into him. He is spending time with some friends." I tried but I guess I didn't keep the hurt out of my voice because Mary gently placed a hand over my shoulder.

"Maybe it's for the best Jules."

I couldn't meet her eyes when I answered. "Yeah, maybe."

Chapter 50

I must've looked quite hot judging by the number of guys who were trying subtly or not to hit on me and frankly I couldn't give a damn. I tried to suppress another yawn as I spotted Mary being led in a waltz by Brad but didn't quite make it. The party arrangements were if anything better than those of the Carter Foundation and yet it wasn't half as fun. And voila! With that happy thought I was back to obsessing about Hunter.

How could a guy tell me one day that he loved me and then not care that I was off with my ex (never mind that my stepmother was also with us) for a party? I sat down to adjust a sandal strap that needed no adjustment.

I had to stop letting this bother me … I had to – What the hell?! At the edge of the crowd on the other side of the room I spotted none other than the guy I was supposedly dating with this petite brunette who could've been a clone of Melissa – especially in that I took an instant dislike to her as well.

Before I knew it, I was crossing the floor towards them.

"What the…?" I was spluttering and didn't care.

"Oh hi cher…" he sounded so cheerfully innocent that for a moment I wondered if I was in some twilight zone before I saw the hardness in his eyes and the brittleness of his smile. "Meet Mandy … her dad's the chief of surgery here and is one of the pillars of the Carter Foundation. And Mandy here was most kind to invite me here tonight." He tucked her hand in his arm. "I hope you're enjoying as much as we are… hey Mandy, whatsayyou we head to this club I know of after this…"

They started walking towards the dance floor and simultaneously my head erupted in thoughts and emotions most of which ran along the lines of 'How could he?' I was ready to crawl into a hole and stay there for a decade to lick at my humiliation and pain when Mandy threw a backward glance at me, sniffed with her pert little nose and turned away.

Oh no sister you didn't… I drew myself up, strode up to them, wrenched her around and decked her. Or I would have if the crumbling vestiges of my sense hadn't stubbornly held on. I made a beeline for Brad where he was standing at the bar getting something fruity looking for Mary.

"I'm leaving. Now. Say something to Mary… I don't care."

His 'what the fuck' dissolved into an 'oh shit' as he looked over my shoulder and saw Hunter with the bimbo.

Like father like son… Melissa's evil words became a chant in my head even as I ignored Brad's proffered company and called in the black car we'd hired for the evening to take me back. Like father like son it may be but damned if I was going to be like the countless other females they'd trod over. Hunter, damn his black soul, was not going to come out unscathed.

I flipped open my cell phone. "Sean – hey it's Julia here… yeah, I wish I could too. Ah listen, if you see Hunter at the club tonight … he told me you guys were planning to hang out a bit there. Anyway, yeah, if you see him, make some excuse and send him home. No, to his apartment. No emergency… just … a surprise. What? Don't worry … I'll make it good."

I stormed up to his apartment where I intended to keep vigil till the rat returned to his hole. I slipped off my high heels, imagining how it would feel to bash their pointy heels into his head a couple of times. And after that –

"What are you doing here?" I had only waited some twenty minutes when Hunter was standing right in front of me sans his arm piece. I wondered if she'd dumped him.

"I'm here to bash your teeth in you creep … now the only question is whether you'd like to have it out in front of the neighbors…?"

He silently opened his door and the followed me in. I didn't even wait for the click of the latch before I tore into him.

"What the hell did you mean pulling that stunt?"

If I'd hoped to intimidate him, it was clearly not working too well because he took his time shrugging out of his jacket and hanging it up before he answered me. Perhaps I should've opened with the high heels.

"Oh you mean a stunt like one where I have to go to a party on someone else's invite to see the woman I'm with because she'd rather go there with her ex?"

"Dammit Hunter!" He was actually trying to turn this on me?! The worm. "I wasn't there with Brad and you know it… it was more for Mary."

"Right it was for Mary. Which is why you didn't want me there…"

"Exactly." His eyes darkened in anger and made me wince at how I sounded. "You know she's had a rough couple of days and I didn't think it was good for her to … interact with you right now."

"It's not about Mary. It's about you and the fact that you've drawn up a wall so high around yourself that I have no clue what the fuck is going on inside. Mary's always hated my guts but that's never stopped you before. So what's changed Jules? What's wrong?"

I glimpsed the confusion in his eyes for the first time and it put a lid on my anger even if it didn't drain it away. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong … Mary's just been – "

"Bullshit! Stop playing these twisted games with me."

And the lid was off again. "That's fucking rich coming from someone who just paraded another woman in front of someone he's supposed to be dating!"

He waved his hand as if dismissing the whole incident. "She was just an excuse…"

"Of course." I snorted with disgust. "What else are women to you other than some pleasurable excuse … if there was one thing that bitch Melissa got right, it was when she told me – like father, like son."

His voice was low when he spoke again and the pause before he did was so long that the silence rang worse than a five point alarm in my head.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Noth – "

He caught my shoulders and pushed right into my personal space. "The truth this time Jules. Tell me the fuckin' truth. What do you mean by that?"

His attitude seriously pissed me off even though in some remote corner of my brain there was a flashbulb realization that with any other guy, I'd have been afraid. Physically afraid of what he might do. And here I was, pushing right back at him, letting all my anger show without worrying that he might decide to use his fists … or worse on me. And then he gave me a small shake and everything disappeared in my flood of anger.

I whirled out of his grip. "Fine. You want to know what I mean by that – why Mary hates your fuckin' guts? It's because she knows who you are and is afraid for me because of that. She knows you're Carter's son … his biological son and she's afraid you're going to become just like him." I paused but he didn't jump in so I continued. "And after seeing you tonight I wonder if she isn't just right…"

"Was Mary … involved with him?" his body was held rigid in a way that said that he would rather be breaking something right then.

"Yes." I wondered if he really didn't know or was acting and then, sick and tired of this debate raging within, I just let go. "And she believes it was because of her that he left Beth … and you."

I met his eyes as he whipped around to face me and the only reaction I got was silence. Stunned silence.

"Then I feel sorry for her. It must've been hell to carry around that kind of guilt after being abandoned by the man you thought loved you. It was a pretty bad double whammy there."

Anger, I expected. Vengeance, I could deal with. But what was I supposed to do with this understanding…?

I looked away. "You don't know the half of it … she lost more than you can imagine Hunter."

He came back next to me but didn't touch me this time. "Yes, I'm Morgan Carter's son Julia. And yes, I hid that fact from you because frankly it's nothing I'm proud of. But now that you do know – and given that he did hurt your mother … how much of that is going to matter in our relationship?"

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't let him off just yet. "Doesn't it bother you that he left because of Mary?"

He sighed and leaned against the wall. "If it wasn't her it would've been someone else… he didn't do anything because of somebody's influence, he made everyone bend to his own. Make no mistake about it – he exploited her like he exploited everyone else." He gave a tight smile that was more an upward movement of his mouth than anything else. "On the bright side, at least you didn't turn out to be my half sister or something."

I winced, thinking of how close that possibility had been … he could've been Mary's child – the one abandoned and lost. A dull thunk made me open my eyes to see Hunter sitting on the sofa, taking off his shoes. While I'd been lost in my thoughts he'd lost the jacket and bowtie and as I watched, he was quickly down to a white tee and black boxers. I tried to maintain focus on the complicated issues in our lives but my libido kept coming out to beg like a poorly trained mutt. I closed my eyes again.

"So … you think you can still trust me?" He broke the silence that had stretched between us.

There it was – the perfect out for me. I could back away now – tell him this would never work and instead I heard myself asking, "What the hell were you trying to achieve at the party tonight?"

He blushed. He honest to God blushed and I didn't know quite how to take it, having never really seen that expression on him before. And then the why of it suddenly clicked in my head leaving me more incredulous than angry.

"Did you… want to … try to make me jealous?"

He nodded almost sheepishly from where he sat. "Yeah, I wanted to see … if you cared."

I didn't know whether to punch him or laugh in relief. "You fucking moron, ofcourse I care. Which was just why I didn't want to become one of those clingy, jealous girlfriends who leaves no room to breathe."

"No Jules, you just leave so much room that sometimes all I feel is the space between us."

"Fine. Fuckin' fine and dandy. You wanted me jealous and here I am – still wearing damn uncomfortable high heels in your room past midnight hoping to catch any bloody female who made a move on you so I can scratch her damn eyes out for looking at you."

I was angry but seeing him in his boxers was cranking up my arousal. Shit, I had to leave before I did something stupid like have crazy angry sex with him … followed by crazier make up sex. I had to use this incident like a solvent to thin the bond between us; I had to accept it and pull myself away so that when he actually did leave, I would be able to let him go.

So caught up was I in my mental tirade that I didn't even notice him get up and come up to me before he pulled me into his arms.

"I should say I'm sorry to have made you jealous, but I'm not," he growled softly in my ear, "now you know what I feel like every time some guy in a branded suit made a move on you at that party. It drives me fucking insane that they feel they can have you because they have the money, the cars, the addresses, the suits. It's all the right things but I can tell you that if you go for it, you'd be selling yourself short."

I had a feeling of déjà vu as I recalled Chris telling me about the mindless pursuit of the right things. Hunter was right – the right things did end up short because they couldn't give you what the being with the right person did. Having it all never made me soar like standing in arms did, even though I was rumpled and more than half mad.

"I'm still pissed with you." I began kissing him because I couldn't help it but I nipped, using my teeth in a series of small punishments up the column of his throat till I reached his ear and bit down harder on his earlobe.

His hands came down and gripped my hips hard as he moved against me and shuddered. His eyes opened and the edgy gleam I caught there made heat pool low in my gut. He caught my chin briefly between his teeth before moving his lips next to mine.

"Why? You didn't like a taste of your own medicine?"

I opened her mouth to protest but he must have been waiting for that because he covered it with his own. Bereft of words, I told him how I felt the only way I could – with my body. So we nipped and stroked, bit and laved, glided and slid, gasped and moaned and came and came and came.

A couple of hours later I found myself draped across him, feeling a little empty now that his body had left mine. I tried to move and decided it was too much effort.

I couldn't help the goofy smile that was even now starting to spread. God, but I loved being with him.

"I'm getting too old for this…" I mumbled against the lovely smooth expanse of skin on his chest.

"Too old for what? Sex?"

His voice sounded hoarse like his vocal cords were struggling to work. I loved that I did that to him.

"No, not sex." I lifted my head a little and looked up into his face as he cracked an eye open. I flashed him a grin. "Too old for cardiac arrest sex"

He smiled back and turned on his side, taking me with him.

"Mmm… cardiac workout is highly encouraged … especially at your age."

I mocked a move to pull away, but he'd held me tight against him. I squirmed to give him my back so that he spooned around me. That was the only way I could've said what I'd planned to.

"And I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I didn't care or that I was purposely encouraging Brad or whomever else. If there is something I do know, it is my own worth and all their money or successes don't add up to the critical point for me."

When he didn't say anything, I thought he'd gone to sleep and inwardly cursed because that meant I'd have to repeat my apology but then his arms tightened around me.

"It was stupid of me to make you jealous. What we have – what you've given me is special and I shouldn't have doubted that you'd care for it as much as I did. Besides," he bent his head and kissed the tip of my ear, "I know first hand that you don't share well."

Later that night I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Hunter was fast asleep with his arm around me. He smelt like sleep and something entirely too sweet to name. I couldn't help but place a kiss on his shoulder. Lying there all silvery in the moonlight with eyes I knew would be an unearthly indigo in that light he reminded me of the first time I'd seen him on a crowded dance floor and thought he looked fey. And he did … too fey, too beautiful, too much an Eros to my Psyche. And like the legend, he would leave me sooner or later and I wondered since when that thought had become so painful?

I breathed him in as I pressed into his shoulder but for once instead of my thoughts getting blurred, they became more acute. He was friend, companion, partner … lover. And it was that shatteringly simple truth that brought tears to my eyes. I loved him and that is why I was so confused about what he was to me and I to him and yet so obsessed by it.

Was it a sick love? I wasn't entirely sure but what I did know was that it somehow felt wrong that my treating him as a casual affair. Why was it alright to want him for sex but not for his mind, his emotions … for who he was?

No, it wasn't wrong but it was dangerous. Because who he was would change in front of my very eyes; our relationship relegated to the compartment of 'seeking experience with older woman' whereas for me it would remain a depthless pool that had found its way into the very core of me.

I lay in the darkness wanting to rejoice and cry at the fact that I had finally understood the sweet pain of love.

Chapter 51

I seriously love Saturday afternoons. There is something just so soothing about knowing that you have one more day off till the hassles of work rain down again … they're my little oases of 'me' time when I refuse to think of anything 'to do' or practical and simply have a personal free association session usually with a book in my hand and sprawled across my futon.

Lately, they'd become even better because I had Hunter to share them with. If someone had asked me before, I'd have said no way I could share that time without feeling … smothered or intruded upon. Before Hunter, I had spent very few of my Saturday afternoons with the guys I dated and even then with much reluctance. It hadn't mattered much because like me, they too worked Saturdays for most part. So I'd take my few hours to unwind before putting on my social face for the evenings dinner/ show/ party/ whatever. I loved that with Hunter that pressure of putting on a good face just wasn't there. Since he'd pretty much always known that I didn't have much of a life – if having a life meant being seen at the right places and having every weekend night booked months in advance – so I never had to hide the fact that I simply liked laying back and doing nothing as a regular part of my weekend. And it was imperative that I did so that day – spring has a sort of laziness to it that is meant to be savored.

It was the last couple of weeks before his graduation and the first whole Saturday we'd had a chance to spend together in a while. Since he had finished most of his courses early, he was only working on his senior thesis and had partly moved into the city to spend more time at the club which he and Sean were deciding to expand. We'd usually spend part of Friday and Saturday together before he'd head off to Three Cedars. I'd go with him but with my second year and exams, I hadn't been able to do so, making this Saturday extra special.

I think it was the fact that we were seeing each other for only about a day a week that finally made me decide not to worry about protecting myself against the hurt of breaking up and just enjoy what I had. I had Hunter for now and damned if I was going to spend that time worrying about the future. We were going to room together over the summer again this time with me working at a law firm. Bernard wanted me back again but I'd declined, wanting to give the whole law career thing a shot, but he hadn't given up completely. I had heard from him that very day that he was going to come up with something I couldn't refuse. I sighed. Some things never changed. My thoughts drifted on the tangent to Mary who had lately become more … tolerant I suppose. Well, at least she didn't give me dire warnings about Hunter every time I saw her and preferred to ignore that I was still with him. I had a sneaking suspicion that Brad had a hand in her new found acceptance but I couldn't ask her and he had brushed aside the idea when I'd asked him. All the same, I was grateful. Yeah, life was good indeed.

"So the guys are all gonna be at the club today – you wanna go?"

I smiled sleepily. Even if I wasn't crazy about him, sometimes I thougth I'd have dated Hunter for his friends. Hanging out with the guys had the exhilaration of viewing life as a series of possibilities and not an unending string of predictable small talk. If the latter was what came with maturity, I was glad to never have been afflicted with that particular syndrome.

I looked up to where he was sitting and doing the Times crossword and smiled at him. "Sure."

I'd have closed my eyes and semi-snoozed again except that he didn't go back to his paper and a peculiar expression crossed his face as he folded it away.

"What?" my voice was husky as I wondered if I should bother asking him to pull the shades so we could make out. Nah, let 'em watch! I smiled to myself.

"You know that its pretty rare for two people to be so comfortable with silence between them."

I opened my eyes again and looked at him. It was true I supposed – I was just so comfortable being myself with him that I never bothered with idle chit chat which I disliked and wasn't much good at in any case.

I fluttered my eyes half shut again. "Um-hmm. Lucky us…"

He came and sat next to me on the futon. "We have something special you know… and I don't ever want to lose it." O-kay what was up with the guy? I kept my eyes still half shut but my mind was more than awake.

"Jules – I … I…" I looked up at him then, starting to feel a little uneasy. "Will you marry me?"

I almost fell out of the futon and kicked him off as well in my scramble to get up. "What?! Are you crazy?!"

"No cher far from it – why won't you even consider the possibility Julia?" He had gotten that look of implacable calm and I knew I was in trouble. Shit.

"Hunter I'm in school still…hell, you're still in school" in undergrad I added to myself.

"Julia, love, we don't have to get married tomorrow you know. We can do something next year – or even the year after … but I want us to know where we're heading."

For a moment I was tempted to take that as an out. Who knew what would happen the next year – once I was back working who knew how things would change…but I couldn't do that to him. We'd always kept things straight between us and I didn't want to ruin that ever.

"Hunter… I don't know if that is the best thing for us."

"For us or for you?"

I wanted to rub my temples but I desisted. "No Hunter, I mean for us. You don't know how things would be once I start working again. I won't have as much time… I'll have a career to concentrate on…"

"Jules its not like you aren't concentrating on stuff even now… and there will always be careers and work but does that mean that you cannot have a relationship? We only see each other over the weekend now and still things are so good between us – don't you think that if we lived together it would be even better?"

"Oh Hunter… you need to experience … more… before you tie yourself down. There is so much to do out there…"

"And I can think of no one else better than you to do it with… I want you to be my partner in every sense"

Oh God, this was going to be even worse than I had expected.

"Hunter …" I really didn't know how to say this without hurting him. "There is a whole world of people out there... There are crazy gorgeous women whom you'll meet and like and…"

"Love?" He said the word softly but it hurt my ears worse than if he'd shouted it. Unable to say anything, I simply nodded.

"Are you now going to tell me that I don't know what love is? That nobody can find the love of their lives at my age?"

"No, I'm not. But Hunter I will tell you that you might be short changing yourself by not experiencing what's out there… no regrets, remember? And something like this has huge regret potential."

"Then just tell me something. What would your answer have been if I were say thirty one? An age where one is considered 'experienced'?"

I thought about that for a moment. "I think I'd have still said no. At this point, I feel my own life is in a bit of a flux… I need to determine where I'm going before I decide to – "

"Settle down? But we're aren't the 'settled' sort of people… neither of us could bear the suburban, picket fence life which is why it's even more important us to be together. Who else will understand why you dumped a career to do law or have our kind of ambition or understand the zen of an afternoon with the x-box?"

I smiled for his benefit but I was still troubled. "That is only part of the reason. I …" Ah shit. I hated, absolutely hated speaking about this part of my life but I knew then that I had to. He deserved no less from me. "I haven't had the best example of domestic bliss Hunter and really my faith in the whole marriage thing is pretty non-existent."

He came and wrapped me in a hug. "I know. But Jules, my love, I'm as much your father as you're my mother. We might hurt each other but it will never be with deliberation or intent and we'll be really sorry afterwards and the make up sex will be spectacular." He sat down on the futon and tugged till I sat in his lap.

"Hunter – being sorry doesn't make up for the hurt. My father was always sorry after the fact but that never stopped him from…"

I didn't want to talk about it but for once he wouldn't accept my silence. He tugged lightly at my hair till I looked at him again. "From what cher ?"

"He was abusive Hunter. He … he used to hit Mary…oh believe me, he was always sorry after the fact but that never stopped him from repeating it again."

He went very still beside me. "And you think I might do something like that too?"

"Oh God! Of course not! It's just … I don't believe in marriage Hunt. People are not static beings. We change … so the person you're promising yourself till eternity to will not exist ten years or five years or even a day from now…"

He laced his fingers through mine before he spoke. "But what if we change in the same way? What if the change is not internal but external and at the time when it comes, there is someone to tell you that you're still you and they still love you?"

How could I argue with this guy when he made me forget why I was arguing in the first place?

"But why marriage Hunter? Why can't we just be… just let things be like they are?"

He grinned but his eyes were sad. "Sometimes cher I think we live in a Hollywood romantic drama – except with our lines reversed. I'm the angsty girlfriend and you're the commitment phobic guy… but to answer your question it's because I want you just for me. I have found my match … my mate in every way and I want to hold on as tight as possible."

I got up to pace because I couldn't sit still any longer. "I'm not commitment phobic … I'm just … afraid Hunt."

He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. "Scared of what cher? Whatever it is, I know we can handle it…"

I let his words comfort me and let the words that came tumble out. "You don't know everything about me Hunter… and I'm afraid that if you find out you'll not … think of me as you do now."

"Is it anything that affects how you feel for me?"

"No." I turned around in his arms so that he could look into my eyes and see the truth for himself. "I don't think anything can change the way I feel for you." I gave him a quick smile. "And I tried, remember? I tried so hard to find anything to make me not feel but I just couldn't…"

He kissed me slow and sweet and when he spoke again, it took a while for the words to sink in because my senses were all swamped with how every word he spoke against my lips felt like a tiny kiss.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one so helplessly in love. You're the only one I've broken my own rules for … yeah… there's nothing I wouldn't do for you."

I sighed. I had to tell him. I had to … because I couldn't let him believe that blindly in me.

"Hunter … I've done some pretty bad stuff. And the worst of it could well land me in jail."

I waited for him to ask what I'd done but as usual he surprised me. "Was this to do with getting free of your bastard father?"

"Yeah."

This time he cupped my face so that I could see the truth in his. "Then there's no forgiveness needed cher. You did what you had to and all I regret is that I wasn't there to help you." And then he gave me a wicked grin and winked. "Besides I knew there was a reason you got along so well with the guys… birds of feather and all that…"

I swatted him lightly but he caught me before I could pull away. "So – will you marry me now?"

Everything in me wanted to say yes but then again, it was me… I needed to beat the idea to death and run down all the possible downsides before could up and take what I wanted, no, needed so desperately.

"I'll think about it."

He gave me a squeeze like that was exactly what he expected me to say (and it probably was) before he smirked. "Just remember though – because you're the one who dallied you now get to accompany me to hunt for rings as a late fee."

I laughed and stole in a quick breathless kiss. "Late fee huh? Well, you know what, I'll do one better – when I wrap my head around the whole me getting married thing, I'll not only buy the rings but I'll do the whole down-on-bended-knee thing for you."

"I'll hold you to that," he said and suddenly, in its own twisted way, it seemed like just the right thing to do.

Chapter 52

In the end, I decided on his graduation date to do the whole proposal thing. To my utter surprise, the idea of pledging myself to Hunter for life went down much easier than I anticipated probably because I knew that he was the only one who would ever be able to command that of me. The fact that I really couldn't find any way to beat myself up over the decision to marry him told me of its rightness but I decided to take the time and prepare the other people in my life for it.

"You both have been through more stuff with lesser support than most people ever encounter … so I really have no doubts about your making it together now that the going is good. Besides now I get to have you officially as my sister!" Christine's words had me blinking back sudden tears.

Brad was less subtle about it. "See – I was willing to bet Christine that one of the two of you was going to pop the question soon." And then, "Will I need to wear a tux?"

I knew I had to tell Mary but I kept putting it off, dreading how breaking the news to her would go. I cringed inside at the thought of her having another breakdown and decided to wait for the weekend so that I could stay with her if needed. My exams were starting in a week and I could scarce afford the time … and then I frowned at myself for thinking in that way. Priorities Julia, priorities but then of course my mind voice had to intone that in Mary's voice which only made me frown harder and then actually scowl when it went on to say, 'This is your marriage we're talking about – your Marriage which has to Take Priority Over All Else.' I was about to tell myself just what I thought of that idea when Hunter walked in.

"Cher you're back to having the look I was used to seeing on you whenever I came around when we first met."

So I gave him the evil eye and proceeded to vent my internal ramblings. "I might be thinking about the whole marriage thing but let me tell you this straight off the bat – it does NOT take priority over everything. I'm not relegating my exams or studies to the background and you'd sure as hell better not be thinking I'd do that with work." And then ofcourse my sense had to return and tell me that I just tore into the guy for something he didn't even say.

"See Hunter – this is what I was afraid of and look, its happening already. I'm turning into an irrational female and before you know it I'll be on your case all the time about stupid crap…"

To his credit, he didn't even crack a smile but just looped an arm around my shoulder. "Stupid crap like what?"

I waved an arm around as I went through the list of things Married Women were supposed to find important. I had a tough time deciding where to begin. "You know… stupid shit like curtain material or … or tableware or your clothes – except that you dress better than me … but you know what I mean. Its almost like a self destruct thing that's in-built and will go off the moment I say 'I do.'"

He sat down and tugged me into his lap before he spoke. "Has it crossed your mind that it may be me nagging you about the hosiery and tableware? For all you know I may be a closet house husband with all these grand plans of our suburban mansion that I will be furnishing while you support me in the lifestyle that I'm accustomed to."

To which there was only one thing I could say. "Well, at least I don't have to worry about finding you in bed with the pool boy…" which made him laugh, which made me laugh and think how wonderful his laugh felt rumbling in his chest and apparently he was thinking something along the same lines because the pursuit of 'setting rules on this marriage thing' was singularly abandoned for a while.

It was Hunter who brought it up again when he was spooned around me with his arm tucked around my waist perhaps to make sure I didn't bail on the conversation. Smart guy.

"I love you Julia. You – not some golden era housewife that I hope you turn you into … just yourself. Because that's who I know and that's who I want."

"Okay," I said and wondered how he knew to say the exact right thing to me every time. And how come my amazing grasp of English expressed itself in monosyllable replies.

"So … other than either of us turning into horrible nags how else is the thinking about marriage coming along?" he asked lightly but I knew he would keep after me till I gave him a reply.

"It's … good actually." I laced my fingers through his and pulled him closer. "It's coming along real good."

He sighed. "Great. Because Christine called me today to let me know that if I screw up her chance of getting you as a bona fide sister in law, she was going to kill me. Painfully and slowly."

I turned around in his arms then so that he could see the happiness that I didn't have words to express but needed to share. "Alright – I guess I have to marry you then in the interest of keeping my best friend from committing fratricide."

He didn't reply because we were too busy kissing.

"Did you tell Mary yet?" he asked some time later.

"I was going to – this weekend." Some of my earlier tension returned and he felt it too because he started massaging my back almost unconsciously.

"I want to be there with you," he said and a million platitudes burst into my mind before they were swept clear by the simple thought that yes, I wanted him there with me too. The discussion with Mary wasn't going to be an easy one and I could use the support and above all, a reminder of why making one of the most important people in my life unhappy was inevitable.

"I need to tell her alone." He opened his mouth to protest but I pressed my fingers against his lips and continued, "but I will need you after. I'm not spending that night alone even if I have to sneak you into the house."

"Oh good," he said, "do I get to climb ivy too?" which made me laugh all over again.

"Listen," he said, once I'd stopped laughing, "I want you to have my grandmother's ring." I could see he was getting embarrassed by the look that came into his eyes but he didn't waver. "My grandfather had gotten it from another old man who had been with his wife for sixty seven years before he died… my grandfather didn't see another wedding anniversary after my grandmother died. I know I sound like a romantic fool but…"

I stopped him with a quick kiss. "Nah… nothing foolish about some good luck. When do you want to go get it?"

"I was thinking this weekend … perhaps before you head over to Mary's? I need to tell Beth too and then ask her for the ring."

I started to nod and then grimaced. "Beth and Mary in one day?"

He heard the pain in my voice as his echoed it when he replied, "Think of it like a band-aid cher… better to be ripped off in one go."

*

He was right in that the day rolled by quickly but no less painfully for that. Anya told us when we arrived that Beth was doing better but that she'd been in one of her 'moods' all of the previous day.

I wanted to turn away right then but Hunter's resigned, 'It's probably as good as it'll ever get' made me stick on. If he could do this, at the very least I could stand by him.

Beth was in the smaller sitting room quietly humming to herself when we entered. The memory of that vacuous smile and soft humming still chills my blood.

She didn't seem to notice as we sat down or even when Hunter kissed her on her cheek.

"Beth," he said softly, "you remember Julia Strand, don't you?"

She gave me a quick once over – snubbing? Condescending? I wasn't sure and then went back to staring at nothing.

"Julia and I – we're getting married and I wanted to ask you for your blessing and for grandma's engagement ring."

She turned to him then a pout clear on her face. "But what about me?" she asked plaintively. "You said I was going to be the most important – always. That you were always going to be my darling boy and love me and take care of me… why do you need her?" Her voice had risen in childish petulance by the end and Hunter's face had drawn tight in mingling weariness and sadness.

He stroked her hair and said softly, "Beth of course I will always love you but I think… I need someone to love me too."

She jerked her head away. "I love you too but nooo… you men, you're all the same." A sly smile curved on her lips. "But you always did want to be daddy's boy, no? And you are – he left me too… he left you." A malicious gleam lit her eyes. "And guess who left with Hunter? Guess who was the reason that you didn't meet your daddy till you were six? Who made us poor and tried to snatch away your birthright?"

I blanched and lead fist gripped my guts even though I'd already had this discussion with Hunter. And I was consumed by this need to defend Mary even though I couldn't truly refute Beth's words or condone Mary's actions.

"Hunter knows. I told him what my ste-" I caught myself. If I was going to defend Mary, I was going all in. "My mother did. It was not right but she was a young girl not even out of her teens. The real culprit here is your late husband. The man ruined more lives than one should be able to and still have a peaceful death."

"But more importantly, Hunter and I cannot allow the past to dictate our lives forever. He cannot be held responsible for Carter's actions any more than I can for Mary's. What matters is the now and the future and that we've decided that ours will be together."

"You witch!" Beth spat the words at me as she jumped out of her chair. "How dare you? Coming into my house and telling all these lies about my husband? You and that whore – "

"Enough." My mind was saying the words that came out of Hunter's mouth. "I don't want to hear one more word out of you."

"But Hunter…" her voice wavered, tearing up and making me want to punch right through her sham, "I'm only defending what's mine…"

"Yours? I was never yours…" Hunter interjected, his words all the more powerful for their soft tone, "all I ever was was a bargaining chip for you with Carter. You never loved me … you never gave … but you took and you took till now I don't have anything more to give to you."

Without waiting for an answer, he left the room and the two of us shooting daggers at each other. As I moved to follow him, I heard Beth's whisper barely above my footsteps, "You will NEVER have him … you'll see I'll have him yet. He will leave you and come back home – he's mine, you hear? Mine!"

She ranted on but I was already out into the foyer and out of the house where Hunter stood braced against the rental car.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered.

I pulled on his arm till he moved a bit allowing me to slip between him and the car when I proceeded to wrap myself around him.

"Not your fault …" I whispered next to his ear, "but yeah, I'm sorry too. You deserved better… and I'm so proud of what you've done with your life Hunt. Most people would've crumbled long back – but my love, you're like Atlas you know. But I want you to know you're not alone anymore – I'm never letting you carry all this load on your own again."

I felt his arms go around me and we stood there in the driveway for a bit, just holding onto each other.

"And the bandage is only half off," he murmured into my ear with a weak smile.

In the end, despite my earlier plans, he came with me to Mary's place. At that point, neither of us wanted to be without each other. Mary took the news with an air of resignation and was carefully polite with Hunter, which I guess was better than the raving and ranting we'd witnessed with Beth but was an emotional drain of its own kind. I couldn't prevent a feeling of guilt envelope me that I was somehow letting her down, but holding Hunter's hand made it a lot better.

Mary caught me alone as we were preparing to leave.

"Jules…" she began hesitatingly and I almost asked her not to say anything thinking it was going to be another warning against what I doing. But I let her continue and was glad for it later because all she said was, "I didn't have anyone to tell me this – but I love you darling. And no matter what happens, you can always turn to me and I'll be there for you."

I didn't know what to say so I gave her a tight hug and left.

Chapter 53

Tired as I was, it was almost dawn before I was starting to drift asleep and was awakened by the humming vibrations of my cell on the night stand. I would've normally let it go to voicemail but since sleep was deluding me and since I was worried about who might be calling me at that hour, I took the call.

"Jules, its Chris…"

"Chris – what? Are you all right? Is Mary all right?"

"Yes. Hunter with you?"

"Yeah…"

"Good." Okay, now I was getting seriously worried and it didn't help any when she continued. "I was going to call him but I - I couldn't have told him myself so I'm going to leave that unpleasant task to you…God, I'm such a coward…"

"Chris what's wrong?!"

"Beth. Beth has ODed on some cocktail of alcohol, pills…" Chris sounded so tired, so defeated. "She's slipped into a coma – they don't expect her to make it…" wracking sobs shuddered through the phone before she got herself in control. "God, why am I crying … I barely even knew her and now she's …"

"Chris, Chris listen to me… I'm calling Mary. She's going to pick you up at the hospital and you're going to stay with her for the next couple of days. I'll see you at the hospital if I get there before else I'll come around to the house and see you. You're not going through this alone honey – I'll be there and Mary'll be there. Just sit tight till one of us gets there, ok?"

"Yeah, ok… Jules? I – I guess I'll see you" and the line went dead. I tried calling her cellphone but it kept going to voicemail … probably ran out of charge. I'd slipped into the living room to finish my conversation and called Mary from there. Assured that she was on her way, I went back to the bedroom.

Hunter was still asleep and my chest physically hurt at the thought of pulling him from the ease of oblivion and the hell I was going to shove him into. For a moment I considered simply not telling him, going to the hospital and arranging everything myself but I stopped my wistful, foolish longing to spare him the agony of what was to come.

Instead, I crawled up to him and gently cupping his face in my hands, I kissed him awake. He smiled a sleepy half grin as his arms went around my waist. I smoothened his hair off his face and when he would've bent to nuzzle me, I kept him facing up as I lightly touched his head, eyes, nose and finally his lips with mine.

"I love you, you know…" the words simply tumbled out of me as did the tears I could no longer control.

"Jules? Cher what's wrong?" He was sitting up now, trying to soothe me."Did you have a bad dream my love?"

I rested my head briefly on his shoulders before I firmly took his hands and looked him in the eye. "Not a bad dream … a nightmare… but it's not mine. I just had a call from the hospital…"

"Mary?"

I shook my head with a sad smile. "No, not Mary… Beth. She overdosed herself last this evening … it's … serious…"

Hunter shook his head. "That doesn't make sense. How could you … why would they call … how come I didn't hear of this?"

"Chris called from the hospital. She wanted to talk to you but I made her tell me…"

"No… this cannot be. They would not have called Chris before me…" he had pulled on his boxers and was pulling out his cell phone from his jeans and I knew the moment that he saw a series of missed calls from an unknown number.

I moved towards him but he brushed past, dressing quickly and efficiently.

"I'll drive you…" I said rather inadequately. I wanted so desperately to tell him that he could rely on me, could lean on me and that I'd never leave him alone in his grief. But now was not the time for words.

I started moving towards my closet to get dressed when his voice stopped me.

"I could've stopped this… if I'd been there. If I hadn't shouted at her today… "

For you. The accusation hung unsaid, its weight all the more ponderous for being like a crystal ball on a gossamer thread… one already felt the pain of the broken shards even though the ball remained suspended for the moment.

We drove to the hospital in silence.

Chris was waiting with Mary outside the ICU room where Beth now lay surrounded by machines. She opened her arms and I was stepping up to hug her when she threw herself around Hunter.

"I'm so sorry..." her voice was steady but its hoarseness was testament to the tears that had scorched their way through.

"Is she…?" his voice was so soft but the words somehow so loud.

"She – she went into cardiac arrest shortly after I had called and … and they … c-couldn't…"

Mary went and turned Chris into her arms where her broken sobs clenched me with their helplessness. Was I to be nothing but a hapless witness as this grief tore two people I loved most to bits? Even knowing that there was nothing I could've done, I felt like I'd failed them … especially Hunter.

He'd murmured something about wanting a little time alone and I stood pressed against the glass of the door not knowing what to do. I looked up to where Chris had again silenced in Mary's arms.

"I'm taking Chris home," she said as she met my eyes. I nodded. "Go to him." For a moment I was confused about what she meant but she made a sharp a gesture with her head before she was herding Chris out of there.

I moved to push the door but my strength seemed to have to have drained from me and I simply propped myself along it and watched them walk away along the corridor.

From the opposite direction I saw Brad approach. I'd forgotten he worked there. He stopped Mary with a hand on her arm but whatever she said made him visibly flinch and drop his hand. And then I was watching him watch them leave and something in his expression made me feel like I was intruding on a private moment. So before he could turn around and see me, I turned the room door and entered. As far as intruding in private moments, I had moved from the frying pan into the fire. Hunter was sitting on the edge of Beth's bed and holding her hand.

"She always did look so peaceful asleep. I hope she has found –" his voice broke and I went and hugged him tight as he cried. I held him – half sitting, half standing as sobs wracked his body and said not a word for the entire time we were there. After all, what words could one offer for the loss of a parent who had been more a child that one had brought up?

Chapter 54

The next couple of months were, in a word, numbing. Hunter had moved to Three Cedars to take care of the estate while I was tied up with my exams. And it wasn't until he'd disappeared that I even came to realize what was happening.

At first, he'd just sounded distracted – when I'd call him, he'd always have the litany of 'I'm fine, just busy sorting through things here' which I wish I hadn't taken at face value but with my exams going on, I didn't have much choice in the matter.

The moment I'd finished, I called him to say I'd come down to Three Cedars the next day.

"Don't," he said, "I am going through Beth's personal stuff and I … I need to be alone for that."

I didn't know what to say and nodded mutely at the receiver even as tears stung at my eyes. It hurt to be pushed away but I knew he was hurting worse and thought that the last thing he needed to deal with was my hang ups… oh well, wrong again.

What finally tipped off my unfortunately latent sense of alarm were the calls he started missing. When he finally answered it was to tell me that he needed some space… that he'd be in touch when he'd sorted some stuff out. Even I wasn't dense enough to let it go at that but by then he'd moved from Three Cedars and all he would tell me was that he was bunking with 'one of the guys.'

That had hurt. A lot. And I hadn't heard from him since. Fine, if that was the way it was to be, so be it. I had always known this would happen, I told myself, a petty condolence.

"Still no word from him?"

I had spent the ten minutes since I'd entered the house anxiously awaiting Mary to start her questioning, wondering if I would do something ridiculous like burst into tears. I didn't but my attempt at a smile and a short shake of my head was probably equally pathetic. When she pulled up a chair next to me on the kitchen table I tried to convince myself that her 'I told you so' would not hurt that much. It wasn't working very well and I was trying to mentally brace myself when she said, "So what are you going to do about it?"

I constantly underestimate her ability to surprise me.

"Do about it? Nothing – what can I DO about it?"

"Oh Jules, please…" she sounded exasperated – exasperated with me! "Call him up…"

"I tried. He … uh… needs some time."

"Did he say so?"

I nodded and got up with the pretence of getting water because even with her surprising me with this line of questioning, it wasn't throwing me off the singular pain that I was experiencing.

"And you believe him?"

I paused midway between trying to swallow the lump in my throat with copious amounts of water. "For fuck's sakes Mary, when I was with him you couldn't wait to see the last of him and it's happened, ok? Just leave it damn well be. The guy's dumped me … as you have always predicted he would … and although I may not have enough sense at times, I do have pride enough to not grovel."

She didn't answer me, angrily or otherwise and after letting the silence stretch out I turned out to face her. She came and stood before me then and hugged me. I felt like a little shit. She had been helping me from the start and when she tries to make me feel better for my own stupidity, I had to go and explode on her.

"Look Mary, I'm…"

"The boy is hurting Jules…" I tried to turn away but she kept a firm grip on my arms. "He's hurting quite badly and he struck out at the person closest to him – you."

"He told me in no uncertain terms that he wanted to be left alone…"

"And if I'd said that, or Chris had, would you have left us alone?" Perhaps she knew that I wasn't about to answer that one because she continued, "Then why is he any different? Go to him Jules – he could really use a friend, if not a lover."

That word smarted so much that I broke away as if to hide a gaping wound in my chest that her words had reopened. "I really don't get you Mary. All this while … all this while when I was with him all you could tell me was how it was a bad idea and how ridiculous it was for me to get involved with him and now… now that I'm getting over it, you want to shove me back to him."

She came over close behind and touched my shoulder. "That is it exactly. I hadn't thought… there would be any getting over part. You see, I – I refused to see him as anything but a novelty till now when I realize how you hurt without him … how much more … yourself… you were with him."

She was right. I had never felt more comfortable, more…me and a sense of belonging than with him. But if I went to him and he turned from me again, I didn't think I could have taken it. All I could think was how bad it hurt then and here was Mary telling me to take the risk of making the pain unbearably worse in the hopes of making it better. But if she was right and Hunter was hurting too, then even if I couldn't muster the courage for myself, I had to for him.

*

I turned my rental car into the driveway at Three Cedars and thought, not for the first time, that the house really needed to be sold off. Too many ghosts kept the Evans-Carter saga alive here. I rang the doorbell and no one answered. Damn it, he was not going to get away with this again.

After speaking to Mary, I had called Sean intending to pester him till he told me where to find Hunter.

"What took you so long to call?" he asked by way of greeting.

"Shoring up all the stuff I need to tell that boy of mine when I get to him – and you're gonna tell me how."

He gave a short bark of laughter at that. "Yeah? Well, I'm on your side – the boy needs some major telling off…"

"Where is he Sean?"

He sighed. "I'm not totally certain but I'd think Three Cedars."

So much for being on my side. "Cut the bull – he told me himself that he was staying with one of the guys and I know you can tell me exactly where."

His voice was sad when he answered again. "He was staying with Rowdie but he … hasn't been doing well. Staying holed up and drinking and not talking … anyway, I went to talk to him and tell him to pull it together and most of all not to push people away. It didn't end well … we had words and maybe some fists and he took off for Three Cedars."

"Jesus." Was all I could say.

"Yeah … someone needs to save him legs – but I don't think it'll be Jesus…"

His voice echoed in my mind as I took a few pebbles and tossed them at the bedroom windows where he might be moping and despite my piss poor aim, actually managed to hit them fairly regularly. When there was still no answer, I yanked off my sunglasses. Right- time for desperate measures.

I tossed the sunglasses in the car and made my way to the front porch and grabbed the sturdiest vine of ivy growing there. I had only managed my way a third of the way up and was already getting second thoughts about my actions and cursing my lack of foresight that I'd decided to wear a cream colored silk shirt.

"What in the bloody world are you doing up there?"

Chris's voice startled me enough to almost make me lose my grip and slither to the bottom. As it were, I did slither down, but with far more grace than I would have otherwise managed.

"Trying to get into the goddamn house, what does it look like I was doing?"

She was trying not to laugh and failing. At that moment I didn't care what she said to me, all I could think was how good it felt to have her laughing with me again. The memory of her looking lost at the hospital was still a bit too fresh for me.

"You know there is a front door …" she spluttered between bouts of laughter, "almost next to your chosen – uh – entrance. Granted it is a bit tamer than climbing the ivy but a bit more effective."

"I tried ringing – no one opened."

"Maybe because nobody's here."

I had made my way to my rental car by then and almost hit my head on the window frame where I was leaning in to get my sunglasses out.

"What do you mean there's nobody here?"

"Didn't Hunter…?" Chris bit back whatever else she was about to say and I focused on the fact that she looked flustered and oddly that helped me remain calm. Sort of numb, but calm. "…selling the house." My attention snapped back to her only at the end of whatever she had been saying. So Hunter hadn't been pushing everyone away. Maybe he blamed me for Beth… maybe he was just looking for a good out. Anyway, it was good they were selling that damn mausoleum. Really, it was wonderful everyone was moving on and maybe like the estate, I too was a relic of the past that needed to be swept aside.

"Jules?" I turned my attention back to Chris. "Are you alright?"

"Oh yeah. I was just … uh… wondering how much you're expecting to get out of it."

She looked over ruefully at the house. "I'm not really that involved in the sale … Hunter's pretty much taking care of it all." She looked back at me. "I'd offered to – but I felt it should be his choice. I'd always thought it was more of a home to him than to me… guess it wasn't much of one to him too."

I wanted to get away before she could continue on about him. He'd moved, was selling his house and hadn't even told me when or where he was moving.

"Listen, I think he's coming by this evening to pick up some stuff… he's moved into the city you know. Here, let me…"

"N-no. I was leaving anyway… just came around because I was visiting Mary…"

"I spoke to Mary… you were there to visit her yesterday Jules. Don't try to tell me you were here to make up for skipped gym lessons…"

I waved her away, suddenly too tired to keep up appearances and excuses. "No, I wasn't, but I got what I came for Chris." She was holding out the paper where she had written his contact information. I took it and tore it up without looking. "You don't want to be doing that… with my tarnished record of being a cradle robber giving me your baby brother's information is not a good idea."

She hmmphed her opinion and gave me a fierce hug. "He sure isn't a baby even if he IS acting with the maturity level of an infant. That doesn't make you a cradle robber honey, it just makes him a cretin."

I sniffled and gave a watery sob. "People cope in different ways Chris. If being a cretin is helping him move on and unload some of the burden he's been carrying all his life, I would just leave him to it."

"Oh honey, he doesn't deserve you."

I pulled back from her embrace and wiped off my eyes. "Who does…?"

But Chris wasn't yet ready to let me make it light between us again. Her own makeup was smudged and for once she wasn't even making a move to fix it. "Want me to go knock some sense into him?"

When I didn't respond, she sighed. "He'll get over this … whatever… he's going through. Don't give up on him Jules…"

I couldn't take it any more. "It isn't me who's doing the giving up Chris. Look after him, ok?" And then I turned around and left.

Chapter 55

I moved into the city for that summer and tried not to compare it with the previous one. I saw Chris and Brad regularly maybe because they refused to let me be but Hunter I saw only once by accident. It was at a grocery store and like a complete chicken I hid behind the aisle I was walking down. Within a few moments, I was glad I'd done so because a pretty Latino girl came and linked her arm through his. She said something and he smiled. As he was bending towards her, I turned around and left the store. Watching Hunter kiss someone else was beyond what I could tolerate.

I went back home, called into work and told them I wouldn't be coming in the next day and called Brad to get plastered with.

"Don't tell Chris. I need to unload and I don't want her to think she has to pick a side," I told him.

I didn't wait for his reply, just hung up and waited till he showed in person. It wasn't until my fourth vodka tonic that I even attempted to talk.

"Thanks for not rubbing it in…" I began, vaguely aware that I had started slurring.

He gave me a humorless smile then. "We're all a bunch of broken hearts walking around," he said and even though my haze I realized that he hadn't been taking it slow either.

Suddenly, there was something other than my own self pity to occupy me. "Brad, what happened?"

"Love. Hurts like a bitch though, huh?"

Jesus. I must've been really out of it to have never noticed.

"Who is she Brad? Do I know her?"

"Maybe. But it doesn't matter anyway…"

I held his hand and forced his gaze up to me. "What happened?"

He shrugged and looked away. "Same old… I love her and she… it's complicated…"

A sick dread fell over me. Could it be…? "Is it me?" I asked before my subdued mental responses had a chance to catch up.

This time the smile was genuine, more amused than anything. "I want to say yes just to see that horrified expression on your face again, but it isn't. We," he added, signally between us, "tried this, remember? And it wasn't really earth shattering… so yeah, sorry sweet heart but you didn't get to break this heart…"

I clinked the ice in my glass. "Nope, I seem to specialize in getting mine broken rather than doing the breaking…" Before I could control them, I felt the tears well and start making their way down my face.

*

I set the phone down still feeling slightly dazed. In the few weeks to my penultimate semester beginning, it was the first time that my breakup with Hunter wasn't foremost in my mind.

When Bernard had called, I hadn't expected anything other than his usual 'forget law – come back to work' litany. In fact, his call itself had been unexpected since I had thought he'd have still been miffed about my turning down his (rather generous) offer to do some hands on legal work. I had been surprised how well I had taken to it and had ended the summer with an offer to join a prestigious although small firm in their growing venture law practice. Although I was still 'considering' it, I had almost as good as accepted their offer – I mean, if I could do that well with my personal life fresh from the shredder, think of what I'd be able to do once I'd gotten over him for good…? Assuming of course that I did get over him…

I pushed my doom and gloom thoughts aside to refocus on Bernard. The crux of our conversation made me feel that either I had seriously underestimated myself while I was working with or he had. He was starting a new company in Europe and wanted me to be his second in the London headquarters. This time however, instead of raising and investing money, he wanted to consult other funds in this matter. Other than the pure market advise, he wanted it to include legal counsel as well and I would have the opportunity to work extensively with the senior lawyer he'd already decided to bring on board. It was, in a word, perfect. And truth be told, part of the appeal was the idea of going away to a new city for a bit since nowadays all my previously favorite haunts resonated with the loss of sharing them with Hunter. So much for sharing all with the love of your life…

The only problem would be completing enough credits this term to ensure that I graduated on time but then again, the lack of a personal life was definitely handy to inspire one to work like a demon.

*

"So you're doing it, huh? Leaving all your near and dear for wet weather and… and… blood pudding?!" Chris was trying to sound indignant over the phone and completely failing. She'd been even more enthusiastic about the idea of my going to London – but the fact that Mary, whom I believed I'd have to cajole into accepting this new twist in my career, also whole heartedly supported it told me just how melancholy I must've seemed to everyone.

Anyway, all that was done and behind me now, I decided. It was nearing Thanksgiving and I'd be spending that week conducting meetings with the rest of the team Bernard had assembled. And yeah, even though I'd miss being with Chris and Mary, I really wasn't up to spending a holiday in the city just yet.

To make up for the traditional holiday we were having a pre-celebration of sorts and since I suspected Brad would insist on what he called was the tradition of me getting shit faced on TG, I was letting Chris do all the driving.

When the doorbell rang I was surprised that she should be there early considering that she'd been picking out some cutlery or crockery or some household stuff beginning with 'c' with Mike. They were planning a summer wedding and lately she'd been all about playing house. There hadn't been an engagement bash because neither had the time she said but which I knew was more to keep me from having a complete breakdown if Hunter showed – a fact I was in equal parts mortified by and thankful for.

I opened the door with a ready smirk which died when I saw Hunter on my doorstep.

"Can I come in?" he asked after I stood gaping at him for a bit.

"What for?" I retorted not just out of rudeness (although that was a great side benefit) but because I was genuinely confused about what he was doing there.

"I would really like to talk – if we could … talk for a bit… I need you to …"

"I know – talk. So talk. I don't see why I need to feed you or share my couch while you do so." So it was petty and childish but it was the best I could come up with ok? Give me a break here…

He shook his head as if in resignation and then looked straight into my eyes. "Don't go…"

Excuses, I had been expecting, explanations definitely. Maybe a 'best of luck with your life' too… but this?

"Listen buddy – you don't…"

"…because of me." He completed his sentence as mine died in my throat.

Right. What was I expecting anyway? That he'd come here to beg me to stay, to be with him…? Well, expecting, no but hoping, yes.

I got out of the way and motioned for him to come in. Now I didn't want the neighbors listening either.

"I'm not going anywhere because of you Hunter. I'm going because of me." Before he could jump in, I cut him off, "And before you think its one of those cliché 'its-not-you-its-me' deals, it isn't. Fact of the matter is that I received an offer which I would have seriously considered had I even been with you and would have been a complete fool to turn down now."

I heaved a tired sigh. "So if you've assuaged your guilt now…"

He laughed in a short humorless bark. "My life is a guilt trip alright – just one that's likely never going to be assuaged."

That was it – I'd had quite enough of his 'I'm a martyr attitude.' "Oh fuck you Hunter! If you want to go around moping and beating yourself up for the rest of your life – go right ahead. But do it in front of me and I'll REALLY give you something to feel miserable about."

"I promised to take care of her – I promised and I failed. And it was my fault to begin with…" his tortured voice would've had any normal human melting with sympathy but if he wanted normal he shouldn't have been speaking with me to begin with.

"Do you remember one of our earliest conversations about your savior complex? You can't save someone from themselves Hunter. And the fact of the matter is, Beth may have given you birth, but she was no mother to you. She was a selfish, manipulative and disturbed woman who was willing to kill herself to ensure that you were always firmly in her clasp – her puppet to be made to dance by the force of your guilt. And looking at you now, I can say she's done a bang up job of it too."

I expected him to storm away – to call me unfeeling but he just accepted it all.

"I have … come to understand that after this time. Sean tried to tell me before but I wasn't ready to listen then. But what he – and you – don't understand is that I deserve it all. It is the least of what I deserve for what I did."

"What did you do for fuck's sake that could've been that bad?" My hurt, rage and frustration boiled up as I shook him hard and heard the next words fall free from me as if I had shaken them loose too. "I killed my father Hunter – I KILLED him and even I manage to have a life beyond self castigation. Can you top that?"

He looked as shocked as I felt. Holy hell, I had actually let those forbidden words fly.

"Killed him – how?" he asked his voice sounding almost normal and making me respect him for that.

"The last time he decided to let his fists fly – I decided that they weren't going to any more. Not on me and not on Mary. We – scuffled and he fell – I pushed him – down the staircase. His neck was broken but he'd also suffered a massive coronary during the course of his fall so it was written down as an accident with my part neatly omitted."

When he spoke again, his conviction rang true in his words. "But don't you see – it was just that – an accident. He'd probably have died that night of a coronary in any case. And even if that wasn't the case – it was self defense Jules. He deserved it – and more…"

I felt… absolved. It wasn't something I thought I needed nor indeed wanted. But having been offered it so freely I realized what a burden had been I had been carrying all those years only once his words lifted it. I turned back to him.

"You didn't answer my question. Tell me why Hunter – why this ceaseless atonement?"

He had once told me that I was the only one for whom he'd broken his rules. Well, it was time for me to pay him back – I was going to, for the first time, violate my maxim to never attempt to save one from themselves. For him, I had to try.

"Do you know how I found out I was Morgan's son?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No, how?"

"I overheard them – Morgan and…my mother fighting," he said. "I first heard him shouting at her – telling her how he would throw her out if he could… and her weeping." He closed his eyes as if to close in all the pain and the guilt. "I was sixteen at the time and I can't tell you how much Carter's approval meant to me at the time – or why it meant that much…"

I took his hand then. "You don't have to explain. I know."

He nodded once, as if in acknowledgement of our common folly and continued.

"I heard him tell her that she'd tricked him into getting pregnant – telling him that she was on the pill when she wasn't. He said she'd been blackmailing him ever since and that he… he wouldn't have given her or me a damn if I didn't unfortunately bear an uncanny family resemblance. And then the coup de grace," Hunter gave a tight smile that was anything but amused, "he said she'd threatened to go to the tabloids with my photos if necessary…"

I thought I'd understood evil before then but to hear the extent that Beth had been willing to go to brought a whole new definition to that term.

Hunter's voice brought me back from my thoughts. "I waited for her to deny it – to say anything that might show that it wasn't true and when she didn't … I felt beyond hurt by both of them – I felt betrayed. And that evening… that evening when I took her the sedatives she always needed after one of those fights, I – I gave her an overdose…"

So that was when… Anya's story about Beth's previous overdosing came back to me.

"So how come you didn't give her a lot more? I mean she would've pretty much taken any dosage you handed her, right? So why settle for a mild overdosing?"

The sheer astonishment in the look he gave me spoke volumes on how out-of-the-blue he thought my question.

"Well…" the question gave him pause to truly want to think about the reply. "I was sixteen you know…"

Oh no, I wasn't going to let him get away with that "…but not a moron. Even at that age, having handled her medications for the time that you had you had to have known…"

"I don't know Jules… " he sounded irritated now, "I guess I could've given her more if I really wanted to do a thorough job but I wasn't exactly an expert at killing people."

"Exactly. What you lacked was the inclination…not quite the cold blooded murderer after all huh?"

This time he caught on to where this was going. "That doesn't change the fact that I did her irreparable harm… she was never the same after that episode. That's when all the … other problems began."

"Hunter – a sedative overdosing was not what caused her mental breakdown. That was going to happen anyway – probably as a result of that last grapple with Carter."

"Don't excuse what I did Julia." He closed his eyes as if to shut out my words.

"No excuses Hunter – just the truth. The truth is that you were mad and hurt and accidentally gave Beth a non lethal overdose which coincided with her mental breakdown. You can blame yourself for getting pulled into this cycle of events but not for trying to deliberately kill her or causing her breakdown."

"But I promised to keep her safe after that and I failed in that too."

"Jesus – where do you get off on this martyr train? The one person whom she needed to be kept safe from the most was herself – and how were you going to do that?"

Ok so I got snappish but being a newcomer to this working out other people's headbugs was a new occupation for me.

He continued like he hadn't heard me, "I can't trust myself to take another pledge with someone I love only to break it … I can't…"

"Can't be in a situation where your heart is involved? That certainly doesn't stop you from getting some – convenient, isn't it?"

It was petty of me, true, but the anger I had been suppressing since I had seen Hunter with that other woman finally bubbled through.

"What woman?" his act of confusion only set me off more.

"Oh so there have been so very many huh?"

"Julia, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about!"

"I saw you Hunter – with a Latino woman in the supermarket…"

"Latino…" his expression cleared, "that was Rowdie's sister – and he had kicked me out of his place to get something but stale air even if it had to be at the pretext of helping his sister grocery shop."

A sly smile spread across his face making me smile back at him as he'd always been able to do.

"Why cher… are you jealous?"

"Why you little…" I lunged at him and caught myself short. It would be so easy to forget for a bit and fall back into the light happy routine we'd made for ourselves.

"So where do we stand Hunter?" although it made me tense as hell to ask, it was something that needed to be said out loud.

"Julia – I … need some time…"

I nodded slowly and my voice came out normal, if flat, which surprised me considering how wretched I felt.

"There's only so many times you can push someone away before they really do turn away from you…" I went to the door and opened it. "Maybe you should go now."

Chapter 56

I scanned through the passengers waiting for their flights but not seeing the one I wanted. I winced thinking of the theatrics I was going to indulge in but at the same time, it made me smile to think of the countless laughs it was going to afford my love for the next decade or so…

Hunter scanned a crowd once more and froze – the same as the woman standing in front of him.

Now I wish I had rehearsed something – the apology for being an ass, declarations of my undying love, how I felt all achy without her, anything really would have been a step up from gawping like a goldfish. Smooth Evans, real smooth.

They moved towards each other. "I'm…" "Go ahead" "You first" they caught themselves and she managed to get in a full sentence. "I'm sorry I pushed you so hard that day."

"I'm glad you did," he whispered. "I think we can add an addendum to your maxim – you can't save people from themselves but for those who you love, you'll still try."

She didn't say anything and the nerves I'd been trying to hold at bay fired up again. I had been an ass to walk out of her apartment last week… well, my sister had been more descriptive but 'ass' covered the territory quite well according to me.

After I'd left that day, I went and saw Sean after weeks. He told me in his usual delicate way that it was high time I got my head out from my ass. I don't know if I'll be ever able to stop feeling a pang of sorrow every time I think about Beth or regret the part I'd inadvertently played in her life being the miserable, short lived one that it was but I had begun accepting it and yes, even forgiving myself. I think what finally brought me to that was seeing how my endless guilt and consequent isolation was hurting Julia… I might not ever be able to atone to the dead but at least I needed to ensure that the same didn't happen with the living.

He reached down to pat his pocket as if looking for something.

"I brought you something," he said, "and I have all of – oh thirty minutes before your flight and well, the seven hours on it to make you keep it for me."

She took the box that he'd given her and opened it. Inside was a band striking in its simplicity and engraved in it were the words 'My Heart.'

I realized then that loving her would always carry that edge of risk that I might not be able to keep all my promises and that she would tire of me and leave. But what was I good at if not playing the odds? She finally looked up at me and I knew that I was about to embark on the riskiest venture of my life.

As he watched, she sank down on her knees.

"Jules… what the – ?"

She smiled at him then – a wobbly smile with suspiciously bright eyes. "I seem to remember we had an agreement."

Reaching inside the breast pocket of the jacket she wore she pulled out a ring that she'd gotten at what seemed now like a long ago graduation event.

"Hunter Lee Evans" she said, "would you do me the honor of becoming my husband?"

Okay so she was going to make me cry. Yup, pretty unmanning that – the only consolation was that she was getting all teary herself… who'd have thought that the two of us would indulge in such complete sappiness?

I sank down to my knees almost unconsciously and I bet my grin would have frightened small children right then. I guess their parents were just going to have to deal because my love sported a grin equally maniacal.

"Cher, I thought you'd never ask," he said and their subsequent lip lock had them garner an equal number of indulgent smiles as well as disapproving frowns.

The first boarding call for the flight put an abrupt stop to their joyous hysterics and made her raise her head from where she'd rested it on his shoulder.

"I have already accepted Bernard's offer though…" she said, a hint of worry creeping back into her voice.

"Well," he said, picking up himself and her, "I hope whatever he's offering you lets you keep me in the style I'm accustomed to…mmff" His next words were muffled by the lips that suddenly landed on his.

Cheeks more than a bit flushed, she tore herself away again, this time to pick up her bag and hand it to him.

"So you might as well start making yourself useful now…" she laughed, and then added in a more serious tone, "what about the club and all though?"

He looped an arm around her as they started walking towards their gate. "Sean is there to look after the club – plus he's actually offered to buy me out and I'm seriously considering it. I think I need a change of scene and … brace yourself… a vacation. Plus it isn't like London would be lacking in opportunities for whatever I might want to do next."

He beamed a dazzling smile at the checking agent making her almost drop their boarding passes. As it were, her composure was severely tested again when she heard the gorgeous brunette the hunk was with say in a low voice that unintentionally carried through the tunnel, "You're such a flirt Hunter – making that nice lady drop our boarding passes and all…I'm marrying a playboy…"

And an equally laughter filled voice answer, "Oh yes Cher that you certainly are… I'm the boy you get to play with over and over again."

"Hunter!" the exasperation was evident even in the fading voice.

Ignoring the next person in line, the attendant strained to hear the last words, "I'm in love Cher – I'm allowed to be improper…" before she could hear no more.

THE END