#501 Lemons are brilliant; they allow you to have fun in ways that are physically impossible.

#502 I left the womb for this?

#503 I hate science! It takes the fun out of life. I was quite happy thinking unicorns were real.

#504 The universe is laughing behind your back.

#505 Always plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

#506 We Americans, we're a simple people… But piss us off and we'll bomb your cities.

#507 You can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.

#508 "Luck is my middle name," said Rincewind, indistinctly. "Mind you, my first name is bad."

#509 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

#510 Guys, I'm a realist. Okay? I try not to romanticize reality. You know, like when life gives you lemons… you probably just found lemons.

#511 The very existence of flamethrowers proves that someone, somewhere, said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

#512 "We've just agreed that it's harmless." "Yeah, well, I still hope it bites you."

#513 GAIZ, GAIZ. I have a solution. …Threesome?

#514 How can you "taste the rainbow" when there isn't even a blue Skittle in the original package?

#515 We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love

#516 You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."

#517 It's the latest philosophy that's sweeping the nation! Weirdism! Be strange and be proud of it! Embrace your eccentric ways! If anyone says to be otherwise, throw a monkey at them and pour fish down their pants.

#518 And then we shall take the scallops, and we shall walk the scallops in the sink. It looks easy, but it really isn't.

#519 "Oh, so you are alive…" he said, looking disappointed.

#520 I distrust camels, and anything else that can go a week without a drink.

#521 He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher… or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

#522 I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.

#523 I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world.

#524 If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English.

#525 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

#526 On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment: half time.

#527 I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

#528 America is the sort of country where you have a Chinese woman serving you Mexican food and telling you to eat it in Italian.

#529 You know the person who found out you could get milk from cows? … What were they doing?

#530 Me, I'm dishonest. And you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest, honestly. It's the honest ones you have to look out for. Because you never know when they'll do something… stupid.

#531 I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

#532 People say I'm crazy for talking to myself. I say I'm just glad to have found an intelligent conversation.

#533 There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

#534 Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

#535 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.

#536 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always gets killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?

#537 One time, I got a dog and named him Stay, and every day I would say, "Come here, Stay!" Eventually he just went insane.

#538 In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check.

#539 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

#540 Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.

#541 It may be winter outside, but it's always summer in your arm pit.

#542 I had a linguistics professor who said that man's ability to use language is what makes him the dominant species on the planet. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

#543 Did you ever walk into a room and then forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

#544 You can stump any stoner with one question: What were we just talking about?

#545 I'm not a follower! I'm a leader with the same idea!

#546 Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children.

#547 If you pull the wings off a fly, would it still be called a fly, or would it be a walk?

#548 If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

#549 Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet."

#505 I do for bullshit what Stone Henge does for rocks.


I have no excuse. The point is, I got bored. My love of quotes and sayings didn't die, it was my motivation for typing them all out suffered. Please, feel free to throw tomatos and blunt objects at your discretion.