I came across you in your car in the parking lot while you were leaving school.

it's all my fault. I shouldn't have looked. it was raining, I was wearing a hood, you didn't even know it was me. I could have just kept going, head down, and not looked back at the bright blue car I saw in the corner of my eye. bright blue, the color in which guts are twisted, palms loosen, grips are lost.

everything proceeding from that moment was completely my fault.

your "FREE SHAMU" sticker confirms it. I see you, and then you see me.

I wave. I wave. stirring my own madness.

you see me, and in your seat you turn your, long precious body and give me the smile. which is wide and excited like a dog.

it's the smile you dawn when opening doors, when you're too awkward and tense to get by using words. so you throw this smile at me that hits like a cold sharp wind.

and it fucks with me in the worst way. it makes me want to shout "goddamnit! you left me! I demand you stop looking at me like that, you have no right! don't you get it yet asshole?!"

and this smile, gets me so deep each time, that I can't stop my head from shaking, as if to say. "damn it, this is all no good." because I don't understand, why it is you dawn this smile when you see me. you should not be, excited, you should, hate yourself. I am a reminder of your, boyness. of a mistake you made.

and I can't see you well enough to know, if you saw me shake my head, the exhaustion you caused me, which means, hopefully, that you didn't.

and I can get jack done after that. I can only sit in my desk and hope to god you were leaving. because seeing you twice in one day, seeing that smile. would be absolutely, debilitating for days.