Part Two- Numbness

"Are you going to homecoming?" my biology partner Mindy asked me with innocent eyes.

Her question broke me out of my daze of hurt and confusion. I had no intention of going to homecoming. Another reminder of the fact that I was alone.

I missed Michael.

I missed Michael.

I missed Michael.

A lot.

"Hello? Katie? Did you hear me?" Mandy asked.

I snapped out of my train of thought.

"Oh, no Mandy, I'm not", I said.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Me and Michael just broke up. I can't even think about it. And imagine seeing all of those in love couples slow dancing and kissing? I don't think I can take it right now", I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry", she said. "I didn't mean to make you angry."

"That's okay. Are you going Mandy?" I asked.

"Yes, I am", she said, smiling happily in excitement. "I just bought the most beautiful light blue dress, with matching shoes. I can't wait!"

I smiled politly. I wish I could have been that excited, that innocent, that unaware of my pain.

"I hope that you have a great time. Are you going with anybody?" I asked, trying to a more uplifting conversation. I was trying to block out the pain. In a way, it was kind of working.

"Unfortunatly, no. I'm too shy to ask this guy that I really like. I'm scared that he will say no", Mindy said.

"Aw. Don't be. You should just ask him would he be willing to go to homecoming with you", I said. The hold in my chest expanded. It hurt right now to think about love. It reminded me of Michael. I shuddered. I would not think about Michael.

No. No. No. It hurt too much. The hole burned.

"Thanks Katie. I guess you're right. I could give it a try", she said, smiling. I bet she was anticiapating the moment when she finally got the nerve to ask, and he said yes. It reminded me of all the nervousness I felt when I first realized that I had feelings for Michael. I shuddered. The memory stung the hole in my heart.

The bell rang. Finally, I could go home and wallow in my sorrow.

I put my iPod in my ears, blasting music. It reminded me of Michael. Damn, this was really getting pathetic.

The music brought me day to the day I finally got the nerve to ask Michael for his number. The memory pierced the hold in my chest making it even bigger than it already was. Thinking of Paul sometimes felt like someone was digging out my heart with a metal spoon, making a dark, and empty hole.

Last day of sociology came quickly. I was dreading it, mostly because I didn't want the interesting conversations between me and Michael. I really looked forward to those. They made me smile in anticipation before fourth period and smile afterwards because they had felt so good. Like heaven on Earth, sort of. I needed that number. I didn't want to forget these strange feelings that I felt whenever I saw him chills ran up and down my body, even when he was feet away.

I sat next to Michael. He turned around and smiled when he realized it was me.

"Hey", he said.

"Hi", I said, smiling.

"Ready for the final?" he asked.

"Not really." I laughed. "Are you?"

"I didn't study, and yet I feel confident", he said.

"Oh well. Good luck", I said.

"You too. What are your plans for the summer?" he asked.

"Not much", I said. "How about you?"

"Pretty much the same thing. Going to relax. The break from homework will do wonders on my sleep schedule", he said.

I laughed. "Have fun", I said.

He laughed. "Thanks you too".

Now was the perfect time to ask him for his number. I was scared.

"So, uh, do you have a cell phone?" I asked.

"Yes", he said, taking out an old, scratched flip phone. The front screen was cracked.

"Want to exchange numbers?" I asked. I was shocked that I had the nerve to be so blunt.

We exchanged phones, and punched our numbers into each others phones. I could have sworn that I saw him grinning ear to ear. But who was I to judge? I probably was too.

We would have talked longer, but our teacher, Mr. Baldino was about to start the final.
I was one of the first ones done, although to be honest, I couldn't understand one word that was on the test. I could barely concentrate. My mind was too wrapped up on Michael. His eyes. His hair. The fact that I finally got the nerve to get his number. It all combined, made me forget a year's worth of sociology.

Micheal finished not too long after me. We played tic tac toe, while we waited for the rest of the class to finish. He won every single game. But I didn't care. The feelings that were once previously weak were now permantly strengthened. I should have told him that day that I liked him. But no. I was too much of a coward. He probably had a girlfriend back in Wymong. He probably was just interested in friendship.

I looked around the room. We happened to be the only two done with the final.

This would be the last time I would ever be a sophomore. This would be the last time I would be surrounded by these people. The last time me and Michael would ever share a class. It was solemn, but at the same time, the anticipation of summer vacation was in the air.

The bell rang. The last final of my sophomore year was done. I was now an unofficial junior, relieved that half of my high school year was now over.

Me and Michael were walking out to where the buses were parked. It felt so right, because not for one second, there was silence. Finally, we were forced to part ways, hopefully just for the summer.

"Well, I will see you soon?" I asked.

He smiled. "Maybe. Have a great summer", he said.

"You too. See you next year", I said.

He smiled and began to walk towards his bus. I swear I saw him look back at me, smiling. I smiled back, laughing.

It was then that I had more feelings for Michael than I ever felt when I was with Dan. The feelings were seeping deep into my heart. My heart was absorbing it, like a sponge, and feeling more alive with every drop of emotion. The feel was amazing, and all of the hurt that I felt from my past was suddenly erased. A clean slate. It was pure, angel like, because all of its impurities have been erased. And it was a wonderful feeling that someone may actually like me back! It was a wonderful feeling. I thought I would never feel the sadness of being lonely ever again

Who ever said that breaking up wasn't easy has given a broken heart an understatement. It was the most horrible feeling I had ever felt, like rock bottom. Hell's fires burned in the hole that he had ripped in my soul. Oh. My. This was a horrible feeling.

The loud music from my iPod was beginning to give me a headache. Ugh, it wasn't working. I had learned from someone that blasting loud music drove away your thoughts. Whoever thought of that must have had a lot of migranes.

I looked out the window, to the pleasant autumn scenery. I wish my life was as peaceful, and as easy as this. Then, I could possibly deal with it.

I rested my head on the cool glass window, hoping to undo the migrane. Ugh, not working. The sun was in my eyes, torturing my brain. It was keeping me well aware of my pain. My chest burned with every heartbeat, the hole screaming for Michael to mute the horrible scream and for him to dull the ever aching pain.

I missed Michael.

I missed Michael.

I missed Michael.

I bit my lip. "I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry", I chanted. After each chant, the tears came closer and closer to my eyes. Why would he leave me? Didn't he love me? Didn't he realize that this was literally killing me?

I sighed, and took out my pink razr. The wallpaper was me and Michael. The picture was taken a month ago. Looking at it, made the knife go in to my heart, ripping the seams of my sanity.

I missed Michael.

I missed Michael.

I missed Michael.

I missed Michael.

His name punched a hole in my chest, like someone punched me in the chest. And their intention was to kill. Their intention was to rip every ligament in my body. They wanted to make me bleed, the blood soaking the once pure heart, that once beat in perfect sync, now beats whenever it has the strength to. What was once a perfect heart, pure and clear as glass, now looked like something on a murder scene on CSI.

I needed to distract myself. I needed music, now.

I raced to get the black rectangle out of my pocket, and blasted the first non love song that I could find. The people that were sitting behind me were giving me dirty looks. They didn't know the reason why my iPod was so loud.

My temple trembled, reminding me of my annoying migrane. I didn't care right now. I needed to get Michael out of my head. Not just now, but for the rest of my existence.

Getting off the bus, I noticed a couple holding hands. Instantly, I was brought me back to when we become us. That very thought alone loosened the last seams to my heart. More blood spurted at the last of it. Now, my heart was shriveled up, like a raisin in the sun. The blood surrounded the ugly raisin in the sun. I really needed to clean that blood up. I need to pick up the pieces.

I sighed, and let the couple pass me. I knew that I wasn't going to be normal ever again. I realized that dating was not an option. I would live my life, but truly enjoy the fruits of love.

I know that I would never find love again. No one made me feel the way when I was with Michael. It was like asking alcoholic to taste the worst kind of vodka after tasting the sweetest, the richest, and the most delicious kind of wine. They would also agree that they would never want to taste anything other than that wine.

And I would never want anyone other than Michael in my life.