A/N: So, this is Josh's one-shot. And it is not happy at all. I feel for him after this, I really do.
I think there's a time in everyone's life when the world decides to come crashing down on them, without warning. There's nothing to save you as it crushes you; there's nothing or no one to catch you as you fall; there's nowhere to hide—it's just you and cold, harsh reality. You have no choice but to cower before it, because it really is that bad.
I should know.
Today was my day to come face-to-face with the truth I've been trying so hard to run from. And of course, running only made it worse in the end.
Words have little effect on me—that's the only reason this didn't happen earlier when Seth first broke up with me—it's the actions that follow the words that make them real. And today, it was what he did after he told me off that made everything finally sink in. It's weird how, until then, I never really believed anything he said when he broke up with me or when we were in the library. But that's what happened. The moment he turned his back on me and walked out of the library, hand-in-hand with Matt, was when the ground seemed to disappear from underneath my feet.
As he walked away, I stared after him, praying with everything I had in me that he would turn around again—just once. But he didn't; he didn't even glance over his shoulder at me. And as the doors closed behind him and Matt, I couldn't breathe. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and then filled my lungs with oil. I felt like I was drowning.
Somehow, I ended up on the floor, but I don't remember sitting down. I just remember that certain things Seth had said to me—You aren't the same person as you were when I met you…I no longer love you…It's your own fault…You've lost your chance… It's too late now…I'm done with you—kept repeating and repeating in my head. It was the first time I actually heard them and understood what they meant.
Seth was gone.
And it really was my fault; I see that now. There's no one to blame for loosing him except myself. Not Matt and definitely not Seth. Just me and all the stupid things I've done. That realization hit me hard—harder than you would think.
It made me want to die.
It really did. The world already seemed like it was ending for me, so why not. That seemed better than actually dealing with the truth. I wanted to close and never open them again. I wanted everything to go away—even myself. I didn't want to feel this way. I just wanted it to stop. But it didn't, so I just curled into myself and forced myself into a trance so I didn't have to think about it.
I'm not sure how long I stayed in the library like that, but I knew it was a while before I even moved. But once I did, there was no way I was staying in school. Without even signing out, I left and walked home, though I was in a daze the whole way there and felt completely empty.
So, here I am, standing in front of the bathroom sink, looking at my reflection in the mirror. And with each second that passes, I hate myself more than I did during the previous one.
First, it's because of the shirt I'm wearing—one of a band that I don't even like or listen to—so I yank it off and toss it to the side. Then it's the eyeliner I'm wearing, so I wash it off, but that doesn't help, either. There's still my hair, my fingernails, my jeans—me.
It's just me.
Or, it's not me.
I don't recognize this person in the mirror anymore. He's a completely different Josh than who I used to be. Seth was right; I've changed. Too much.
And what's ironic about that is that I did it for him. At first anyway, though it's obvious somewhere along the way I forgot that and myself. But it was just for him in the beginning, I swear. I did it because we were so different that I was afraid that if I wasn't more like him or his other friends that we wouldn't work out. We really had so few things in common that I was worried he'd get bored and leave me.
Of course, that happened anyway because I let myself get too carried away. I became a whole new person—one that only cared about Seth to show him off and to have sex. And when he tried to get me to come back to him—to make me stop—I didn't listen to him, and his opinions and thoughts used to mean everything to me. Then, I…I—oh, god—I went and cheated on him! I fucking cheated on him!
I shove myself away from the sink and collapse in front of the toilet, dry-heaving. Nothing comes up, but I wish something would. I feel so sick and disgusted with myself and my actions. How could I have not known what I was doing before this? How could I have not listened to him? Looking back on it, I should have seen…I should have realized…but I didn't. It all feels like an awful dream that I'm finally waking up from.
God—who have I been these past couple of months? Where have I been? What happened to me? How could I do that to Seth? I never wanted to hurt him! I never meant to! I love him—why would I want to do that to him!? I was just…just—fuck!
It doesn't matter—nothing matter's anymore. Seth is gone. Forever. He's never coming back to me, and it's all my fault. Trying to be someone I wasn't didn't get me anywhere; it only made him hate me. I wish I knew that before I went and fucked everything up. And now it's too late. He doesn't love me anymore, and I don't know who the hell I am. But I know I hate myself—whoever I am, I really fucking hate myself.
I let myself fall back on the floor, not caring that I hurt my head on the tile, and just stare blankly at the ceiling as the tears fall from my eyes.
Seth…I want him back—I want him back so fucking badly. I want him to hold me and kiss me and tell me it'll be okay; that he forgives me. I'm falling apart without him—I need him. But he doesn't need or want me anymore because I fucked myself up. If I had just stayed the same, none of this would be happening. I wouldn't be here, like this, and he would still love me instead of falling in love with Matt—which, I know, is exactly what's happening.
And it's my own fault.
But why couldn't I have realized this before I lost him and myself?