Sleepless
Dedicated to my first love. You took me by surprise and although the pain still lingers, so does the memory of what we had. I thank you for what you have taught me and I hope you find all the happiness you deserve.
Things were packed up in large cardboard boxes and they shifted side to side as I drove my beat up Honda to my new apartment in Plymouth. The fingers of my right hand tapped nervously on the steering wheel and the other hand brought a cigarette back and forth, from my mouth to the window. The drive was only about twenty minutes from my family's home, but I felt like I was starting a new life a thousand miles away.
As I pulled up to the apartment complex I had found through craigslist, I wondered what my roommate would be like. I decided that hauling most of my belongings from over 25 years up all the flights of stairs could wait until later. Now was the time to check the place out, and meet the person I would be living with barring any unforeseen circumstances.
I was buzzed up and next thing I knew, I was standing in my new home. It didn't feel like a home.
"Hey, I'm Kate. It's good to finally meet you, Melanie. Come on in. I'll show you where everything is." She smiled and walked me through the small, cluttered apartment and told me everything I needed to know about the place. As soon as the tour was finished and all my boxes were in my bedroom, I flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I didn't like change.
---
Kate quickly became my best friend, and I was glad. My other friends had all moved away years ago and I had been longing for someone to fill that void for quite a while now. When I was around Kate, I let myself be me.
It was my fourth day living with her when she first came home drunk. I could tell immediately because her eyes were not in focus and she crashed into the dining room table while trying to walk to her room.
"Is everything okay?" I asked her.
"It's perfectly fine." She was slurring her words so much that I could hardly tell what she had said. She decided to stay up and talk with me, since I wasn't doing anything but watching bad television. She told me of her night and how she tried to get the attention of some guy named Chris, but he ended up going for her other friend.
"I really liked him because he seemed fine about some different things I told him. Like, I told him about the cutting and he handled it well." She said this as if I had known. I wasn't exactly sure how to react to this very well, as Chris supposedly had. I had never known someone who was a cutter. It scared me a little, and I felt sad, watching her as she kept talking. This girl, my roommate, had become so lost and desperate that she sat herself down and, perhaps more than once, found it necessary to take a razor to her skin. I suddenly saw her as a child, desperate, alone, in need of some guidance, some love, perhaps my help. I wanted to make it all better.
---
The first time she kissed me, we were at a house party that one of our neighbors was holding. I had never been to a party before, but there I was standing awkwardly holding a red plastic cup and dressed in a blue checkered flannel shirt and a straw cowboy hat I had borrowed from my brother. It was Halloween. Trick or Treat.
"Drink up!" Kate shouted over the blaring music. "Cheers, to new roommates and good friends."
We hit our plastic containers together in the spirit of friendship and I drank. After two glasses of mystery jungle juice, I was feeling different. I didn't know what else to do, so I walked towards the dance floor and started moving my body in rhythm to the pounding base. A very tall man with long blonde hair worked his way over to me and we danced and made out for two and a half songs, exchanged phone numbers then I went to find Kate. I followed sounds of screaming and cheering to the green-flashing basement.
"Yo, you found the green room. We got a bowl going over in that corner," a guy with a shaved head and squinty eyes said as he directed me to the real party. It was hard to see her through the bouncing bodies, but Kate was standing in the middle of the crowd, laughing and cheering with the rest of them. I fought to make my way to her side and by the time I got there, my ears were ringing from the noise and my shoulders felt bruised from people ramming into me. I saw Kate lifting a skinny boy by his feet, upside down onto a keg. Once the boy dropped to the floor, coughing and laughing, she looked over at me.
"Hey, hot stuff," she said as she grabbed my arm and started dancing with me. I followed her motions, noticing myself becoming very self-conscious. She got close to my face and said something I couldn't make out.
"What?"
"I said: who was that guy you were dancing with upstairs? He was cute!" she exclaimed.
"His name was Paul. He was okay. I'm feeling a little drunk. What about you?"
"Very," she said as she pulled me closer to her. Before I could understand what was happening, we were kissing, and I couldn't breathe. I heard the cheering start again, but it seemed distant. I was focused on our mouths and her smell – the smell of Tide detergent and liquor, the mixture strange yet intoxicating – and when we finally pulled apart, I smiled, and she resumed dancing.
We woke up the next morning and neither of us said a word about the party or the kiss. I didn't know if she remembered, or if it would ever happen again, but I cherished the memory and feared the day it would fade.
It went on like this for two months. Nights would be spent carrying out and attending hedonistic events, drinking, smoking, kissing boys and each other. Mornings would be spent recovering and the previous nights were never brought up. It was some sort of unspoken rule, a line that neither of us would ever dare cross. I don't know why I didn't ask her if she remembered anything; all I knew was that I didn't want it to stop. So I left it alone.
In addition to partying four nights of the week, we would spend time together during the days, learning about each other and sharing our pasts. I listened to her talk about the various boyfriends that swooped in and out of her life, and I told her of my family and love for politics and literature. We shared this all while watching TV or shopping or cooking a spectacular dinner together. As passionate and wild as the nights were, the days I held dear to my heart.
---
I was waiting outside the dressing room while she tried on a revealing top that, in my mind, could only be worn in dark places with loud music and flashing lights. She appeared in front of me
"What do you think?" She had on a wide grin that indicated she was awaiting a positive response. As I took my time to decide, I explored her with my eyes, seeing all the tiny details of her body that the blouse showed off so well. I wanted to kiss her right there.
"I love it. You gotta get it."
"Well, if I get it, you have to come clubbing with me. You promise?"
"Ok, I promise."
She almost did a sort of skip as she headed back into the dressing room. Shopping with Kate was always so much fun. I would help her pick out the clothes with the best style and she always respected my opinions. Just seeing a smile on her face when she found something she liked always made it worth the twenty minute drive to the mall.
As I scanned the room, I saw other people walking around and laughing, couples kissing or arguing about which piece of clothing they should buy. I smiled, knowing that even though I didn't have what these couples shared, I had something, with Kate, and it was good. In a way, I felt sorry for the other people browsing the store, because I was sure that they would never feel something as strong and magnificent as what I felt for Kate. Somehow, my relationship with her transcended normality and I was special. She was special.
Kate walked out of the dressing room with her original outfit on and I smiled at her and quickly looked away. My gaze drifted upwards to the dim lights of the store and then fell to a rack of clothing that looked as colorful and bright as the sun itself. The touch of a small hand fell on my shoulder and when I realized it was Kate, the clothing on the rack seemed to disappear and I felt my heart strongly in my chest.
"Hey Melanie, I think I forgot my wallet at the apartment," she said with disappointment.
I couldn't bare the look of defeat of her face so I replied, "I got this one."
"What? No, I couldn't let you do that. Thank you for the offer, but I can live without this shirt, believe me."
"Seriously. I want to buy it for you," I insisted.
"Well… At least let me pay you back later."
"No need."
We checked out and drove home, smoking cigarettes as we sang along to country music in the car. I was driving, but I made sure to glance over at her every once in a while, because I loved how her eyes closed and her face got really intense as she belted out the lyrics to her favorite songs as if it were crucial that the world hear her voice.
That night we got trashed at the club and when we got back to the apartment, we made a box of frozen pizza bites and I told her about my dad.
---
The two and a half hour drive to Midland for church every Sunday at 5:30 in the morning was always cold and uncomfortable. The windows were open to let my father's cigar smoke out, even on the coldest winter days, and sometimes the ash would blow back in and hit me in the eyes. I never said anything. My mom would drive silently and he would read aloud his sermon and do last minute revisions as the three of us kids tried to sleep. My dress and pantyhose would hardly be warm and we were not permitted to take blankets on the long trip through Michigan, so once service started I would pinch myself to try and stay awake to hear what my father was preaching about that day. Stan was the only one of us who ever got any shut-eye in the car – he could sleep through anything – and my father seemed bothered by it.
On this particular Sunday, my father was in an exceptionally angry mood since Tim, my youngest brother, took too long in the shower and now we were running a minute and a half late. Tim was in the backseat of the van still crying a little from before, but trying to hide it. Once we pulled into the parking lot, we hauled the altar, keyboard, bulletins, hymnals, and our notebooks into the church, which was held in a conference room of a hotel. Dad walked ahead of us, carrying nothing but the piece of paper his sermon was printed on.
We were half an hour early for the service so Stan and I decided to draw on the white board with some markers that we found in our dad's briefcase.
"I can draw a better dinosaur," I bragged.
"No you can't. See, the head is too big." Stan was all about detail and it always frustrated me. He couldn't see the beauty in anything that wasn't perfect.
"Shut up, Stan."
He then hit me lightly in the arm and I started to chase him down along the side of the room.
"Hey!" My dad yelled.
We both froze. He didn't have to say anything else. We took our seats quietly and got out our notebooks and pencils and prepared to write our two page responses to the sermon so that dad, Pastor Doug, could make sure we were paying attention. Tim always fell asleep during the service, and snored just loud enough so that dad would give Stan and me looks. It was our responsibility to wake him.
This went on for six more years, and dad never treated us any older. When he left the family to go on a mission trip to Africa for an estimated 12 years, I think we all were a little relieved. God had talked to him in his sleep and the next day he was packed up and gone. My first year of middle school was the first year of the rest of my life. I could breathe.
---
There was a night among the two months of my stay with Kate that I remember vividly. I don't know if this night was towards the beginning or the end of our time together. It seemed to stand alone, in a separate universe from all the other nights. It was the night I fell in love.
"Devin! It's my turn." Kate seemed to be taking this game very seriously. We were playing scrabble and smoking weed on the floor of our living room as her computer played the music of Alanis Morissette. Devin was one of her many guys. The men would come and go, but I was always there. I was proud of that.
"Nope, we're going this way, remember?" he circled his arm in a clockwise motion to show that it was in fact his turn.
"Fine, I give up." She took a hit and passed it along and I could tell she was upset. Something had shifted slightly in her face. She seemed detached. I looked at her for a good thirty seconds before she realized. I tried to convey something profound through my smile, and she seemed to get it because she smiled back and gave me a knowing look. I loved the way we could communicate silently while the boys she brought over carried on, oblivious.
After Kate won scrabble (she won every time) we all went into her room. The two of them were lying on her bed and Devin was rubbing her shoulders and casually moving his hand closer to her left breast. Kate either didn't seem to notice or didn't mind. I think she wanted me to join them on the bed so I did. We all started to touch each other and kiss each other in all sorts of places and to me it was chaos. All I wanted was to be holding Kate and there was this other, larger hand that kept touching my hair or grabbing my ass. He annoyed and disgusted me.
Kate was the first to get out of her clothes.
"Hey what are those marks?" Devin asked her.
"Oh those are just scars from a couple years ago. I used to be a cutter." They were all over the tops of her thighs, white lines that each told a story of tragedy. Devin tried to touch the scars, kiss them. She made it clear she didn't want him to do that, but he kept it up. His movements were anything but charming. I wished he would just stop. How could he not know how uncomfortable he was making us? I decided now was the time for me to leave.
"Hey, I'm gonna go get some sleep. Later, Kate," I said quietly as I gently squeezed her arm.
"Sleep well," she said. Devin was still concentrating his actions around her legs. "Please, Dev, come up here and give me a kiss."
He shifted his body so that his face could reach hers and I saw their lips touch. I also saw his hand was still covering her scars. As I walked out of the room, I shook my head and tried to ignore my frustration.
About fifteen minutes later I heard a knock on my bedroom door. "Come in."
"Hey, sorry to bother you Mel. Devin is such a violent sleeper. He has rolled over like four times already and he snores like crazy. Do you mind if I sleep in here tonight?" she asked hesitantly.
"No, that's fine. Come on in." It took all my efforts to hold back a huge grin. She climbed in the bed and laid with her back to me.
"Those scars aren't from a couple of years ago, are they?" I asked her after a while of lying there.
"No."
"Can I touch them?" I knew I shouldn't have asked, but the words were already out, thanks to my impaired state of mind.
"Of course," she said, and it surprised me. I moved my hand from my side to her leg and gently grazed the marks with my fingertips. Tears were forming in my eyes as she looked back at me. I put my arm around her and softly kissed her shoulder.
"That was nice," she said and we both drifted to sleep until noon the next day. I guess Devin had let himself out.
---
When I was in seventh grade, Harry was over all the time. Dad's absence had created a wild streak in my mom. Or perhaps just a lonely streak. After a few weeks of seeing my mom, Harry ate meals with us, came to my softball games, went on family vacations with us, and slept in my mom's flowery queen sized bed. I never let myself think of him as family.
With Harry came my love for drawing. In his nonchalant manner he had insinuated himself into our lives with his slicked back hair and leather cowboy boots that had to have been from the '80s, wanting to be the new daddy and had suggested I take ballet lessons. "No," I had protested. "Drawing lessons."
I sat on the big puffy chair in my mother's room as I drew a picture of two people standing under a large oak tree. Harry came in and laid on the bed.
"Hey sweetie, what are you doing?" he said in a chipper voice.
"Nothing, just coloring."
"Can I see?"
"No! I don't want anybody to see." Even at that age, I was self conscious about my work.
"Come over to the bed and show me. I want to see it." I remember he was wearing a camouflage shirt and exercise shorts that ended above his knees.
"Ok," I said reluctantly. I laid next to him and showed him the picture.
"This is great! I love it." He gave me a kiss on my cheek then put his arm around me. Then he flung his right leg over me as well. I felt something warm between his legs and didn't know what my reaction should be to this. I felt like throwing up, but that must be the wrong thing to feel. If a grown man was doing this, it had to be fine. But that didn't convince me. I still felt a little sick. I still feel sick.
---
It was a Thursday, I think, when Kate had her friend Stefan over for drinks. The three of us ate dinner together at the round table in our dining room. A bouquet of flowers that Kate had obsessively arranged earlier in the day were carefully placed in the middle of the table and left almost no room for the food to be served. She reluctantly decided to move the vase to the kitchen after countless awkward reaches and a few near-spills of red wine. After dinner the Smirnoff and orange juice flowed.
"I'm really trying to cut back. I drink so much; it's unhealthy. Plus it's interfering with my schoolwork." Kate was taking some classes at Eastern Michigan University to finish her bachelors which she had dropped out on three years ago, and also worked part time as a waitress at Leda's Coney Island.
"That's a good plan. But Kate, you're so fun when you drink." Stefan smiled at her and handed her a glass that was half vodka. I had watched him pour it.
"I'm fun when I'm sober… Seriously guys, I am!"
"You are," I said as I watched her take a large gulp from her glass. This was the first time I had considered she may have a drinking problem. Maybe I did as well. "It's so weird, you know? I never drank before I moved in here. You certainly seem to have an effect on other people, Kate. You taught me your ways, you can't back out on me now. I'll be the only alcoholic in this damn place."
The two of them laughed and I felt a sudden sense of warmth that I was the cause of their laughter. I noticed her cup was almost gone already, so I got up and offered her another. As I stood in the kitchen pouring her second drink I listened in on their conversation.
"Stefan, not now," Kate said.
"Sorry babe. Hey, so is tomorrow night still on?" My heart rose in my chest momentarily. What's tomorrow night?
"Yeah, definitely. My shift ends at 11pm. Do you mind picking me up?"
"I'll be in front of Leda's at 10:55," Stefan replied proudly.
"Ugh, I hate guys like you," Kate said coolly.
"You love guys like me."
I couldn't hear the rest of what they were saying and I had been in the kitchen for a little too long now, so I headed back out.
"Here you go."
"Thanks, Melanie." As soon as I handed her the glass, she looked back at Stefan. The thirty second pause seemed like thirty minutes. She looked back at me. "So how's work been going?"
"Pretty good. Nothing special though, you know," I said.
"Oh, where do you work?" Stefan asked, but he seemed like he was trying too hard.
"I work as a receptionist at a Chiropractor's office. Dr. Christianson. You should come by sometime. Everyone could use a little of his magic."
"Yeah, definitely." At that moment, I knew I wasn't really in the conversation. Or if I was, there was another, silent conversation going on that I wasn't involved in. Stefan was looking at Kate and had his hand on her leg, slowly moving it higher and higher. I looked down and saw that my right hand was twisting my digital watch around in circles. I stopped and took a sip of my almost untouched drink, trying to think of something else to say. I didn't want to go to bed yet. Anything but sleep.
"Well, I think we're going to head off to bed, Melanie. You gonna be okay tonight?" Kate asked.
"Yeah I guess. I just thought we were going to hang out longer, that's all." The disappointment on my face was most likely visible since the two of them decided to stay up with me a little longer. I kept getting Kate drinks, listened to her talk and complain about her job, replying enthusiastically and agreeably in hopes that she would have a change of heart about Stefan. They eventually went to her room and I was left in the living room with my first drink, still only half gone. I laid down on the floor in front of the couch and listened intently for any sounds from behind her closed door. In less than a minute Kate turned on her computer music. It was cute how she liked to play music when she had guests over. I waited for her to come out of her room and sleep with me like she always did, wondering what was going on tomorrow night, as I hummed along to the quiet song that was playing in the background. I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane/What's the point of trying to dream anymore?/ I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane/Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for?/Well it's full speed baby/in the wrong direction. I laid like this until the sun began to peak through the window, unable to even close my eyes, listening, waiting.
I must have dosed off because when I opened my eyes, my alarm clock said 9:30. I got out of bed with a funny unsettled feeling in my stomach. I was curious to see what had happened with Kate last night. Before I reached her door, I knew. She was gone. She usually didn't leave for school until 11, so I immediately started to worry. I reached for my phone and called her number.
"Hey Melanie."
"Hey. I was just wondering where you were. You usually don't leave until later."
"Oh, Stefan took me out to breakfast. Just so you know, I'll be gone all day," she said. "Stefan is taking me out on a date." She said this is a more hushed tone. He must have been sitting right there next to her.
"Oh, ok. Have fun!" I hated how fake I sounded. "I'll see you tomorrow then."
After she hung up I got very cold. I wrapped myself up in a blanket and laid on the couch. I had to do something today. I couldn't stand just lying here in misery, not knowing what was going on between the two of them. That's when I got my phone out again.
It rang twice, then, "Hello?"
"Hey, Paul? It's Melanie. From that Halloween party a month or so ago?" I held my breath and hoped to God he remembered me.
"Oh, hey Mel! What's going on?"
I let the air out with relief. "Not much. I was worried you wouldn't remember me."
"Of course I remember you. You were a great dancer," he said.
"Haha, thanks." I paused to mentally prepare myself for rejection. "So, what are you doing tonight?"
"Hanging out with you, but of course." He was charming, that's for sure.
I invited him over for a movie later. Maybe this would get my mind of the fact that Kate and Stefan were together.
He showed up with a bottle of wine and I thanked him. I would need a few drinks in me tonight. We stood inside the door talking for a bit. He looked taller than I remembered. His towering figure and strong features intimidated me. I poured myself a glass of wine to calm myself down.
"Let's watch this movie. What do you say?" I asked him.
"I say, let's do it."
We sat on the couch and his arm immediately rested itself on my shoulder. My body became tense and I tried to relax and watch the movie but I couldn't. I drank almost the whole bottle he had brought over and when the movie was over we went to my room. We stood in the middle of the floor and he started to kiss me. His stubble scratched against my skin and after a few minutes my cheeks began to burn. He moved his hand to my shirt and started fumbling with the buttons.
"Wait."
"What's the problem?" he asked.
"I've never been naked with anyone before," I lied.
"Oh, I see. Well, there's nothing to worry about. I think you're beautiful. Here, will you let me? I'll do it slowly." I nodded reluctantly and he continued what he had started before, taking it one button at a time and looking into my eyes. I had to look away. After my shirt was off, he moved me to the bed. While we hooked up, he groaned and said things like "How is this?" and "You're so hot." The whole time I was aware of his rough touch on my naked body. When he fell asleep, I got dressed and went to the living room and tried to forget.
---
The next few weeks I went through the motions at work and home. I visited my family as much as possible. I wanted to be away from that empty apartment as much as I could. Kate had a boyfriend and I had no one. She was at his place constantly and I wondered on occasion why she didn't just move in with him. I came back to the apartment from a weekend visit home on a Sunday in December and Kate was sitting by herself in the dark.
"Hey, Kate. Is everything okay?" I remembered back to October and thought it was funny that these exact words were what started it all.
"He's gone. His old girlfriend from California came back for him." She had been drinking.
"Kate, I'm so sorry." And I was. I hated to see her in pain. I sat down next to her and held her hand.
"I had thought this guy was going to stick. I really liked him."
"I know you did. Guys are douche bags. You deserve better." She looked at me and sighed, laying her head on my shoulder. She squeezed tight on my hand that was still holding hers. The familiar feeling was coming back and my heart started to race at the thought of what may happen tonight. It was so horrible of me to be thinking about myself at a time like this, but I couldn't help it.
"Could you get me another drink, Melanie?"
"Sure." I was glad to.
"Thanks. I really appreciate you being here for me tonight."
"Always," I said. I was sure she would realize now that I was the one for her. I could give her what she wanted and needed more than these men she went through like fifths of Captain.
I sat up with her and listened to the story of Stefan and his girl, Vanessa. I had been so much a part of Kate's life before she got involved with Stefan, and hearing all the things she was telling me showed me that I had really missed out on a lot. Instead of going through things with her, I was hearing about them later. I promised myself it would be different from now on.
She had stopped talking, I realized. We looked at each other for a while, then she leaned over to me and wrapped me in a hug. I hugged back tightly.
'Thank you, Melanie, again. I'm sorry to keep you up so late."
"It's totally fine. You can talk to me anytime."
She smiled and got up and I realized she was headed to her room. The door shut and I felt a little shocked. I shook my head and picked her glass up from the floor. I started doing dishes because I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't remember what it was like or who I was before I had met Kate. Now all I thought about was her. Every day I lived with an overwhelming feeling of either excitement or fear or devastation. Was that love? I didn't remember ever having such powerful feelings before I moved in here. There was no use trying to decipher the past and how it compared to where I was now. I couldn't return to the simpler time in my life. Back then, I had never considered my life to be simple, but compared to now, I knew it had to have been. It was a time where the things on the front of my mind were what time to leave for work, what I would be having for dinner that night, and the late night TV I would watch. The other, more emotionally straining problems, I could block out. This, I couldn't block out. At least not permanently. But for now, the sound of running water and rattling plates would do.