Scene Two

(Lights up on MARTY, who is asleep on the couch with a blanket falling off of him. He's snoring loudly. TESSA walks in from SR, wearing pajamas, and rolls her eyes)

TESSA

Marty.

(She gets no response.)

Hey, Marty, wake up.

(MARTY snores loudly)

Marty!

MARTY

(Mumbling)

Five more minutes…

TESSA

Martin! Get up!

MARTY

Hmmm?

(He sits up, looking groggy)

Where'm I?

TESSA

You have no idea how comforting that question is. What do you want for breakfast?

MARTY

Ummm… don't care. Pudding.

TESSA

I'll get cereal.

MARTY

(Sounding a little more awake)

It's not Rice Krispies, is it? I hate Rice Krispies. Ooo. Is it Kix?

TESSA

Sorry, it's Lucky Charms.

(Shrugs and leaves SR)

MARTY

Eh, OK. Why don't you ever get Kix? Kix is good. Oh hey, that reminds me. I did you a favor last night!

(Pause)

TESSA

(Off-stage)

…What did you do?

MARTY

Fixed your song. Really Tessa, it was so depressing, emo kids would have hated it. People will flood concert halls to hear this new song!

TESSA

Marty!

(Comes back on stage, looking upset)

I worked hard on that song! You didn't throw it away, did you?

(Pause. MARTY looks awkward)

Did you?

(There are three sharp knocks at the door. TESSA gives MARTY a harsh look as she goes to open the door. The moment she does, ASHLEY and CHESTER come marching in like they own the place. They have sneakers)

MARTY

Oh fudge.

ASHLEY

Aha!

(She points angrily at MARTY as he stands up. CHESTER steps forward and cracks his knuckles)

TESSA

Uh… hello?

MARTY

How did you find me?! I deleted all your files about Tessa!

ASHLEY

Do you think that we don't keep back-ups?

(When she says "back-ups," CHESTER holds out a USB drive triumphantly)

CHESTER

And now we've found you!

TESSA

Seriously, an explanation would be nice.

MARTY

Tessa, it's them. It's the… the…

(Swallows hard)

Canadian Mob.

ASHLEY

And we're here for our syrup.

CHESTER

So you better cough it up!

(Pause. ASHLEY lets her head hand while TESSA slaps her palm against her forehead. MARTY laughs nervously)

MARTY

That's- that's good! Like cough up the syrup? Yeah, I get it! Oh, you're funny! You're a very funny guy, Mr. Canadia.

CHESTER

That's Canada.

MARTY

That's what I said. Canada.

TESSA

Is that seriously all you want? Maple syrup?

ASHLEY

Not just any maple syrup! Canadian maple syrup! He stole it from us!

MARTY

Yeah, remember, Tessa? I told you about this yesterday. I beat them to the maple syrup.

TESSA

Oh yeah. Right. That has got to be the stupidest reason to hunt someone down… ever.

ASHLEY

It's the Canadian way.

CHESTER

The Canadian way!

TESSA

OK, you know what? The Canadian way is lame.

CHESTER

Do you want to be on the receiving end of our anger?

(TESSA holds up her hands and steps away as ASHLEY says her next line)

ASHLEY

Chester, focus! We're here for him!

(She points at MARTY, who starts cracking up)

MARTY

His name is Chester? Really? That's great.

(He laughs some more until CHESTER cracks his knuckles. Then MARTY abruptly stops)

That is the manliest name ever. In the history of ever.

CHESTER

That's what I thought, Martin.

ASHLEY

Anyways… your friend over there took what was rightfully ours and now must pay the price.

TESSA

You're not gonna kill him over syrup, are you?!

ASHLEY

What? No, of course not! That's not the Canadian way. No, we'll give him the disappointed look.

CHESTER

You hear that? You're getting the disappointed look!

(MARTY looks genuinely afraid)

MARTY

Oh God please NO.

TESSA

Why can't you just go back to the store and get maple syrup? It's like, two dollars.

ASHLEY

Because we need justice. And for justice, we'll still have to give this one-

(Motions to MARTY)

-the disappointed look.

MARTY

Please no. I'll do anything- anything! Just not that!

TESSA

You were just making fun of this whole thing last night, Marty.

MARTY

But you know as well as I do that that look is a fate worse than death! It's as bad as if you called my mom and told her about this!

(Gives TESSA a very serious look)

My mother, Tessa.

CHESTER

And don't think we won't do that, either.

(MARTY hides behind TESSA like a coward)

TESSA

I need sane people in my life. OK, give him the look. Frankly, I'm pretty disappointed with him, too.

(Steps aside)

ASHLEY

Sold out by his best friend. Go ahead, Chester.

CHESTER

Martin Chambers… are you ready for your punishment?

MARTY

Be gentle.

CHESTER

Know that this will hurt you more than it hurts me.

(Gives MARTY the disappointed look. ASHLEY looks down and TESSA tries not to laugh. MARTY sobs uncontrollably and falls to the floor)

ASHLEY

I believe our work is done. Come, Chester. I think I saw an IHOP nearby.

(She and CHESTER leave. TESSA shakes her head and then stands over MARTY with her arms crossed)

TESSA

I cannot believe you.

MARTY

Wh-what d'you mean?

TESSA

All that panic over nothing. I cannot believe you! I mean, I've known you a long time, but this takes the cake.

(MARTY sits up on the couch while TESSA paces back and forth)

MARTY

What do you mean? You would've been scared, too!

TESSA

I was! That's the whole point! I thought you were in some kind of danger! Geez.

MARTY

I'm sorry.

TESSA

And that's the most annoying part. No matter how much trouble you get yourself in, no matter how many times you nearly give me an aneurysm, the second you say that you're sorry, I'll have to forgive you.

MARTY

I don't get into these situations that often.

TESSA

Two weeks ago you called me from the Main Street Pub crying, and I quote, "Please don't let Santa Claus molest me, Tessa."

MARTY

I don't remember that at all.

(TESSA stops pacing and stares at MARTY)

TESSA

That's because you were just drunk out of your mind! I had to go and pick you up, and you passed out right there!

(She points at the couch)

And you puked all over the carpet and it was disgusting… but I didn't care. I knew that you were safe and that was all that mattered. But then you had to go and get yourself in trouble again with the Canadian Mob. You are the ONLY PERSON on Earth who could manage to do that! I mean… when you came over last night, I thought you were just joking around like you always have, but… holy crap, Marty. Canadian or not, it was the Mob. Then you had to come in while I was writing-

MARTY

The most depressing song ever.

TESSA

Will you stop saying that!

MARTY

Wow, touch-y. Sorry I called it the most depressing song ever, Tessa.

TESSA

You don't even get why it's bothering me.

MARTY

Not really, especially since you said it was supposed to be a downer.

TESSA

Because it isn't for my friend. I lied. It's personal and I didn't want to tell you the truth because…

(Sits next to MARTY)

The truth sucks.

MARTY

…Then who's it about?

TESSA

Do I really have to spell it out for you?

(Stands up and leaves SR. MARTY watches her leave and looks confused. He bends over and digs a crumpled up piece of paper from the trash can and reads it. He slowly starts coming to a realization)

MARTY

Oh.

(Drops the paper and collapses back into the couch)

BLACKOUT.


So what do you think? Should I write another scene? Should I leave it as a cliffhanger? How do you like that Canadian Mob?

Oh, Canadians. You practically own my home state. :)

Thanks to Skarlet P. Rhapsody, CarryThatWeight, Moon Ribbons, and Murphy's Lawyer for the reviews! Also thanks to my friends Chad and Kristen, who played Marty and Tessa brilliantly.

Anyways, have some pudding with graham crackers. Quite delicious.