She looked into the rainy night as tears gently fell from her deep, black eyes. It had already been a long time since she stopped her futile efforts to rub them away. They never stopped coming. Her cellphone was lying on the floor, uncared for and unneeded. She didn't need it anymore. Who could she call? She had stopped talking to the one person who visibly made her happy. No, she hadn't stopped. She was forced to stop. The mere thought of his name brought a throb of pain. Somehow, her heart literally hurt.
~ 'Please don't do this…' he pleaded. ~
She knew she meant something to him, but just not more than a friend. Best friend, at the most, but she couldn't help but hate him for being so damned blind of her feelings.
Maybe he actually knows…and ignores it… she thought. That only brought more tears. Her feelings shall always remain unspoken, unheard…unrequited.
'Alex…' she whispered, her voice breaking at the last syllable of his name and she hugged the pillow, wishing the pain would just go away. But it won't, she knew it wouldn't. Love makes you cry, and this time she somehow knew that this was it. Love. The thing that made her cry even more was the harsh truth that even though she was there first, she was the one who now felt rejected, like a loser.
~ 'You worry too much, Kay…' ~
She wondered why he had said 'too much'. It's inevitable to be worried for someone so precious to you, so wasn't her reason sane enough? She was worried that both of them would be terribly hurt soon and even though she was already hurt, the pain not going away, she was sure that she'd rather choose to be hurt herself than to see him suffering. For a second, a flash of lightning outside illuminated the room, and then it turned dark again. But the darkness didn't matter to her. No light could make her feel less lonelier than she felt.
She heard the soft tune of her ring-tone and she immediately knew who it was. Somehow his effort to save their friendship seemed adorable to her, and yet it angered her deeply. He was being an idiot – the idiot that he always was. It took her a lot of restraint to stop herself from receiving her phone. It stopped ringing after six calls that went unanswered. She bit her lower lip. Emotions were confusing her, a part of her was begging her mind not to be so cruel on her heart and just receive the calls, another part of her was threatening her not to give in to her unimportant emotions. She heard the sound of a text message, and, even though she knew it was from Alex, she unfolded her phone and opened it. It said:
'You've got to be kidding me! I thought you were being an idiot, but you're being serious…that hurts, you know. Please don't leave me like this…I don't wanna lose you as my friend, Kay…'
She closed her eyes and opened them again. She chuckled heartlessly. It was ironic how he was talking about his own pain and not even thinking how much it was hurting her.
He called her his best friend, and she obviously deserved it. No one cared for him as much as she did, and it was just plain annoying finding him loving someone else even after knowing whatever she had done for him. No matter how much the other girl loved him, for Kaylnn, it would always seem that she loved him more. She opened her eyes as she tried to get his favourite song out of her head. It would take more than just mere willpower to forget about him. But then again, wasn't the reason for her to stop talking to him just so that he wouldn't be hurt? It always pained her when she saw that he was hurt, but just for now, comparing to the pain he'd feel knowing how much he'd unknowingly hurt her, she felt relieved. He was too nice. He hated messing up. He hated hurting people. He hated her crying. And to her, a person like him doesn't deserve any pain at all…
She heard her doorbell ring and went downstairs to open the door. Slowly, her hands turned the knob and pulled the door and her eyes widened. Alex was standing right there, his body drenched with rainwater. He was panting breathlessly, as if he'd been running. She took a step backwards, knowing that he was going to yell at her.
Instead, he slowly walked towards her and gently held her chin and tipped her face toward him. "You've been crying again…" he whispered.
"I'm sorry," she said softly. She looked at him for once with all that love she had kept hidden from him for so long. He saw it. He saw it all. "Kay…why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his eyes immediately seeming to have grown sad. "Why…?" she mused. What would he have done if he knew? He never loved her back, nor will he ever. "Tell you what?" she asked, slowly.
He flew his arms out in irritation. "I don't know! Everything, maybe? Don't you consider me as your best friend?"
She wondered if boundaries came just because of those two words. Best. Friend. Couldn't you fall in love with them? "Yeah," she said. "I do."
"Then why are you hurting us both like this? What went wrong?" Those words somehow made something in her snap. Hurt? Both of us? She thought. She looked at him, her eyes once again filled with tears. "Hurt…do you know what hurt means, Alex?"
He froze. Her tone seemed too harsh, too cold. "Only I know what pain is, and you're saying that both of us are being hurt? What do you know?"
"Kay, what are you-" he stopped, seeing her break down in tears. She started crying, and it pained him. He hated seeing his best friend cry, because it always seemed to him as if he was the one who caused it, and he couldn't do anything about it. "Don't cry, please…" he whispered, coming closer to her. He felt helpless. "You have the person you love, Alex…I'm being forced to leave him…" she said between her sobs.
He stared at her with a pained look in his eyes. He knew something like this was coming, he was completely aware of her feelings. He'd known from the very beginning that she loved him. 'Sometimes life is so harsh,' he thought, and walked up to her. "I love you, too, Kay. Doesn't it hurt me to be forced to leave you?" he asked. He loved her, he really did. But this love was only one that existed between friends who meant the world to each other. Gently, he wrapped her in his arms and she felt herself drench with all the rainwater he had been holding. "Don't leave me like this, Kay, I need you."
She sighed, putting her arms around him as well. "You'll be hurt seeing me cry again and again…I'm sorry…I can't help it…"
"So you're doing this just so I don't get hurt?" he asked.
He pulled away from her, and looked at her right in the eyes. "You've never hurt me as much as you're hurting me now. But that doesn't matter, does it?" he asked.
"It matters to me," she whispered.
"How come? How can it matter to you? I've been begging you not to leave me like this!"
"What else do you want me to do, then? Stay alongside you while you go around loving that other girl, and feel bad cuz you know that its hurting me?!" she yelled.
"So you're deciding to make us perfect strangers, then? You want me to forget you?" he asked. She stopped right in the middle of her thoughts. There was no way she wanted him to forget her…
"You won't even notice me gone," she said, emotionlessly.
"How heartless do you think I am?!"
"And that's a bad thing?" Silence followed. She didn't know how to answer him. Her whole body felt faint because she had cried all day. The thunder boomed outside and the room got illuminated again.
He got down on his knees looked at her, "Please, Kay…I'm begging you, don't be so harsh on me…"
She knew that she was being harsh on him, and she hated herself for it. Who was she kidding, she hated herself for even loving him! "Alex…" The first reason she had spoken to him was because she loved uttering that cute name.
He gently took her hand as if he was going to propose to her, but that could never be, could it? And then he said, "I'll do anything. You wanna talk five minutes a day, that's enough. You wanna talk five hours, I'll make time…but please, don't just go away like this…"
Alex…does being away from me hurt you that much?
"Why not?" she asked.
"Why shouldn't I stop talking to you?" she asked. That was just the only thing she wanted to know at the moment. Why he wanted her to be with him so badly.
"…Because I'll miss you like hell…"
If it does, then…I guess I'll always be there…
"…And I'll cry for who knows how long…" Somehow, hearing this from a boy seemed pathetic, yet so sweet.
…Don't cry for me, I'm not worth crying for…
"…And I'll be really hurt, Kaylnn…I just don't wanna lose you," he said and rose up. He looked at her in the eye.
"I love you," she said, knowing that that would be the one and only time she'd ever get to tell him. "I'm so sorry…"
He wondered why she was the one apologizing. She was in pain because of him. And he felt guilty. He knew he loved her, too.
…And you know what, Alex?
He slowly took her face in his hands and asked, "Can I love you, just this once?"
Even though the request seemed to be so absurd, her eyes lit up and she wrapped her arms around him. "Hm…"
He smiled at her warmly, leaning forward. Then, finally, he placed his lips on hers. He kissed her. Loved her. For the first…
…I'll always love you…
…And the last time.
a/n: How was this one? I know it's kinda weird...but I worked a lot on it! Let me know if you like it or not. R&R! :)