The whole rainy day thing in New York City today made it a lot easier to concentrate on my music that was really starting to come along. Waking up late to find it raining made me cheerful I guess and now a the end of a lazy day, I was content with the song I had just written on the piano. Which reminded me, I needed to get my old baby grand a tune but I didn't think I had the money at the moment so it would have to stay flat for a while longer. I left the blinds open, so the reflection of the city lights off the streets and wet buildings lite my apartment perfectly.
When I heard a soft knock just after eight o'clock, I was at first, surprised. It was a quiet, gentle knock from little hands and knuckles I knew way too well. It was quick saying. "Tristan, hurry up! Please let me in...you know I'm not supposed to be here!" My long legs covered the space between the couch and the door easily and expected to see a happy, shining Vesper Lynn standing there looking classy in those exclusive cloths you always showed up in after a day at classes and time with your stupid-sorry, your mother.
But when I opened the door, I didn't see my happy Vesper. I saw some broken version of you. One I had never seen before. It's like you were crumbling right in front of my eyes in the hallway of my apartment building. You quivered with shaky, heavy breaths. I watched you breath for a second. In, out, in out. But it was so ragged I was afraid you were having a panic attack like that one time, maybe a week ago? And then you looked up at me from the crevices between your fingers, hands over your pretty pale face. They simply cried out, "Help me". I understood this wasn't a panic attack. No, you were upset, hurt.
I immediately reached for you, gathering you up in my arms like a small child. Your head pressed against my shoulder and slowly I led you inside, closing the door with my heel. Your breathing was becoming more and more shallow and then finally you let out a small, tiny whimper and crumbled to the floor, falling out of my grasp. I tried to catch you but you curled up on the wooden floor. Knees up to chin, arms over your head. I dropped to my knees next to you, trying to pull you out of the tight ball you curled into for protection as you started sobbing. I've never ever seen you cry like this; broken, raspy sobs that shook your whole beautiful body. You wouldn't budge, not even for me, so I curled my body round yours, my arms making an "X" around your soft chest and your backside fit perfectly into my front side.
I laid there with you, silent as ever. I didn't know what to say to you, what to do exactly. I just stroked your wet, rain smelling hair and whispered things that were popping out of my head to try and console you, but you just kept crying, whimpering, quivering and shaking in my grasp. I held you tighter, pressing my cheek against your shoulder and finally, I could pull you out of that curled position and into my arms. You laid awkwardly across my lap and I watched the bleeding eyeshadow and makeup run down your cheeks. I always hated the makeup you wore to please her...I could go for a little makeup, you liked that better anyway but when you wore more, like that gray and black eyeshadow and foundation to cover up your pink cheeks...It concealed up your best features.
"Please, baby. Tell me whats wrong." I begged you, pressing my cheek into your silky dark hair. You were still shaking but the sobs had subsided, at least for now. I took your face in my hands and made you look me in the eyes. You took a deep breath and I watched your chest rise with the oxygen you were taking in and watched your mouth release it through those lips of yours.
"I tried so hard...to make my mother see who I am and whats important to me. And that you're good for me, and that you love me and take care of me and that I love her too. I try so hard for her to be proud of me and look at me like your mom looks at you, but she doesn't understand and I don't think she cares." You paused, knitting your dark eyebrows together as you thought hard. "She- she doesn't care because when I told her I'm going to marry you. She..."
At the mention of your mother, I was instantly annoyed. Your mother was not like other mothers in the world who cared and was there for their children. She relived her life through your sister Bella and you, and only wanted you to be more like Bella. Bella was really pretty, I had to admit but she was total opposite of you with her light blond hair and blue eyes. You had the dark genes from your father I have only met once and who divorced your mother when both you guys were really young. You were five, right? And Bella, ten perhaps? Gee, I wonder why your father divorced you mom? Because your mother is a fucking psychopath that hates everything about you!
You have wavy black hair down to the middle of your back that's layered and falls perfectly in front of your drowsy gray eyes with long, wispy lashes and those soft, pouty lips I love. Bella's tall and lean, while you're a lot curvier with bigger hips and bust, a lot more sexy in my opinion. She liked to dress up and she was valedictorian of her class and dated a lot of guys that were rich, so much richer than me. You just loved your t shirts and my t shirts, hoodies, cotton attire, cozy socks and leggings. And you love me. I knew what you mother was doing to you, but I couldn't believe it or understand why because you're so perfect, so lovable, so you. So...Vesper.
"I know you do, Vesper..." I murmured, brushing your bangs off your forehead. I reached with my free hand and took of your black high heels and tossed them aside. I wanted you to be at home here, especially when you were like this, and those heels were from your mother and I wanted all her memories off you. They were ugly anyway with that stupid big buckle over the toes of the shoes.
"But, it's never enough." you trembled, your voice breaking and you hid your face in my shirt and sobbed. You were ruining my Aerosmith shirt but I don't care. If it was between my shirt and you, I'd ruin the shirt any day. "It's never enough. I told her about you and how we're going to get married this Christmas and she flipped. Telling me how she disapproved and that you'd surely ruin my life and...then."
"What?" I pressed, my eyes boring into yours with urgency. I hardly heard the past about your mother hating me because honestly, I hated her too and her opinion didn't matter to me at all. But you do, and as you started crying again, I knew something was very, very wrong here. This wasn't just another fight between your mother and you, this had to be the final blow to you two.
"She said if I walked out the door tonight, and if I married you..." you took a shaky breath and I tried giving you a reassuring look. "that I better not ever come back. She won't see me because-"
"Wait, she kicked you out?" I interrupted, shocked that she would really go to that extreme of a measure to hurt you.
You nodded, more black tears dripping down your face like the rain outside. "Yeah, she kicked me out. She said I better think about what really matters to me and I started to pack a bag but..."
"Maybe you should think about what you're doing here, what she told you and stuff." I said, trying to be so supportive of you. It was the end of November and you just turned twenty-one two weeks ago. I mean, you were three years younger than me and had a lot to think about. You were still in college, almost finished with a degree in nursing. And me? Well, I'm just in love with you and I work at the library, Starbucks and the music store my father owns and I compose music. I won't ever be a millionare, not even remotely close. You needed to be sure I was the one for you, the person to caome home to. "I mean, Vesper, you're twenty one and you have a lot of things to decide and I don't want you to rush into marrying me and-" I babbled on, trying to be so supportive even if it was killing my pounding heart.
I didn't want you to think about your options because I just wanted you to marry me, be with me forever and rid yourself of your mother finally. I just wanted you, all of you, and I was afraid you were going to take my fake advice, afraid you would walk out that door ten feet across the room, through the rain back to your fancy house where your mother was and tell her you reconsidered and that I wasn't the one for you. Afraid you'd choose her and be the monster she wanted you to be. And that I'd be so alone in this world in an empty apartment with that slightly flat baby grand in front of the big window I love so much.
"No," you said, shaking your head stubbornly. You were always stubborn, although you hid it a lot around your mother. "I don't need to reconsider anything and everything. I already did. When she said that I couldn't come back, I knew exactly what my choice was. My choice is you. It's always been you. Since freshmen year in high school when I met you at the bookstore because I was buying that book of poetry that happened to be your favorite book in the world. Remember? It has our favorite poem in it. I know you're the right choice because you just... you gave me that look no one else ever gave me before. That look like, 'you're the best thing that will ever happen to me'. You're the one for me, I don't know how exactly I know but I know for sure that she doesn't understand me, she doesn't love me and she doesn't know me. You need me and you know me and I believe in you, and I love you and you love me. I'm going to marry you this Christmas, I'm going to be your wife and I'm going to take care of you and be with you forever. It's my choice and my choice is you."
I could've died right then and there in your arms when you said all that. I wanted to record it in my head and replay it over and over again. I knew I was being slightly selfish about you choosing me over your family but I couldn't help it. Through all the crying and the rain...you chose me. I reached out and kissed your forehead and pulled you closer to me, holding you so you were like a baby, a baby we have one day, cradled on my lap.
I didn't kknow what to say. So I just kissed you and kissed you until my head was spinning. My tongue slid into your waiting mouth and interwined with your. Your hands were on the sides of my face, pulling me closer. My arms held you tighter to me. All I could think about was how I was so thankful you weren't going to have cold feet about everything. I pulled away, breathless. You smiled and then wrapped your arms around my neck. I looked into your eyes for a long time and we were silent but then I was tired off seeing your beautiful face all ruined by that dark makeup all over you eyelids and cheeks and chin.
"Let's go take off all that makeup." I said simply to you, getting up and pulling you with me. Shakily, you hung onto me with your arms clamped around my waist as we walked to the bathroom at the end of the hall. You sat up on the counter while I got a washcloth and wet it with warm water. I told you to close your eyes and I gently rubbed all the gray and black smudges from your face and then, right now I could see the real you sitting in front of me. The real you that I loved. I kissed your slightly damp cheeks.
"Stand up, please. I want to show you something," I said to you and you slowly slid off the counter and I held you by the shoulders as I turned you around to face yourself in the vanity mirror on the wall over the sink.
"This is you. The you I love, and you don't need all that black and gray stuff on your eyes. Because I think you look perfect without all of it." I told her, a little sternly perhaps. You smiled your 'oh why do you say all that mushy stuff to me. You know you're so silly' smile and I melted, wrapping my arms around your shoulders and resting my chin on your shoulder. I thought we made a good pair looking at us in the mirror. I kissed your cheek and watched your face erupt into another smile.
I swept you into my arms in a fluid motion and carried you to my room, intending to put you to sleep. I knew you were tired and cold and hurt and I knew that if you would just sleep through the night, you would have a better day tomorrow. Maybe we could be together for a whole day for once. We haven't done that in a really long time...now that I think about it.
You began to talk about our wedding. The kind of big poofy dress, a princess dress, that you wanted to find and how you weren't going to wear any shoes in the church. Your weren't going to wear your hair up away from your face because you thought that that was taking away a part of you. You even said you weren't going to wear a lot of makeup and I was glad for that. How you wanted to walk down the streets in your wedding gown in the snow with me, arm in arm. Then maybe we'd come back here to the house and have our first dance with my awesome stereo system. But I told you that we should have a reception, what's a wedding without some sort of party afterwards? After, we'd make love in this very bed. It would be your first time...and I as a man was anxious for that. I know you were nervous but I told you I'd be very gentle and slow.
You were painting a very pretty picture for me about our life together, you even started talking of children and nurseries, anniversaries. I listened and talked about what I wanted out of life, in you, for you, for me, but I was getting so sleepy and those bags underneath your eyes weren't getting any smaller. Finally, I told you we needed to go to sleep now.
"I don't need to sleep, Tristan. I want to stay up all night with you and-" said said, interrupting my hopeful thoughts of tomorrow.
I kissed you, long and deep. So deep, I never wanted to come up for air but somehow I did. "No, please sleep angel. You're so tired and I know what you want to hear..."
"Tristan, please!!" you begged,
I smoothed your hair with my hands and pushed it over your shoulder. "I'm here for you...I'm here for you because I love you. And your mom can say what she wants but I'm going to fight for you. And you'll always find your real home in me. Okay? I promise."
Finally, you smiled as you pulled away from my shoulder and you kissed me. It was your goodnight kiss. Soft and slow but quick. " I love you." you whispered as you pulled away. You breathed in, sucking the air from my mouth and I forgot to breath.
"I love you too." I whispered back, I reached and turned out the light and you settled yourself in bed, laying on your stomach, arms over your head. I almost laughed, sometimes you looked so silly while you slept. I laid next to you, wrapping my arms around you and closed my eyes, feeling your warmth and how relaxed you were.
"Talk to me," you murmured so soft and so sleepily. I knew you were close to sleeping.
"What should I say?" I whispered back and I hear you sigh as your smile.
"Say the poem about the two lovers on the carpet." you breathed to me.
I took a breath and started, "Engel! Es Ware ein Platz, den wir nicht wissen-"
"No, no..." you complained tiredly, I heard the smile in your voice. "Say it in English, please?"
I rubbed your shoulder, I began to recite it again, this time in English for you. "Angel! If there were a place that we didn't know of, and there, on some un-sayable carpet. Lovers displayed what they could never bring to mystery here-the bold exploits of their high-flying hearts, their towers of pleasure, their ladders that have long since been standing where there was no ground, learning just on each other, trembling,- and could mater all this before the surrounding spectators, the innumerable soundless dead: forever hidden, unknown to us, eternally valid coins of happiness before the at last genuinely smiling pair on the gratified carpet?"
And like I boat out on the ocean, I was rocking you to sleep, the water dark and deep. Inside my ancient, beating heart of mine, you'll always be a part of me. Your breathing was long and deep, slow and I cautiously removed the arm from around your head and smiled at your peaceful face. I touched your face lightly before slowly pulling you closer to me. And soon you moved in your sleep, closer, closer.
We were pressed together with the blankets over our heads and all around us, like a butterfly in a cocoon. Tangled in a mass of flesh and cloth, arms intertwined and legs woven throughout legs, chests against rising chest. Heads gently nestled together, forehead to forehead. We're totally relaxed and peaceful there in my bed with the darkness I used to fear as a child all around us, cloaking us in joy, love and contentment. A feeling of pure perfection, I suppose. Our hearts thumped slowly in one synchronized rhythm, one a accord. One love. And we laid there, touching. Touching perhaps more deeply than any sexual touch could ever bring to the senses. Fitting perfectly against one another and feeling the other's life and intertwining mine with yours, filling it with dreams.
Shortly, that boat out on the ocean that rocked you to sleep, called for me. I boarded on the boat myself and the stars were above me, around me, on an endless sea. Rocking...slowly, gently, no stopping, just back and forth. Back and forth. I closed my heavy, tired eyes and fell gracefully into dreams, content.
Note from Author: I don't know why I wrote this...I don't even know if I would like to continue this. I have many more ideas because I really love these characters...but I'm not sure. So,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!! I would love to know if anyone would be interested in me continuing this little story any furthur! Thanks! :)