NO! NO! NO! I am not okay. Okay? I'm just not. I can't be okay when I have this huge scar across my chest; causing me so much pain. Sure, it's scabbed over some and yet, it doesn't fade away. This scar of mine, came from all the people who brought me down, stabbed me with their hurtful words, and you know what? I am not going to let them anymore. I can't turn to anyone, not even you of all the eight billion people in the world! This pain I have in my chest is terrible, gruesome, nearly unbearable. What if it kills me? What if I can't get over the pain? What if it won't go away? And I can't take enough Advil to soothe it. I can't cool this pain, and I can't wash it away with water either! Believe me, I've tried standing out in the cool rain and in the shower with scalding hot water, and it's always there, that stupid pain in my heart! God! It's always there, whether it's distant or pounding, that pain is always there, strong as ever. And the scar? Well, the pain from it won't go away. Never. It goes from the left side of my collarbone to the middle of my sternum, and it's jagged and ragged and scrapped and scabbed over. Sounds like it hurts, doesn't it? Pain, yes.
And even if it is scabbed over, it still aches and sometimes when something happens, it gets beneath the scab, or if it gets bad enough, it get rips wide open, and I have to heal all over again from the infection or the reopening of it, the pain. Everything I've been keeping beneath the skin of it, all the pain and despair and all the hurt feelings, spills out onto the floor and I'm scrambling to get all the pieces of my pain all back together. Keep myself composed, you know? That way no one will ever know how incredibly weak I get from it. But yet, I feel like I'm on a huge stage, with a massive crowd of a million trillion people watching me. And I am screaming and crying, spasming in pain, but they don't know...some don't even care. I'm invisible though to them. At times, the pain from the scar is so vastly gripping. I feel like I have to writhe and curl up in a ball on the floor and scream and scream and scream...forever, like I have to continue to bleed out, over and over and over again. Pain. And that's what scares me the most, it just hurts. And no one gets it, no one could begin to understand...or care how bad the pain is. I hurt inside, and I don't know why exactly.
Maybe someday, it'll get to the point when I can forget about it sometimes, or it'll be so distant, I won't be able to notice the pain is there anymore. I hope so, because I am not okay, okay? I am not okay, I'm way less than okay. I'm sick, I'm furious, I'm sad, and I'm happy all at the same time, but deeper than that, I hurt from this painful scar, I am in pain, like all hell.