by Jenn Hammond

adapted from the screenplay by Edward Wood Jr., and the film by William Morgan

Disclaimer: The subject matter and content of this story is extremely graphic, and contains a strong violent, racist and sexual nature. If you are easily offended, please have caution before reading this story. While many places in this story are real, the characters and situations are created entirely by me and Ed Wood.

Chapter 1

"Eddy Wood must be destroyed."

Paula Parkins looked up from her notes and scribblings to listen to the tail end of her chemistry class. When she realized it was the same, droning speech about Avogadro's Law, she looked at the back of Eddy Wood's head. It was perfect, his hair meticulously styled with gel and hairspray. No other boy at Walnut Creek High took care of his hair like that. He wasn't like any other guy at the school. At all.

She smiled when she glanced down at what she had written, "Definitely," she whispered to herself. It was only a matter of time before Eddy's world would, somehow, come crashing down around him.

If it weren't for stupid Principal Walborn she wouldn't feel so vindictive against poor, innocent Eddy. Paula had been called into his office that morning. She would have skipped out of it if he weren't also her godfather. It was the bain of her existence. She may as well have the freaking fairy from Cinderella breathing down her neck constantly, telling her to look pretty and be wise. And that was how Perfect Paula was invented.

Everybody knew Perfect Paula. Everybody liked Perfect Paula. She was, after all, perfect. Perfect grades, perfect smile, perfect boyfriend, perfect girlfriends, perfect parents, perfect car... it was enough to make the real Paula, the one that lived inside of her, retch. She sympathized with Mr. Hyde. The real Paula was absolutely nothing at all like her counterpart. She hated going to school, she despised her boyfriend, her parents were... something else entirely. That was a whole different form of hatred that most likely didn't have a word in English invented for it yet. It was beyond loathing.

She took a deep breath before entering the office, and Perfect Paula smiled and said, "Good morning, Principal Walborn! How are you today?"

He chuckled, and shook his head, "Please, Paula. I've known you since you were an infant. You know you can just call me Jason. Now sit down, I want just a quick word with you."

Perfect Paula's lip trembled, "Is something wrong? Oh dear, it wasn't that bad grade I got on that history test last week, was it? I stayed up so late studying for it, that I fell asleep in my notes! You wouldn't believe it! I knew cramming the night before was a bad idea, but now I've learned my lesson."

The principal shuffled some papers around on his desk, "It's not entirely about your history test. But it's about your grades in general. Paula, they're slipping. And this is a very important time in your education. Your senior year."

The real Paula started to get worried. Her lifestyle did not allow her time to study and pretend to enjoy academics anymore. It was only a matter of time before her fairy godfather noticed something was fishy.

He continued, "I thought this would be the first year in history that Walnut Creek High's homecoming queen was also valedictorian. But the quarter grades are in, and I couldn't help but peek at yours, and I'm shocked. Paulie, you have had straight A's your whole life, and now you're going down to C's."

Paulie. That was the worst nickname of all. There wasn't anything good in the world that was named Paulie. Paulie Shore, for one thing, and a crappy movie about a parrot. Nobody wants anything to do with anything called Paulie. She stopped referring to herself as that when she was four, but nobody seemed to notice.

Perfect Paula sighed, "This year has been so hard. What with college applications and advanced placement classes... and..." fake tears welled up, "My parents. I hardly see them anymore. Sometimes I feel like an orphan. I'm so alone."

Principal Walborn grabbed some tissues and very concernedly handed them to Perfect Paula, "I know, I know. It can be hard with two parents who have full time jobs. Not all the students here have that situation. But you know Paulie, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm just a phone call away."

"Thank you, Principal Wal... I mean, Jason," Perfect Paula smiled as she dabbed away tears. In reality she was furious for pretending to cry, it was such a waste of perfectly good MAC eyeliner.

"I just want to see you do your best," he grinned like a mall Santa who was getting double pay for working on Christmas Eve, "besides, if you're not valedictorian, it looks like Eddy Wood will take the spot."

Paula wished she had her gun so she could blow a hole in Eddy's head, right there in the chemistry lab. Who does he think he is, anyway? Edward Wood, Jr. Nerdy, Mormon, quiet, enjoys things like reading and studying. He hasn't worked hard at all in his life; academics just came naturally to him because that's all he knew. He would never get the chance to experience the wilder side of life.

It's not that Paula wanted to be valedictorian. It was just all part of the plan. Much to her chagrin, her alter ego of Perfect Paula had to perform well. Principal Walborn was just the first to notice that there was something amiss. If she didn't ace tests, join clubs, get awards... everything could go up in smoke.

There was nobody else in school who could even come close to her and Eddy. Practically the entire student body were jocks or preps, potheads, and bored rich kids who just sat on their money all the time. In fact, most students fit into all of those categories. If Eddy was out of the picture, she would have it easy. It wouldn't matter how hard she worked, she would easily get to the top of the class.

She circled and underlined her note again. "Eddy Wood must be destroyed", before hiding it in her binder as class was dismissed.

Kaylee Pachelo walked up to Eddy. She was practically the female equivalent of him, aka the only other Mormon girl who was his age. So, naturally, they were a couple. Paula laughed at the thought, wondering if 'Mormon couple' was an oxymoron.

"Eddy," Kaylee smiled sweetly up at him, "Did you make plans tonight? I thought we could grab some dinner."

"Yeah," his smile was huge. And he had buck teeth, Paula mentally pointed out. She wrote a brain Post-It, Get the name of Eddy's orthodontist, to make sure that I never go there.

Eddy continued, "That sounds really nice, Kay. And I know a nice spot we can go afterwards. Manny said that there's a place up in the Oakland hills were you can see the entire Bay Area, all of San Francisco, and even the ocean if it isn't too foggy."

"Ooh, sounds beautiful!" Kaylee practically draped herself over Eddy's arm while real Paula wanted to laugh like a maniac. Manny was her boyfriend, and she and him knew that spot well. They probably fucked each other about three or four times there. She wondered just why Eddy wanted to visit it too. Maybe he wasn't such a squeaky clean Mormon after all.