Chapter One: September 2009

1) Dad: And Baiqiao, the love machine.

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2) Laura: Deep in the depths of the band cave, where evil knows no bounds…

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3) Laura: I have a way with the animals!

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4) Callie: Kylie did a bad job, I do good jobs.

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5) Kaiser: Because he hates fun.

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6) Me: He would have a bowel movement to put all others to shame.

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7) Me: You've seen the light of God in my pants!

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8) Laura: I think you should be a bird.

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9) Kelsey: Tinkerbell's a slut.

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10) Cwod: A day without an epiphany is like a day without a bowel movement.

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11) Mr. Parnes: Do sunflowers keep a constant state inside?
Me: Unless they're dead.

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12) Mr. Parnes: So if you turn a light on and try to scare a rock…

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13) Ms. Willey: "This is inappropriate". Post-it note.

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14) Girl: I'm a baby whisperer- I'm serious!

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15) Laura: I think we should stuff Niko in a box!

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16) Cwod: Everybody got that… but you.

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17) Ms. Willey: If you're ugly, you get free food.

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18) Ms. Willey: It's "Ms", not "Mrs.", 'cause no one will marry me. I'm kidding… sorta.

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19) Ms. Willey: Don't quote me on this…

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20) Ms. Willey: The two of us are just… BAMF G-2!

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21) Laura: See you tomorrow before school if I can find a way to slip my bus driver speed!

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22) Kaiser: Well I'm not gonna wear a skirt so don't even think about that.

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23) Hayley: I hate the orthodontist with a fiery passion of… bananas.

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24) Cwod: This is the porno doll…

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25) Palmer: It's the way we sound that sets us apart.

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26) Cwod: We'll just sit in our little pods and you know… just… die.

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27) Me: Shrink, dammit!
Alex: I'm sorry!
Laura: …sad, he has to look down to say that.

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28) Kelsey: You're an assface.

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29) Laura: Except Meyers would probably shit out of his ears.

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30) Señora Brouwer: Sorry, I can't give you credit for saying "I eat my dad".

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31) Cwod: I'm a 50-year-old fart.

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32) Laura: I don't sleepwalk; I fall out of bed and twitch.

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33) Me: So there's room for two on the luvsac.
Kaiser: You and Niko have fun.

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34) Kerry: I saw your face in a crowded place and I don't know what to do, 'cause I can't stop stalking you!

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35) Lucy: You're not stupid, I love you.
Lucy: Never mind, you are stupid, but I still love you.

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36) Cwod: The joke doesn't work when you're stupid.

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37) Cwod: So here's my first wife, posing as a prostitute… it's the weirdest museum ever.

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38) Kaiser: Well I'm not cuddling with Alex even if the world depended on it.

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39) Bryant: That's great. 'Cause you have to live until you're a nagging old woman.

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40) Me: Aah, awkward pant vibrations.

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41) Me: Apparently I gave Trevor service.

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42) Ms. Willey: Pull down the shades, turn out the lights, no kissing allowed.

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43) Ms. Willey: Oh my goodness, it looks like a fetus!

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44) Cwod: Why did he do that so quick? Am I on speed?

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45) Kelsey: We're bananas in pajamas, we're coming down the stairs, bananas in pajamas are chasing teddy bears.

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46) Kerry: It's twin-cest!

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47) Ms. Willey: You are a marginal cost pupil unit!

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48) Ms. Willey: I've been sexually active and now I have pupil unit.

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49) Ms. Willey: "Your son's a crip."

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50) Andrea: If he was in prison, he's hot.

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51) Ms. Willey: Cameron, you'll be such a cute old man.

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52) Ms. Willey: Perception isn't always reality.

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53) Laura: I will shank you.
Me: You're going to give me a present! Yay!

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54) Annah: Do you have arm cancer?

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55) Cwod: What's the quickest way to shut someone up?
Me: Kill 'em.
Cwod: Second quickest way to shut someone up?

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56) Mr. Parnes: So you don't have to elbow each other like a big sale at Target.

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57) Kelsey: You know what's my favorite term? Skankmuffin.

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58) Me: These pants made my life worth living today.

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59) Mom: You feel like death on a soda cracker.

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60) Me: If I'm dead… then I can miss school.

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61) Kaiser: I'm magic like bacon.

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62) Cwod: "What's the word for when gas escapes your sphincter?"

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63) Cwod: And that's when the feces hit the fan.

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64) Cwod: Lincoln was on like Highway 5, he's so far out there.

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65) Cwod: I peed my pants, good thing I had Depends on.

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