Chapter Three: November 2009

183) Me: How was Iowa?
He: Lots of corn.

--

184) Hayley: I'm such a nerdburger.

--

185) Hayley: It's like shit on a chandelier.

--

186) Señora Brouwer: It's like "Wahoo! They died finally! Out of my life!"

--

187) Trevor: My dick is 40 fucking inches, you better keep sucking that sausage, Andrew, 'cause while you do that I can't get turned on 'cause if I get turned on my cock will break through my fucking pants and impale you in the fucking face you fucking fuck. That's right, my dick can fucking kill people, you know those chicks who masturbate with a broom stick and die, that's what happens when I fuck, I fucking impale bitches with my cock. In fact, one time I accidentally assassinated Franz Ferdinand when I was jacking off in a neighboring country. So don't fuck with my fucker.

--

188) Mr. Parnes: I'm not sure if death is considered a disability or not.

--

189) Me: I wish I got money when people died.

--

190) Ms. Willey: The Secret Service Agents are hot. Yummy, yummy, yummy!

--

191) Mitchell: Can I have a new fork? I kind of groped this one.

--

192) Trevor: I can't rape you, I don't have hands.

--

193) Me: It feels like there's cotton in my head!

--

194) Lucy: I love the taste of dead things.

--

195) Lucy: I bit his head so he bit my neck.

--

196) Hayley Williams: You want me to have your baby? …I don't think I can do that, I'm sorry, I truly am.

--

197) Ms. Willey: Come on, Cwod, you little hairy man.

--

198) Me: You could go to the counselor for me.
Annah: I don't think I could pass for you.
Me: You're right; I'm prettier.

--

199) Señora Brouwer: Are you trying to make me go into labor early?

--

200) Cwod: That was the first time I played with a Wii-Wii.

--

201) Me: I'm not racist… I hate everyone equally.

--

202) Ms. Willey: I think Charlie Croker's grandfather is attractive.

--

203) Laura: Roses are red
Life is a whore
I love marching band
But I love you more
.

--

204) Becca: Can we take a break?
Ms. Willey: I'll break you! Wait, that was mean.

--

205) Dani Z: So my mom just walked in, said she was looking for her virginity, and walked out.
Marcie: I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't even know what that is.

--

206) Cwod: That was a cute noise, it sounded kind of like an animal being stepped on.

--

207) Cwod: I think I must be turning into a gangster.

--

208) Cwod: I'm the teacher, dammit, I'll say it my way! Even though you're probably right.

--

209) Cwod: Did my voice just crack? Good, I was hoping to go through puberty this year.

--

210) Ms. Willey: It would be a luxury for Nate to meet your mom.

--

211) Ms. Willey: Aah! Foiled again!

--

212) Ms. Willey: I smelled you, action verb, and you smell like poop, linking verb.

--

213) Hayley: Taste the linking verb!

--

214) Cwod: It was just him and I and these perfect male specimens.

--

215) Cwod: I'm going to go home and abuse people.

--

216) Dani Z: I made giant mental leaps. I'd tell you about it, but it will get real awkward, real fast.
Laura: I love getting real awkward, real fast.
Hayley: Woah, there!

--

217) Ms. Willey: Can you imagine me with a human child? They'd be like "Mommy, what time is it?" and I'd be like, "Do I look like a clock?"

--

218) Cwod: Here at the Cwodzinski house, we skin bunny rabbits alive.

--

219) Laura: I wish that was funny so I'd have a reason for laughing.

--

220) Me: My innocence got crushed between two cookie halves.

--

221) Laura: Brandon, what are you reaching for?
Meg: My pants.

--

222) Me: You could hear me pulsating along with time!
Laura & Lucy: "You could hear me pulsating"…?

--

223) Palmer: They'd be like, "Oh, that's the Eden Prairie band doing drugs in the corner.
Charlie C: If you do, wear a Rosemont t-shirt.

--

224) Laura: You won't be attacked with dickzilla if you ever do have sex.

--