Three.

There are three of us.

John, Corie, and me.

We used to be so alone.

So cold.

There was no hope for us;

only happiness through sin.

Not a soul dared to

venture inside our deranged lives

And find out who we truly

were.

We wouldn't have let them

in anyway.

I remember living for

myself, and only myself.

At least, I used to.

Now our three lives have

collided

And we might just be able

to save ourselves

From the ultimate Hell

we've created.

John.

He was always the bad guy.

Never caught dead with an

A,

A cigarette always in

hand, the drug-user.

Like me, he cut himself a

little, nothing too bad, and a couple times,

He found himself with the

gun in hand, waiting for the courage to pull the trigger.

He's done everything from

weed to cocaine

And hardly remembers the

girls he brought home.

Poor Mom,

She must feel horrible

knowing that he son turned out that way,

And it's all her fault.

Her and that bastard

boyfriend of hers.

Maybe if people kept their

hands to themselves

Then we wouldn't have so

many problems.

Makes me sick,

How a grown man would

touch a four year old boy like that.

Corie.

She's moved so many times

in two years,

More than I have my entire

life.

Her dad's lazy as fuck.

Couldn't get a job if his

life depended on it.

Her mom takes care of the

family,

If herself and Corie's

younger sister could be counted as the whole family.

That's why she's currently

living with me.

With more breakdowns than

boyfriends,

And that's saying a lot,

She's driving me insane.

She is my best friend,

though.

I guess because we can

relate to each other.

Every thing's our fault.

Not to mention her old

friend,

She shoved a dildo up her

ass.

I guess you really don't

know who you can trust.

Then there's me.

I don't mind writing about

others,

But I suck at writing

about me.

But since you heard their

secrets,

You might as well hear

mine.

I've been,

What you'd call a cutter,

For about a year.

Sometimes you feel so much

pain,

And you've got to release

it.

I found my relief on a

June afternoon in an old sink.

I was lonely,

Cold,

Tired.

The blade was my only

option.

So I fell,

Wrists down,

In blood.

Totally and completely,

In love with the only

emotion I could understand,

Pain.

My dad isn't exactly what

you'd call a "nice person."

He's abused me in many

ways for years.

I've hated that man for as

long as I could remember.

Still do.

But now he's no more than

dead to me.

Then there's my mom.

I was always her mistake.

Never good enough,

Never more than her cage.

It's our fault,

She'd tell us.

But I guess it always has

been.

4/26/08

Okay,

Official diary,

Equals this.

I warn you now that this diary is what I'll write in when I'm depressed.

I don't plan on boring you,

On simple things like math.

I'm here to share my darkest thoughts,

The things I've been hiding for so long.

Smoke.

Corie and I keep John from

doing the real bad stuff.

He stopped a while ago,

But I have a feeling if it

wasn't for us,

He'd go right back to it.

He's going into the

marines so he would've had to stop sometime,

We just made it easier.

I've only smoked three

times.

When we first met John.

Corie had done it twice

before that.

At first it's fun,

But then you start to

realize,

It isn't much help.

All three of us smoke

cigarettes, though.

Not that much for me,

Only when I'm scared or

nervous,

And it isn't a habit.

I'd hate it if I couldn't

stop.

That'd really blow,

Then again,

That's more of my job.

Whore.

All three of us wear the

name,

Two with honor,

One with shame.

I don't mind being called

a whore.

Been called one since I

was a kid.

It isn't new or anything.

Corie, however,

Feels a bit of shame.

I guess I can understand,

though.

It's not her fault her

boyfriends break up with her for being too demanding and obsessive.

Every time she gets so

shocked,

But it really isn't

anything out of the ordinary.

I could tell you some

stories about that.

John, however, isn't too

ashamed.

Then again, don't all guys

feel proud of being man whores?

He's only fucked 8 girls,

And he's 18,

So I guess he isn't too

much of a whore,

But people like to think

he is.

Truthfully,

John is a really nice guy

when you get to know him.

But the odds of that are

slim to none.

Most people judge him by

how rough and tough he looks,

But on the inside he

really is sweet.

If there's one thing I

really do hate,

It's people.

Ryan.

He's both Corie and my ex.

Only twelve,

But a great kisser.

Corie's little sister is

dating him now.

She's dated 28 guys in the

past year,

Pretty sad,

Considering she's still

only twelve.

Corie fell in love,

But I just used him for

practice.

Wasn't very good with his

hands, though.

Not very large either.

A compulsive liar and

heart breaker,

That I'm happy I made cry.

He acts as though his mom

hates him,

Because she wants him home

at five to eat dinner.

Sure, his mom is a bitch,

But whose isn't?

And Corie,

To this day,

Still feels nothing but

sympathy for him.

I'm sure that if he spent

one day in one of our shoes,

He'd surely kill himself.

Unfortunately,

We've all tried,

And it never works out

quite right.

He'll have a heart attack,

When he realizes his mom

actually does care.

Mom.

If you could even call her

that.

She was never there for

me.

I was always the mistake.

After Ashley was born,

She tried avoiding my

father.

But she was finally

convinced to let him see his child.

My mom tried to get her

tubes tied,

But my dad threatened the

doctor.

After my brother and I

were born,

She did it when he went on

a business trip.

I hate Ashley too.

She's never been a big

sister to me.

She mutters to herself

that I'm useless,

Stupid,

A whore and a bitch,

Worthless,

A piece of shit,

And good for nothing.

My mom probably agrees.

I try to prove myself

worthy,

But I'm never good enough.

Never was,

Never will be.

Rachel.

The name is taunting.

I despise it,

Yet love it.

She was my best friend

before I met Corie and before the cutting started.

The girl drove me utterly

insane.

Insane and in love.

Yes, I was in love with

her.

She was the best and worst

thing to ever happen to me.

The last day we ever saw

each other she spit out her mouth wash,

And called me a lesbian

whore.

Little did she know that

by age 16,

She'd have fucked 11 guys,

And become a complete

lesbian.

I guess that's what

happens when karma shoots you.

We're friends again now.

She's our new best friend,

John feels a little left

out,

But that's too be

expected.

We won't forget him too

much,

I think...

Karma.

Speaking of karma,

I never was good with it.

Even if I was a good

person for a while,

Something bad would always

happen.

Every time we made plans,

They'd always go wrong.

For example,

When Angela ruined us

hanging out with both Ryans,

When John came over and

Corie stepped on the laptop,

And broke it,

When we were going to hang

out with Ryan and he completely ditched us,

And left us out in the

freezing cold.

Or when we were hanging

out with Kyle and he got us arrested,

For bringing a gun to a

park.

Or on my birthday when I

got sick and spent it alone.

Or when we rode the four

wheeler and it broke down,

And Corie's dad yelled at

us.

Or, lastly, when Vince

came over

And my dad beat me right

in front of Tina and she tried to call 911.

Well, that's karma for

you.

Never fair,

Never to be trusted.

Just like my fucking mom.

4/27/08

I swear,

One day,

I'll kill them.

Catherine says I've already killed Rachel and Dad inside.

She says that I'm all Rachel thinks about.

Damn,

I sure do hate them.

After everything they put me through,

I still won.

I didn't really notice,

But I did.

I'm just an expert at hurting people.

Laptop.

It really was an accident.

I didn't think Corie'd

accidentally step on the screen,

If I set it on the floor.

There was a crack and we

all froze;

We knew it was over.

John tried to keep me

calm,

And it started working.

That is,

Until Corie started

laughing manically,

And scaring me like crazy.

I started to realize

something was really wrong,

And I had to slap her out

of it.

She instantly had a

breakdown.

We finally told my mom

and,

Even though we're buying

her a new one,

She cried and yelled.

How come she never once

cried over me that way?

How come she never cared?

Oh, right, you never care

about mistakes.

Hickory Kyle.

He was my first

experiment.

He lived on Hickory where

Corie used to live,

So we just called him

Hickory Kyle.

He's one of my many ex's.

My first kiss and make

out.

And if Corie wasn't there,

He'd have been my first

for sex.

The kid was a real

bastard,

But that's because that's

how he was raised.

He smoked weed like a

train,

And had sex with every

girlfriend since he was eleven.

All but me.

His mom was a real whore

too.

He lost his innocence so

young.

It's such a sad thing.

I feel so bad when I think

about how wrong he must feel.

Maybe now that he's left

this Hell hole,

He'll get better.

I doubt it though.

Seasons change, people

don't.

Pedophile!

I hate rapists and

pedophiles.

My neighbor is a

pedophile.

He's so stupid.

I'd rather kill all

rapists than murderers.

Rapists scare me way more

than murderers.

I'd rather be trapped with

a murderer than a rapist.

I don't get why someone

would do that to an innocent person.

I can't guarantee that

I'll lose my virginity to someone I love,

But at least I'll have a

choice.

Jeez, I really do hate

them.

What's wrong with people

today?

They are so crazy.

Ha, that's a hypocrite for

you.

Me, calling people crazy.

Funny.

Jeez.

Why do people even say

jeez?

It sounds retarded.

And weird.

And plain out stupid.

I wonder who came out with

that word.

Jeez.

Probably slow, stupid

people who had nothing better to do.

It makes no sense.

Wait.

Is that even how you spell

sense?

Hm.

I'm confused.

Anyways,

I know this is just

random,

But I truly hate that

word.

Jeez?

You know what?

I don't even care anymore.

I suppose you're reading

this to hear about my life,

Not to hear me rant.

So I suppose I'll start a

new topic.

Beautiful.

John says that I'm

beautiful,

But what exactly defines

that word?

Who says what's beautiful

and what's not?

No one says that Corie's

beautiful,

But she is,

In her own way.

Rachel is still as

beautiful as ever.

Even when she's at her

wits end,

She still hasn't lost her

charm.

Singers,

Actresses,

Dancers,

Models.

How come they can be

beautiful,

And we can't?

If you aren't skinny,

You aren't pretty.

If you don't have

beautiful hair,

You're ugly.

If you have a long nose,

Or small boobs,

Or big boobs,

Or you're tall,

Or have big thighs,

Or whatever the case,

You aren't beautiful.

What the hell is wrong

with being yourself?

Why can't you be beautiful

in your own way?

Water.

What's the difference

between swimming and drowning?

To be honest,

I don't know.

When I'm swimming it's so

cold,

So quiet.

I don't know what dying

feels like,

But it sure would be nice

if that's what it's like.

It's so beautiful;

The water.

The feeling is absolutely

spectacular,

To be able to float on

almost nothing.

It's so soothing when you

just need to think;

To breathe.

There's so much happening

so when I need to think,

It's the perfect place.

But unfortunately,

As all good things must

end,

The skin will reject the

water and shrivel.

5/3/08

I wish I could die.

I'd do anything to leave,

All this pain behind.

I'm so far in the blue that it's scary.

At least in the white,

I'm ignorant of all this heartbreak.

Not my fault.

My dad blamed everything

on me.

On computer didn't work so

what'd he blame it on?

Myspace, Itunes,

Quicktime, and anything else I use.

He never figures that it's

his shit that's causing all the problems.

I've never seen someone

get so angry over pop-ups.

Why does everyone insist

that it's my fault?

I don't know what I ever

did to make people so mad at me.

Maybe I'm just born this

way.

Frank once said that Dad

didn't mean what he said,

But regardless,

It hurts me all the same.

And that's all folks...

No.

This isn't the end of the

story.

I just wanted to let you

all know that the previous things were written a year and a half ago.

Now,

Things have changed a

little.

I have a little brother

named Brandon for starters.

And me and Corie are no

longer friends.

This is how it happened.

When I first met Corie I

thought that we'd be best friends forever,

But...

I was wrong.

Because there I was,

Her friendship ring in my

hand,

With all her stuff on the

floor.

When she began hanging out

with Ashley things began to change,

And then,

She mocked Ross.

The only person I ever

loved.

She made fun of him and

they all laughed.

I told her that I didn't

want her talking about him like that

And she replied,

"Whatever. You need

to get over it. You really are too uptight."

I stared at her in shock

before responding.

"No. I'd just

appreciate you to not talk about him."

She sneered and rolled her

eyes.

"P-a-lease. You wanna

chose a guy over me, fine. And a dead guy at that.

I guess we aren't friends.

Bye!"

And she turned around and

walked away.

I just stood there.

I kept thinking about the

night I saw his house on fire.

One night, our whole lives

ended.

I heard the fire sirens

and went outside to check them out.

Down the street,

Ross's house burned as if

a demon of Hell had come to burn it himself.

His parents stood outside

waiting for any signs that he was alive,

But he never walked out.

I never saw that goofy

smile,

Those beautiful hazel

eyes,

And that handsomely

imperfect man ever again.

I don't remember much

after that,

But I do remember the

flames,

And how I hated them so.

Sex.

Why is it that sex is

thought of so badly?

I love sex.

Losing my virginity to

John has helped me see that.

Maybe it is wrong,

But why should we deny our

natural urges?

I decided one thing,

I will have sex with a

teacher.

Yeah,

Crazy, right?

But hey,

Crazy is my middle name.

I need sex.

It sounds so bad coming

from a fourteen year olds mouth,

But think about it,

I've been through more

than most and it just feels like it's time,

To just,

You know,

Have kids and die.

I lived my life,

Lost my virginity,

And now it just feels like

I should move out,

Get married,

Have kids,

And die.

Things are really weird

for me.

I feel more like thirty

than fourteen.

I feel like I already

lived my life,

As strange as that sounds.

It feels like one day my

happy ending will come,

And I'll be able to die.

5/12/08

Don't you ever wonder,

What it really feels like,

To be alive?

I guess the only time I really did,

Was when I was a kid.

Everything was so simple then.

I miss not having to worry about problems,

And how everything was great.

My friends were perfect,

And I was all smiles.

I think about how much pain Rachel's cause me,

But not once have I thought about how much I miss her.

That'll be that last words on my lips,

If I ever commit suicide.

I'd never admit it aloud,

But I do.

I'll never be that happy again,

For the rest of my life.

His Alcohol.

While I was reading

Burned,

I kept thinking how all

those things,

How they could all happen

to me.

Dad would find out what

Ross and I did,

And he'd send me away to

live with Aunt Regina or Stephanie on the ranch in Pennsylvania.

Not much of a punishment,

But a summer of mountains

and farms is enough to make anyone crack.

Dad never drank alcohol,

but towing is as bad.

Towing is all he cares

about;

His life, his addiction.

It ruined our lives,

Took away our father,

And split apart the family

we never had.

Towing is to blame for

everything that ever went wrong.

He spends all day out

there;

At the shop,

In the tow trucks,

He even worked on cars in

our own backyard.

Gone when I awoke,

Outside when I went to

bed.

We hardly had any

conversations.

The ones we did have

consisted of, "Fuck you."

And of course, "Fuck

you, too."

Towing.

I hate it, but knowing my

luck,

I'll probably be doomed to

live with it the rest of my life.

Secrets.

We all have secrets.

I just so happen to have

more than most.

Little itty bitty things

that no one else knows.

Things that even truckers

would blush at.

I told my dad I still had

my virginity.

I lied.

But that's my secret.

My dad asked me how many

times I've tried to commit suicide.

I said once.

I lied.

At least three times.

I'd tell someone,

But I don't want to be

sent to a mental hospital.

Sometimes I want help,

Sometimes I don't.

I'm getting better,

But only because I have a

few friends that help.

Secrets Part 2.

Thank God for them.

Miranda, Desiree, John,

Jennifer, and Tina make life so much easier.

They're all I can count

on.

Hell, I've counted on

Desiree for about three years.

She is the only person

I've ever trusted that long.

I always will trust her.

She's my best friend.

She keeps all my secrets.

Like why I miss so much

school.

I get sick a lot.

I never fake because I

need those days for when I really am sick.

I have a bad immune

system.

My mom is too fat to buy

anything healthy so I can try and help myself.

I used to overdose on just

random shit.

Most people get high to

feel better, but I got down to fall dead asleep.

I didn't want to live.

I wanted to die.

But I didn't have enough

guts to.

So I'd take downers.

I had severe insomnia so

they really helped.

That's why I hate the dark

so much.

The Dark.

I hate it so much,

Because for almost a year,

Darkness was all I had.

It was my comfort,

But also the thing I

feared the most.

I had so many nightmares.

I still do.

They aren't like normal

nightmares either.

They make me scream.

I wake up in a dead cold

sweat screaming my lungs out.

Sometimes,

I get stuck in those

nightmares.

I get stuck,

And I can't get out.

My only hope is the alarm

clock ringing.

That, or someone hearing

me scream.

One time,

I was so afraid that I

crawled into a corner in my room and didn't move until morning.

I didn't dare.

The girl was in every

shadow.

It was the most

frightening experience of my life.

5/16/08

No one understood.

I tried so hard to make them,

But all I got was an,

"Omg!

Let's get through this together!!"

No.

You have seen these things.

You've never been to the dark side of the moon.

You've never ever,

Prayed to God,

That you'd drop dead right then and there.

They were too busy,

With boys and thier lives to notice.

To notice the scars and tears and pain.

The only person who listen are the voices.

They're there.

And honestly,

They listen so much better.

Wanna Hear A Story?

I used to hear voices.

Crazy, huh?

I told you when you

started reading I was.

Maybe you believe me now.

I listened to them because

it was my only way to drain out the pain.

I kept hearing distant

memories.

Memories of Ross,

Memories of Rachel,

Memories of the past.

It hurt so bad.

The voices whispered to

me,

Gave me comfort when no

one else would.

I eventually banished

them, though.

They got angry when I made

friends.

I tried to tell Corie

once,

But I think she thought I

was joking.

Sometimes I see the

silhouette of their bodies in the dark.

They haunt me too.

Like all my broken dreams,

And all my broken

memories.

But they're all gone now.

I've given up on

everything.

Everything but my friends

and my writings.

I will always write,

Regardless of where I end

up.

It's about the only thing

I'm good at.

The only way to really

drown out everything;

The voices and the

memories.

5/22/08

I bet if they knew,

The wonderful thoughts,

Flowing through my head,

They'd never think lightly of my problems again.

My scars remain on my arm,

And the blade continues to call.

One day I'll fly away,

And never come back.

I feel empty like I never have before.

I crave to feel anything.

The blade is my last option.

8/5/08

Sometimes,

I wish I could just close my eyes and never wake up.

Maybe then,

Will my heart stop beating.

I wish I had the courage to jump.

What's the point of love if you just end up in pain?

Life would be so much simpler,

If I could just hate everyone.

The Love of My Life

I think I took him for

granted.

He was everything to me.

He was my life, my

everything.

I told him I'd die without

him,

But look at me,

I'm still here.

Now winter seeps through

like a jewel of frost,

I stare out my window and

wonder if he's still lost.

Or has he found his way?

It's not like I ever said

I cared,

But what can I say?

I really did care.

I can remember the moments

we shared,

Back before I knew I

cared,

Back before he went away,

Back before he left me.

I never cried in his arms,

Because that is such a

cliche',

I was never the type of

girl,

Who fell apart when he was

away.

Sometimes I hear his

voice,

It escapes to me,

Through the light and

noise.

I try to ignore it,

But I just hear his voice.

Maybe I've been thinking

too much,

But it's my only choice.

9/4/08

Now that I'm alone,

My heart is sad and hurting.

I forgot for some time with Corie's help,

But now even she's gone.

I'm tired and worn from pretending.

The glue to my heart,

Has become no more than water.

The holes reopen,

And the pain won't reside.

My heart beats ever so slowly,

As I try to sort out my thoughts.

I'm so tired.....

New and Old.

When I get to Truamn,

I'll make a statement.

No longer really shy,

I plan to show off my

personality,

In the brightest colors.

I've been getting closer

to Rae,

Rachel's old nickname,

And I'm starting to feel

good again.

I missed her so much.

This time,

However,

I won't run like a coward.

It was my fault I lost

her,

And I won't do it again.

I'm really glad for a

fresh start.

Sure,

I'll miss everyone,

But I can guarantee there

are some I won't miss.

This house, though,

I'll miss the most.

There are so many

memories,

So many tears,

So many smiles.

It breaks my heart to

leave it.

I'm even getting rid of my

mattress,

You know,

The one I lost it on.

It's hard,

But it's life.

9/15/08

I've decided to start anew.

I want to make a new diary.

I'll seperate the old days from the bad.

Bye old me,

And hello new me.

Midnight.

Was there ever such a

time,

As great as this?

Where you didn't count

dimes,

And everyone's in bliss?

The clock strikes dead,

In the middle of the

night.

Not a single sleepyhead,

To wake up in fright.

To see the snow elves,

Taking flight.

They think not of

themselves,

Only of fun.

They just won't stop,

Until they're done.

Green grass with snow on

top,

You'll see below,

Over the grass,

Is six inches of snow.

So hard they tried,

So you can play,

So don't stay inside,

And watch TV. all day.

Then the temperature

rises,

And midnight would come.

The elves shrank four

sizes,

But they play dumb.

One last trip,

One last ride,

It's winter's last dip,

For the elves have died.

Infatuation.

I can't understand it. How can I be so

in love with someone who's so in love with someone else? She means

the world and more to me. Late night conversations, sneaking out

after dark, partying on New Year's Eve, and just being there when she

needs me makes me so happy. However, I can't bear it when she talks

of Leah. Leah is a user and doesn't deserve her, but Rachel can't see

that. I told John I was sorry, but that I can't love anyone because

my heart is already taken. Since I was eleven I watched her with

admiration. She was and is the only person I could ever love. I've

tried so hard to be pretty, but I couldn't be good enough. Then, when

she want away and I trapped myself inside, my inner beauty began to

shine though and before I knew it, I'd walked out of the house and

was a beautiful butterfly rather than an ugly caterpillar.

Fights.

Two useless,

Horrible,

pain-infested,

Fights.

One with Ashley,

The other with Dad.

Dad found out I was going

to fail Stoh's class.

Mr. Stoh wanted me to stay

after,

But I had no ride.

Dad said it was bullshit,

He wanted to call the

school.

I refused to tell him the

information.

He broke the table,

And almost our dog's back.

Poor Randy.

It's all my fault.

Randy was just trying to

protect me,

But Dad grabbed him,

By the leg,

And flung him across the

room.

Randy hasn't been the same

since.

Then I ran upstairs and

called Kim.

She offered to give me a

ride,

And then calmed me out of

hysteria.

Then we spoke of Ashley.

Ashley.

We fought once more

yesterday.

No fists,

But the words were a

horrible blow.

Dad just watched as she

took down everything,

All the walls I'd put it,

They'd all been crushed.

All when she said,

"You stupid brat! I

wish you were never born! It's your fault the whole family hates each

other!"

It was my whole fault that

Mom hates me now.

If I'd never made Ashley

leave,

Maybe Mom would still love

me.

Sometimes I sit and

wonder,

What have I done to make

her not,

Positively not,

Wanna be my mother?

I ran to the bathroom and

cried,

Cried until the tears ran

dry.

But inside,

I still ached.

Rae gave me the courage to

stand.

Now, I just need to ease

my aches.

That, however, is a long

process.

One that can't be done,

Not with just a bandage.

Envy.

I think I almost envy

Leah.

She gets love that she

doesn't deserve,

And even though her life

has a time limit,

She still has lived more

than I have.

Leah is dying,

She doesn't grow stronger

while we do.

Ashley seems envious of

me,

It's strange,

But she does.

She tries to destroy

everything,

All I have,

All I want.

I know it's the outer

beauty she envies,

But I wonder about inner

beauty as well.

She must be a really

bitter person,

So ugly inside.

I feel almost sorry for

her.

Sorry that she must

resort,

To lying on Myspace,

Saying she was in an

accident and had major surgery,

All to get attention.

Greed.

My mother,

My sister,

Such greedy little things.

They expect us to all bow

at their command.

I,

However,

Refuse to.

There are times when I

just wish,

Hope,

Wonder,

How my father would leave

them.

My sister doesn't

understand family,

Nor does my mother.

They don't get that if you

don't have family,

You have nothing.

Family are the ones who

help you,

Care for you,

And love you for who you

are.

They take those things for

granted.

Many times I wish they

didn't,

But I can't change them.

Trust me,

I've already tried.

Lust.

There is no relationship,

Without a hint of lust.

And too much lust,

Gives you no relationship.

I've had some with lust

And some without.

A little too much,

And not enough.

It seems so sad,

But it gave me a chance,

A very slight one,

To find my center.

There's a very large

difference,

Between love and lust.

Just who do I really love?

Obviously Rachel,

But I mean from the past.

I very much question,

Who did I love,

And who did I lust for?

Wrath.

The wrath of my sister is

hard,

And though I did nothing,

She still attacks me.

She's stolen my best

friend,

My mother,

And even my grandmother.

I hate to think of the

nasty,

Horrible things she's put

in her head.

It seems like she's just

plain out out to get me.

I don't know what I've

ever done to her.

It's like she's trying to

avenge someone.

I think she and I could

get along,

But Ashley won't try.

She just won't.

I hate it and it irritates

me,

But there's nothing I can

do about it.

Oh, what did I do?

Why do I have to feel her

wrath?

Gluttony.

Well there's a big

shocker.

My family deff eats too

much.

I guess that explains my

mother,

Brother,

Sister,

And Dad.

They've all got extra

weight on them.

I, luckily,

Took more of my dad's

side.

He didn't used to be

overweight,

But like Kim says,

When he and Mom met,

It all went downhill.

We;re such a glutton

family.

I even eat a lot.

The only reason I'm

skinny,

Is because I've got

horrible habits.

No restaurant,

Only one plate,

Never eat it all.

Ah, the sin of gluttony.

Sloth.

Never have I seen such

fat,

Sloth-like kids,

On a Monday morning we all

drearily walk,

Mope,

Groan,

And sigh our way to class.

There are many fat kids in

my classes.

It's almost sad.

I feel sorry for them,

But if they got off their

lazy asses then maybe,

Just maybe,

They could lose that

weight.

I mean,

It's nine o'clock!

Wake up!

Were it not for school and

work,

Nothing would get done.

People would sleep until

noon,

Stay in their bedclothes,

And watch television!

I'm not that much of a

sloth,

But most people are.

I can't stand sloths.

Pride.

If there's one thing that

always,

And I mean always,

Gets in the way,

It's pride.

Number 7 on this list,

It is pretty up there on

my most hated.

Dad tried to lie and not

let us know,

Know he'd lost everything,

Our house,

Hid business,

My mother.

I knew he'd lost her a

while ago,

But his pride wouldn't let

him admit it.

My pride isn't too much of

a problem.

I don't really sweat the

small stuff.

If I'm wrong,

I admit it.

Am I the only one,

Who's pride,

Doesn't get in the way?

Thoughts.

There are somethings I

don't want to think about.

Him holding me,

Our bodies connected,

Intertwined.

I want him out of my head,

Out of my mind.

I miss him,

But I can't.

My heart no longer belongs

to him.

It never fully did.

Sometimes when I hear a

song,

Watch a love movie,

Or even just look at the

snow,

I think of him.

But I'm not in love with

him.

I have to get over him so

my thoughts can be filled with the one I truly am in love with.

My writing is very sad...

It reminds me of the

rain...

I don't know how my

teacher can expect me to concentrate,

Not when there's so much

noise.

Hopefully seeing Rae the

next time will make things better.

Online.

Well,

I'm sure the people who

know me online,

*cough* Ed *cough* Tom

*cough*

Are reading this and I

just wanted to give shout out to my peeps!

Okay,

That's a little strange I

guess.

Anyways,

I wanted to talk about

those two.

It feels strange that I

never mentioned them before,

But I just met Ed like two

days ago and he's already my husband!

Long story short,

I made him my husband,

Cried to him,

And let him make me feel

all better.

So now he's like my online

best friend!

I like talking to him.

He and his uncle Tom.

They're both great to talk

to and whenever I need help,

Or just want to talk,

They're there to hear my

constant ranting.

I play a nerdy online game

and that's how I met them.

Then I cyber stalked

them!!

Just kidding.

Kinda.

So anyways,

They are like my new

family,

But first,

I have to beat up the

competition,

Ed's girlfriend.

Mwuhahahaha.

I know,

I'm being extremely evil

and hyper today.

It's just,

Everything seems to be

going right.

At least,

For the time being.

Clearing Things Up.

Okay,

I've been lead to believe

that I may have confused some of you,

But just so you know,

Rachel is a sister figure,

Not a girlfriend figure.

When I say girl on girl I

meant her and her girlfriend.

But other than that,

She may be into me,

But I am not into her.

That's okay,

Simple mistakes and

misunderstandings happen.

Anyways,

I wanna talk about why I

broke down in Ed's ear basically.

So,

Here's my next chapter

thingy.

Love.

I wonder if I'll ever be

able to love.

I mean really truly love.

I don't want to end up

like my father,

Alone,

Wishing he wasn't in this

marriage,

Wanting to be with someone

else.

I yearn for attention,

But I am a dreamer,

A wanderer,

A nomad.

I don't believe that I

truly have any place in this world.

Maybe writing is what I'm

meant to do,

But I can never be sure.

Maybe writing is suppose

to fill the gap where most have a lover fill.

Destined to be alone,

I'll probably always feel

sad.

I don't wish to be lonely

forever,

But,

Maybe it is bound to be.

Love seems to be just for

fairytales,

And unfortunately,

This is no fairytale.

I never meant it to be,

And it surely won't ever

be.

Things just don't seem to

workout for me.

This is based on true

events,

And most of them are,

And I must say,

I have done a fairly good

job of writing them done.

I just really,

Really hope,

That I am not reduced to

having my only form of relationships be through an online game.

I know I've got it bad,

But that has got to just

be the worst.

Guess Not.

I said everything was

happy,

But not until a few

moments ago,

Did I realize it's not.

We have a house now,

Which is okay,

But some horrible things

just hit me.

John has a new girlfriend

that he really loves,

Rachel has a boyfriend,

And I'm all alone.

Thank God I have Ed and

Tom to talk to.

I have no idea what I'd do

without them at this period in time.

I made Ed promise me that

he'll take me away from here and be my best friend forever.

He said he can't promise

he'll take me away,

But he swears to be my

best friend forever.

I really hope that's true.

Throughout everything,

I yet to have one person

who I can trust that has actually stuck by me no matter what.

I know they don't mean to

hurt me,

They're simply looking for

their own happiness,

But I wonder if it ever

occurred to them that I'd like to too.

I would love to be happy,

But it seems like that

just isn't in the books for me.

We're packing Tuesday and

Wednesday,

So there isn't much time

left.

And before I go,

I'll be sure to do one

last Amanda and Corie show.

One that means the whole

world to me.

I swear it will be my last

one.

I want to cry so hard.

It's horrible....

I want to get out of

Michigan.

I only hope I'll have

someone come with me.

To California,

Or Florida,

As Ed wants.

I guess we'll only see.

But there is no way I'm

being stuck here,

Even if I have to go

alone.

I hope Ed can go with me.

I know it's a lot to ask

of someone I just met,

But a part of me really

trusts him.

I feel like he's true,

And his words are gold to

me.

I believe him,

And maybe that'll really

lead to my total downfall,

But,

How much farther down can

I possibly go?

I trust he won't hurt me

like others did.

He is all I have now,

He and Tom.

I guess I can only wait

and see the outcome.

Even if that means waiting

until 14 days after his birthday,

My birthday,

When I turn 18.

As soon as that day comes,

I'm out of here.

Tears.

I didn't know if it were

the Flaming Hot Cheetos,

Or just the depressing

thought of leaving,

But the tears were evident

in my eyes.

I hate knowing that I have

to leave all these people who actually care about me,

Behind.

Even John I'll miss.

I still love him,

Even though I don't want

to.

My heart's hurting.

I want to cry so hard.

It isn't fair.

I have too many reasons to

cry,

But the tears just won't

come out.

It hurts me just to say hi

to him.

My heart is crackling...

Hurts.

It hurts being alone.

I feel like I'm losing

everything.

We have a house,

So I know this is the real

thing.

Ed, my new best friend,

Promised me he'd be my

best friend forever,

And I believe him.

But talking to him,

And actually feeling

happy,

Hurts.

In the words of Full Moon,

I don't like you,

You make me lonely.

You make me weak,

You cause sleepless

nights.

You stir up my heart.

You're a bad person,

Because you make it hard

for me,

To be alone.

With Rachel and her new

boyfriend,

And John and his new love,

I'm left alone again.

This time,

However,

I have Ed to keep me

strong.

I'll always look forward

to hearing his strong,

Yet squeaky voice,

That I promised not to

laugh at.

Last Night.

Last night I cried myself

to sleep,

Knowing that I was alone.

I had no sisters,

No friends,

Hardly a mother,

And no boyfriend.

I wanted to talk to

Ashley,

But then I realized how

much she hates me.

So I cried myself to

sleep,

And tried to dream of Ed.

I'm afraid to tell him how

I feel,

Because I don't want him

to think I'm creepy,

Then push me away.

I don't wanna lose him

too...

Dreams.

He told me to dream about

him,

And I swear I will.

Last night I told him I

cried the night before,

And he told me to dream of

him.

I don't know what I'd do

without him.

For some reason,

Yesterday feels like a

dream.

Mother's being nice,

And being a mother.

I told him I loved him,

And Ashley's moving out.

It's like I get to start

my whole life over.

And the only thing I have

to take,

Are my scars.

Kim says long distance

relationships just don't work.

I guess we'll see.

Figures,

When I actually let my

guard down and fall,

The guy's too far away to

catch me.

Maybe.

I've come to a resolution.

Through all my pain and

suffering,

Things have been hard,

But I should let go of the

past,

And look forward to the

future.

I'll publish this and go

to college.

I want to live my life to

the fullest,

And be exactly who I want

to be.

Maybe I can.

All I know is that I'm

okay now.

I have him,

And I will have new

friends.

Things will be hard,

But I'll learn to deal.

I don't wanna end up dead.

And I don't think I will.

Through all this,

I've become stronger.

Even when times were

tough,

I kept myself from

resulting in cutting.

Maybe I'll be okay.

Maybe....

If.

If there was only one

thing in this world I could ask for,

It'd be to have my sister

back.

I want to be happy like we

once were.

I hate knowing that she

hates me.

I need an older sister.

I would be willing to

apologize for everything I ever did to her,

If she would just let me.

If.

That's the key word.

If.

I don't know if we ever

will be sisters,

But I do hope so.

I don't want to hate her.

I want to be best friends

with her.

I want to talk to her.

I want her to be there for

me and vis versa.

But I don't think that'll

happen.

I think she's disturbed.

Mentally.

I know she needs help.

And I hope Grandma will

help her get it.

So until then,

I'll have to bear through

her hate,

Because I just know,

That I can help her,

If she just let me.

If.

My Happy Ending?

I don't know if this is my

happy ending,

But it sure does feel like

it.

I am ready to just smile,

And die.

My family is happy,

I got a new start,

And things are great.

I love it here.

I love every part about

this place.

I can be happy and not

have to feel sad.

I'm looking at new walls

where I can make new memories.

I am ready to have kids,

And die.

I feel like I really did

live.

And for once,

I don't regret the past.

I know I left a mark on so

many peoples lives,

And I am happy for that.

I made my memories,

Made amends for anything I

have done wrong,

And I forgave my enemies.

What more could I ever ask

for?

Is this my happy ending?

I hope so...

12/1/09

It's been a while since my last entry.

I suppose the new me never worked out.

I'm in another city,

But nothing has changed.

I'm single,

Alone,

And I'd still like to die.

I guess it's destined,

To always be a fuck up.

Catastrophe.

Everything just got worse.

Mom and Dad are always

arguing,

And guess who's stuck in

the middle?

Me.

I don't like this place as

much as I thought.

I think I was right about

white people,

They're shallow.

I want to go home.

Meaning Romulus.

And if I can't go there,

Please let Ed take me

away.

I know now that we both

need each other.

I don't think I could live

without him.

He's all I have in this

fake,

Shallow,

Horrible,

World.

Sam's my friend I guess,

But no one could ever

replace Desiree and Miranda.

Hell,

I even miss Jenna.

Waiting for things to get

better,

Is like waiting for the

sun in this dark winter;

It's sad,

And disappointing.

My life feels like Alaska

with it's sunless days.

Yeah,

That's exactly what it's

like.

Dreaming of Him.

I keep dreaming of him,

And I can't keep doing

that.

It hurts me,

It hurts so much.

He meant the world to me.

Well,

At least at one point.

I guess my dreams are just

waking me up,

Making me see what I lost.

I chose this,

But as I had written on

Myspace,

I believe that I helped

him,

Changed him,

For the better.

No matter how much it's

hurting me.

I believe in myself and my

work.

I help people based on

what I believe they need to learn.

And I hate them thinking I

hurt them,

But I know it'll benefit

them in the end,

No matter how much it

hurts me.

I am here to serve others,

Not myself.

I believe that in all I've

done,

I've helped at least one

person.

And that,

Is good enough for me.

Giving Up.

I think it's about time I

give up.

I'll help others,

And when I grow up,

I'll become an addictions

counselor.

I'll play tennis my

sophomore, junior, and senior year.

Then I'll go to college.

On the side I'll write

stories and try to be with someone.

This isn't an inspiration

book,

Like some may think.

It's just my thoughts,

And with Ed completely

ignoring me,

I'm ever so lonely.

It's so hard living,

But I have to,

Because I have to help

others.

Tales.

If there's one thing I

learned,

It's that stories are just

stories,

And tales are just tales.

No one has a happily ever

after,

At least,

Not the people I know.

In this life,

I help people.

I'll give advice and just

be there,

And that's all I can do.

I can write,

And I can read,

But I can never forget,

That it's all just

fiction.

Vampires,

Cinderella,

Magic,

And true happiness,

Is all just a tale.

Maybe small children are

untainted,

Untouched by sadness and

evil,

But not I.

I sometimes wish I had a

childhood,

But I know it isn't

possible.

Heights.

If you're afraid of

heights,

Drop your skeletons,

And get absorbed in the

lights.

Don't be afraid to fall,

Because you won't feel a

thing,

Not at all.

Take a deep breath,

And let it all go.

Don't be afraid of death.

Now if you're afraid of

heights,

Close your eyes,

Let your body take

control,

Little baby bird,

And give God your soul.

Open your black wings,

And listen closely,

To the wind that sings.

If you're afraid of

heights,

Hear the world around you,

And fly like the kites.

This Guy.

Okay,

So there's this guy.

He's taller than me,

With dark hair.

A sophomore with a temper,

And I think he's got a

thing for me.

Okay,

So I know,

He definitely has a thing

for me.

And I like him too.

Not afraid to fight for

me,

And oh so cute when he

flirts,

I think he's my next

victim,

And if I can calm my slush

instincts,

I'll be able to have a

relationship.

He's got to remember I

need attention,

As I have to remember he's

got a temper.

But I think we can work,

If we try.

He's pretty smart,

At least with science.

Yeah, we should give it a

try.

Okay,

So there's this guy.

Underage.

She's only fourteen,

And she's the hottest on

the scene.

A mini skirt,

And half a shirt,

Keeps the guys,

From noticing her eyes.

She's scared to Hell,

With only her body to

sell.

Momma's not around,

And Daddy's sex bound.

With no one holding her,

She walks up to a rich

sir.

"Mister, mister,

please!"

"I ain't just some

tease...."

"I know, I need

money."

"Over here, Sonny."

He calls the bartender

over.

"Get this girl a

drink."

She gulps it down without

time to think.

"You're underage and

very brave."

"I'll give you a

night..."

"Jesus, you are quite

a sight."

"Name a price..."

"Okay, only since you

look nice."

She's only fourteen,

And of money she's keen.

No food,

No water,

She's scared as Hell.

With only her body to

sell.

Gone.

Ed's gone too.

And I'm all alone.

Rachel said it was too

hard to be my friend.

After six years,

She can't take it anymore.

But what did I ever do?

I was never mean to her,

And I'd never hurt her on

purpose.

Being alone hurts me so

bad,

But because I'm me,

I won't shed a single

tear.

No.

Never again.

Laugh and the world laughs

with you,

Cry,

And you cry alone.

I'll make the best of

this.

Even though my RHS friends

have forgotten about me,

I'll have others to teach.

I'll teach Sam and my new

friend Rachel.

I'll date Jamie,

And maybe,

AHS will become a better

place...

Scared.

I'm so scared.

I don't want to be crazy.

I don't want to be alone.

I hate this feeling.

This sad dark feeling

inside of me.

It makes me want to cry.

No one can help me,

Or at least,

No one wants to.

I hate this.

And the fact that my dad

is a controlling asshole,

Sure doesn't help it.

I hope he burns in Hell.

I am so tired of being

pushed around.

This is just ultimate

bullshit.

I hate this place,

And I'm so scared that

I'll be stuck here forever.

Even Tom tried to help me,

But it didn't work.

My family is screwed up,

Fucked up,

And horrible.

I hope we all die and go

to hell.

That would be my ultimate

revenge.

I hate that I can't do

anything about all this.

My feelings are so

horrible,

And I just can't take it.

I need help,

But no one will help me.

This is all I have.

All I can do is tell my

story,

But what good is a story,

If it has no ending?

I don't think this one

will.

I'll grow up and have my

own fucked up family,

But I don't think I'll

ever get better.

And whose fault is it?

My parents.

Because even though they

know,

They still won't do a damn

thing about it.

And because of them,

I'm scared.

I'm afraid of how I feel,

Because I know eventually,

I'll end up wanting to cut

again,

And I'll slowly fade out

of this world,

And into a worse one.

My life in hitting a

steady decline,

And I personally can't do

anything.

It's so unfair.

I can't do a damn thing.

What's wrong with me?

I may never know.

And it's all their fault.

I'll have to live the rest

of my life like this,

All because of them.

I'll have to spend the

rest of my life afraid of the dark,

Because they were too busy

to listen,

To care.

What did I ever do,

To possibly deserve this?

Crazy, Heartless, Whore.

That's what I call her.

I don't get it.

What did Dad do thats so

bad,

He won't even tell Kim?

Whatever it is,

She's using it against

him.

He gives her our money,

And whatever else she asks

for.

You'd think he'd be glad

to get rid of her,

But as soon as she goes to

jail,

Some unknown person pays

her way out.

I wonder who that could

be?

If he really hates her,

Why does he keep doing

this?

Why doesn't he just get a

restraining order all ready?

This is just so messed up.

He even took Kim's last

money,

And gave it to her.

Now I have a feeling that

$150 he wanted from Mom,

Is for her.

I think they both are

crazy.

Burning.

It's like pain,

Well,

It is,

But different.

The flame is so hot,

It's cold.

Then when the small,

Blonde hairs,

Have all been scorched to

black,

You turn the flame off,

And press the burning

metal to your skin.

It's so magical,

But so very scary.

This is why I need help.

I can't get addicted,

Not again.

Help.

I decided that I need to

get help.

After my experience with

burning.

I'm really,

Genuinely,

Scared.

I'm going to talk to Kim,

And tell her all of this.

I went so long without

cutting,

Without suicidal thoughts,

And now,

Here I am,

Back where I started.

I don't want to be that

person,

Not anymore.

Now I just need to think

of a plan.

How am I going to ask?

How can I keep myself

safe?

I'm terribly scared,

But I'm going to wait

until after the play.

I want help.

Sterile.

Cold,

White floors.

The quiet.

The only sound is the

squeaking shoes.

Is this where I'll end up?

Maybe.

I'm afraid,

But I don't think they'll

send me away.

Not unless I'm a danger to

myself.

Am I?

I don't know.

Probably.

To be honest,

I'm not even sure I'll do

it.

By the end of the play,

I could get so bad,

And not even think twice

about denying my need for help.

I hope not,

But if I do get locked up,

I have a feeling that

these cold,

White floors,

With the doctor's

squeaking shoes,

And the false kindness in

everyone's voice,

And the terribly sterile

walls,

Will always haunt me,

In my dreams,

And in my mind.

Broken Mirror.

When I look in the mirror,

I see some girl,

Not me.

I don't belong in this

body.

I look like a broken girl,

And when I look away,

I feel so empty,

Like the girl in the

mirror.

But that's not me.

It can't be.

I'm the smart girl,

The one with a life ahead

of her,

Not this haunted girl,

With a dead look on her

face.

It's not me looking back.

The mirror has to be

broken,

Because this isn't me.

This girl isn't me,

It can't be me.

I'm the nice girl,

A girl without her first

kiss,

A girl who loves mud and

fun,

Whose imagination is

large,

And her mind is wide.

This isn't me.

This mirror has to be

broken,

Because this girl isn't

me.

Last Night I Had a Dream.

Mom and Dad were soo

happy.

Dad was holding Mom and

she was smiling and laughing.

I know,

Dad loves Kim,

But a little kid can dream

right?

I love my mom and my dad

and I want them to be happy,

But there's nothing I can

do.

I really wish they were

happy.

I do like Kim a whooole

bunch,

But that doesn't mean I

don't think about my mom,

And just wish,

So wish,

That they could be

together.

Sometimes at night I'll

sit there and wonder,

Does she ever wish the

same?

I don't think Mom and Papa

meant for this to happen.

They just wanted for them

to be happy,

And maybe they would have

if,

Dad had really loved her,

And she had really loved him.

You could say.

That I've fallen in love.

And I'd like to believe I have.

But how can I love someone when they hurt me so?

I love this guy,

So much,

But he hurts me so much.

His name is Michael.

And I'm in love with him.

A month has passed since we began dating.

Even though right now,

He says we need a break.

Fine,

I'll be okay.

I always am.

Right?

Nikki helps me with that.

Nikki is the girl who takes over me when I'm too weak.

She's Catherine times a hundred.

Like an evolved version of her,

That takes over my body,

When I can't help myself.

She truly keeps me alive.

Forget.

Images show me,

Of a better time and place.

For the rest of my life,

I'll always remember your taste.

Our world was so happy then,

It was before my fragile heart,

Needed to be mended.

Oh God,

Tell me,

Why.

Why can't I dream,

Without crying?

I want to forget,

All the times,

And that we even met.

I'm done with us,

And all the pain.

I'm gonna leave this in the dust.

But how can I forget you,

If you won't even let me?

I want to rue,

Every single moment,

I spent with you.

I'd rather die than see,

You so much happier,

Without me...

Oh God,

Tell me,

Why.

Why can't I dream,

Without crying?

I want to forget,

All the times,

And that we even met.

It's so much better,

If you never said a word,

Or sent me any letter.

I can't bare to see you anymore,

It makes me drop to the floor.

How am I supposed to forget,

If you won't even let me,

And I can't regret?

I just want this to be over now,

So go ahead and take a bow.

We had a great show,

But you're eyes stopped the glow.

You don't love me anymore.

What I get alot of is sadness.

But I've decided not to anymore.

I've decided to be okay and let go.

I won't let this town get me down anymore.

Only three more years,

Three years until I'm gone.

I've got to make it perfect.

And I will.

Right now,

I'm just glad I've had the time to think.

This girl is gone.

And I'll never be the same.

I live for happiness and I'm tired,

Tired of being sad.

I've got to live.

Only three more years until I can leave this all behind.

About Me.

I'm looking for something,

I don't know what,

But I've been looking for quite some time.

I guess if I had to chose,

I'd say it's love I'm looking for.

Not a boy and girl love,

Like many hopeless teenagers crave,

But the love of someone more important.

I want someone who'll love me,

Unconditionally,

And forever.

A love a mother shows her child,

Or a child her doll.

I want someone to love me.

I'm tired of all these fakes and all these acts.

I want love and I couldn't care less who gives it to me.

Honestly,

I can feel myself going crazy.

It's not a good feeling,

But it's there.

And it will always be there.

For the rest of my life.

Where am I?

I'm in a place I haven't been in a while.

I'm in the gray.

The meds my therapist has given me has middled me out.

I feel normal.

I can laugh and have fun,

And I don't feel the need to hurt.

I'm okay.

I'm in the gray and I'm fine with that.

My new life has finally begun.

9/2/10

My father divorced my mother.

We moved into a new house about a month ago with Kim.

Therapy has kept me going,

And daily meds keep me happy.

Is this the end?

For now,

I believe so.