It's been a while.

I must say, things have been exceptionally… different.

On January 12, 2010, he sent me an apology.

On February 8, 2010, he snuck into my room and admitted he still loved me.

Between February 20-27, 2010, he broke up with her.

On March 16, 2010, we began dating.

On March 28, 2010, my friend's boyfriend raped me.

On April 11, 2010, he (the boy I love, the one I'm dating) snuck over. Now, this isn't an unusual thing. He does it quite often and we've been sneaking to each others houses for the past two years. But this time, my step-dad woke up. He came into the kitchen, which is right next to my room. Then my mom woke up and asked to come in my room. I said no.

And it all exploded. I had to send him away and then followed an awful two-hour argument. When my mom left, he knocked on my window. He said he couldn't leave. And I couldn't send him away—not when he'd been waiting outside in the cold for so long. My mom heard and came running down. I told her that I couldn't send him away—I swore I didn't know he was still there. She didn't believe me, but she said he better be gone by the time my step-dad came down in the morning.

And he was. I sent him away by 6:20am. I felt sick and got to stay home that day, and the next day. Apparently, he'd stayed home Tuesday, too. Wednesday—we don't have any classes together but usually at the end of the day, he walks towards my locker. He didn't. Thursday, same thing. He won't reply to my texts, he won't walk towards me, he won't see me after school. I'm scared he's avoiding me.

I did the only thing I could think of. It sounds stupid, but I sent him a Facebook message asking why he's avoiding me. His reply: "I'm… not. o.o" So I explained why I thought he was. And he hasn't said anything since, but I know he was on Facebook at some point today because he deleted something off his Wall. I know this because I've been checking his Facebook every few minutes, hoping for a sign that he even fucking exists right now.

But he hasn't replied.

It's one month today and he's avoiding me. I feel sick to my stomach.

My cutting addiction came back in February. And recently, I've turned to drinking. There's a bottle of vodka in my room that I will doubtless use to drown my sorrows.

This is wrong. This is all very wrong.

I went to the doctor a few days ago and got a referral for a psychiatrist. Will I be medicated? I don't know. Part of me hopes so, part of me doesn't want to go at all. I've always felt that depression triggered by a relationship problem is stupid. I will feel stupid talking about my cutting and depression in relation to him. I don't think my problems are worthy of being problems.

On another note, my grades are dropping. I barely do homework, and I avoid make-up work. I haven't taken an in-class essay from weeks ago, and I haven't shown my teachers the annotations in my book from last unit. I haven't taken a Spanish test from February. I haven't talked to my dad in two months because he said "it would be easier if [I wasn't his] daughter" and "[I] don't behave normally."

He doesn't know how to handle me, and I realize that, so I won't put him through the trouble of having to try.

The doctor thing… They also took a blood sample to check if I'm anemic. The dizziness and fainting from standing too fast should pass with time. The frequent stomach pains should be cured if I eat regularly. I think that's all.

So. I'm Kitty and I'm fucked up.