i feel turbulent
and scrambled, a jigsaw puzzle
mixed up and scattered all over the
floor and i long for solutions that i will not receive until
my mind has cleared.
i feel that i must be the guide and the guided,
the teacher and the student,
days spent in buttery summer sun and staring
at the calm of a lake, mirroring back not that pristine
stillness but instead, a rippling chaos.
how can i be so mixed up and yet still happy?
upset and serene at the same time
and i hate contradictions, for they remind me of
my father,
and never would i wish to be my father's daughter.
no time for introspection,
too busy studying and preparing and
teaching and learning
trying to slow down but accelerating nonetheless,
my feet have forgotten the pattern of the race.
and though my heart is pounding with fear it is serene
and i'll spend this season with a smile that hides my inner motion