author's note: this is not meant to be taken seriously or offensively or even erotically. it is PURELY satirical. even so, it's meant for mature readers. so if you're a little boy, please, don't masturbate to this. enjoy!


I'm listening to the first episode of How to Fuck a Woman's Brains Out for free. I found the audiobook on Google, so I don't have to turn any pages, so I can listen, so I can jerk it. HornPapa, the author, tells me how he's fucked over 200 girls. He hit 159 and stopped counting. He says that any night of the week he can have one or two or three girls in his apartment, wet and crooning for hours on end with their heads on his bed and their three asses in the air, just asking for more. And he says that he can keep giving it to them. I start to jerk off. HornPapa tells me that I can be like him. He says that with his book, his audiobook, I'm going to be a god. I'm going to be able to Fuck a Woman's Brains Out. He says that he means this both figuratively and literally. He says what he means by literally, is that he's given girls so many orgasms that they pass out for a good 60 seconds. I keep jerking it. Don't worry, he says, this is normal and it's healthy and O.K. to keep fucking them. You can fantasize rape for a solid minute and they wake back up A-O.K. HornPapa says that rape isn't right, but it's not wrong when the girl's out cold, tongue out and eyes rolling, from you fucking her. I start to sweat. I keep at it. He says that he's done this plenty of times, and to plenty of women. But now, he says, he only does it to his wife. Every night she's seeing stars for a minute or two while he fucks her stupid, her arms limp and her legs dangling like a rag-doll. And she loves it, he says. She's covered in cum and her fingers are twitching, and he says she loves every second of her unconscious orgasm. I get harder. I go faster. I keep jerking it. She's his cumdumpster. He says she loves it when he calls her that. HornPapa says that it's not O.K. to victimize women. He says you have to find the sex slave that's right for you, and stick with her, and keep fucking her. He makes sure you know that he's no womanizer. I'm not a womanizer, he says. You need to treat women properly, he says--you need to respect them. You'll be able to fuck any girl you've ever wanted, he tells me. I'm still jerking it. Harder, faster. He says that I don't even have to look exceptionally great. My abs don't need to be chiseled, my ass doesn't need to be in too good of shape. He says that he's got a gut, a good lucking face, and an average sized dick. But HornPapa can touch a girl's belly-button from the inside when he penetrates. He can have them squirting from every orifice on their body at the same time. Cum, drool, blood. Whatever the fuck else. HornPapa can do it. I've got an average sized dick. Check. I'm getting a gut. My face is alright. Check, check, check. I can be a god. That's what he tells me, through his audiobook, for free. I'm still whacking off. Furiously. He says that if by the end of his entire audiobook I haven't learned how to Fuck a Woman's Brains Out, I can fuck his. HornPapa says that for $19.95, he'll teach me in the rest of his audiobook how to have so many girls after my dick I'll have to beat them off with it. I keep beating off. I'm sweating. I'm climaxing. The free first episode of How to Fuck a Woman's Brains Out ends with a picture of an old man with loose skin, yellow grinning teeth, and two liver-spots on a hairless head perched on two folded hands. It is signed, HornPapa. I can't stop myself from finishing all over my computer screen before there is cum sliding off of HornPapa's hideous face. I start to gag and I collapse on the floor with my pants at my ankles. I'm out for a good minute or so.