All right... where to begin? Oh yes. Bella.
Bella is most obviously a Mary-Sue. Meyer should've gone and named our "Beautiful Swan" Stephenie to save us the trouble. Bella describes herself as "plain" and "clumsy." As the name states, Bella must not be as plain as she thinks. She has to be the opposite, although I think she's so special that she deserves a smack in the face. An overview of Bella's move to Forks, shall we?
So this completely ordinary girl moves to the dreary town of Forks (Why the hell did she move anyway?), and is the rejected, quiet new girl, right? Wrong. Bella isimmediatelyadored by five guys. Two of which are supernatural hotties, and the other three are just too normal for our wonderful Bella, aren't they? Sheapparentlydoesn't relate well with humans, but is accepted into a lunch table on her first day. Her main reason for them is to have quick, disposable friends that she can throw away once she gets her Eddy-kun. She falls head over heels in love over the course of a week, which is a load of crap. Since when do people love each other in a week, oh yeah, I forgot, in Meyer's perfect world of happy (Where oh where are my scary vampires?) nice vampires that aren't allowed to hurt Miss Isabella Swan.
Bella's care for her family isnonexistent.
Sure, she doesn't want the vampires to hurt them. But again, they're just like her disposable friends. Throw them away once you're done with them. Yes children, that's how we treat our friends! Let's all be like Bella! And remember kids, never call your parents "mom" and "dad"! That's Charlie and Renée to you! ^.^b
May I mention that Bella is a complete bitch?
She cries, cries a little more, hugs her abusive boyfriend, and gets what she wants. Her dad buys her a car, and what does Bella think?Crap, my dad's buying me a car. OMFG! I love it!Yeeeeeeeeah. She also claims that she loves Alice like a sister, yet brushes her off and hates to do anything that Alice enjoys. Some friend. Someprotagonist. Can't even have any dreams besides her wonderful vampire boyfriend. ______
Now, onto Edward.
He's a fairy that sparkles in the sunlight. Not a vampire. A fairy. You can look him up by watching Walt Disney'sPeter Pan. Whenever Tinkerbell flies on, you see Edward in disguise.
I don't know what Bella sees in him, although I guess they share some of the same qualities.
Or not. Okay, well they both are extremely bitchy, so that makes up for something. Edward isn't your perfect boyfriend, folks. He'sStephenie Meyer'sperfect boyfriend. Man, her marriage must suck for her to invent someone like him.
#1 Edward is a control freak.
When Bella wants to say goodbye to her dad (in her own not so original way), he says:"You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep."
So our ever-perfect Edward Cullen is demanding his ever-perfect girlfriend to haul ass and ditch her father? Yup. I sure hope everyone who wants a boyfriend like him gets one. Then they'll see how much fun it is to have an uber sexy guy who stalks you and tells you what to do. It's sad how many people like him.
#2 Personality? I don't think so.
Does Edward possibly have a personality? Well, he's exhibited signs of some knowledge in the field of sarcasm, and some talent at playing the piano. Wow. There's enough personality there to make up for all the Mario characters combined! Edward's only known traits are the fact that he's hot, smart, and everything a girl could wish for. Besides a sense of humor, of course.
#3 Never Been on a Date
As Edward has previously stated, he'd never dated a girl before Bella. I guess he gets his expertise with girls from practicing on his teddy bear. As for what he does with Bella inBreaking Dawn,a teddy bear would've been impossible for practice, so he must've used a bean bag chair. Edward's smooth, sexy voice seems to come from nowhere, and so does his apparent experience with girls. Maybe he lied to Bella about Tanya's clan, and had an affair with one of the females. Of course, Meyer would never allow her perfect Edward to cheat on our Mary Sue, would she?
#4 He's Freezing
I know this is a small matter, but Edward is freezing cold. How does Bella fall asleep in his arms without a bunch of wool blankets? I've just been wondering that.
#5 Psychic Vampire
Mr. Cullen is 'da man! He can read minds, which means that no one will hurt our useless Bella as long as Eddy-kun can tell what the awesome person trying to destroy her is about to do! His powers should make it hard to concentrate (reference from Melissa inThe Secret Hour, which is a much better book) on his work and other people. But perfect Edward can tune them out and focus on whatever the hell he wants. Which is only Bella, of course. And it just happens that he can't read her mind. Lucky him, it's boring as hell.
Definition:a person who does not eat meat, and sometimes other animal products, esp. for moral, religious, or health reasons.
Yeah right. Why don't you try having some vampires eating lettuce? 'Cause I don't see them helping them environment with the slaughter of innocent wildlife. Meyer should just put up a sign that says: "Promote sexism and animal abuse!" Their diet is sickening (So isBreaking Dawn, XD). They couldn't be our awesome vampires that will drink humans' blood and not think twice about it. They had to be on an animal blood diet. Nice diet, Cullens. .
#6 Sparkles Like a Clean Floor... or Gai-sensei's Teeth?
What in the hell is with sparkly vampires? Is that their newfound sophisticated way of being burned by the sunlight? It's not even funny. I think Meyer's vampires use a bit too much soap in their expensiveJacuzzis.
#7 Poor Puppies
Edward doesn't like our little puppy dog Jake. Shame on him. Shame on the person who decided that the rest of the series was worth publishing. I thinkTwilightjust barely got a D-.
#8 Edward Cullen is Our New Hannah Montana!
Forget about Disney idols. Although they're worshipped, Edward Cullen probably has just any many fan-girls as the Jonas Sisters. Which is annoying for anyone that hates him. Personally, he could go get get torn up and burned for all I care. No, I do care. I want him to watch Bella die first. That'd be awesome.
Onto the large amount of sexism featured in the series.
Basically, every female character sucks. Bella can't do anything until the end ofBreaking Dawn, Alice may be useful, but she's yourstereotypicalteenage girl. "Oh my god Bella, let's like, go shopping or something! I justhaveto dress you up like you're my life-sized Barbie!" Meyer's female characters are always falling over their object of affections as well. Bella can't life without her Eddy-kun, Rosalie is so damn overprotective of Emmet (An added plus, she's a snob), Alice has to have Jasper with hereverywhere, Esme doesn't do anything besides stand around the whole time, and Leah spends her time aggravating everyone because her precious Sam dumped her. Leah could've been an asset to the books and maybe could've made them better, but no. She had to suck, just like the rest.
Now it's time for our damsel in distress.
It seems as if Bella is our typical damsel in distress. Her clumsiness is really only there to provide an excuse for Edward to come save her ass. She can't do anything, claims she loves to read, and only reads (and may I add, REREAD) four books throughout the entire series. Thanks for contradicting yourself again, Meyer.
Now it's time for the horrific romance of our two favorite idiots.
I know plenty of people have realized it, but their relationship is lust, not love. Have they ever shared a conversation that wasn't about Bella's safety or asking nosy questions? No. They claim that they love each other more than anything, but they usually just talk about how hot the other is. Beautiful Swan and Beautiful Cullen. Edward and Bella get married for the same reason as Romeo and Juliet. Lust. Of course, Romeo and Juliet had an ending that was worth they didn't have a magic kid. After Bella and Edward get married, their goal should be to get know each other more and spend time with with their daughter, right? Wrong again. They spend their nights doing it and spend the day using up all the idiotic sappy phrases Meyer thinks of. Wow, that sounds like fun! *rolls eyes*
Imprinting.... a way to find true love or to just reproduce?
Imprinting is another example of sexism in the series. The werewolf guys will imprint on a girl, no matter how old they are as a mechanism to keep their wolfy gene going. Even if the girl is young, they'll stay by their side as a father or older brother figure until the girl is old enough to have a sexual relationship with them. Personally, I think it's sick for the poor girls to go out with a guy who's been a brother figure your entire life. Meyer says it's like love at first sight... for the guys. The girls are supposed to know that they were meant to be with him, but they don't have a choice of guys. Another thing, the girls can't imprint. It's as if theentiretyof the pack's survival is based off of the men, while the girls are automatically menopausal and cannot help the pack grow. Sexist, sexist, sexist.
Meyer's vampires are no such thing.
They have no fangs. No fear of holy items. No harm done by sunlight. No three bites and you're out. Feelings about hurting humans. Delicious smelling shampoo, they've got that. BS, that's what it is.
Renesmee is a freak of nature.
There's no way she could possibly exist, even within the absurd laws of Meyer's world. Vampires only have VENOM in their systems, making it impossible for Edward to fertilize Renesmee without killing her and Bella. This is also slightly random, but why in the hell would Bella name her Renesmee? It was retarded name choice, guess Bella can't think up her own names. Idiot Mary Sue.
A summary of the series:
A beautiful girl moves to Forks and falls in love with an obsessive vampire despite all of the other better options. They go to play baseball one day and run into a gang of totally awesome evil vampires. One decides that he likes how Bella smells and tracks her toPhoenixwhere he gets killed by her uber annoying boyfriend. After a happy-go-lucky summer, Edward decides that he's bad for Bella and leaves her. She gets all depressed and suicidal and clingy to a werewolf named Jacob Black. She goes cliff diving one day and the psychic future seeing vampire (Alice) sees her and thinks she's killing herself. Edward decides to commit suicide so Alice goes and brings Bella to Italy, which is where they happen to be staying. Bella stops Edward from killing himself and they meet the big baddies, otherwise known as the Volturi. They go home and be a happy couple again. Later on Edward and Jacob start fighting until they find out that the evil vampire's mate from the previous year is coming back to kill Mary Sue. The werewolves and vampires team up and beat her army. Oh yeah, and Edward and Bella get engaged. Whoop-de-freaking-do. After they win, Bella and Edward get married and go on a honeymoon to Esme's Isle. They "go all the way" and in some mysterious way (You know, the whole all venom in a vampire's system thing.) Bella becomes pregnant with a half vampire. It breaks a bunch of her bones and chews through her uterus to get out. Edward bites Bella a bunch of times so she turns into a vampire and doesn't die. Then the rest is building up to the crappiest climax in history. And everyone lives happily ever after. Damn.
Revisiting the topic of our vegetarian vampires, I'm going to speak about the creator of the Veggie Vampire religion, our own Carlisle Cullen. Who in the hell cares about him anyway? Carlisle is the perfect husband for anybody who wants money, a hot guy, and a good doctor. His personality is that of a person who's been watchingwaytoo many cheesy super hero shows. The female nurses treat him like a super hero too, because heevenis a super hero... in the emergency room. (Nothing against doctors here.) What's his kryptonite? Sunlight. It even rhymes, for god's sake! Sunlight, however, doesn't weaken Carlisle Cullen, it just makes him sparkle.
Jasper Cullen: What's so great about him?
Sadly, there isn't much that's great about him. While he's described as being the strong, silent, and most importantly, sexy type, he doesn't have much personality. His development as a character isnonexistent, even with Meyer's addition of aback-story. His power doesn't seem to help anyone out much either. People may argue that Jasper is the quiet member of the Cullen Clan, but he might just be mute. Imagine that, imperfection in a jacked up fairy tale.
book is about Bella and Edward! Without them, we wouldn't have to wade through the vast ocean of sappy romance scenes to get to a glimpse at a plot. As I've said before, their relationship is nothing more than a crappy and less interesting version of Romeo and Juliet, minus the angst. It's kinda like, "Wow, I love how your hair smells!", and then, "Wow! You're pretty! I love you!"
Yeeeeah. Two words for this: EPIC. FAIL.
Bella Edward = Love? Yeah right.
Did anyone besides me notice that while Jacob, although he has this as well, gets all of the attention for being a pedophile, Edward also counts as one as well? In fact, Edward is an even bigger pedophile than Jacob is. He just happens to be 107 years old, while Jacob is only eighteen or something like that. What I'm trying to say is that the main guys inTwilightare major pedophiles.
I know this has been mentioned before (in different rants that aren't written by me), but Meyer bring her religion (Mormon) into the serieswaytoo much. For one, Mormon's believe that males are superior to females, which explains Edward and Bella's abusive relationship. They also believe that god cursed those who have dark skin are cursed. The La Push gang is described as Native American looking, which might be why Meyer had the pale vampire win against the dark skinned werewolf. Racism, much?
"I'M TEAM ALICE!!!!!!!!!!! GOOOOOOOOO ALICE!!!!!!!!111"
Screw this shit, seriously. Who the hell is on team Alice, especially a girl!?! Alice, although she's labelled as the most useful female character in theTwilight Saga, is nothing more than your annoying, whiny, stereotypical teenage girl. Her power had potential, but Meyer never even attempted to bring it out to its full extent. The whole seeing-into-the-future thing was cool and all, but who cares when Bella can make a mind shield! ^-^b
Oh yeah, and about that whole mind shield thing....
That was crappier than a Naruto filler episode. Bella becomes a super vampire and saves the day? Sorry to break your bubbles, but that stuff doesn't happenanywhere. Being made into a vampire (in theTwilightseries, that is) doesn't give you a free ride in the first few years. It's supposed to convert you into an angsty little psychopath who lusts for the blood of any human who happens to be in the area. Bella, being a Mary-Sue, gets to take the easy way out and become a retarded version of Violet from "The Incredibles."
"im sorry haters... but i amreallyMAD!!! grrr!"
Ha, ha. Someone can't take a blow every once in a while. This introduces my next topic... theTwilightfanbase.
All of the quotes used in this review areactualquotes from living, breathing fan-girls. The fanbase is one thing that greatly deters me from ever being able to enjoy the series again. I don't care what anyone says about how great their fellow fans are, but the truth is that only a few fans that I've met have the intelligence to actually comeback with something to support their favorite series.
Now I'm going to point out the main faults in each of the books.
First off, while not some of the most awful themes conveyed in the series, they're still pretty bad. Stalking is a good thing, being a completely helpless bitch will get you a good boyfriend, looks are everything, parents don't matter, and having normal friends just isn't cool.
Wouldyoucare if your boyfriend crawled through your window and watched you sleep? Most people would give the freak a smack in the face and call the cops, but Bella finds thisflattering and lovable.
Yes, lovable. That's sick. That sort of behavior isn't called love or flattery; it's called obsession, or stalking. Whatever you call it, that's unhealthy. No normal relationship usually involves one partner stalking the other.
Damsel in distress, ah, the classic opening to a shitty story. Bella somehow manages to get hurt in volleyball, almost be raped, faints in biology, isalmostrun over by a car, is tailed (Yes, I know that sounds completely wrong.) by a trio of deadly hunter vampires, and escapes mostly unscathed. How does this happen? Mr. Gary-Stu (aka, Edward Cullen) swoops in and carries her out of danger. The worst part is that Bella can do absolutely nothing to defend herself, and doesn't have to brains to do anything but whine and bitch to Edward about her problems. Bella has no personality, except for that she has the ability to complain to anyone about anything. Edward's personality consists of violent mood swings and extreme moments of bitchiness. Other than that, he's like talking to a rock. A hard,scintillatingrock.
Remember kids, looks are the only thing you should looks for when you're looking for guys. Personality has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Bella's parents seemed to be held in Bella's lowest regards. She called them by their first names in her head, although once she screwed up and called her dad "Charlie" to his face. Just because her parents were divorced, which I know would effect her relationship with her parents, she didn't need to hate her dad's guts. Charlie actually seemed like a pretty cool dad. Bella just continued to bitch about him though. Reneé had no purpose but to be portrayed as the childlike, idiotic, but strangely sensible mother of Bella's.
Bella's friends were sucked into a black hole when Edward Cullen entered the scene.
Another book full of Bella's relentless complaints! In this one, Edward decides that he's not good for Bella, and leaves. Bella goes into depression for months, even if she'd only dated him for about five months. She becomes friends with Jacob Black and clings onto him for support as she dives headfirst in to insanity and schizophrenia. (Hearing voicesisone of the symptoms.) Nothing happens for about four hundred pages, and then Alice comes back and whisks Bella off to Italy. Bella meets three gay men who lead a royal family of vampires and Jane, who is a Mrs. Umbridge sort of character. Edward saves her and they go back to Forks.
What the hell? This book had no point whatsoever. Bella just got an excuse to bully Edward into sex, nothing more. Werewolves are introduced, but Meyer might as well put up a sign that says, "SCREW THE WEREWOLVES, SPARKLES ALL THE WAY!!!!"
A love triangle commences. Bella gets stuck in-between a child molester and a 107 year old pedo, making this the most intriguing love triangle you'll ever read about. *gag* Anyway, Bella thinks that she loves Jacob as well as Edward and makes out with both of them. Edward doesn't give a damn and says that he loves her anyway. Jacob, on the other hand, gets pissed off at just about anything Edward and Bella do. As Victoria gathers a little army of Meyerpires, they play tug-of-war over a whiny bitch. Victoria comes and rapes Edward. Just kidding about that line. Instead, she gets decapitated. Unfortunately.
Oh yeah, and marriage is proposed. Three cheers for teen pregnancy! :DDDDD
Anyway, this is one of the worst love triangles I have ever read. There isn't any passion between Bella andeitherpedo, but she convinces her sick mind that she loves them both. After much fighting and annoying love confessions, she goes with the guy who she started out with. Edward-fucking-Cullen. Jacob gets pissed and runs away to Happy Happy Torture Chamber Land. (Higurashi reference, don't ask.)
Hands down the worst book in the series, and that's saying something, considering they were all crap. InBreaking Dawn, Bella becomes even more conceited, even more bitchy, and turns into a mother. Jacob goes into super pedophile mode, Edward has emotions for a scene, and Rosalie gets dog food in her hair. I'm going to have to break this into sections, just so I can fit all three "books" into this review.
Book One - Bella
Even though I was once aTwilightfan, I knew just from reading the parts that were posted online that it wasn't going to be good. I tried to keep my hopes up, and bought the book at the Midnight Release Party. Big mistake. I started reading at about three AM, and it got progressively boring as the book dragged on. Bella rambled about how self conscious she was to be getting married. Marriage is supposed to be a happy event, but in her case, she was being bullied into it by her fiancée. That registers as abusive in most people's minds, but maybe Bella just has air in her head.
Anyway. she gets married. They go on a honeymoon to the conveniently Cullen owned island. Basically, Edward knocks up Bella and she gets pregnant. Charlie yells at Bella and Edward about how Bella can't be pregnant earlier in the book; great foreshadowing skills, Meyer.
The kid is growing exponentially and is going to make Bella explode. BOOM!
Book Two - Jacob
Absolutely nothing happens in this book. Meyer wastes three hundred pages just to talk about how Leah's pissed about being menopausal, and Edward begging Jacob to be a little man-whore. The only highlight is that Jacob has interesting chapter titles.
Book Three - Bella (Again)
The Loch Ness Monster is born.
The kid, which by Meyer's world laws, shouldn't exist, is a freak of nature. She possesses qualities of both humans and vampires, and is named Renesmee (combination of Renée and Esme). He middle name is Carly, a combination of Carlisle and Charlie. This way of naming is a Mormon tradition (combining parents names to form a whole new name), which proves that Meyer still must bring her religion into every thing once again.
Oh, and Mr. Pedo falls in love with her. This little love at first sight thing is called imprinting, otherwise known as the reproductive mechanism of the century.
Sadly, Edward bites Bella and saves her from death. Bella goes into a coma for a few days, awakening to find the world in a whole new perspective. Her first thought is....
"The dust was so beautiful I inhaled in shock."
What the hell is with this? Who would think of that when they wake up as a vampire? WHO!?! Well, Bella becomes happy with her child and her husband, and they find a new threat. Remember the trio of gay guys and the sadistic woman? Well, they're back. The Cullens gather up an army bigger than hell itself to face the menace. Bella finds out that she can create a mental shield, and magically masters the power within a few weeks. If you don't consider this to be Mary-Sueish, then I'd suggest you lay off the crack, dear.
So everyone gets to the big battle scene, and the readers are all pumped for a wonderful climax, right? That doesn't happen. They stand and talk for a while, sip from their teacups, and discuss politics.
Bella keeps the discussion from getting too heated and everyone goes home happy. Except for me, and anyone else who thought that this book should've been burned.
Twilight: The Movie
My friends and I (Fellow haters, may I add) went to see the movie earlier today. It was as bad as Super Babies. I almost fell asleep halfway through. The music was enough to kill a child, the acting was mediocre, and the special effects were laughable. Even the diehard fans at the theater were disappointed. Nothing new.
And that concludes my follow-up to "Why I Hate Twilight." I might write another one of these, if I'm not too lazy. Au revoir.
And there's my rant, please don't kill me fangirls.