do you ever miss bleeding?
she asked, choking on tears.

and my mind screamed all the answers
my heart has never been willing to say,
but i pressed my lips together and lied.

"sometimes, but honestly, i don't know
why. it's not the misery that i miss but
the idea of causing myself pain because
i was numb inside. it was as if the world
did not exist on the outside. i focused pain
inward and it only left me bleeding more."

and she found herself behind white walls,
screaming for innocence and Hope
already given to her by the only One
who loves her more than can she fathom.

all i want to do is cry for her –
tears that are nothing for me
but everything for her.

"when i hit rock bottom, i wanted
to take my own life, but i found
Hope again," she told me, smiling.
(and i couldn't be more happier for her.)

because four years ago, i was bleeding
— i didn't know Hope like i do now.
screaming, bleeding, vomiting bile
caught in the back of my throat
(even with a finger, there was no escape.)


Author's note: For Shelby. You are stronger than you know, girl.