Cathartic Ritual

Still I'm in reminiscence from a place you'll never know, I find the strength to tell you things I hardly ever show.

-'Faces like Mine' Emilie Autumn

Introduction: Confessions of a Fallen Queen

I want to hold you to the sun, I want to be your faithful one, I want to show you all the beauty you don't even know you hold. I'm hurting you for your own good, I'd die for you- you know I would. I'd give up all my wealth to buy you back the soul you never sold.

-'Liar' Emilie Autumn

She's the girl your mother warned you about. She was a pothead and she loves to drink. She loves tattoos and likes piercings.

She's the girl who never looks you directly in the eyes. She's the girl who hides behind her fake smile. She's the girl who (secretly) wants to be normal. She's always been great at extremes, it's finding balance she struggles with.

She was raised Catholic by her mother, and her father was an Atheist. She was Agnostic growing up. She's always wanted to believe in God.

She's the girl who's always been attracted to girls. She's the girl who's only ever truly loved twice. She's the girl who's afraid to love, but when she does- she loves with everything she has and more.

For an introverted, awkward, weird girl she can be extroverted and has great social skills.

She's been raped by three different men. She dissociates often because being inside her own body often freaks her out. She tries so hard to stay present. She's the girl who has flashbacks, panic attacks, and (now) the very rare night terror. She's the girl who has spent her whole life forgetting the pain, that now she can never forget. She's too scared to forget again, but how can she forget now- she knows too much.

She was diagnosed Bipolar, then with DID and PTSD. She's been heavily medicated, hospitalized three times in one year, and seen more therapists than she can count. She speaks (writes) in the third person because there are five girls who walk inside her. Five different pieces that make the whole girl. Five girls who share the same body.

She's the girl who never felt good enough. She's the girl who never felt pretty. She's the girl who's always been just a little too chubby. She would look into the mirror and hated what she saw. She's the girl who could always take a certain amount of pain and humiliation.

She's always had a vivid imagination. Music is her first love but her passion is in her writing. Writing is her therapy- she just learned to be great at it.

She's survived because she's strong-willed, stubborn, and determined to live. Her will to live was stronger than her will to die.