Beautifully

The tale of the lovers that could never be

I held her closely by her waist, inhaling that sweet flowery scent that lingered around her curly brown hair. We were slow dancing underneath the bed of stars at our favorite secluded spot, a place we'd always go to anytime we wanted to laugh or tell stories. Just being here made me nostalgic.

A slow country song flowed out of my car stereos as she lifted her head off my shoulder and flashed that beautiful smile my direction.

There was hope in her eyes as if everything I had told her earlier tonight wasn't true. This was her attempt to steer me in the direction I've desperately tried taking, but this was something I couldn't change even if I tried.

My heart broke again and I dropped my hands from her waist with a soft sigh. "I think we should head out," I murmured, unable to look her in the eye.

She placed both her hands on my chest and looked up at me with sparkling, pleading eyes. "Don't," she whispered, her tone having a hint of desperation in it.

I knew what she was doing, but as much as I wanted to, I couldn't change my mind. "Please," I told her in a low tone, just as desperate as her.

Blankly, I gently pushed her aside without looking at her as I headed back towards my truck. I froze when I didn't hear her footsteps following.

I spun back around and called out her name in a soft, uneven voice. She probably heard how torn my voice was because even I heard it.

Her arms hugged her body as she shivered from the light breeze of tonight. "Just give me a chance," she said in a low, quiet tone.

Taking a few steps towards her, I shook my head. "You don't think I've wanted to?" I questioned. "You don't think I've tried?" I exclaimed in a low tone. I've tried for everyone's sake, but I couldn't force it anymore. It was impossible for me to fall in love with any woman at this point.

The pained look in her eyes made me realize that it wasn't fair for me to have held her that close to me tonight. "I'm sorry," I told her softly.

I'm sorry. That's what she said after she had unknowingly shed tears when I had confessed to her my secret.

Tonight I talked to her about loneliness. How I could be with any girl and she could be the most desirable one out there, but I would still be the loneliest man on the planet. I knew she had understood, but she didn't want to believe it.

"I love you." Her voice cracked and I could see the pain and denial still in her eyes.

The guilt in my heart shot through me again and I couldn't bear hurting her like this. "I love you, too," I told her again tonight.

"But not in that way…?" she asked quietly in a small voice, still not believing what I had confided in her earlier.

I slowly shook my head. "I can't like any girl in that way," I explained in almost a whisper for the second time tonight.

She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply like she had done the first time it had come out of my mouth.

I came closer to her, that scene hitting me again. "But you're the one and only girl that will always have my heart," I told her as I pushed her chin up to look at me.

The way her eyes sparkled forced me make one final attempt to feel the same way she did about me—the same way I wanted to feel about her. I could not return the same love she showed.

Images of me and her in the future…us dancing again the moonlight as we stared lovingly into each other's eyes, us holding hands and watching the sunset or the beach waves, us making love…

I wanted that future just as much as she did, but I would just be living a lie. A lie that I've been living every single day in my life until now. I loved her, but I could never be in love with her.

She lowered her head in defeat and tears rolled down her lovely face as she gently pulled away from my touch. This was a obstacle she could never win, even if I had let her.

I didn't want to hurt her like this anymore, that's a reason why I had told her the secret I've been keeping from everyone my whole life. I no longer wanted to lie to her or my parents or my other friends. Especially myself—I didn't want to lie to myself anymore.

"I don't wanna live a life of lie anymore," I whispered in a broken voice, hoping she'd understand.

After a moment, she nodded and put her warm hands on my face. "I don't want you to either," she finally admitted. "Even if it's killing me. I'll get over it," she promised. "I just want you to be happy."

My heart was aching; I spent years trying to fall in love with any girl, but it was her I've actually wanted to fall in love with. She made it very hard to stop trying. "I mean it when I say you're the only girl that will always have my heart," I assured her.

Her eyes lit up a notch and her arms went around my neck. I breathed a breath of hot air and held her tightly in my arms. Kissing the top of her head, her scent lingered around me. "You're beautiful," I whispered.

My heart was still longing to make her beautiful to me, but I knew I had to go towards the direction that felt right for me.

"How beautiful do I have to be?" she questioned in an almost inaudible voice as if she was reading my thoughts.

I pressed my lips against her forehead and we both knew that was her last try to convince me otherwise. She whispered something into my chest that was muffled. Something along that lines of, "okay, I understand." And that was all I needed from her.

Maybe it was impossible for me be in love with her as she was with me, but we were both sure that I love her beautifully.

Her hand was on my back as we headed back towards my car. She cracked a weak smile at me before shifting those beautiful eyes back up at the night sky.

A/N: I uploaded this awhile ago for a series of one-shots and then deleted it.

Please give me your thoughts. I hope that wasn't confusing. I wrote it about a gay man who came out to his lady friend, but she's still trying to convince him to love her back.

This was inspired and based on a song with the same title by Jay Brannan.