Summary: She's a wealthy widow. He's her late husband's brother-in-arms from The Great War. Can they overcome pain and doubts to trust each other in her final days?
Diary, you have been always my steadfast and faithful companion, the stalwart keeper of my secrets these many years. Tears of joy fill my vision when you remind me of the happy two years I had with Aloysius. You bring me comfort in these so lonely times since he was called back to our Lord. Still, these years of my loneliness are coming to an end. The doctors say I've not long to live, that my lungs are at their last. I will be with my Aloysius soon, and forever. You will be the one to bear this secret, and only you. This will be your last duty.
Goodbye, my friend.
Perhaps there is indeed freedom in death. I ventured beyond Alhambra's walls for the first time since Aloysius was taken from me, but just a few steps. I now care not if they dare accuse me of any ill deed. Let the masses be ignorant. Let them say what they will. You and I both know I didn't marry Aloysius for his money. When I met him in the hospital, I did not know who he was, much less the gulf society expected between us. All I knew was this: he was a kind and gentle man, confident and strong in his quiet way. He was sure enough in himself to allow me to my precious illusion of strength. That was enough, enough for both of us.
I had my first visitor since Aloysius left me, and my social graces showed themselves as atrophied as my innards. Morton Rennet, his name. He and my Aloysius were in the Expeditionary Forces together during the Great War. I nearly needed to be revived when I had to tell him that Aloysius was indeed gone from us. Still, we overcame that moment, and spent the day in celebration of his life, not his death. We talked late, and I had Sinclair appoint the gatehouse with linens for the night.
This morning, he accompanied me on my walk. We spoke more about Aloysius. He knew him before the Great War, when they were at Greenhill School. They seemed such errant lads. It was a side of Aloysius I never knew. Morton is quite a teller of tales. He has been to Africa, Arabia, the Orient, every place Aloysius longed to go had he not been weakened during his service with the AEF. Hearing these stories reminds me of Aloysius so very much.
I forgot how much I loved to laugh.
Doctor Meyer never said I would take leave of my senses during these last months. Yes, Diary, you are still the only one who knows. I know the burden Aloysius' illness put upon me. I wish not to be so a burden to anyone, least of all his friend. I nearly saw the last of Morrie, as he wishes to be called. We were on another of our walks, this time to the landing. I turned my ankle on an errant stone, and, had Morrie not been there, I may very well not be writing these words. Instead, he gallantly carried me back to the main house.
Sinclair gave us such the stare as he treated my limb. Morrie excused himself, saying he saw I was in good care. No sooner had Sinclair immobilized my ankle when I learned of Morrie's departure. I was most surprised at Greta's query if we were expecting more guests. I swear, I never knew Sinclair knew such language when I demanded he escort Morrie back. He must think me both deaf and daft.
I write these words by candlelight, while the thoughts are fresh. I had two nighttime visitors while I was in my bedchambers. Sinclair was first. He never before sought entrance after bidding me good night. He and I had hushed and pointed words about my day. He is of the opinion I am demeaning myself and Aloysius both. To that, I say the Aloysius who joined the AEF would have wanted me to be happy. No sooner had he left than Morrie begged to enter. To my surprise, he was in agreement with Sinclair. His visit was to bid me farewell. I pleaded with him not to go. I was in tears when he finally gave me his word he would not leave in the night.
Then, he kissed me. Oh, Diary, what is becoming me?
I really know not what to do, Diary. I have honored his name these past seventeen years. They have been lonely and they have been trying, but I have done my best to not live down to the wild rumors bandied about. Yes, I was but a nurse. He was my charge, and I cared for him only that he was felled by whatever the noxious cloud in the trenches. We were young; we were far from home; we were scared. I see no sin in those. I didn't know he was a Macallister. I had no want to become a Macallister.
I do not wish to sully his name. The Macallister name is Aloysius' only legacy. My solitary focus since his passing was to ensure it would not slide into ignominy. But how can I deny what I feel inside? This ember I thought long extinguished still glows. Morrie brings forth so many memories of Aloysius. Talking to him drew out feelings I thought were expunged, spent.
To which is my duty, my heart or my name?
Do I tell him? Diary, do I tell him? He should know. He has every right to know, and yet, I have every reason not to tell him. I know full and well that weight of the hourglass, the interminable span just waiting for our Maker to take a loved one. I still recall the helplessness, the feeling of unfairness about the whole span. Most of all, I remember the loneliness. Carrying that terrible burden, all alone.
No, I won't tell him. I cannot do that to him.
I should explain why the dilemma. See, today Morrie shared a secret with me. His visit was not purely social in intent. In his travels, he learned of a technique to prevent polio. He hoped to entreat Aloysius to help him bring this method back to our shores. No, not the journey. He knew Aloysius's condition, though not its severity. He needed investment to effect his goal. All this time, he was uncertain if he should tell me or not. I know not what is best. For this endeavor, Morrie requires $200,000. The monies matter little to me. That sum is substantial, but only a fraction of the Macallister worth.
If I give it to him, I fear he will be on the next ship.
Diary, you do so much for me. I re-read my last entry, and realize the initial question can be something else entirely. I have two confidences I have been keeping from Morrie. The first is Doctor Meyer's diagnosis. The second is that he is reminding me more and more of Aloysius, and more, of the needs I have denied myself since he left me. Do I tell him either?
I have come to a compromise. Aloysius always desired a more substantial legacy than merely the Macallister name on a building at Greenhill School. I will give dear Morrie the funds he needs if he agrees to credit any discoveries to the Macallister name. As for me, Doctor Meyer fears I have little time left. No one would think me greedy if I asked Morrie to tarry a month.
Besides Sinclair, that is, and he can busy himself elsewhere in the main house.
With shaking hand, I pen these words. Morrie simply hugged me, and I cried. I sobbed harder than I ever did since Aloysius' funeral. No, harder than even that. How I needed the human touch. So much the fool was I, to deny myself so basic a need. Dear Morrie is such the godsend. He stayed with me until the hearth was filled with only embers. Throughout, he said nothing, his arm more comforting than any word.
His hug was a gentleman's hug, I think. It was forceful, but then, he has such the force of life in him. I had told him my offer, including the condition he stay a month. I was terrified he'd decline. No, I was terrified he'd simply leave. Instead, he hugged me, and suddenly, I was a little girl once more.
I have only you to tell, dear Diary. I trust no one else with this secret. I have no one else to tell. Dear Morrie hugged me again. This time, he had no cause, but I welcomed it. In his embrace, I also became aware of his ardor, in a most indelicate fashion. I know I should be repulsed. I have searched within myself, and find not one hint of that. Instead, I feel a sense of ...
I am sorry for not writing sooner, my friend. Morrie returned after going to Boston to prepare for his journey. I understand the necessity of such, but that did little to still my tears seeing him walk up road. Without him, my days drew long, my nights endless. Many nights have I watched the gatehouse. I would watch until he doused his light. This past week seemed as if I were again on a foreign land without his beacon by the wall.
But now, he's back. I feel anchored once more.
Dear Diary, you make me smile again. I re-read my last entry and cannot help but think of how differently the night passed than what I expected. Morrie again sought entrance to my bedchambers. We talked in hushed tones, and then we stole outside for a moonlit stroll. Somehow, we found ourselves at the gatehouse. Equally somehow, we found our way in. The details after that I fear I must keep even from you, my most trusted confidant. Suffice it to say, I shall soon retire for an noontime nap, my first in many years.
I never knew how much of myself I was denying. I think I have always an aptitude for it. When first I saw Aloysius in my ward, I kept repeating "He is just another patient." I kept saying that until he proposed to me, I think. I suppose it only fitting that, seeing as I denied myself my true feelings when I met him, I also denied myself my true feelings when I lost him. For so long, for so deep, I have buried my own needs, my own truths.
I suppose I was to have faced my accounting sooner or later. Sinclair took advantage of Morrie's absence to confront me about my actions. I replied that he was the only one privy to these facts, and, if he maintained his confidence, none would be the wiser. I was not able to continue with him overly long. My lungs are tiring, just as Doctor Meyer predicted. I hope he did not take my silence as acquiescence. If so, he will have a most unpleasant surprise.
Men are trouble incarnate! Damn them all! Damn them both! I don't know with whom I am more furious. Sinclair, for prying, or Morrie, for lying. I hate them both. Why couldn't Sinclair leave my last days alone? No, Diary, he doesn't know. I'm sure he suspects something, but I've not told either of them. Would he have acted differently if he had? I don't know. I was shocked beyond words when he presented his hired investigator who asserted Morrie was in a Boston common house all yesterday, not conducting preparations as he claimed. His was all a tale to defraud Aloysius of the monies, nothing more.
I've been such a fool.
Thank you for being by my side these many years, Diary. This will indeed be my final entry. I prevailed upon Doctor Meyer to ease my passage into the next world and will start my journey at the end of this entry. I have left stipends for Sinclair, Greta and Mabel, and the rest of Alhambra will go to Greenhill, as Aloysius would have wanted. The $200,000 can go to blazes. You, Diary, I have instructed Sinclair to dispose of as he best sees fit at week's end. I suppose I will now see if Aloysius will still have me.
May 1, 1937
I don't know what caused your stuffy butler to give me this journal, but I'm glad he did. He nearly missed me, too. Another hour, and the ship would have left. I finally understand why you left me, though what possessed him to have me followed is still a mystery. I nearly canceled my trip when I heard you had passed away. Then, I remembered my promise to you, to bring this treatment back in Al's name.
I'll do it in both your names.