it's your voice, that i hear...from near, or far..
it always reaches me. from where you are...
and, i wish i could say, just exactly how i feel,
but my guard slips whenever i'm around you,
and i fail,


to show what i want to say.
and i slip,


and say something easy, something cute. something i know will make you just
and, i don't want that anymore, i don't want easy, or cute, or free.

i want you.

i want all of you, but i know, i'll never get close to that, if i don't start with myself. you can love so hard, and the fact the i can't give you just a fraction of the hardest part of me, when i want to. when i want to, so, so bad, it's not.. it can't be like this anymore.

i'm tired of keeping it light, running away in the slightest chance of commitment, and i'm tired of never being able to keep my word, when it concerns how i feel, and i'm tired of. not being with you.

is how i've gotten so far. or receded backwards, some could say at a certain point. you say something, and i just forget what i should've saidmustnothavebeentooimportantbutitis and just enjoy talking to you. hearing your thoughts. and i think, you are amazing. and i think, this is perfect. but then the night falls, and we're preparing to say our good byes and i begin to comphrehend i should say it right now, right now, and you look at me with those soft eyes, and you give me a kiss good night, and then i'm and walking home and preparing for the bed i never sleep in, and i realize exactly how far apart we are, how near we could be.

and. it's so stupid. i don't understand. i see your smile, and i see you tilt you head towards me, and i want to be able to look at something, on your nightstand, and see it for what it was, what it means to you. i want to smile in your eyes, and have you know that, this smile, right here, it's not of mine. it's of your possesion. i want to see myself in your eyes, and not be coward. i want you to know exactly who i am, for you.

so, it would seem, i could just spit out. bu t then, then what could i possibly say in a mere second? i love you? god. never, am i saying that to you. i've said it too many times in meaningless ways, that's never the the impression i wanted to give you.

i can see it in you eyes. i see how they light up, with hope, maybe a little excitement, maybe .. expectance, when i open my mouth to finally tell you, but then i save myself, and sell a line for that particular moment, so typical of myself, it could make me puke. and then, you turn your head for a slight moment, to recompose yourself.

to recompose yourself.
to recompose yourself.
[i'm sorry.]


nov. 17 '09