Why does it hurt so bad

To lose something I never had?

To have these feelings and nothing to do

Just sit around and wait for you

--

Why is it so hard to move on?

Knowing that what we had has come and gone

Is there a place where happiness is?

Like the type we had when we were kids

--

In my soul when you're around

Your name is that one beautiful sound

Now all I can do is walk and wonder

I lost it all in one stupid blunder

--

By telling you what I thought was right

I lose everything, and cause both of us strife

Now I know the nature of my errors

I just wish I could get rid of my cares

--

Yet now my heart won't let me go

Every time I try, it fights back screaming ''No, No, No''

Why does everything feel so wrong?

Where is the love that bound so strong?

--

I must move on to a new life, I'm told

Leaving behind my feelings, to not hold

I am only human and I am weak

But for you I would fight until defeat

--

I would do anything to repent the day

When you stumbled upon my careless ways

Now I have to deal with everything

When in reality I am left with nothing

--

I know you're never coming back, why would you?

Who would want this, who would want too.

You left, you walked away

And even now, I miss you more since that day

--

And then there is that other

Who is trapped in between and now hovers

I don't know what to do anymore

I want to be fair, but I cant close the door

--

Why can't I let myself, smile and wave?

Why do I have to do this, to flee and crave?

Why do I have to hurt, her innocence endearing

Why can't I let her in, she could help my healing

--

But am I really healing? Or is that a lie?

Another thing I've told myself, so I can fake a smile?

God I'm such a mess, if only, if only,

If only I had thought, then maybe my heart wouldn't be this lonely

--

I can't do that to her

To use her like that other

I refuse to be that one more person

So I need to fix myself, to find that passion

--

I won't use her like a rebound

I wont cheat on everyone around

If anything is going to happen, its going to be because I did it myself

And if that time comes, I hope I haven't lost sight of everyone else

--

It's because I care,

That's makes me want to be fair

I'm sorry for doing this, I'm only trying to protect you

If I'm going to be anything, I'm going to be true

--

I feel so pathetic, I'm disgusted

Disgusted with myself, for breaking so many who trusted

What am I doing? How did I get here?

Am I really fighting? Or am I hiding in fear?

--

Our time was short, but it felt like forever

I wish I could go back, when we were together

Is optimism real? Or is it an Illusion?

I don't know anything anymore, I'm lost in my own confusion

--

The nights I used to adore

Are no happy nights, no more

I stand and stare, outside this window

Am I ever going to move? Am I ever going to know?

--

I wish for one more chance

I wish for one last dance

I wish I could have soothed your fears

I wish I could be beside you, not far, but near

--

I'm sorry for causing you pain

I wish I could kiss you in the rain

I'm more sorry than you can imagine

I wish I could just see you grin

--

''Is is cheating to be in love with one person, your heart imprinted with their name, and yet be with someone else?''

For me it is.

It's cheating on you.

It's cheating on me.

It's cheating on her.

And I wont do that. You already believe whole heartedly that I've done it once, and that breaks my heart.

I'm not going to do it again.

Never again.

--

I'm sorry for letting things blow up in our faces

I'm sorry for letting you walk away without a trace.

I wish I could reverse everything I've done

I wish you would just come back home.


I've never been a very subtle person, have I?

I wrote this in desperation to vent out all my emotion/feeling. Haha wow, it's almost like my thought process at that time.

*sigh* I wish a lot of things.

And the fact that i acknowledge that it was my fault?

...

I love you.

And for you, if you're reading this?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But i refuse to be another one of them. I won't do that to you.

I can't.

Sam xx