I've never hated before.
I've been annoyed, I've disliked, I've been angry. But I've never hated.
I hate now.
It's not the burning fire inside that you read about in books. No, it's the opposite. It's cold. It's hard. It's empty. But it's not dull.
I hate you now.
I hate what you say, what you do. I hate the way your eyes glaze over when you refuse to see what's in front of you. I hate the smile that adorns your face to most of the world. I hate the pretty words that come out of your mouth, but I hate the truth that graces your lips as well.
I hate your stubbornness. I hate that you refuse to change, that you refuse to be happy.
I hate that you've somehow kept me believing you, trusting you, hoping naively that one day things will get better for you. I hate that I wasted that time being your ear to cry on, the caterer to your needs. I hate that it always seemed like you cared about me too.
I hate that you won't see how beautiful you are. I hate how paranoid you are that anyone you trust will shatter your heart. I hate that you refuse to trust anyone.
I hate you. I don't know who you are. You're a stranger. But I know what you've done.
You've killed my best friend.
You slaughtered her.
I loved her, and you took her away.
I don't know who you are, but you're not her. You never will be her. You might walk the walk and talk the talk, but you're not her. You killed her.
I can never forgive you for that.
She had taught me so much about myself. She taught me what it's like to be happy. She taught me how to care so unconditionally for something. She taught me to laugh out loud and to appreciate the little things in life. She taught me how to listen. She taught me that it's okay to cry, that it's okay to not be strong. She taught me how to love myself.
You've taught me the best way to cry quietly, and how to hide scars. You've taught me that hurt should be avoided at all costs, and that putting up walls is the only solution. You've taught me that trust is impossible and happiness is unattainable. You've taught me about loss. You've taught me how to feel pain.
You've taught me how to hate.
So I'm going to take everything I've learned. I know how happy people act, thanks to her. I'm going to put up those walls like you've told me to. I'm going to shut people out, and I'm going to hurt. And I'm going to love a little louder, and smile a little wider, to cover my tracks.
And I'm going to hate.