Scrawlings of the Gods

Gospel According to Jesus: Junkie Jesus' Drug Diary

-Dad impregnated a virgin with himself, making me. Even though I'm supposed to be him. Damn, so I got my mother pregnant with myself? Damn, that sort of inbreeding would make both rednecks and masturbators jealous (with apologies to Onan).

-Three wise men came to my birthday with frankincense, gold, and myrrah. Cheap bastards. Too bad MP3 players and videogame consoles are a few thousand years off. You just HAD to send me to this Iron Age shit hole in the middle of nowhere, Dad. Thanks a lot.

-Met a bunch of Jewish elders in the temple today. They were surprised when I told them how much of an asshole Dad really was. Stepdad and Mom found me before I could start using profanity, though. The best way to say Dad's name is with a four letter dirty word following it.

-Come to think of it, Step-Dad is much nicer than my biological Dad. "Real" Dad's an egomaniac asshole who wants me to die so He can use my name to start wars. I bet He enjoys that sort of thing.

-One of the few perks about being the Son of God is I can make whatever I want. Walked across a pond last night, turned it to wine, and drank it all down. While drunk, I put a few tobacco leaves in some Egyptian tombs. I love messing with the future's archaeologists.

-Hmm. Since I turned water into wine, what other drugs can I whip up? Not like Yahweh Dad cares, since I'm going to get it anyway. Let's try mixing stuff together. How screwed up is Dad, anyway? He wants me to die after impregnating Mom with me. Since I won't be back much until the Second Coming or so, might as well get baked, stoned, high, drunk, and every other drug related adjective under the sun.

-Dad knows about my drug use. The only restriction? Not getting laid. So I've got to die a virgin too? Oh, well. That's why we've got blow-jobs, anal, and whatever other stuff I can come up with. Got a few fellow junkies with me. Yeah, these are definitely my Apostles.

-Thinking about carpentry school. Mary Magdalene says I should go for a degree, so we can both move to France. Yeah fucking right. I'm going to Hawaii. Or I would, but I came a few thousand years too early. I need some weed, Dad-dammit.

-Judas is really hitting the opium hard. I've had ten times as much as he does, sure, but I can take it since I'm effectively immortal until I get nailed. He's just desperate to be like me. What's the price of that much opium, anyway? Thirty pieces of silver. Talk about a rip off. I don't want him to become too addicted to the stuff.

-Took some more skunk today. Damn, that batch I whipped up is strong. Must've thrown some peyote in there. Looks like John took a harder hit of it than normal. Told him to write a journal of his drug hallucinations. I think he calls it "Book of Revelation."

-They totally misquoted me on that "Let he who was without sin cast the first stone." bit. I meant "He who was without sin should get stoned." Damn, is there anything I can say that Dad won't turn to his own advantage?

-Time of death approaching too soon. I'm a thirty-three year old man still living with his parents and wandering around. Damn, and I still haven't gotten laid! Screw Dad's rules.

-Knocked up some harlot because my "condom" slipped. (That's what you get for using sheep bladders.) The house she was in was hit by a lightning bolt on a cloudless day, caught on fire, and collapsed, killing everyone inside it. Dad hates abortion, but killing pregnant women and everyone who happens to be around them is fine by him. Damn. What a douche bag. He promised me a 'talking to' once I go back to my "real home" up in Heaven.

-I decided to have one last party with my Apostles. I made a whole bunch of booze and drugs. I think I said "Eat me" to them in a sarcastic voice. Hate to see how they'll misinterpret that.

-Damn, I knew Judas was hitting the opium hard, but this just takes the cake. He sold me out for thirty pieces of silver to buy more opium. And to think he could have asked for at least forty pieces! What a cheap ass.

-Here comes the nailing. Ouch, fuck, this hurts! Dad, when I get up there, I'm going kill you.

-Dad made me bail out Adam and Eve and some other folks from Hell. Dad's Satan's boss, anyway. Can't He just ask Old Satan to do it? His Holy Ass is just doing it to piss me off more. At least it's not New Jersey.

-I knew it. When I finally met Dad in Heaven, I caught Him masturbating to a photo album of wars, genocide, and plagues He had unleashed in His name. I knew that sick bastard got off on this stuff, but Dad-dammit, this is just wrong. Even by His standards!

-So, Dad says to me that He never really intended to save anyone through my death. Since such a microscopic percentage of all the humans that ever lived would get "my" message, He'd send most of humanity to Hell anyway. Why, I asked? Because people screaming in agony gives Him a huge boner. Damn, Dad really needs to get laid. He's so repressive (and oppressive) with it, and wouldn't even do the dead with Mom. I'm just going to sit in my room and get baked.

-Thor challenged me to a duel. Anything to get me out of the drugs. Next thing I know, he's using that damn hammer of his to to hang me up on another cross. I recovered three days later, but at least it pissed Dad off. I think it's more just He enjoys looking for any excuse to lash out at someone different. He really needs anger management. I wonder what Freud what say about him?

-Oh, Dad-dammit. My worst nightmares came true. At first, I thought I should be happy Dad was covertly getting laid. I might have a half brother or sister. But when I saw with who, or more precisely, what Dad was bonking, I lost my lunch. Dad, what the hell are you doing with Shub-Niggurath and Cthulhu? I'm going to be sick. Damn you Dad, damn you.