I fucked up. I fucked up bad.

It's been two days. There hasn't been a text or a call. Considering the fact that we've been texting nonstop for the past few weeks, it's strange. It was just a spontaneous hello to you and we just clicked. We started talking. You and I got so close in such a short time and you molded yourself into my heart. Without you here talking to me, it feels like something is missing. So I wrote you letters, starting from day one, not that I'll send them, but because I feel empty.

Dear you,

I'm so sorry. I completely messed up, didn't I? Well, I did, and I know it, you know it; there's no saying that I didn't. I shouldn't have said all that, even if I was having a bad day. I have absolutely no idea what you're going through. I was just being selfish, stupid, and completely insensitive. Normally, I would know what the other person's going through and I could relate, but with you, I couldn't. It was too much for me. I didn't really think that these things could happen, especially to my friends of all people. I thought that hiding was horrible, even though I put on a mask all the time. I thought that maybe you could've possibly been lying and all that pain you told me you felt was untrue. I didn't want you to be in pain. I just wanted to help, but apparently, I didn't sound like it. We were doing so well, trusting each other and all. You thought that I could be the one you could turn to, but I guess I just turned out like all the rest.

With love,
me.

Today is the fourth day we've stopped talking. I've sent texts like a lovesick puppy, apologizing, but no response comes. Perhaps, he thinks I'm not sincere. I wish I could go visit you, but your school is too far from mine. I know that you're probably smiling right now, laughing with all our friends. You've known my best friends longer than you've known me, yet you trusted me. Me.

Dear you,

Do you feel that emptiness inside of you, or is it just me? Maybe I just get attached to quickly. You were like my brother, and I was one of your best friends. How could we be ruined so fast by something stupid that came out of my mouth? I know it was completely my fault, but you think that it was your fault that you told me what was under that happy face of yours. I wanted to know, remember? So this was all on me… not you. All I wanted to do was find a way to help, because I'm just one of those people who help others when they're feeling down, even though half the time, I don't know what I should do. But you thought you were hurting me, making me depressed. Well, I was already in that state of mind before you came along. So why are you blaming yourself, then shutting me out?

With love,
me.

It's been a week. I hope you haven't lost hope yet. You've told me countless times about how you just wanted to die. How you just wanted to disappear because no one would even care. I hope you're alright, and that you're holding together. Things haven't gotten that bad, have they?

Dear you,

How are you? I hope that life is as it was before I came along. That way, you don't have anything to worry about. I know depression can get bad, but I hope you don't get that far. You always told me that I wouldn't care, that if you were gone, I'd care for a little while, and then forget later. I always denied it, but I've been thinking. If I were to suddenly go, who would care? I know people would care for a while, but they'd just eventually forget about me, because I'm just a small fragment of their past. Now, I know what you were thinking when you told me that. Please, don't go back to drinking and drugs. It may feel good right now, but it'll hurt a lot more later. Don't do it just to forget, because it'll all come back later anyway. Do you even care? About anything? About me? Would it have mattered if we met or not, because I'm starting to think I was just a little part of your life that was supposed to make you see hope and the bright side of things? But I guess I didn't do a very good job, because it seems to me that everything is crashing down again. It is on my side. I hope you're faring better than I am.

With love,
me.

Are you that angry and frustrated at me that you won't speak to me? It's been nine days. You must be doing okay then, because you don't need me to rant to anymore. You talk to me as if you were alone in this world. I know you have people to talk to and friends to hang out with. I know you aren't alone, physically at least. But mentally, I don't know. You told me that you've told other people about your problems. And I fit into that group of other people. I didn't do anything extraordinary to you or your life. I didn't make a difference. I couldn't make a difference, even if I wanted to.

Dear you,

I feel like shit. Ever since we stopped talking after that one crappy day, it's been a line of days ranging from horrible to just plain shitty. It's like nothing can make me smile these days. Not even when we won the game against the League Champions. Even that didn't make me smile, for real, at least. Of course I put on fake smiles. Only you know that there's something wrong with me. Are you afraid that I'd tell your secrets? Because I keep my promises, no matter how bad the relationship between me and the person are. I feel that these letters are pointless. I don't think you'll ever get them, and I'll probably throw them away eventually. So what's the point? I wish I could tell you this, but I just don't have the time or energy to run to your school after mine ends. And I don't know where you live, so I can't just show up spontaneously. What happened to us? Why can't we just go back to when we were such good friends? You know you can make me smile, with your cute comments and flirtatious attitude. I don't think I'm as good as acting as you are. I never thought you were so broken inside. I have bad days, where I can't tell if I'm acting or not, but no one has questioned me. Maybe we are good actors. How can someone look so complete on the outside even when they're completely breaking down?

With love,
me.

It's been two weeks, fourteen days. Today, I found out that you were gone. I've been just staring aimlessly into the distance the entire day. But I found out that you were in a car accident. The slippery roads caused it, and that stupid driver who was going 65 mph in a school zone. So what am I supposed to do now? You're gone. At first, when I heard you were gone, I thought it was my fault because maybe I caused it. I thought that I could've made a difference but I ended up making it worse. It makes me feel a little better, knowing I wasn't the cause, but the fact that you're gone hurts ten times worse. Then I came home and found a letter in the mailbox addressed to me, with no return address. I opened it, and it turns out it was from you.

Dear Kaylie,

We haven't spoken in so long. I know you think this is your fault, but I promise it's not. It's mine. You've given me so much to think about, and you've given me hope. That's a big one. I guess, before we started talking, we kind of knew each other because of our mutual friends, but we didn't really know each other. Then we started talking, and I loved it so much, because you made it so easy for me to smile. I loved how you would just listen to me rant about depressing things, even though I knew you didn't like it. You understood me.

Today is the thirteenth day we haven't talked, I believe. And I know you love this number, for God knows what reason why. So I figured that I've thought enough and that we should just hang out some time. The last time we hung out, I had so much fun, more fun than I've had with my friends that I've known for years. You're like the light I've been waiting for in this darkness. Does that sound cheesy to you? Because it does to me… oh well.

Anyway, I'm so sorry about making you worry, if I did. And thank you. Thank you for being here for me all this time. I still have those thoughts, but I figured that if you're here with me, why should I worry about anything bad happening? I have a present for you. I was thinking about giving it to you when we see each other next time, but since you have finals soon, I think that it'll be too long. So it's in the bottom of this envelope. I had it personalized for you, because I thought it would make it more special. See you soon!

With love,
Tyler.

And at the bottom I found a spinner ring on a long necklace chain. The ring said "Faith, Hope, Love" on the spinner part and on the inside, you wrote such a simple message that made me break.

Thanks for life, Kaylie. I love you.