Jealousy

I wonder if I'm being weak
But I'm glad that you seem not to see
Deep within my dark green streak...
My strong sense of jealousy.

The passion that you show
For things that are not me
Makes the emerald monster grow
I try hard not to let you see.

But I fear my grip has grown tired
And I worry that your eyes will open
Seeing all the selfish things I've desired
And all my feelings gone unspoken.

I hide in the corners when you go away
And stab myself with all these blades
Making sure inside my jealousy will stay
Hoping to God that I can make the grade

That you'll never know just how I feel
How self-absorbed I really can be
I carve the secrets I try to conceal
And hope the pain will set me free.

But the pain never seems to leave my side
It's always driving needles in my soul
With every ounce of jealousy I dare not confide
Into my heart I tear out another hole.

I watch you from my dark point of existence
My head tilted to the side as you thrive
Tears running down my face at a distance
Because I feel as if I can barely survive

Without the time and attention from you I crave.
God, how I wish I could be your only thing...
But I keep this secret to myself so I can save
You from the misery that my jealousy'd bring.

And when you go away again like I know you will
I'll find myself sinking back into dark recesses
With more little razors in an effort to distill
The pain I feel because I am obsessive.

And hopefully you'll never see just all
The effort I go through to rehearse these lines
When you come back and for me you call
And I smile at you and say that I'm fine...

Because half the time, I admit that I'm not.
I plaster on makeup and wear a painted smile
Hoping that maybe with time my pain be forgot...
I guess I'm attached to a faker's style.

I'll put on long sleeves to cover the tries
So you can't see where all I've bled
I'll clear up my eyes so you don't see the cries
And I'll simply smile instead.

I'll hide all the daggers and all of the blades
That have carved confessions in my arms
And I'll even throw open the dusty old shades
Of my mind to conceal my self-harm.

Please know that the owner of your heart
Is full of lies that you will never see
That when you cut me open and tear me apart
My blood bleeds out a dark jade green.

I know that all my problems rest in me
And I'll never force on you the blame
I hate it that I'm so full of jealousy
Of the one whose heart beats as mine the same.