Vampires? Those guys are suckers!


Have you ever heard of vampires?

Of course you have, I mean, who out there haven't? It's like they're everywhere these days: movies, books, cartoons. Beings that must suck human blood in order to survive, creatures that will perish under the sunlight and who can turn themselves into mist or animals – usually bats.

Ridiculous stories. There's no way something like that can exist, sure there exists creatures who will turn to ashes if exposed to direct sunlight, and there exists monsters who can turn themselves into mist or animals at will. But – other than mosquitoes and maybe a few species of bat, and they don't care who's blood it is – there exists no creature that would actually need to drink human blood in order to survive.

Besides, human blood probably has a higher chance of giving it's drinker diarrhea than eternal life.

That's why vampires are ridiculous.

By now I guess you're wondering who I am, either that or what the other creatures I've mentioned might be. Well to make a long story short, I guess you could call me a demon of sorts. No, I don't live in hell, I might have family down there though. I wouldn't know since I try to keep myself separated from all this religion Mumbo Jumbo.

Crosses don't really do anything against us, unless you hit us in the head with it – some of those things tend to be really heavy, you know.

Anyway, I'm currently located on a park bench. Not the best place to be at, in the middle of the night perhaps, but it's kind of comfy.

I can smell a lot of things, the word 'things' do seem appropriate for where the smells originate from, nasty little buggers. I did say that there is no creature that feed exclusively on human blood right? Well, although that is true, it should be noted that there are things that feed exclusively on humans.

I think that humans would call these types of creatures for demons. I on the other hand is a self-proclaimed demon, in the simple context as in 'not human' and, since it's a pain in the ass to come up with names for every single creature that fulfills that criteria, I just call the whole lot of us 'demons'.

There are a lot of them out hunting tonight if my nose is anything to go by. It's not really that surprising, it's a big city, there should be lots of them hanging around. The thing that surprise me though, is the fact that not a single one of them, seems to be worth eating.

"Figures, the tasty ones are always the first to go," I sigh as I look up at the star sprinkled summer night sky. Don't ask me how a summer night sky manages to be sprinkled with stars in the middle of a city, I'm not an astrologer.

As you might have guessed, I eat demons. I don't really need to eat them in order to survive, I could probably survive for a couple of hundred years on nothing but deep-fried chicken, I just think that I should have a varied diet – mostly because I was running low on cash – so I started to eat demons, specifically those that feed on humans. It's not something like me disliking what it is that they do with the humans – there are those kinds of guys too I guess, but I'm not one of them. The reason is simply that I think that it's a great way to pass the time.

I've lived for a very long time and somewhere along the way I began to eat demons as a way to make the meals a little more interesting – and kinder towards my wallet. However, it should be noted that I only eat demons that smell tasty, so I guess I'm going to eat deep-fried chicken tonight. This is not really good news, I've really started to run short on funds lately, but at least I'll get to eat something tasty.

I sigh again as I slowly get up from the bench that I've been sitting on for the last few hours. Stretching I see a young woman walking by the street lights some distance away, I can't see her face from here – it's because she's looking the other way, I've got superb eyesight.

Should I, or should I not? Maybe I should flip a coin. Said and done, and it's in favor of 'should', so lets go.

Walking up to the young woman, who seems to be wandering around aimlessly, I can't help but wonder why exactly she's out here.

"I'm curious, would you mind telling me why you're wandering around aimlessly in the middle of the night?" the woman stares at me from a safe distance – by human standards at least – before replying with a slight tone of amusement.

"I'm looking for a vampire," I blink, stunned beyond words by her bluntness, "You wouldn't happen to be one would you?"

"No, I'm not a vampire," I do however fall into the category in which you placed this ridiculous creature. The woman looks a bit disappointed, so I continue with another question, "So, why are you looking for a vampire?"

"Since I don't like sunlight and blood fascinates me, I figured that it'd be nice to turn into one," she states her intent without blinking.

Are all humans really this stupid? Do they really come out into the park in the middle of the night, just for the odd chance that they might get attacked by something like a vampire and get to start a new life? I mean, this one doesn't even look suicidal.

"Why do you believe in vampires?" I ask her a question I didn't expect to.

"I just like the idea that's all, there's no real reason for me believing in them. How about you, do you believe?"

"Not a chance in hell," she looks at me with disapproving eyes, "Do you want some chicken?" I point towards the place that I was planning on heading to before I saw her.

"Chicken?" she looks in the direction I indicated, "Why are you suddenly inviting me to eat chicken?" she looks mildly curious.

"Because you humans taste like piss," she tilts her head as she looks at me, clearly confused.

"But you just said that you weren't a vampire, so wh-…?"

"I'm not a vampire, something like that doesn't exist. However, it should be noted that there're demons in this world that eat exclusively humans, but since none of them look very appetizing tonight I was planning to go eat some deep-fried chicken," she looks at me with a stunned expression, "So, care to join me?"

She nods weakly, following me as I set off towards our newly decided destination.

Walking through the street lighted night, there isn't much to talk about. However, we did do our best to introduce ourselves to each other, meaning that I now know that her name is none of my business but that I may call her 'Alice', whether this is her real name, a nickname or something she made up on the spot, I don't know. But it makes conversations easier.

It should be noted that, although I'm able to find the company of a human somewhat entertaining, humans just like any other creature in this world, matters to me about as much as the insects we trample underfoot as we walk. They might be somewhat fascinating as a whole, but they don't really hold any specific value.

As I hold open the door to the diner so that she may enter she gives the very well used reply:

"And they say chivalry is dead," smiling as she enters.

"Well, I never claimed to be alive did I?" my response gives her a bit of a start, apparently she wasn't expecting it.

After ordering a lot of deep-fried chicken – told you I was hungry – we find a table next to the window.

"Do you have anything special to talk about? Or any questions you want answered?" I look at her absentmindedly as I begin to devour the ordered deep-fried chicken – it tasted heavenly.

"Hmm," she looks like she's thinking this one through, "What exactly are these demons that you mentioned before?"

"Nonhumans. I guess they'd fall into pretty much the same category as vampires, if such a thing actually existed."

"What did you mean when you said that they didn't look very appetizing tonight?" she looks at me curiously.

"Well, I get hungry easily, I usually tend to eat a few of them each month. Does that answer your question?"


"Pastime," she blinks, obviously surprised by my blunt answer.

"So, what exactly are you?"

"It'd be hard to describe, can't I simply be called a 'nonhuman' or a 'demon' until further notice?" she grudgingly accepts, although she's most definitely pouting.

I'm still not quite sure how or why – I guess I'm just too easily bored to care much – but somehow Alice decided to follow me. I think it might've something to do with it being fun… I was eating chicken at the time and it was very tasty, so I didn't pay too much attention to what she was saying.

I wonder how this is going to work out anyway? I mean, suddenly I've gained a stalker? Or is that too strong a word for someone like her? Oh well, I guess I'll just call her my new 'sidekick' since she's basically useless, but won't stop following me around.

Of course, any person who wouldn't take advantage of having gained a sidekick are useless people that should be dragged out into the street and shot. Okay maybe that does sound a bit harsh, let's settle for simply leaving them there and ignore them for the rest of their miserable lives.

Needless to say, since I don't have an actual roof over my head, I'm going to make use of this new sidekick of mine. Free-loading is something that's severely underrated.

"You wouldn't happen to have a home to go back to would you?"

"No," I blink at her calm response, "I got evicted since I couldn't pay the rent on time."

"I… see…" she really is useless after all, "Then do you have anywhere to spend the night?"

"No," it doesn't seem like she's too bothered by this as she is looking quite content with the world.

"So you've got nothing?" I do try to keep myself reasonably calm despite a sudden urge to start screaming at the heavens – I don't expect them to answer me back, but it's kind of a relieving thing to do.

"Nothing but the clothes that I'm wearing," she actually sounds quite pleased with herself.

"Is that really something to be proud about?"

"Well they are pretty awesome clothes," she does a little twirl in order to emphasize her point.

"Unfortunately, I'm unable to perceive their greatness," I've found that the best way to make sarcasm is by pouring it into a kettle, along with some carrots, put in just a pinch of mayonnaise, a few handfuls of salt, so as to really bring forth the flavor, and then you should let it simmer for a few hours, and in the end it should to be served along with salad, since people should eat healthier food.

"Well, I guess you wouldn't understand since you're not wearing them," she smiles happily, and then proceeds to tell me exactly why, "The reason that they're so awesome, is because, no matter how many times you wash them, they will always smell of garlic. Isn't that just amazing?"

I'm seriously doubting this girl's sanity right now. She searches the streets at night looking for vampires, overlooking the fact that such a creature cannot exist, she dresses in clothes stinking of garlic, which is best known for how hated it is by vampires. Meaning that, even if she were to find a vampire, he'd run at first whiff, unable to stand the smell of garlic that emanates from her.



"What do you know about vampires?"

"They're really cool looking, they drink people's blood, they don't get along with werewolves, they have really amazing abilities, they can't stand the sunlight… Is there something that I've missed?"

"They hate garlic?"

"There's no way that's possible, no-one could dislike garlic," she looks at me as if I'm somehow retarded.

I'm getting a bit of a headache right now, I think I should just ignore this weird girl and her weird interests before I go insane.

"So, where are we going?"

"Hell if I know, it's not like I've got any place to sleep," she looks at me somewhat surprised.

"I thought you people were all rich?"

"That's stupid, how the hell are we supposed to pull off something like that?"

"Well, you live for really long right? You could invest in stuff."

"I've never been very good with stuff like that, I've never had much of a business sense. In fact, I've lived most of my life pretty much starving, I think that might have played an important role in me starting to eat demons."

"Really? That must be really depressing…"

"You get used to it, besides, nowadays it's not too hard to get enough money to eat deep-fried chicken, so I'm fine with it."

"You really like deep-fried chicken don't you?"

"I once built a shrine outside the house of the guy who invented them. It wasn't nearly as bad in jail as they make it sound you know, but they kicked me out after I chewed off the bars when I got bored one day. Said they didn't want some crazy demon in there, damn discrimination."

"You chewed off the bars? You must have really strong teeth," she looks a bit amazed by the story.

"Are you sure that you've got nowhere to sleep?" I look at her with as much of a pleading puppy-eye look that I can muster.

"Nope, I've got nothing," still smiling happily whilst saying that. I sigh.

I hate my life. Or is it her life that I can't stand? That might actually be a possibility, since she's really getting on my nerves.

Walking through the park I do my best to ignore her presence following behind me.

"Oh! Look! A teddy bear!" failing at this remarkably soon, I turn towards where the strange girl is pointing, and is somewhat surprised to see that there really is a teddy bear looking creature standing in the middle of the road.

"Who are you calling a teddy bear you damn brat!?"

It seems like we've found a demon. A demon that looks a lot like a teddy bear, he doesn't really smell delicious, but it isn't revolting either. I think he's edible.

"You can talk? What's your name teddy?"

"My name?" he looks sort of angry, "I'm Gregory von Eichelberger, who're you?"

"I'm Alice! But that's a really long name, how do you remember it?"

This is the first time I've ever seen something that seems so much like a confused teddy bear, it's kind of disturbing actually.

"It's my name, of course I'd remember it."

"Really?" she looks like she's trying to picture it, but she seems to be failing.

"Do you have a house?" I cut in before Alice makes all of this even more confusing.

"Of course I've got a house," the little thingy looks offended, "What's it to you?"

"I see, then we'll be living with you from now on."

"Really? We get to live with the teddy bear? That's wonderful Mr. teddy bear," the garlic smelling girl seems to be absolutely ecstatic at the prospect.

"What the hell are you talking about!? Why should I let you!?"

"You don't smell delicious and I'm not particularly hungry right now, but I'm willing to make an exception for a nighttime snack," I smile at the potential food in front of me, "However, it'd be a little dumb to eat the one who pays the bills, wouldn't it? Food?" given the amount of terror coming from the little demon, I guess he understood the meaning behind it.

Obey, or get eaten.

"This way…" he takes off in a direction, somewhat wobbly on his feet. I guess the stress is getting to him.

Arriving at the house where we'll be spending the night I realize that the fluffy-looking little thing seems to be good with money. Alice is jumping up and down, giving of squeals of what I presume is happiness.

"Well," I look at the house in front of me and a smile slowly makes it's way to my lips, "Since there doesn't seem to be any problems here, I will hereby classify you as 'Emergency Food', be proud of your new name Food."

Food looks at me as if I'm crazy.

"What the hell's that supposed to mean!? Why the hell am I named 'food'!?"

"Because it describes you perfectly. Besides, your other name is a pain in the ass to remember," I walk by the fuming little demon as I make my way to explore our new house. Alice is already inside, having ignored our conversation completely.

The house was just as big as it looked from the outside. There was a lot of things that looked very expensive, like: paintings, chandeliers, statues and even the carpets covering the floor. Truly, it was a good day to be alive.

So, after challenging Alice to a race in exploring the place that were, from now on, to be our home, we decided to go to bed. Food was actually one of the mayor voters for this one, since he was very close to having a nervous breakdown after only a few hours into our exploration game.

Of course, normally you might be worried about being killed in your sleep by this new slave, but it should be noted that when I say that I could probably kill someone in my sleep, I'm serious about it. I realized this after I bit off a guy's arm because I was dreaming of deep-fried chicken, it was a nasty wake up to say the least.

He didn't taste anything like it.