Chapter two: Hitori, a sanguine lad.
'I wish for a good health and life.'
I am Hitori, but Sebastian addresses me Hitori-sama. However, I really dislike it. I don't want them to put –sama at the end of my magnificent name. Hitori itself will do just fine. Though I understand the circumstances as to why they should, just like Sebastian, my father will fire him if he addresses me in an impolite way, or whatever. In Sebastian's perspective, he calls me –sama because he respects me as much as he respects my father, not only because he was forced to do so. Here in my mother's country, everyone addresses me in that way.
However, in London –sama is not the word, it's Young Master Louie. To put it in a more understandable way, my real name is Hitori Sakamoto—English noble's illegitimate son. Louie is just my false English name, and it was my father who gave me that. My mother is a mistress. A lovely Japanese woman who suffers from a great depression that resulted to her incurable illness, she is bedridden until now.
My mother is just one of my father's mistresses, he has so many, and in fact, he has a mistress all over the world. Nevertheless, my ridiculous father often tells me that it's my mother alone he has fallen in love with. It was her that he took seriously, that's why I was born. Among his mistresses, it was her he chose to be a mother of his son, but more precisely, his illegitimate son.
He has a wife, an Englishwoman as well. Actually, he has many daughters with her, but they unluckily never had a son. My father's wife never knew about us and my father was very careful not to show his true colors, he said he never wanted to trouble us, I and my poor mother.
My father said he was glad and blessed to have me as his only son.
However, I would be much happier if he would let me carry his name. I know I could not, but I am still hoping. Sometimes I hate him, but I'll end up loving him. I know what he did to my mother is unforgivable; he is not suppose to do that for he is a married man, but my father—is a loving man. He never forgets to visit us once a year, and he never run away from supporting us, as a matter of fact, he supplies us everything splendidly.
My mother and I lived in a luxurious way.
He had given my mother a business that could run for countless years, a company that could hire a thousand employees—hotels. It was named under us, Sakamoto Hotels. And since my mother could no longer manage it, the responsibilities were passed on to me, but how can a ten-year-old boy be able to run such a business without an expertise? That's how Sebastian appeared in our life, my father sent him from London. And presently, Sebastian is the one who does the business tasks, he's skilled and father entrusted him with his life.
I am the one who signed the documents and checks, though.
When I was seven I started learning business matters, and Sebastian was my private tutor. He teaches me everything, from how to act as a man (though I can't find any reason why he raised me like one, I'm still a kid who loves playing, ne) he teaches me how to behave in front of many people—elites or even lowly types. And he's the one who taught me various sports, from Western to Japanese, furthermore, he always tell me that I shall behave like a noble. Well, my father is the noble, not me.
There was even a rumor once that Sebastian was my father, and he was my mother's husband, which was so funny I admit. If you are to think that I am a lucky son, a boy who lived in a higher society, well, cut it off. To be honest, my childhood, and my life ever since I was seven was so pathetic.
My life that's supposed to be a life of a playful child, is in fact, tiresome.
I was brought to London once, my father took me there and introduced me as his admired Japanese scholar, funny but, his wife took the alibi and she did not doubt either. It's plausible, why, because I don't look like my father at all. The only thing I inherit from him was his blonde hair, and really, I need a lot of hair color and dye my hair black. Sometimes my divergence among those typical Japanese people is making me so uncomfortable. My hair for example.
Oddly, but since that day I dyed my hair I then started to love dyeing it black, which is the main reason why Sebastian gets so frustrated.
"Your father will kill me if he's to see you like that! Let's get your hair back!" Sebastian often yells at me.
My father did everything for me and he treats me truly as a son, as if I am legitimate. When he visits us, he always brings presents and sometimes, we will play together. He's a lovable and a nice father, but he was never been a nice man. My father and mother were not fated for each other. And I have come to accept that.
I stayed in London for almost a year, and that's where I learned a lot of English and I became so fluent speaking it. When I heard the news that my mother got sick and so ill, I flied back in Japan. And I was six years old that time.
I am a happy, fortunate son, they say.
If only they knew, I am not as happy as they thought I am. According to Sebastian, I am a pretentious naughty kid. I can clearly imagine why he had commented such a thing, well, I always troubled him and sometimes I do a lot of mischief, mocking and teasing him. Always making Sebastian worry. Always escaping from my lessons, well, my lessons are stupid and merely nonsense for a child like me.
There was once Sebastian said I'm cruel. I'm really proud of him, 'cause he's the only one who notice that indeed I am! No person has ever realized rather than him that smiling is my one way of dealing a difficult decision and situation.
I am a lively, cheerful child, they say.
However, ever since my mother got sick, and ever since I inherited her illness, I become occasionally depress and hopeless. I thought that my mother and I's destiny is too cruel, too cruel and greedy because we are given such a short happiness.
"Can I ask for more wishes," I utter as I faced the Buddha, "If you can't grant me and my mother a long life, then….can you please,"
"Hitori-sama! You can't say such things. You are not dying," Sebastian interrupts. I almost forgot that he was with me. I spelled my wish silently at the Buddha before I turned back at Sebastian, who was standing right next to me.
"It's better to be prepared, right Sebastian?" I teased.
"Your mother would not like what you were saying," he says, I know he's more concern to me than to my mother, so why bring her up in a sudden? He's making my mother his excuses, again.
"I'm trying to become realistic here, Sebastian. Besides, I made a deal to this Buddha, he must heal my mother in exchange of my life,"
"Hitori-sama!" he hissed.
"Uh, I'm just kidding Sebastian." I chuckled.
Four years ago, my mother was found to have a cancer, and she was predicted to have five years left on her life. It was too late when we discovered her illness, the cancer cells had spread already. And it was a miracle that she had come to endure it till now, she was having her dialysis.
That was the greatest agony on my father's side, and as to my mother, she had accepted her fate wholeheartedly, as if it's nothing to her. The reason why I hated her, how can she easily accept it? Was it alright for her to leave me alone like this?
My mother has never realized how I wanted her to live, she completely succumbs and she's not fighting for her life any longer. She decided to leave me alone like this.
I hate it.
And just a month ago, I was been diagnosed and as expected—there's a possibility that I will inherit my mother's illness. Although my doctor said that I can be cured for I was diagnosed earlier and so I have the most possibilities that I'll be cured just with proper medications. And also, they said I have a very weak resistance. The reason why I have limits to every move and things, and I hate it. It's like having no complete freedom.
However, ever since I know I am sick, I occasionally become depress and sad. I don't want to die, I still want something. Something that my father couldn't give and couldn't do. Although they always told me that I'm not dying I couldn't help but think that it's where I'm going to at the end, with this fragile and weak body—I couldn't help but pity myself.
Sometimes, I thought that, if my mom is going to die and there's no way to stop it then I would die as well, I want to stay with her no matter where it will be.
My father said, "You're not a cancer patient Louie, your body is just weak and fragile. So it's not good for you to do difficult tasks anymore, and you can't play games unlike before. Your life is different from now on."
But it's the same thing, it's like I'm dying.
"Just stay here Sebastian, I need to go somewhere, it must be blooming now, ne?" I said, and before Sebastian could even response I already ran off, leaving him shaking his head.
To My Sakura Tree.
Among those sakuras, there's this one tree that shines the most. It's the only one that stood so firm and so attractive in this shrine. Since I found out that I have a weak resistance, I started coming habitually here in the shrine—to pray, to relax, to wish.
I panted as I got my destination. I was running too fast and my hair was almost tousled, surely, Sebastian might become so frustrated again.
There she is, Sakura. She's blooming.
I was surprise however, that a lady was standing closely at the tree, and it was strange that she hasn't noticed me on her side. She isn't moving at all, just staring at the tree.
As I move closer I notice that she isn't seem to have a life. She seems exhausted. I was stunned as I saw the side of her eyes—it was full of sadness. I feel like an unnerving aura is coming from her. She stood there, just staring, and it's strange but, I can feel the sadness and depression was enveloping her. She was so sad and problematic that she couldn't even notice my obvious presence.
I feel so sad just by looking at her. She seems to be the saddest person in the world. And when I saw the moist almost forming under her eyes, I felt like my heart was crying. This big sister was crying, supposedly that was what's going to happen but, I was confused when she refused not to—instead, she had blinked her eyes many times, as if she was disgusted with the tears. It wasn't just like that, I almost jerked out when the woman laughed in a sudden, she was laughing at herself. She laughed so pathetically, I almost thought she was crazy.
She must be crazy, I thought. But then she suddenly stopped and her shoulders dropped down hopelessly. She looked so down, it appeared to be that, the world was her best enemy. I don't know why, but at that moment, I almost wanted to lend her my shoulders and let her cry on my chest—but it was a stupid thing to do, my chest was small and my body was fragile, it won't help her at all.
A strange feeling is starting to arise inside me, seeing her in that hopeless state makes me want to hug her, makes me want to embrace and tell her, 'It's alright.'
I know she wanted to cry, she really needs it but she was restraining herself. I don't understand why she seems so disgusted and sad, but I know one thing, this miserable woman…caught my eyes.
I am desperate to heal her sadness.
I flinch when she moves. I think she notices now my presence. She turns her gaze at me and she seems to be more surprise than I am, I am surprise in a sense that—there's something more than sadness on her eyes. Hatred.
"Daijobu-ka, ne, Oneesan?" I ask, it's strange but I feel something on her that is almost the same as mine. Her cold eyes almost tell me that she's suffering from emotions almost similar to my self. However, she's more pathetic than I am.
I wonder why she did not answer, she was stupefied. Although I guess she's not a Jap, but she can't understand me—can she?
"Are you alright, Big Sister?" I repeated in English.
It took her for moment before she answered me or perhaps she was hesitant if she's ever going to answer.
"Yes," she said, she smiled but I know for certain—it was a pretentious one. Her smile astounded me for a bit, it was because she smiled almost similarly as to how I smile—false smiles. However, a silly thought came into my mind, 'She's the loveliest girl I have ever met.' And the most miserable one, I added.
She said she's alright but I can't see it on her eyes. I know she isn't alright. Maybe she was heartbroken, someone must have been the cause of her pain. Something had to be the cause of everything.
She turns her gaze at the tree, just then I run off to get something I can step over, something that'll help to level my height from her. A stool might help. I remember it was there somewhere around the back corners.
It's really odd, no matter how I look at it, it's nothing but odd—how can I feel this way towards a woman, older woman to be précised, and she is a miserable, pathetic, melancholic one? It's like, as if, I was fallen in love at first sight. Foolishly.
In love? Come to think of it, what was love all about?
I just have this feeling that I wanted to heal her, I wanted to cheer her up, and I really wanted to cure her pain. I want to be that person who can make her smile. If that would be the reasons, then let it be love. Am I being enchanted?
I spotted the stool and took it along with me. I landed it in front of her and smirk. I don't know where I got my strength but I managed to jump perfectly up on the stool, matching my height to hers. I saw her chuckling and crosses her arms, her tone was fancy somehow,
"Are you stalking me, little boy?
It almost surprised me but I managed to ask her the other way, "Have you ever been in love, Oneesan?"
I saw her eyes widen and I know she was shock. She must be surprise that a kid asked her such a question, but I wanted to know and I mean it. She was stunned and preoccupied. Somehow, I needed to repeat my question.
"Yes," she answered in a very unnatural way, her voice was trembling. And then she added, "Are you alone?"
"No," I feel so sad just by the look on her eyes, and I wanted to ask her if she's with someone, too, but I said instead,
"You were almost crying, why did you stop your tears from falling, Oneesan?"
She was dumbfounded. When she managed to regain herself, she laughed timidly and this time her laugh sounded so natural unlike the first one,
"You seem to have a lot of weird imaginations, aren't you? Where are your parents?"
"Sometimes, it's okay to cry." I said, ignoring her questions. I know she just wanted to lure me and take me off far from the topic. And I said it because it's true, she almost cried a while ago but apparently disgusted by the thought of it. But I know, she was scared to cry, she might be thinking that if she cries she'll become weak and pathetic.
I wanted to know who's the cause of her sorrow and beat that person for causing it to her.
"Uh, really." She's apparently pissed, isn't she? She combs her hair with her hands and tuck some into her left ear, I find her cute that way although she had narrowed her eyes at me—uh, she's irritated.
I feel like blushing when the big sister leans closer to my face, she's almost poking my nose, "A kid like you shall not mingle with adults. You don't even know that crying is such a foolish thing to act, tears are for stupid fools."
What she said shocked me. Why does she think that way? It's not stupid when you cry, it helps you relieving the pain. She should cry sometimes. But then, I stunned. Perhaps she had have enough of crying?
"How shall I take that?"I feel so sad looking at her eyes, it's like her pain is transmitting back to me and yes, if it's even possible, then I want to eat all of her pain. I want to take it away from her.
"That's an advice from a big sister, ne. Now, you must get down and nuzzle your nose at your mother's skirt." She answers, even her voice is like a poisonous sting on my ears.
"I don't have a mother," of course I lied, I don't know why I did but perhaps because I don't want her to pity my lifeless mother, or perhaps because it's my way of facing the reality—my mom will die anyway, so I must accept it from now even if it hurts. "Sorry," she utters caringly, as if she knows my mother.
"You don't have to," I say, I pour a smile that was never been a pure one, a smile that I use to when facing people who tends to pity me.
"Big Sister, can I ask you something?"When she nodded I leaned closer to her, so close that she almost jerked out, and I stared carefully into her eyes.
I am in pain, too, but this girl is suffering more than I am. She's in pain as if she's been neglected by the world. Her eyes don't lie. I can see the pain, the sorrow, and the bitterness of her heart through her eyes. She feels rejected, worthless and pathetic. Why?
"I can see it clearly in your eyes," and I saw the hatred and anguish on her, "your eyes show honesty oppositely from what comes on your mouth."
"I can clearly determine as well, that is not a question." She says and I smirk, she is completely opposite from what her true emotions are telling.
"Did someone ever love you, Oneesan?" my question jerked her and she was so stupefied, she wasn't reacting at all. And then I saw her eyes widen just staring surprisingly at me and her hands on her sides were shaking, she was frightened by the question. I felt a pang of guilt when I noticed how she trembles, it's like she'd seen a ghost and I regret that I even asked her. She looked down and I know she didn't want me to see her weakness that might fastened on her eyes, I almost thought she wasn't going to answer me.
"No." she said afterward, her voice was so gloomy.
As I have thought someone had been the cause of her pain, someone or perhaps many of them have caused her to feel so doomed and worthless. Big sister thought no one has ever loved her, and she said it like she meant it and so, I feel so sad. Everyone deserves to be loved and Big Sister deserves it, too. How can anybody hurt her like this? How could someone not love her?
I don't know her and even her name, but I know in my heart that she's a very nice, kind, and a lovable woman. Although I don't know the reason why Big Sister said such a thing, the reason of her sadness and sorrow, but I feel like I know it, that I know why she feels so sad like this. It's strange but,
I feel so sad.
If no one has loved her then I would.
I cupped her chin and turned her up to face me, "Then Oneesan," I said, if no one can make her happy then maybe, maybe I can try to, "Can you please wait for me?"
Maybe I can try to change her. I want to be that person, yes, I want to see Big Sister's smile and I want her to feel that someone can actually love her, love her despite whoever she is. And I know she can't believe me at this time, her heart was filled with hatred and sadness that she couldn't trust anyone, that's why…that's why…
"Can you please wait for me Oneesan, I'll marry you when I grow up." That's why I need to grow up more and become Oneesan's special one. She might not believe me because I'm small and a child to her eyes but I'm desperate and I mean it.
I saw her and she was shocked, this must be the most shocking thing she had ever had. She wasn't able to handle or to answer me and that's why she burst to laughter instead. She laughed as if she heard the funniest joke in her life, even so, I can't blame her.
"W-what? You are not supposed to laugh," I said and I heard my own voice shaking. I can feel my own cheeks warming, and I notice that Big Sister is actually pretty and brilliant when she laughs wholeheartedly. Her black eyes are beautiful when she did that, and for seconds the sadness and hatred on her eyes were replaced with laughter and smile. She's brilliant when she smiles like that.
"It has been a long time since I laugh like this. You've done a good try Mr. Little." She said and I pouted, Big Sister thought I was joking, but I can't blame her. That's why I need to grow up more and become a man.
I want to become a man for her.
In that moment, a new feeling was born within me.
"I mean it," I said with sincerity. I saw her cheeks flushed with red and I was happy that I made her blush, although she was merely shocked and completely in a state of no-where-to-be-found. And I can feel that I am blushing, too, while I was staring at her eyes. She couldn't utter any word. And so was I.
A wind blows from the west and cherry blossoms started falling on our heads. I saw her glossy-black hair dancing with the wind, it was straight down to her shoulders and it shined like she was a goddess. I feel so refreshed and enchanted. I never realized that I was smiling at her, in fact, for a longer.
She couldn't utter and I presumed she can't find any words to say, she didn't know how to answer me. She was speechless. Just then a voice calling me both had startled us. It was Sebastian who was terribly worried, wondering why it took me so long to come back.
I jumped and fixed myself as he said, "It's time to leave."
Sebastian was changing his looks towards me and the Big Sister but he didn't ask me who she was. And Oneesan apparently was in shock for she didn't utter a word, so I did just smile at her.
"We'll meet again, Oneesan. Jah ne." I said to her as I waved my hand. I didn't ask for her name because I am confident that we will meet again, and besides, Sebastian can handle it.
"Take care of yourself and try not to confuse the adults, ne?" I felt relieved when she smiled back at me, I thought she was not going to talk but I felt happy that she did before we left.
Sebastian held my hand and I know he wanted to know what had happened, he was just waiting for me to open it up but I have no intentions of telling him.
Instead, I said as we walked away, "I want you to locate her residency, Sebastian."
"Are you serious, Hitori-sama?" he asked and I raised a brow to him.
"That girl," I uttered as I held him tight, "she is suffering and she has emotions almost similar to mine."
He did not answer and I know it was enough for him, but I continued,
"I want her by my side."
For the very first time in my life, that fated day, was the day that I'd realized I wanted to live no matter what.
'If you can't grant me and my mother a long-healthy life, then can you please…'
'…can you just please send someone who'll become my source of strength and courage, someone who will be my reason for living?'
'I'll be….waiting for that person. Kami-sama.'