Obama Wins Peace Prize; Peace Speculators Rejoice
NEW YORK: Peace speculators celebrated en masse on the streets upon the announcement that President Obama had been awarded the Nobel Peace prize, affectionately referred to as a "Nobie" by those "in the know".1 Peace speculation, long a common practice of the U.S. military, has recently been adopted on Wall Street with wild success. Our resident Wall Street analyst Compte de Monet explains.
"My name is not pronounced 'Count da Money', so don't say it that way," replied da Money irately. When asked to explain the idea of peace speculation, however, he was more forthcoming. "Speculating on the market of peace is like speculating on any other market. Basically, you buy a certain amount of hypothetical peace with the expectation that it will actually exist some time in the future. You then sell this peace to suckers…er, clients, which is a sure bet, because even if the peace never comes to pass, it's pretty easy to convince them that a given unit of peace exists somewhere in the world and they just need to drill deeper. This is a pretty sweet deal, because you get money for what we on Wall Street refer to as 'jack diddly', and you get to run a Ponzi scheme that's actually legal."
Obama's winning the Nobel Peace Prize was an incredible windfall for many peace speculators. One such speculator, J. P. Leary2, took a break from the Woodstock-esque Wall Street smell-in involving a cube of hash no less than two meters square to explain the situation, although this reporter had take a pull from the moaning crowd's group bong to comprehend his description: "Well, it's, y'know, peace, bro. I mean, we's here on the Street buys it and sells it, but Obama, dude. Guy knows where it's at." When asked to expound further, he replied, "My friend, this here thing makes us look like kings, y'know? Kings. I love you, man." Mr. Leary then fell asleep before any further questions could be asked, although his contented mutterings could be interpreted as responses by the creative reporter.
Further research revealed the true significance of this Obama's "Nobie" in the arena of Wall Street. Apparently, Obama being granted this award produced the illusion that more peace has actually ensued, and as a result, global peace prices per share have skyrocketed to the degree that in the time you spent reading this article, your personal hypothetical lack of violence within a one-day period will have been sold at least fifty times, garnering a net profit for all buyers of roughly 4,865,579 guineas, three crowns, eight shillings, and a thrupenny bit.3 All that buying and selling will, of course, be complete at least three hours before you picked up this copy of The Blowfish.
Obama's "Nobie" is truly groundbreaking, however, in that it is the first such prize to be based entirely on the Wall Street system of speculation. One market capitalist writing for the Wall Street Journal lauded the Nobel Committee in Oslo's decision as "a bold and inventive way to strengthen the American economy," and when questioned further in an interview, gleefully noted that "not only does this strengthen the illusory value of hypothetical peace, resulting in vast profits across the board, it manages to do so based on the very hypothetical peace that President Obama will, one assumes, create. This creates a compound deficit in the peace market, in which we trade hypothetical peace predicated on the idea that even more hypothetical peace exists, or what I would like to coin, since I have the spotlight, as a 'double-hypothetical economic model'. In such a system, one can reap massive profits due to money coming into one's account from…well, how am I supposed to know where this money comes from? It just kind of…appears. I guess it must come from somewhere, right?" He then cut a large chunk from the communal brick of hash and popped it in his mouth, proclaiming "No worries!" before passing out.
Another peace speculator, Washington Muchuel, declared after the effects of the hash wore off that that was "the best high ever." Asked to comment on the implications of this hypothetical "double-hypothetical" economic model based on the hypothesis that, hypothetically, some sort of peace would appear somewhere eventually, he began discussing the issue with hypothetical energy. "This new award certainly guarantees us massive profits in the short term, but we have to consider the long-term implications. This could herald a move over to an entirely hypothetical economic system in which anything could be obtained simply on the assumption that one might eventually have the means to purchase it! This is a very exciting time!"
Critics, for what it's worth, deride the practice of peace speculation as dangerous and risky. They claim that the continual investment in hypothetical peace might have short-term and long-term implications, such as the inflation of the value of hypothetical peace to the point that nobody on Earth regardless of their fabulous wealth or Ozymindias-like ability to avert the Apocalypse with an engineered crisis would be able to purchase it. Alternately, they warn that what they call the "peace bubble" might eventually burst and result in there being no hypothetical peace for anybody, in which case we would have to rely on actual peace to make money. And save lives. That too. Well, anyway, that's what the critics say. There's probably no precedent for their claims though. You should just ignore them.
–Simon Diamond Cramer
1 Read: not you.
2 Names changed to protect the presumably innocent. *
* Presumably innocent referred to as "presumably innocent" to protect the very blatantly guilty.
33 This value must be described in the Old British currency system just to confer how arcane the system of speculation is. Any other description is insufficient. I'm serious.