Phantasmagoria

A/N: Inspired by the novel/movie: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

I lay entombed in my own body. I laid here a useless burden to my nurse and the ones I loved, but a selfish, rationalizing part of me still believed they wanted me here. I could not go; I did not wantto leave. A selfish corner of my heart bound me with the paste of life to my bed. I was barely alive, but I was living according to the white coats that entered and left my room.

My mind drifted off to a faraway place, a happier phantasmagoria in the nostalgic creepings of my past. A part of me wanted to reverse everything, but I realized, I wouldn't want to change a single detail. I thought about how the flowers blossomed in the dawn of spring and crumble in the frigid air of winter. My eyes averted to the haunting window to my left. The cool air crept into the room like a sorrowful phantom seeking company. I allowed it to accompany me in the dark, lonesome night as I could not do anything about it. Why bother. Then I thought about how complacent I was, and how painful my apathy nipped at me.

I thought about my dear Allison and our children. Allison was the sweetest of girls I knew who wore bright red lipstick and sad blue eyes. When her heart was lit, her bright blue eyes electrified me as well. She knew when to let go, and her heart was always in the right place. She expanded the narrow crevice of my mind that I allowed her to enter, and she praised the miracle of change. My dear blue-eyed girl cut my hair, and I told her that she had done all right. Only, she and her descents clipped my wings as well and flew far away from me. They left me in this hollow shell cursed by the very meager and unappeasing essence of life. I stayed by ledge near the birds while the lovely bones around me grew wings. An estrangement separated me from them, and I could not help but miss them, just a bit when they migrated away.

I remembered my child Sarah and her beautiful smile. I pushed her on the swings and she gave me this wide, goofy grin. Every horrendously judgmental and pretentious bone in my body softened when I heard Sarah's eerie singing voice. She sang to me sometimes, but I could not hear her nor establish a viable form of communication. But her faithful presence lifted me up in an ineffable sort of way. This wintry fellow that I allowed to accompany me tonight had the same complex as my dear Sarah's, though she was now far, far away knocking down her city light dreams. The smell of the night was strong, but subtle. The strange awaiting feeling disconcerted me a bit.

And I could not forget Richard. He grew into a man before I took notice. His funny prepubescent voice and chicken frame gracefully bloomed, for a lack of a better word. His touch no longer made me reminisce of a scared, innocent child's, but it reminded me of my own. It was sometimes tenuous, but most of the time very firm and concise. I looked up at his jaded gray eyes with mutual respect though I faced the corruption of innocence. It saddened me to lay here thinking about this when my hours were short.

He greeted me like a friend. He arrived with an amiable, peaceful smile, but I rejected him as I always did. A stubborn part of me wished to remain in this world, though for all intents and purposes I was gone. I was not in pain nor misery, but I wished to stay closer to those who I loved, though the little bluebirds continued pushing me away. The dark of the night alluded me to reach the stars with my soul, but the rational, natural part of me would not consent. If only I could reach the stars. If only Icould gather the courage to be a star. The glittering lights that barely lit the dark night fazed me.

He continued enticing me with all his craft, but I would not budge. He attacked me with remorse. What could I do, lying here? Could I really explore the vastness of the wide blue oceans or have a taste of perfection? In my heart, the mountains that came crashing down could regenerate and lift themselves up again. I could dream, but I could never climb out of my own body even if I wanted to. In my mind, the rosiest petals could fill my heart with the fresh smell of spring, the nicest people could cross my mind. But he reassured me, I only could think. A shadow ran past my window and my chest tightened.

A part of me surrendered to him. I could not sacrifice my soul of course. But I contemplated upon the subject for a while. I wasn't about to give up. But after my last and standing defiance, I drifted away slowly, as a protruding shadow arrived near my bedside. A vague, uplifting sentiment of optimism spiked the air surrounding me, and at last, I could move.

Yes, at last I could move. At last, I was truly invincible, even when compared against the mightiest, most rugged mountains. With a wave of my hand, the dead flowers cleaned themselves up. My Allison looked happy and Sarah sang a sweet song with the happy little bluebirds. Richard walked nearer to me. No longer was I clipped to the ground by my own fears. I liberated myself from the tangles of my terror and knots of my pretentiousness. The wintry fellow replaced himself with a warming glow. It gave me hope.

But reality, it did not keep up with my pace.

With or without my presence, Sarah would sing, and Richard would continue growing. My Allison would always have sad blue eyes. It was a sorrowful day when someone gave up, but the flickering figure confirmed my safety. I tore myself from the comfort of certainty through my love for curiosity, and curiosity was kind.

It was all very phantasmagoric.