he said

you made me

and i said,

i did no such thing.


but i dropped

just a little

just a little

just a littlemore.



i thought you really loved me

words passing through

his perfectly shaped lips

were we in the wrong positions?

i was supposed to be

the one looking and looking and gazing and trembling as i stared at him

unwavering wanting wishing hating

and he was supposed to be

everything i was not

but i guess not.


i did not make you,

i said.

you wanted it, so i gave it to you,

it's not my fault it lost you your job

and your friends

and everything else.

i'm sorry if you think that way \


and he looked at me

and he said

you bitch,

he said,

i hate you,

he said,

go fucking die.


i pretended it didn't hit me

i pretend it doesn't sting

i pretend that everything's okay

but i know that it won't be for him.


i pretend until there's nothing left but dust,

and your suitcases are gone

and the money is gone

and the apartment is empty

and our pictures disappear

and i can't help but wish that maybe i shouldn't have gave it to you

even though you wanted it


i pretend and i wish and i want,

and nothing will get me anywhere without you

but i didn't know

i didn't know

i'm sorry

that i didn't know

i won't ask for


anymore \.


ahh, angst. been reading some hans jewinski in english. i like him.

listenedto: HEY - PIXIES \\ JUST HOLD ME - MARIA MENA \ while writing this.