A/N: Hello fourth story and second one shot. So far so good right? No, it's up to you to say so if you'd like try and review and say whatever you want to say, the good or the bad I'll accept any reviews. Hope you like the story and yet again I wrote this when drunk. Inspired by Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo from South Park and other stuff about shit. May contain high levels of weirdness, coarse language and bad humor, you have been warned!!
The strange business going down is in your toilet.
I walked the streets of Tokyo tiredly. It was already near midnight but I don't care it's not like someone's waiting for me back home. I looked up lazily to the night sky thinking about the stars and how dumb they are when they look down on me.
"Stupid stars… Too afraid to shine in broad daylight." I muttered to myself while kicking an empty can.
I started walking down to the familiar path to my house but this time I stopped. A 16 year old girl was staggering towards me with a bottle of sake in her hand. She slowly danced, drunkenly, towards me making her long pink hair dance in the slow breeze.
"How you doing…" She asked looking up at me with bright blue eyes.
"Who are you?" I asked unblinkingly.
"Me?" She pointed to herself drunkenly, "I'm your mother. The person who created you, Kishijoten Inue at your service…"
She curtseys while losing her balance. "You can't be my mother, I mean you're fricken 16 years old and I'm 17…" I yelled back at her.
She looked up and snapped out of her trance, "Oh shit. I'm in the wrong story. Sorry about that mister." She waved and quickly left leaving her sake bottle behind.
"WTF?" was written all over my face.
After having a weird encounter with a drunken girl I quickly ran back home locking all the doors and windows just in case she knew where I lived. I carefully collapsed onto my, nearly, broken couch just in case it would collapse making me falling down on my ass onto wood.
Oh and if you're starting to wonder then yes I am poor. I live in an abandoned apartment block and most of the furniture is stolen and my parents died a long time ago. I stared into space where the TV should be and wondered what's going to happen next.
"Damn… I'm starting to feel hungry." I quickly got to my feet and checked the cupboards knowing that it's empty.
My stomach grumbled and I slowly crouched down thinking about the last time I had a proper dinner. I slowly went to the bathroom to check how the hot water is going and that maybe this time I can take a bath after 2 months without washing. I turned the tap and waited for the pipes to start working but it didn't happen.
"Another day without a wash… I guess I can live with it…" I leaned against the bath tub when I heard something.
"… Hey, boy." It sounded like it came from the sink.
I got up to my feet and looked down the sink to see nothing. I looked up to see the mirror and a reflection, my reflection. Short bright blue hair with the face of an average 17 year old boy with dark blue eyes stared back at me and I stared back at him knowing that he's what I've become…
"Hey, boy! Down here!" A deep voice called from the toilet bowl.
I curiously looked at the toilet bowl and started to walk towards it. Floating in the toilet water was two brown poops.
"… That wasn't there when I left…" I said to myself.
Suddenly they grew eyes and mouths and stared back at me.
"So you finally noticed us." The larger one with a really deep voice said to me.
"Nee-san, I don't think I trust him." The smaller one with big innocent eyes said back in a high pitched voice.
WTF?! The big one is a girl… Wait a minute they're talking to me…
"Don't worry little brother. He's not going to flush us down…" The big one looked up at me and continued with her deep voice, "If he knows what's for his own good."
I scratched my head and smiled at them stupidly, "Um… Can you tell me who you are?"
"We're the two magical faeces siblings that can grant only two wishes…" The sister with the deep voice told me.
"Holy Shit!" I said backing away from them.
"Indeed, we're holy shits." The sister replied.
I quickly crawled back to the toilet and looked down on them, "T-Two wishes?"
"Yes." She replied.
"Isn't usually three wishes…" I asked.
"To our circumstances it's just two." She said with blunt eyes.
I fell back and started laughing. I've gone to the brink of insanity and know I'm imagining shit that can grant my wishes, this is just rich…
"Rich." I repeated to myself before getting back to my feet, "If what you're saying is true then I wish to be rich."
I looked down at the toilet to see both of them floating and then the sister closed her eyes making the whole room change from a mouldy bathroom to a purely white bathroom with a golden toilet.
"… Whoa…" I said staring at the ceiling which also had gold.
I looked back to the toilet to find the little brother there. "Hey what happened to your sister?" I asked.
"… She's gone back to our home world." He said shyly.
My stomach growled making me decide on my last wish which isn't selfish. "I wish to end world hunger by making an endless supply of food for everyone."
With that a table full of food appeared right next to me. I breathed in the aroma to smell something awful. "What the hell? It smells like shit." I said holding back my breath.
I looked back to the toilet bowl to find that the little brother disappeared as well. I turned back to the food and gulped. I took a chicken leg and started eating.
"… It smells like shit but it tastes like normal food." I quickly grabbed more food and kept on eating.
A puff of smoke appeared before me revealing a seriously tall girl with straight red hair and green eyes wearing a black mini skirt and a black tank top and fish net leggings. Beside her was a boy, half her size, with the same hair and eyes wearing a camouflage jacket and black jeans.
"Tochikura, Toshiyuki. You have been chosen!" The girl said pointing at me.
"What?" I said with a piece of chicken skin hanging from my mouth.
"After granting your wishes you have to pay back to us." She said.
"… Wait you're those two shit siblings…" I said wiping off the chicken.
"We're called the Yanagawa siblings!" She yelled frustrated.
The boy next to her tugged on her hand and looked up at her with innocent eyes. She breathed out a sigh.
"Tochikura, Toshiyuki thanks to you we're now in proper form. And to thank you you'll be carrying our child." She said flicking back her hair with her hand and smiled back at me.
I opened my mouth and most of the food I was eating fell out. "Oh and also you'll be married to little brother and you're carrying his son. So let the reproduction begin!" She said while clapping her hands.
"What the… You've got to be joking. How the hell am I supposed to reproduce with a guy!" I yelled back at her.
"Just watch." She winked at me and snapped her figures.
Her brother came dashing towards me with determination in his eyes. This is just wrong! I quickly started running until I got a cramp making it hard to run. He soon tackled me down and smiled at me wickedly.
"Holy shit!" I yelled and before I knew it he bit my neck.
I gasped in confusion. First they're shit now they're human and now he's biting my neck like a vampire… What kind of sick person writes this piece of shit?
Her brother got off me and helped me up. I got up to my feet and touched my neck to find two pierced wounds. He looked at me and asked "So are you going to wear the wedding dress or me?"
I quickly opened my eyes to find that I was back at my run down of a house sleeping on my mattress. I quickly sat up and looked around to find it was a dream. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and laid back to the mattress.
"That must have been a nightmare…" I whispered to myself.
I turned to my left to see a red headed boy sleeping right next to me. I tingle of fear ran down my spine. He opened his eyes and smiled at me "What kind of nightmare was it, honey?"
I gulped down a scream and he wrapped his arms around my naked torso and snuggled close to my chest.
"Don't worry. Just wait until the babies are born, you'll be happier…" He said softly.
I screamed silently in my head and started to think… Why the hell didn't I get the sister?
(Too bad it wasn't one of those cliché happy endings though)