A/N: This is a Parody of Barbies: "Barbie in a Mermaid's Tale". I wanted to write a parody all my life so here it is also this was created from the hate of Barbie movies. I was forced to watch this because there was nothing else to watch, so here is a story for my hate of Barbie. Note: I recycled one of my characters 'Kishijoten Inue' because she resembles so much of me and the actions she does. Enjoy. Serious Note: Whole lot of strong coarse language so that's why it's rated M right? Inspired by 'Epic Movie'.
Kishijoten in a Mermaid's Tale.
Hey. I'm Kishijoten Inue and known as a surfer chick. Nothing unusual has happened to me and I think cliché's are full of bullshit. One day I was riding a wave when a pink dolphin appeared before me making me loose my balance and slipping off my board.
"What the hell?" I say after surviving the wave.
The dolphin appeared out of the water and spoke in a deep manly voice. "Hi, I'm Vivian."
"… Isn't that a girl's name." I ask drying out my long pink hair.
"Well, I'm a girl dolphin after all." She replied again with that manly voice of hers which freaked me out.
I got back on my surfboard and stared back at the dolphin for why it's here. "Shouldn't you be freaking out. I'm a talking dolphin…" She said.
"… You don't say." I said with narrowed eyes and paddle away.
'It's a dumbass cliché…' I thought.
The dolphin followed me and I kicked its snout. "Stay the fuck away from me you mutant dolphin" I yelled kicking its snout again.
Even though it looked innocent the dolphin bared its sharp teeth and bit my leg. "Bitch!" I called punching the dolphin numerous times before it let go, "What the hell are you a fricken shark?!"
"Sorry but I wanted to put some sense into you, oh yeah." It said now with a deep melodious tune.
My eye twitched tree times, "What the hell do you want from me?" I ask.
"You're the heir to the throne of 'Dumbass Mermaid Land' and your mother is kept in a dungeon…" He… no She said to me, "In the end you're half mermaid half human, oh yeah."
"Oh shit," I said with a realization, "my father must've fucked a mermaid when drunk… again. That's really expected of him."
"So you must come with me. Dumbass Mermaid Land needs your help from the Evil Bitch." Said the dolphin and I looked at him surprised she didn't say 'oh yeah', "Oooh, yeah…"
My shoulders slumped and my eyes narrowed, "Shit this cannot be happening."
"A mermaid princess shouldn't swear." The dolphin said.
"Well watch me bioch!" I blocked its blow hole making it suffocate.
The dolphin thrashed and moved around while I was suffocating it with a wicked smile. The dolphin soon bit my hand and I let go. "Guess we'll have to do this the hard way, oooh yeah." The dolphin used its tail to smack me unconscious.
I woke up from my unexpected slumber to find myself in a place that looks like a strip club. I got up from the bed to see I was slightly floating, I looked down to see my legs intact and then I noticed I was underwater.
"Ah shit." I said and I turned around to see that there was a drunken merman sleeping in the bed where I was, "Shit… Does this mean I'm pregnant?"
The blonde head boy got up and rubbed the back of his head, "No we didn't do it 'cause I'm a homosexual. I just felt sleepy and…" He looked down to see that I had legs, "Holy mother of sea cows! You're a human."
I looked at my legs than at him with narrowed eyes, "And you're a gay merman. You get to learn something everyday."
I slowly walked away but I found it impossible. I decided to swim when I bumped into two brunette girls wearing identical but slutty clothes.
"Oh a human." The first one said.
"Could she be the chosen one?" The other one turned to the first.
"… Who are you?" I asked.
Both of them looked at each other and smiled. The first one raised up her hand, "I'm Prostitute A." she called with glee.
"I'm Prostitute B." The second one said also with glee.
"And together we're the Prostitute Mermaid Twins. Nice to meet you." They said with a million times more of glee.
"… Oh shit what kind of place is this…" I asked.
"It's where every young mermaid's sell themselves to mermen." Prostitute A said with a smile.
"It's fun." Prostitute B added.
They both looked left to right and came closer to me. "Keep this between us but the Evil Bitch Queen is making us do this. If you're the child of prophesy then you can help us…"
I looked at them thoughtfully and replied, "No."
They booth looked at me with wide, innocent watery eyes and said in simultaneously, "You're mean!"
I sluggishly waved them goodbye and swam out of the strip joint. Outside there was this weird parade going on with just only one float with a red head woman standing on top of it.
"Do you love me, Dumbass Mermaid Land?" She called out.
"… Yes." Everyone said with a bored tone going on.
"Do you love me enough to have my children?" The woman asked but nobody said anything.
"Hell yeah!" One guy called from the crowd.
I stared carefully at the float with narrowed eyes to see clearly the woman standing on top of the float. She, like everyone else, had a tail and red one at that… and something else. I looked closer to see a huge mole right between her. At that time I nearly vomited… it also had hair on it…
"This place is sickening…" I said and at that point the whole crowd turned to me and saw that I had legs.
"Holy mother of sea cows! It's a human!" They all yelled out all together.
"Oh fuck." I said to myself and everyone started to run around in a riot.
"Ah! It's the end of the world!"
"Dear God! Please don't send me to hell because of this human!"
"Someone poke out my eyes out!"
Everyone ran away except for the woman. She quickly swam right my way and the mole became bugger and bigger than what I thought it was.
"You're the chosen one are you?" She said with a weird seductive voice which didn't work on me 'cause I'M A FRICKEN GIRL! "My, what nice colour hair you have…"
"Don't tell me, you're a bisexual mermaid. I get it now… one thing I have to say is…" I slowly held out my hand facing the back of my hand to her. I lowered all fingers except for my middle figure and pointed it straight to her.
"Get the hell out of my way you son of a bitch Mermaid! I've gotta get back home." I say poking out my tongue and used my other hand to punch her face trying to avoid the mole.
She fell-ish, if you call falling backwards in water falling, and got back furiously and pointed at me, "How did you know my weakness. I'm weak against the one figure salute!" She slowly swam away to her float while shaking her fist, "You'll never hear the last of me, human girl."
The float went backwards back to what looks like a palace. One thing I hate more than myself, school photo days and Valentine's Day is dumb cliché's. The Prostitute Mermaid Twin's appeared before me and looked at me wide eyed.
"Uwah! You're so cool. You really must be the child of prophecy." Prostitute A said.
"Only the Destiny's Childs can assure us that she is the one." Prostitute B said to her sister.
'Even though they aren't blondes they sure are dumb and empty headed…' I thought.
"Please follow us." They both said leading me away.
What the hell have I gotten myself into now?
I swam into a room with three small mermaids were. The Prostitute Mermaid Twin's pointed at them.
"There they are." They said.
"Nah duh." I say.
They were singing the well known song 'Bootylicious' in a melodious tune. They stopped and looked at me.
"Hiya. We're the Destiny's Childs… not the singers though." The first one with lime green hair said.
"But we are the prophecies." The second one with light blue hair said.
"0100010001010101110000100." Said the one with silver hair.
I looked at them with a WTF look on my face. They bowed down and the first one started, "The things you must have to defend and attack the Evil Bitch is these. The legendary Condom will protect you."
She held it in her hand and it looked like it was used but I didn't take it. The second one started, "Fish net leggings are what you need to seduce the Evil Bitch." She then handed me some fish net leggings.
"… Why do I need to seduce her with this?" I asked.
Everyone in the room stared at me with narrowed eyes. "Oh yeah, you don't have legs to wear these…" I soon realized.
The third one said nothing and handed me a comb. "What am I supposed to do with this? Comb her to death?"
The Destiny's Childs all solemnly nodded. "1001100" The third one said sadly.
"She say's that Dumbass Mermaid Land people are a very weak race and only the person allowed to have weapons is the Queen also known as Evil Bitch lady." The lime green haired mermaid said.
"All of youse are pathetic, you know that." I said accepting all of the pieces of crap from the mermaids except for the legendary Condom.
"We know." They all said.
"But at least you're going to save Dumbass Mermaid Land and you're mother." Prostitute A said.
"… Yeah… save Dumbass Mermaid Land, I shall…" I looked away from them and smiled wickedly.
'I think I've got a plan…' I thought. A Malicious Plan I shall think of….
I walked up to the throne where the Evil Bitch was sitting on with her chin resting on her dumbass hand. The pink dolphin was right next to her.
"Oi, Vivian. You're the one who brought me here, so tell me why?" I asked.
"I took you here so the Queen can have another item in her collection, ooooh yeah." She said with that weird sassy but deep manly voice.
"… Collection?" I asked.
The Evil Bitch got to her feet and smiled at me. She snapped her fingers making the curtain behind her rise up revealing a collection of Barbie dolls. I looked closer to see they weren't Barbie dolls they were human girls…
"Shit." I said taking a step back.
"You're going to be added to my collection of chid slaves." She said adding a crazy laugh, "But I never thought of having a half human girl…"
She quickly ran up to me and I started to think of why I didn't accept that Legendary Condom to protect myself from this half-woman half-man. I dodge and quickly grabbed the comb and placed it in her hair making her paralyse.
"How did you know my second weakness?" She said trying to move.
"WTF? It worked!?" I quickly ran to that dumbass dolphin and decided to finish what I've started.
"… Hey what are you doing?" Vivian said while backing away.
"Roast in hell, Bitch!" I yell pushing down the fish net leggings down its throat while covering its blow hole. It moved around and thrashed before finally dying.
"What are you?" The Evil Bitch asked me still unmoving.
"I'm Kishijoten Inue. Here for revenge and hate for dumbass cliché's." I say pointing at myself.
"What are you going to do to me?" She asks.
I shrugged and quickly pushed her out of the palace in front of everybody else. I quickly took off the comb from her hair and she started to move again. She turned to me and smiled like a mad woman.
"Ha! You're an idiot." She was about to sink her long nails into my shoulder when the Prostitute Mermaid Twins appeared.
"Don't!" Prostitute A shouted.
"She's very precious." Prostitute B called.
The Evil Bitch looked at me and sighed. "Fine, I'll let you live if you become my assistant and join my side." She said.
"No." Prostitute A said shocked.
"Don't give into the dark side." Prostitute B yelled to me but I ignored it.
"Join the dark side, Kishijoten. We have Naruto." She said with a promised smile.
My eyes sparkled with joy, "N-Naruto?"
"It's a trick." Prostitute Mermaid Twins said together.
I shrugged them off. "Sure." I say and the Evil Bitch smiled back at me wickedly, "But first."
I quickly got out a .42 caliber and shot the woman dead. Everyone stared at me shocked.
"Don't worry. I planned this all along…" I said and everyone clapped and cheered.
Soon enough Barbie appeared out of nowhere, "Kishijoten, you saved my home how can I repay you?" She said.
"You don't have to…" I said with a malicious smile.
I quickly got out a remote and pressed the 'start' button making a countdown of 30 seconds. I quickly placed the remote into Barbie's hands and swam up to the surface.
I quickly breathed in fresh polluted air and went onto my surfboard right where I left it. I paddled away and looked back to see the water turn to a red color. "Take that Barbie…" I muttered to myself.
I quickly paddled straight to the beach and was glad to back on dry land. "I love to hate cliché's…" I say with a smile, "Especially those happy endings… Too bad Dumbass Mermaid Land is now destroyed, I was starting to hate more of the place."
I placed my board onto the sand and looked up to sky and started to wonder… How in God's name a .42 caliber rifle can work underwater along with explosives too… But hey that's the truth of life it's one hell of unexpected story plot.
Sorry if it hit any sensitive people. It's not meant for being offensive…If this story wasn't offensive at all then forget what I just said a few minutes ago. Thank you for reading because this will be the last-ish story I'll write for the month.