Budget Committee Recommends Zombification of Tenured Professors
WALTHAM, MA—After receiving notification regarding the recent Ponzi-scheme induced budget crunch that you're not actually allowed to sell donated artwork at profit, the Brandeis Board of Trustees began searching for a means to fill the University's massive financial hole without being forced to give up their yearly entitlement of three palettes of gold-painted rhinoceroses. In an attempt to come up with viable alternatives that still allowed them to pin the blame on others, they decided to host a series of brainstorming sessions. However, after a week of sitting in a conference room while pelting each other with the preserved brains of deceased need-based aid students, they were surprised to notice that not much progress had been made.
"It's strange," said one trustee under confidentiality. "It's like smashing the brains of poor kids against the exteriors of our skulls hasn't had any effect at all."
While several other trustees posited that the procedure might be improved by adding the brains of wealthy students to the mix, the Department of Finance nixed that proposal on the grounds that it would actually make the college poorer. At this point, the Board felt compelled to take a different tack and promptly outsourced the task of "thinking" to a group of professors, being very careful to make sure that the committee intended to save them a buttload of money didn't include anybody who studied business or economics. (Which is actually true!) This group was dubbed the "2020 Committee", perhaps under the assumption that Brandeis would still exist in 2020.
Early in their deliberations, the 2020 Committee had quickly determined that the biggest barrier to saving money was the small number of tenured professors on campus. However, that was exactly the problem: tenured professors could not be fired, nor could their salaries be reduced. All that changed when they recalled the…inventive nature of the Board of Trustees' "brainstorming" sessions and realized that the lessons learned by being hit in the head with a student's brain applied to teaching as well as outsourcing. Namely, they recommended that all tenured professors be transformed into zombies, effective immediately.
"Oh, zombie professors would be great," remarked Edgar J. Zomboss, Associate Professor of Thanatology and member of the 2020 Committee. "They'd teach just as well, and would only need to be fed the delicious, still-warm brain of one screaming student per day. Plus, they'd be great at parties." Before this reporter could ask Prof. Zomboss any more questions, however, he shuffled away, dancing the "Monster Mash" and moaning loudly.
Despite this, the group still remains undecided, as large majority of the 2020 Committee itself (including, strangely enough, Prof. Zomboss himself) are in fact tenured professors. However, resistance to Zomboss's innovative measure seems to be shrinking rapidly as more and more professors are beginning to see things his way. Here's hoping that swift progress toward this completely, absolutely harmless budget solution continues efficiently and without delay!