In middle school, I decided to become an evil genius. Quite honestly, given the hell that middle school is, I'm surprised more kids don't choose this career path. But I'd always had a knack for science and a strong distaste for my fellow human beings, so it struck me as a natural calling. However, after my third attempt to build a prototype killer robot resulted in yet another disastrous house fire, my parents packed me off to boarding school. In Switzerland, no less! They thought the isolation of the school's mountainous location would improve my disposition. But in fact, this turned out to be a huge blessing. Far from parental censure, my true personality blossomed and I finally hit upon what I wanted to do with my life: destroy the world as we know it and reshape it in my own image. I laughed with glee at the thought of my former middle school bullies mucking out the stables of the giant fire-breathing dragons I planned to genetically engineer. What a great day that would be!
But no plan, it seems, can go forward without some kind of impediment. Mine was the opposition of the world's superheroes. Those damned busybodies were always getting in my way. I'd no sooner release a new giant killer robot then a group of them would get together and destroy it. Have they no idea how much these things cost?! I was constantly having to take time to develop new technologies that I could market to raise money for my next plan of world domination. It was ridiculous. If not for the enormous financial empire that grew up around my inventions, I would have gone out of business as an evil genius years ago.
Obviously, I needed to do something about these wretched superheroes, and then the perfect plan presented itself. The leader of the superheroes, a man who, rather embarrassingly in my opinion, called himself Astounding Man, was married to another superhero who went by the appropriate, if amusing, moniker of Fashionista. Astounding Man's talent was incredible strength and speed, which allowed him to run down and bash apart my robots. Fashionista had the ability to manipulate lightweight objects telekinetically. I hadn't thought much of her talent until she wrapped up one of my robots in so much gauze that it couldn't move and shorted out. It looked pretty fashionable, though. At any rate, these two, as will happen when a man and a woman marry, produced a son upon whom they doted.
It was my plan to kidnap this youth and force his parents to do my evil bidding. Bwa-ha-ha!
So I sent my minions to snatch him off the street as he was leaving his fancy private high school. When they brought him to me that afternoon, I had this great speech prepared with which to cow him. It's important for an evil genius to gloat over his enemies. I like to follow the rules.
The youth was bound hand and foot with a hood over his head when they brought him into my palatial study.
"Remove his hood," I ordered imperiously.
My minion snatched his hood off and the youth glowered at me. "You won't get away with this!" he shouted. Then his eyes went wide. "Hey, you're kind of cute!"
I stared, my crushing speech forgotten. "I beg your pardon?!"
"They told me they were taking me to the Gorgon Master! I thought I was a goner! But you can't be him. You're really cute." He leered at me. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"W… What?!" I stammered. Trying to recapture my dignity, I said angrily. "Don't call me by that stupid name!"
"But everyone calls you that," he said.
I stamped my foot. "I swear! I make ONE snaked-headed robot and that's all anyone remembers! What about my sea monster robot? Why not call me the Sea Master?"
The boy blinked in puzzlement. "I don't remember a sea monster robot. When did you make that?"
"Oh, it was about four years ago." I smiled deprecatingly. "I have to admit it wasn't one of my best. Mermaid-man destroyed it after just a few days. I only managed to sink one cargo ship."
"That was you?!" The boy slapped his forehead and I realized his hands were no longer bound. I glared at my minion. Embarrassed, my minion grabbed him by the wrists and pinned his arms behind his back. The youth didn't even struggle. "The news said the ship hit a hidden obstruction, but I remember my parents talking about it. You're pretty good with machines." He grinned at me lasciviously. "Are you good at other things? I like men with big…"
"Take him to the dungeons!" I shouted.
I immediately dispatched a gloating email to Astounding Man.
He called me on my cell phone. "Release my son at once, you evil bastard!"
"Now, there's no reason to use foul language, Albert," I replied.
"Call me by my title when it's official business!" Albert shouted. "Now release, Alexander immediately!"
"Not until you agree to quit destroying my giant robots. I am about to unloose my most destructive robot to date and I would like to reduce at least one city to rubble for a change."
"Absolutely not! We superheroes will not stand by and…"
"What if I sent you some body parts to prove I'm serious?" I threatened with an evil laugh. I've been working on my evil laugh. It's pretty good, I think.
"You… you wouldn't dare!" Albert exclaimed. "He's an innocent boy!"
"Innocent?!" I responded. My face felt hot. "Anyway, I'm quite serious. You must promise that you will all stay out of my way or I will send you a couple of fingers. Maybe some toes, too."
I heard a door slam in the background. "Who are you talking to, Albert?" Fashionista's voice could be heard through the speaker.
Albert's voice became muffled as he responded. "It's that damned Gorgon Master, Estelle. He's kidnapped Alexander!"
"He's threatening to cut off his fingers and send them to us unless we agree to let him carry out his next evil plan!"
"Never!" Fashionista cried. She must have snatched the phone from Albert because she suddenly screamed so loud into my ear I had to hold the phone away. "You give me back my little boy right now, you monster!"
"Not a chance, Estelle!" I replied, once again producing my evil laugh. "He's mine!" I disconnected and threw my head back in a hearty laugh. Now it was time to put my evil plans in motion!
After dinner, I went down to my lab to finish the touch-up paint on my newest giant killer robot. I'd gone for a more insect-like design on this one, since insects inspire unreasoning fear in lots of people. It's always a bonus when people are as terrified by a killer robot's appearance as they are by its size.
"What a great lab you've got here!"
I whirled around. Alexander was standing on the landing outside the elevator, staring down into my super-secret laboratory!
"What are you doing here?!"
"I got hungry so I came out to look for something to eat."
"Couldn't you just shout for the guards like a normal prisoner?"
"Well," he twisted his hands together and blushed. "I wanted to see you again." He leaped over the railing and dropped the three stories to the ground. "You're just really hot. Do you work out?"
"I build giant robots. That takes a lot of strength."
"I can see that." He touched my arm. "You want to make out?"
"You really turn me on. Let's do it." He slipped his arms around my neck. "You can be on top, since you're the evil genius."
I spluttered. He kissed me. With tongue!
"Stop that!" I tried to unwind his arms from around my neck. He was really strong, just like his dad.
He kissed me some more.
I pulled my mouth away. "Would you stop that?! Can't you see I'm trying to finish a killer robot?"
"Can't it wait?" He rubbed up and down against me. "I'm really horny!"
This is really embarrassing to admit, but I was getting excited. I think the kid's talent, in addition to strength, had to be pheromone production. I was getting lightheaded and really turned on. If I didn't get him out of the lab, he was going to get his way.
"Look, I told your parents I was going to send them your fingers and toes if they interfered with my latest nefarious plan. So I need to get this robot off the production line and into operation. It's important to stick to the schedule. You understand?"
He pouted. "I suppose so." He released me and stepped back. "I guess I'll go back to my cell and put my chains back on. But can I have a steak dinner?"
I sighed. "Of course. I'll have one sent down immediately."
He brightened. "Ok, thanks!" With a single powerful leap, he jumped back up to the landing. He waved before getting in the elevator.
"Being an evil genius is much harder than it used to be," I said as I got back to work.
But through dedication and determination, I finished my killer robot insect and turned it on. It clicked its hideous mandibles and clacked its massive pincers. "It's perfect!" I giggled gleefully. I programmed it to destroy Los Angeles because I knew I'd get better press coverage that way, and sent it off. Then I sent for a bottle of Champagne and went to my bedroom to watch the destruction on my big screen TV.
Alexander was lying naked on my bed.
"Did you finish your robot?" he purred, writhing suggestively. "Can we do it now?"
I groaned. "Yes, I finished my killer robot, and no, we cannot do it now. I want to watch the mayhem." I turned on the TV. "It should be arriving in Los Angeles momentarily."
"Why Los Angeles?" Alexander sat up. "I thought you were planning to take over the world? Wouldn't it be better to destroy Washington D.C?"
I sat on the bed. "Well, I rather like the monuments, to be honest. Besides, I'll get good press in L.A. They love being the center of attention."
"That's true." He wrapped his arms around my shoulders just as a minion came in with my Champagne. "Hey, Champagne! Can I have some?"
"Drinking age is twenty-one in this country."
"You're an evil genius! What's a stupid drinking-age law to you?"
"Good point. Bring another glass."
So we sat on my bed, sipped Champagne and watched my giant killer robot crash into downtown Los Angeles. But Alexander kept trying to slip his hand into my trousers. Eventually he succeeded when I was distracted by a particularly spectacular explosion.
And then the door to the bedroom banged open.
"Alexander!" Fashionista screamed. "Just what do you have in your mouth?!"
"Oh!" Alexander quickly sat up and I hid my exposure with a nearby pillow. "We were just…"
"I can see what you were just doing!" Fashionista shouted. She shook her fist at me. "You said you were going to cut off his fingers and toes!"
"I was getting to that!" I said hastily. I pointed at the TV. "But you weren't interfering!"
"That's because they're waiting for us to rescue Alexander first!" Albert cried. "What kind of evil genius are you, Gorgon Master? Who said you could take my boy to bed?!"
"It was his idea!" I cried. "And don't call me that! My name is Thomas!"
"It's not my fault," Alexander said. "He's just so sexy I couldn't resist."
A massive explosion on the TV made us all look. My killer robot was on fire, one of its giant pincers blown off and a mandible hanging loose.
"Dang it!" I cried.
"It's too soon!" Fashionista exclaimed. She waved her hands and I was bundled up in the bed sheets. Unfortunately, Alexander was bundled up with me and he had just enough freedom of movement to start touching me inappropriately. He grinned. Fashionista scowled. "That's not what I meant."
"You know," Alexander whispered in the ear he was nibbling on. "You're rich enough to run for political office. Why not just take over the country that way?"
I stuck out my lip. "It's not as much fun."
"You could still make killer robots on the side," he purred. He sucked on my lip. "No one would care if you turned them loose in France. You'd still get elected."
"But politics is so time-consuming," I complained.
"I'll run your campaign for you," Alexander said. "You can pay me with sex."
"What?!" Astounding Man and Fashionista shouted.
"You've been telling me to get a job," Alexander said to his parents. "I'll get Thomas elected President and then he can appoint me Secretary of State."
Albert rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "You know, I've always thought we'd be better off with a few superheroes in office."
Fashionista nodded. "That's true. And Alexander is very bright." She smiled lovingly at her son. "All right, you can go into politics."
"Goody!" Alexander squealed. "Now go away. I want to get laid."
"Wait a minute!" I protested. "No one's asked me what I want to do!"
"You may as well quit fighting," Astounding Man said. "He inherited his superpower from my grandmother, Sex Bomb. Her pheromones were so strong she could get a whole stadium of people to start going at it." He chuckled paternally. "I have to say, I didn't expect my son to bring home an evil genius as his boyfriend, but it's better than some tattooed biker. Have fun kids."
And they just left me there, wrapped up in bed with an oversexed teenage superhero.
Maybe I should have gone into charity work.