"B.W and the Three Phonies"

You see I could start at the beginning, but that just bores me, not that I had a boring life or anything, I'm not saying that. I'll just start telling you about this one time with my brother, B.W. I have this brother, goddam smartest wolf you've ever seen, a genius for chrissakes, anyway so B.W. was walking down the forest one day when he came upon these three houses. In these houses were three little pigs, and from what I hear they were such phonies. But that's not the worst, no this will just make you wanna puke, the first house B.W. went to was made of straw. Straw for chrissakes, I mean who builds a house out of straw? Phonies, I'm telling you. So B.W, goddam genius, goes up and knocks on the door. And you know what that pig says? 'No no by the hair of my chinny chin chin.' what a phony, for chrissakes. So B.W decides to huff and puff or something like that, he can be such a phony sometimes too. Boy, it makes me wanna just puke sometimes. Well that straw house falls down, and here's this little pig, just sitting there and all, so B.W. goes and eats him. So later that night he comes and tells me all this, but he didn't save any of the pig for me for chrissakes. Boy, people never save you anything I'm tellin ya.

So the next day B.W. goes out to get the second pig. This house was even worse than the first, it was made of sticks. Sticks for chrissakes. This guy was even more of a phony than the first pig. So B.W. goes through the whole hair on my chinny chin chin thing again. Really though, I'm not against pigs having hair on their chin, I'm not saying that at all, but it just bores me to tell you the truth. Why would anyone swear on their facial hair? The worlds full of phonies and bastards. Anyway so again B.W. huffs and puffs, which kills me it really does. The stick house stands up for a bit, then he huffs and puffs again and the goddam thing finally falls down. Again he ate the pig without giving me anything. People never save anything for you.

Now the first two phonies weren't that smart, they built houses out of straw and sticks for chrissakes. But this third one was the biggest phony of them all. His house was made of bricks, bricks it just makes you want to puke. How many pigs make their houses out of bricks? So again B.W. goes out and tries to blow down the house, well he couldn't. So B.W., being a goddam genius, thinks about this old onion patch down the road. He invites the little phony to go pick onions with him. Onions for chrissakes, what's so great about onions anyway? They just make you cry and they smell something horrible. So the next day he goes for the pig in the morning. But the pig already went to the onion patch. That phony. Anyway the next day he decides to invite the pig to the apple tree. We had this apple tree in our front lawn once, it was nice, with big red apples that you could just sink your fangs into. They were great. Well B.W. goes and he waits down at the apple tree and the pigs in the tree for chrissakes. This will just make you puke, the pig throws an apple and B.W chases it. He chases the goddam apple. The pig runs away and so B.W comes home. The next day B.W goes to the brick house and the phony insults him. If I had been there I would have ripped that pig apart. Actually I probably wouldn't have. You see I'm really yellow like that. I mean I can think about what I would do, but in the end I'm just yellow. Anyway B.W is all upset and so he climbs up to the roof of the goddam brick house. He slips down the goddam chimney and falls into the goddam pot that the pig was cooking the apples and the onions with. And that pig ate him. I'm tellin ya nobody ever saves you anything.

So that's why I'm here. Mother didn't think my behavior afterwards was appropriate. I only broke a few trees for chrissakes. But one day I woke up in the hospital and everyone was pretending to care and everything, those phonies. After a few days they shipped me to here. Sometimes my mother visits me, and she'll bring me an apple. I like the apples, they remind me of B.W. That's the story, well as much as I'll tell you. The rest of it would just bore you, not that you care either way, and that kills me, it really does.