Just Like A Liar
I couldn't stop thinking about him. My imagination was belligerent with images of him. His ghostly pale skin, his dark hair. Those wide blue eyes; oceans roaring with emotions. My body ached for his cool fingers to slide across my skin. I could feel his cold touch all over my body.
I shut my science text book and ran my fingers through my short white blonde hair. What was wrong with me? I let out a small sigh and leaned my head against the set of drawers behind me.
I was so sure I was in love with Theresa Collens, the girl of my dreams. I was on top of the world. I was unbeatable, unmatchable, unstoppable. I had everything: talent, good looks, popularity.
When he walked into my life, everything I loved looked superficial. Everything strangely melted away in his wonderful light. I had never known longing until I laid eyes on him. The way he moved, the way he talked. The way he hung on every word that I spoke, the way he touched me. I found myself shrouded in longing. I ached for him in ways I had never for my girlfriend.
I was sure something was wrong with me.
At first it was curiosity. I wanted to know why I was so infatuated with him. So I tried him out. Tried on our relationship. Then I convinced myself it was all wrong, that I didn't need him. That I was straight. That never lasted long. I found myself dreaming about him. Never in my wildest fantasies, I had ever imagined myself lusting after a boy like this. It was all real. The way I gripped the sheets when I awoke from my dreams like they were the very fabric of his shirt.
No one could know of this love. No one could ever find out that I loved a boy like this. I'd be ruined. The teasing, the taunts, the locker room would never be the same. I couldn't bear the thought of what they would treat me like once they realized I wasn't straight. I convinced myself that I was straight. That this relationship was just experimentation, but I knew it wasn't.
I needed to see him. I needed to be with him, I knew that now.
I rose to my feet and padded over to the cordless phone. It was sleek and cold in my hands. I dialled his number, I knew it by heart. My heart panged with guilt when I remembered I couldn't even do that for Theresa.
"Hello?" He answered. He was Jonas Geoff, but he went by the name Kristoff. He had told me once that Kristoff was the name of his great grandfather, a man he took after.
"Hey Kristoff. It's me. . . TJ." I spoke softly. I could imagine him right now, a small smile playing across his naturally red lips. "I was wondering if we would hang out."'Hang out' had become our code for a romantic rendezvous. My heart beat was picking up at the mere thought of being alone with him.
"That's so crazy." He breathed, astounded. "I was just thinking about you. I was going to call you myself, but I was hoping you'd call me."
"Would now be a good time?" I asked him. I ran my fingers through my hair, wondering if I was presentable. A change of clothes would be needed, but I didn't want to waste any time. I wanted to get out of the house and into his arms as quickly as I could.
"Perfect actually. My folks took 'Trick out, Kirsten's with her friends, and Piper's hooked up in the basement with Cornerstone." Kristoff said. I could hear the traces of his Québécoise accent in his voice. I remember the first day he came to Ontario from Québec. That snowy winter day when he captured my very being.
"I'll be over in five." I told him. We said 'goodbye' and hung up. Before the words were even out of my mouth, I was missing his smooth voice.
I knew I'd be at his house in less then five minutes. Switching my clothes wouldn't be that much of a chore, and I barely had to walk far to reach his house. Kristoff and I lived on the same street. I used to say fortunately, but now I'm thinking it's rather unfortunate that Theresa lives on the same street as well. She's Kristoff's neighbour to make it all the more worse. I'd be passing my girlfriend's house on my way to cheat on her. You couldn't imagine how guilty I felt every time I went to see him.
While rolling down the collar of my blue polo, I spied a tiny white box. Once my clothing was secure, I prodded over to the box and opened it up. It was the snowflake necklace I had bought for Theresa a few weeks ago. It was gold and had a tiny white diamond in the centre. It had cost me a fortune, but I bought it for a reason. It was a token of my affection for Theresa, and it was to make me realize that the only person I should love was her. That was a lie. I loved Kristoff, and I knew it shouldn't be.
I closed the box and decided today was the day I'd give it to her.
The walk to Kristoff's house was more torture then being alone without him. I wanted to run to his house, but I didn't want to seem so enthusiastic. Those little seconds where I knew I was going to see him, but not yet made me suffer in their own little way. My cold fingers closed around the box and guilt rooted myself itself in my chest.
Soon, I was on Kristoff's doorstep. I rose a nearly trembling finger to the doorbell. I already felt blissful and happy. I could feel his skin under my finger tips.
The door opened slowly, almost as if Kristoff was teasing me. The door swung wide revealing him in all his splendor. He was unlike any other boy in my school. His jet black hair was mused like he had just woken up. His blue eyes were so fixed on me, I could see my reflection in them. His pale cheeks blushed a soft pink. His face was one of the most beautiful I had ever seen on a human. The smile on his lips drew the corners of his mouth upwards. He was dressed in a white graphic t-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants. I had never been over to Kristoff's house and seen him wearing socks.
He put his hands on my neck, his fingers were freezing. He trailed his hand down past my bare collar bone and slowly down his chest. His blue eyes caressed mine. He smirked. "It gives me chills that there's a world of skin under these clothes." He whispered.
I grabbed his hand and pulled him into me. I pressed my lips to his and I felt as if I was about to explode with joy. I wrapped my arms around his waist as he put his arms around my neck. We broke away but Kristoff captures my lips in another kiss. The way he pressed his body into me was driving me crazy.
I ran my fingers over his warm face. At that moment I was sure that he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I kissed him deeper then I ever had. He slipped his tongue into my mouth and I followed suite. Our hands were moving over our bodies at lightening speed.
He let out a moan and broke away from my lips. "Let's go upstairs." He suggested with a coy wink. He grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs. We laughed and ran up the stairs as quickly as we could. I didn't feel stupid letting myself go in front of Kristoff. He knew everything about me. He saw me at my highest and my lowest. That's the thing I loved about him; he loved me even though he knew how stupid I could get.
Once we were in his room, He shut the blinds and I locked his door. I turned to him and pushed him onto the bed playfully. He grinned up at me, his head between his black silken pillows.
He reached up with his hand and stroked my cheek. "I want you to be mine." He whispered. I could tell he wanted to kiss me by the way his lips got all soft.
"I am." I confessed. I wanted to belong to him. He was all I wanted and I wanted to be all he wanted. I wanted him to want me. He simply had to need me.
"Make me believe it." He purred.
I parted his lips with my tongue and grinned when I heard him let out a moan. His hands were trailing below my belt now, toying with my body. My body was getting hot all over. I had never thought about having sex with a boy, but that was all that was running through my head now.
When I felt as though I was going to explode with longing. When I knew I was going to do something impulsively, I got off of Kristoff. I lay down next to him, wiping my lips on the back of my hand.
"What's wrong?" Kristoff questioned. His hands moved up to my chest where he drew circles on my chest with his index finger. "Did I do something?" Kristoff's blue eyes looked hurt. Like I had offended him. Was Kristoff worried I was going to break it off with him? Did he value me as much as I did him?
"No. I just can't do this." I lied to him. At that moment I wanted nothing more but to indulge. I wanted to bury myself in him until I couldn't figure out where I started and he began. I wanted to taste all of him.
There was a silent killer present in all of this. It was guilt. Eating away at my desire for him. "Maybe some other day, okay?" "Promise?" Kristoff wrapped my hand in both of his. I flinched as he brought it to his lips and pressed them into my skin.
I leaned over to him, and kissed him softly. The underside of his lip was soft and warm. "Promise." It was a promise I knew I couldn't keep. He squeezed my hand a little bit tighter then before and leaned into another kiss.
I sat up on the bed and shuffled over to the edge. I felt stupid and guilty. Why did I have to go and get him all worked up just to let him down? Why did I have to start this whole relationship with Kristoff behind Theresa's back.
I got up off of the bed and made my way over to the door. I could feel Kristoff's blue eyes staring into my back. It was like an invisible ray, pressing into my back. I looked at him, and his blue eyes were pleading me to come back. They were begging me; those big blue pools of hope.
I gave him a small smile and let myself out.
Soon I was back in the fresh air. I took several deep breaths and quickly fixed my hair. I didn't need wild hair to make Theresa think I was laying down with anyone.
I would knock on her door, and greet her with a kiss. The same lips that tasted Kristoff would be pressed against hers. I'd tell her how beautiful she looked; that being the only thing I couldn't lie to her about. She'd ask me how I was and I'd tell her I just wanted to see her. I'd present the box to her, and slowly lift the cover. She' let out a shriek of joy and envelope me in a hug. I'd let her turn around and I'd place the necklace around her slender neck. She'd wrap her arms around my neck and kiss me tenderly on the lips. "I love you," She would whisper.
"I love you too." I would reply. Just like a liar.
I've had this story for quite a while, It was time to publish it.