"Honey, you really need to see a grief counsellor." My mom said about a week after my twin brother's funeral. That's right twin brother's funeral. He died and honestly I am not taking it well at all. But I will not and I repeat not go to a grief counsellor who will try to make me talk about what happened. I already relive that night every night in my dreams, it's the only dream-nightmare-that I have anymore, it won't go away. It's been two weeks since he died.
"Mom I'm not going and you can't make me." I told her before going back to my history report that was due in two weeks-for me, because of my brother dying, all the teachers are being kind-but I was almost finished and that's because doing this helps me not to think about it for a little while.
"I can make you, but I won't; but everyone is going, separately and with the family, can you at least come with the family?" my mom asked-more like pleaded- and honestly I knew how much it would mean to her if I just said yes to everything she wanted, but I couldn't. Going to the counsellor would make me have to sit there and think about my brother, my best friend, who died and I'd have to blame myself-not that I wasn't already-but I'd have tell them why I blamed myself, cause I'd have to tell them how I feel and that I blame myself and people always and I do mean always ask you why you blame yourself and I can't revisit all this not with people, I can't talk about it and let them see me crying, to see me breaking down. I haven't cried since that night-just before giving into the darkness pulling me in-at least not in front of people, yes my mom knew that I cried so she thinks I had problems showing it, and I do. I want to be strong for my family. I need to be strong for them.
"I'll think about it mom, but I'm not promising anything." I finally said.
"That's all I ask, is for you to think about it. And to talk about it, about what happened that ni-" No she can't finish that sentence, so I had to interrupt.
"Mom please." I begged. She looked at me worriedly then she nodded, reluctantly but she did.
"Okay I'm sorry, I realise you aren't ready and I'm not going to push you." she said before leaving my room. I turned back to my computer and remembered that horrible night. It's still clear as ever, even though near the end it's a little fuzzy.
"Nathan, thank you so much for taking me out, and getting my mind off Andy cheating on me. I needed this." I told my twin brother.
"No problem, I'm always here for you, you're my sister." he said smiling at me.
"I love you so much, you know that." I told him, I know really mushy but I couldn't shake this feeling that something was going to happen and that I'd never be able to tell him that again.
"I know and I love you, but what's with all this mushiness?" he asked, I didn't want to tell him the truth, he would just tell me I was being paranoid.
"I don't know." I said shrugging my shoulders, he looked at me and smiled, and I smiled back. I saw the lights, he did too, he got in front of me, and protected me.
We got hit by a drunk driver, and he put his body in front of mine to protect me, he could've saved himself but he saved me. Before I could do anything about it, the lights were so close that there was nothing I could do before the SMASH of the car hitting our car.
"Nathan? Are you okay? Oh no you're bleeding!" I said, not sure what was happening, I could feel a pain in my head and darkness pulling me, but I had to make sure that Nathan was okay. He had to be okay. I didn't realize at that point he was dead. All I saw was blood so much blood.
Then I noticed he wasn't breathing, that's the moment my world came crashing down all around me. And then since I knew my brother was dead, there was nothing more for me to care about so I gave into the darkness that wanted to absorb me.
From this moment on, my life will never be the same, my brother will always be dead and I'll be alive knowing forever that it was to protect me.
My life my world has come tumbling a part and I don't know what to do, forever and ever I will never be the same nothing will. I will wake up each morning and for just a split second I'll forget that my brother my hero was dead, then just like always I will remember that he is dead. How will I ever get through this? I don't know, but people will always for my whole life try and fix me, fix my heart, lift the guilt I feel but it won't ever work.
He was my everything he knew me better than anyone ever could and now he was gone forever, and I don't know how to get over it. So every night I cry myself to sleep, while still knowing I'll never be able to see him again, his smile, or here his laugh, or voice, have him protect me from all the assholes of the world. I'll never be able to cry in his shoulder ever again when every thing goes wrong.
When I was giving into the darkness that's all I could remember; how my brother, my twin brother would never be around ever again. No matter how much I needed him. And honestly I could admit this to myself I could cry in my room in the middle of the night, knowing my parents and younger sister-by a year- could hear while pretending not to. But I could never admit it to a grief counsellor, not even my family. In the morning everyone would pretend they couldn't hear me and that I didn't know that they could.
Thinking about all this brought the familiar stinging to my throat and eyes that meant the tears were coming, and I didn't try to stop them, I didn't want to, I wanted to let it all out. I wanted hear cry, because crying may not fix things but it always made me feel better.
"Mel?" my sister, Savannah said outside my bedroom door. "Melanie I'm done pretending that you don't cry at night, we know you cry just like you know we know you cry, and I know mom an dad want to give you time, and privacy, I want you to realise that crying alone isn't good. If you want I can cry with you." she said, softly, I could hear the cracking in each word. It only took a minute to think about it.
"Come in." I told her. She opened the door and already I saw her eyes shining with the tears in them. I motioned for her to come sit with me on the bed, and I took her delicately in my arms and we sat there crying, nothing more.
When we finally pulled away her eyes were red and puffy like mine were I bet. But I felt better, and not just because I cried, but because I was with my sister, while doing. I realised how much I liked crying with her, how good it felt to be hugging her and feeling her pain and my pain, knowing we were going through it together and knowing we'd get through it together. One day we'd both be alright, we'd be fixed but right now being with each other was a start. Sure I lost my brother but I was thankful my sister was still here.
"Thank you." she whispered, I knew she meant letting her in, and holding while we both cried. Sure she was 16 and only a year younger than me but she was soft and delicate, and emotional-an emotional wreck more like it-she couldn't control her tears, she cried over the littlest things. She got hurt over the smallest of things, and I knew I had to be here for her. I had to realise that she needed me, not to be strong but for me to tell her it's okay to cry, that's okay to hurt, that's okay to not be strong at a time like this. And that's what I was going to do from now on.
"I would do anything for you. You know that right?" I asked her.
"Of course I know that. You can tell me anything you know that right?" she asked and I knew what she was talking about, she wanted to know what happened since I refused to tell anyone.
"One day, I will, I promise just please give me time." I said. She nodded, wanting more but understanding how hard it was for me.
"Okay, one day. I'll be waiting for that day." she said getting up, and heading for the door. She turned back and gave me a small smile. I saw the love she felt for me in her caring brown eyes. She had beautiful shortish brown black hair. She was 5'3 and she was beautiful.
She walked out of my room and I couldn't help going to my desk and looking at the picture of Savannah, Nathan and I at the beach last summer-7 months ago-we were happy, and I could see the resemblance of me and Nathan. We both had hazel eyes. He had short chestnut brown hair, while I had long chestnut brown hair. He was 5'8 and I was 5'5.
Why did I have to catch Andy-my cheating bastard ex-boyfriend-cheating on me? Why did I have to go home crying to my brother? Why did he have to suggest us going out that night? Why did I have to agree? Why did he have to protect me instead of himself? Why………okay no more whys, no more of any of that. What happened happened and now I have to grieve and miss my brother, but I also have to move on from that.
I immediately went to continue working on my history project so I could get my mind off it. I wanted to work on it all night so I wouldn't have to go to sleep, so I wouldn't have that awful dream. But like always I never get what I want. Okay that' not true but still.
I eventually got so exhausted all the words on the computer screen were blurred and I decided it was time to go to bed. It was 2:00am when I went to sleep. It was a good thing it was Sunday tomorrow-or today-because I hate being exhausted for school.
I woke up at 10:am and knew right away that I didn't have the nightmare. If I had I would have woken up in the middle of the night gasping for air, thinking it was happening forgetting it was just a memory. I don't know why I didn't have it but I was relieved. For the first time in two weeks I had a good nights sleep.
I got out of bed and threw on some sweat pants, and t-shirt and a sweater. I put my slippers on and headed downstairs to find my mom making French toast-which she hasn't done in two weeks. And that's when I knew that I had to agree to go to a grief counsellor. I don't know why but something about my mom making the French toast made me realise I had to. Not only to please her but because she's moving on this way and I have to move on in a way that I have to talk to someone, not right away of course but slowly, I'll be able to talk about it.
"Morning mom." I said walking into the kitchen.
"Oh morning Mel, I didn't realise you were awake yet I was just about to go and wake you up for breakfast." my mom said.
"Well I am." I told her sitting at the table.
"Can you go wake your sister up please." my mom asked, and I saw in her eyes that she was really stressed. She was tired and doing this didn't help. She's been tired for so long. Lately she her brown hair is always messed up or in a sloppy bun. She always has bags under her eyes. And what makes it worse is how dad, his way of dealing with it is to work more, leaving my mom to deal with me and my sister, and our grief along with hers.
"Sure mom." I went upstairs to Savannah's room and knocked on the door.
"Yeah?" she called.
"Breakfast, we're having French toast." I told her, I could almost picture her surprise.
"We are?" she asked, not hiding the surprise in her voice.
"Yeah so come on." I said, and the next thing I knew she was out of her room. We headed downstairs and set the table for breakfast. Dad had gone to work early, or had slept there. So he wasn't there and I could tell how much that weighed on my mom. She needed him and he wasn't here.
"Mom." I said halfway through breakfast.
"Yeah honey?" my mom asked, looking up with tired eyes.
"I decided I'd go to see the grief counsellor." I told her and I saw her eyes brighten a bit at that.
"Really?" she asked.
"Yeah mom." I said, and smiled, and she gave me a small tired smile back.
"So it's every Saturday at 4:00pm, for the family." my mom said. Not sounding as tired as she had before.
"Okay and separately? When are those?" I asked her, and she brightened even more.
"We can call and make an appointment that would regular for you." my mom said. I smiled at her, and for the rest of breakfast we were all a little more happier, even without dad there.
Author's note: So i'm really not sure where this is going to go, or if anyone will think it's any good. But i hope, so review it and be brutally honest. This one doesn't have a plan like 'How did I not know you' but I'm hoping that just going with it will still work out.
I'll admit this first chapter isn't the best, but I hope people like it. So please review!