I have a confession to make. I fell in love and let me be the first to tell you that what I don't know about love can fill this book. I never even thought I could fall in love. My heart was slowly and deliberately covered with a rock hard force as stone-like as any precious gem. So, when my eyes happened upon his face I thought,
"Nice smile, nice eyes, reminds me of someone but I can't place him."
I was in his sites, a game to play. All's fair in love and war. Love triangles, romance novels, tears shed by the girls he left behind. But I was never going to vulnerable to his wily ways. His overt flirtation was met with absolute "foot in mouth." I infuriated him. Was I deaf and dumb? Probably just dumb was what he thought. He could never have guessed what my home life was like and what I dealt with daily because he had not known what hitting rock bottom felt like...yet.
I stayed in the shadows. He gave hints and clues when he saw I was not treated as an equal. I understood, but I could not answer that I knew he was correct. I had to keep the cover up. I was treated like shit. Then I witnessed his fall from within my mind. I felt his ups and downs. I reached out in my thoughts and dreams, but he never saw me. Understandable, I was too far below his radar. But once he fell, more like once he started to recover his life, he seemed to be able to think on another level, my level. We shared on path of thoughts among all the connections I had made in my life, now we shared one.
What I saw threw me, he was strong, stronger then I ever imagined. He came back to help me. Why? Why help me? Was the game that important? Was he out to...all my paranoia went out the window. He cared and he knew I loved him.
I thought my loving him would scare him away. I thought he could never break the shell around my heart. I was partially right. He did not break the shell, my heart is still very much buried deep within. It is how I think about my emotions, how I protect myself. The love is there, I feel it, but how did his bright light get inside the dark caverns deep inside of me?
It wasn't through presents, he did buy me presents. It wasn't through kindness, he has been kind. No gesture or action would cut the barrier. It was his words. His words are what made their way inside.
He wrote stories more and more, I became saturated and I found the protective surface to be porous. More and more the stories came in and I read day and night. I read everything, even if I didn't send a response. He wanted to write and I wanted to read what he wrote because what he wrote warmed my cold heart.
I want the next step to be closer to him. Can he want me? If I told him my feelings, would he let me in?What would happen if we looked into each others souls, if we kissed, if...
Oh dearest diary, can I get over my abuse and find some happiness?