Volcanic Eruption chap three
"God Damn It!, I love you. What an idiot I am" I blurted out.
blink, blink stood a stunned man in front of me.
"Didn't know I loved you like a daisy petal plucking idiot, did you?" my feeble comeback.
"Daisy petal plucking" repeated the stunned man now stunned and grinning. He repeated the words as if memorizing a word for a school test. I knew he was off in his head bouncing those words against all six surfaces like in a racquetball court, fast and in predictable patterns.
I looked at my feet for a few minutes and then looked up finding my bag. I walked calmly over and took it and headed for the door. He beat me to it.
"Hey, now, where do you think you're going?" He asked.
"I've done my damage, enough for both of us, now I'm leaving." I said to me feet.
"I'm up here." he said as he gently pushed on my chin with two fingers. I tilted mt head up and held back the urge to take his fingers and put them in my mouth. That would start something that I knew wouldn't end until the following day.
"You love me." he said, emphasizing that it was a statement and not a question.
"But, I, I...don't trust you." I stutter out finally.
"Please.' he says as well as with his eyes.
We are locked together in the afternoon sunlight. The dust floating sparingly around us in a tired swirl from the moved air we created coming to the front door. Now that we have stood here for a few minutes, most has settled either on us or past us and onto the floor.
"Why are you interested in me? Don't you think I'm just a tease?" I ask with worry.
"You're not a tease. I'm very patient." He responds. He motions for us to sit on the sofa. I curl up next to him, loving how it feels to be against him.
"We have fooled around, but we have not, done the deed, officially. Want me to tell you why?" I ask.
"If you trust me." he responds.
"Have you ever watched the movie The Big Chill?" I continue.
"Yeah." he says.
"You know the William Hurt character?" I asked, he pounces back with a response.
"Oh my , you are a man who is an injured war veteran who is impotent?" he quickly blurts out.
"You've seen my body, does that make any sense?" I ask.
"I was just relating the movie to what you are saying." he says as if talking to someone behind him.
"Are you going to joke all through this?" I demand.
"If the shoe fits." he says. I am bewildered.
"I'm not sure if what you are going to say is a real problem or just a hang up YOU have. Got that." he says as he knocks gently on my head with his knuckles as if knocking on a door. "I love your body, I am turned on and don't think there is anything to stop us but." he says but holds back the last thought.
Yeah, a definite hang up, but the truth is, I am so ready for you." I say.
"You are?" he asks. I look into his eyes, then close mine.
"I am." I say.
What's your hangup?" he asks. "It's your boyfriend, your family, and you don't want to give up, well, you care for him, maybe even love him..." he starts, but I interrupt him.
"I don't love him, alright. Maybe once, but I don't. I'm not afraid of losing anything. That's not true, I'm afraid of losing you." I say.
"You don't have to worry about that." he says.
"I really have no feeling left after he threatened me. I don't deserve that." I say. " And my feelings for you have no connection with him." I go on. " I fell in love with you and was not looking for it."
"That's when it happens." he says. "Love, I mean, when you don't expect it. I fought hard not to fall for you." he said.
"I took a vow, for myself, to be celibate. I mean it, not for religious reasons, but I felt the devoted commitment to the seriousness of that statement. I was not ever going to have sex again."
"What happened?" he asked.
"You." I say as I snuggle in closer to him, wanting more then ever to melt right into the sofa and disappear. This type of honestly was stressing for me.
"You, I have never wanted anyone like I want you. I thought, it would be a breeze, live a life without sex. But do you have any idea how long I have been..." I stop.
"How long you've been longing for me?" he says with raised eyebrows and a small smile.
"You teasing?" I ask.
"Just a bit." he says.
"Why did you make this commitment to never have sex? Are you afraid of getting close to someone?" he asks in a very serious face.
"No. I just, well, you know something bad happened." I say.
"You never truly elaborated." he says.
"No, but after that well, painful experience, came doctors and then, I never felt anything. I tried sex, I tried and tried, and." I started rambling.
"I get it." he stops me.
"I felt nothing. So why bother. And I was tired of "faking it"" I say. "Then I had one more surgery."
"Did that fix things?" he asked.
"It was supposed to, but I never tried it out. I wasn't going to fake it and I didn't want to get into a fight with some jerk calling me frigid." I was shaking now as I spoke. He held me close.
" I met you, fell in love, and knew in my bones that no matter what happened, you wouldn't hurt me, emotionally over this." I say.
" I could never hurt you." he said.
"I want to try. And if it doesn't well, there are always other things we can do." I bat my eyelashes.
"You mean right now? Oh, the pressure. I don't know if I can perform under, oh well, let's go see." he said and popped up from the couch pulling me right to me feet. He smiles and draws in tightly to a bear hug.
" Why did you come along? I have never wanted sex before you. Now, it is all I think about." I say
"You're repeating yourself." he says.
"Then enough talk, just take me to bed." I say.
"As you wish, M'lady." he says and we walk hand in hand to the bedroom.
I had to end the chapter there, and there are things I don't like...it sounds like a Viagra commercial at then end. So, I'll be back.