She was always walking away when she thought of all she wanted to say. She was leaving the man she loved and walking toward her car.
"Why didn't I just say something?" she thought. A single thought that led to a group conversation in her head.
"You couldn't say anything, there were others there."
"There's always someone else there. He lives in party central."
"I know, parties every weekend, and I want to be alone with him."
"Am I going to be a 50 year old virgin?"
"So, what, call him up?"
"Tell him I want to protect him. I don't want to open up and tell him things."
"Why? What do you care what he thinks."
"If he loves you , he won't judge you...right? Not going to make that same old mistake again?"
"Call him and say, what...ever have ?"
"Remember what he said to you, long ago...Don't say THAT on your first date."
"A first date. What is that?"
"OK,OK, if you were comfortable enough, what would you tell him."
"That is a broken wall named Hoover."
"Um, isn't that name used with vacuum jokes?"
" What are you trying to say?"
"I don't know."
"Keep going. I don't want to be blamed for anything you don't write."
"I want all the wonderful things he writes about. Just the wonderful please."
"I would say, I have made some really unusual choices in my life. Choices that most people would not make, but I have very good reasons for making them. Even though they might not make much sense to you, they make perfect sense to me."
"Choice one, to leave abusive situations. I have left them before."
"I end up in abusive relationships because I trusted people. Get that past tense."
"So, I have moved on. No more trust, no more let down."
"I will not do what I do not want to . That is a biggy. And he would have to like me even if I'm weird and getting weirder. He wouldn't have to live with me or anything. Maybe we could have a once a year anniversary wild night of passion. Then he could go live his life like in a Kundera novel."
"I don't know if all those parts needed for sex work. If they don't what would I do? Tell him? Lie and pretend ? I'm tired of acting. What if I don't have anything sweet to find on a spot. What if there is no spot between f and h. What if his kisses don't make my head spin?"
"I do know that when I see him, my stomach doesn't just do flips. My hearts soars and blooms all at once. Does that make any sense?"
"Do you ever?"
"Please give an example, when can something soar/fly and bloom?"
"It is like seeing a once in a life time flight, like a tree full of Lunar moths all leave their resting spot at once and then noticing the tree was a beautiful flowering tree in full bloom. Each action leaving more to ponder."
"God, I am so weird."
"I'm not saying anything."
"I love him."
"Oh, now you've said it."
giggles off to bed.