Oh man, what's this? Years after my last story, long after anyone who may have remembered me is gone, a superhero parody?
I guess it is.
Setting: The futuristic love-city of Megatopia!
Megapoliceman: Man, I'm sure glad I can't serve as a stale prop for violence in some super powered hijinks in our superhuman-free city.
AND THEN AN EXPLOSION!
Megapoliceman: *shattered and bleeding* OH GOD! MY FACE! TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER! OH GOD, WHO WILL RAISE OUR CHILDREN?!
*As the smoke dissolves, a figure can be dimly seen. It is none other than the nefarious MAGICIAN!*
Megapoliceman: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?! OH MY GOD! I LOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH!
Magician: Hey man, I love her too. ZING!
Megapoliceman: *retches blood, twitches*
Magician: And now I'm off for some vaguely defined villainy!
MEANWHILE, IN THE CITY'S RED-LIGHT DISTRICT!
Prostitute: Thank God we live in a city so safe that hookers aren't afraid to operate in broad daylight!
Narrator: But hold on, fair maiden! A laser beam appears to be slicing through the skyscrapers around you!
Prostitute: OH MY GOD! A laser beam is slicing through the skyscrapers around me!
Narrator: It's the mass-murdering vampire COUNT VON LASER BEAM! An undead creature of the night who also has laser vision for some reason!
Count Von Laser Beam: I'm not sure why I'm all of a sudden going on a destructive rampage, but that doesn't mean I can't have fun doing it!
Prostitute: Aren't you a vampire? It's 2 in the afternoon.
Count Von Laser Beam: So?
Prostitute: Vampires, like, die in the sun. Don't they?
Count Von Laser Beam: SCREW THE RULES, I HAVE LASERS
And so a message goes out across the city: By TV, by radio, by internet, by tweet, Mayor Makkys calls for help!
Mayor Makkys: So like, these two super villain guys are being total dicks and I have no idea why. Seriously…no idea at all why. So, like, I figure there must be some superheroes out there. If so now is a good time to reveal yourselves, probably, before we get our asses handed to us by some fag dressed up as a magician and an improbable vampire. *flicks button* Okay, so that covers the radio and TV broadcasts. Nephil, prepare to copy my tweet.
Secretary Nephil: Gotcha.
Makkys: LAWLFAGZ SUP 2 QUEERS FUKN UP MAH CITEEZ-read that back to me, will you?
Nephil: A fail is you.
ACROSS THE CITY, PEOPLE HEAR THE CALL!
Mark: Oh my god. This is it! This is totally my chance to prove I'm a superhero!
Marie: Mark I love you so much it hurts.
Mark: There's no time, Marie! I've got to take down the Magician!
Marie: Mark, please listen to me. My heart-
Mark: *leaps into the street where the Magician is idly blazing away several antique shops* That will be the last fine China you ruin, FIEND-
Magician: *idly flicks his fingers and lights Mark on fire*
Mark: OH GOD! OH JESUS IT BURNS! OH GOD, THE FLAMES ARE IN MY LUNGS!
Marie: *runs over* MARK! OH GOD, NO!
Mark: Marie….guess I wasn't…a superhero…
Marie: Mark. MARK, GOD NO.
Mark: I think the part…that hurts the most…is that I die…not ever knowing whether…a certain someone loved me.
Marie: Mark, I do, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Mark: I love you too..Roger.
The Magician: HAH! Oh man.
FORTUNATELY FOR PEOPLE, A SUPERHERO ALSO HEARS THE CALL! A young, seemingly normal man named Kali who works in a pizzeria…
Kali: I hate helping people!
Kali's manager, Mak: Listen asshole. I didn't ruin my chances at a fulfilling job by never applying myself in school just so punks like you could sass me. Serve those god damn customers.
Television: AND NOW FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE MAYOR!
Makkys: Okay, so, apparently superheroes aren't as charitable as I thought they might be. Whoever defeats the Magician and Count Von Laser Beam gets a million dollars. Happy? Normal citizens, please don't try to defeat them, you'll be slaughtered. *pauses, then laughs* Ha, like I give a fuck.
Nephil (off-camera): Sir, the camera is still on.
Makkys: Oh, MOTHERFU-*tv cuts off*
Kali: Pffft. Fuck this job. I'll take down those two asschewers and collect the million.
Mak: Hah. Good luck, you gibbering ape. You're no superhero.
Kali: Or…AM I?
Mak: No. Shut up.
Narrator: Unbeknownst to Kali's simple manager Mak, KALI TOTALLY IS A SUPERHERO
Mak: Oh, god damn it.
Narrator: With the power to pull a gigantic hammer from the fuck out of nowhere like some sort of crazy loony tunes cartoon or bad anime character, he pulverizes people's skulls with ease!
Kali: Like so! *SMACK*
Woman: OH GOD, MY BABY!
Narrator: And so, with the rise of two evils, a force for good has appeared. He-
Woman: HE KILLED MY BABY!
Narrator: …Surely Kali can save us from the dastardly designs of the Magician and Count Von Laser Beam!
MEANWHILE, IN DOWNTOWN MEGATOPIA!
Kali: Wow, how did I get here so quickly?
Magician: Who the hell are you? Why are you holding a hammer? Do you know how many people I've burnt to death today in totally hilarious ways? It was seven. The rest, not so funny.
Kali: Don't care. *swings hammer wildly at Magician, who barely ducks in time*
Magician: Okay, so, you like, have an oversized hammer. I'm fucking magic. You aren't going to like how this ends. Wait, why am I even talking to you? YOU GO BOOM NOW!
Kali: *miraculously survives explosions*
Magician: Well shit. Invulnerable too? Fuck it, I'll be back later. I don't feel like dealing with this right now. *teleports away in a flash of blinding light*
Kali: I guess that counts. I MEAN FUCK YEAH, MILLION DOLLARS, THAT TOTALLY COUNTS! I DEFEATED THE MAGICIAN, YOU ALL SAW IT!
Random citizen: No I-
Kali: Yes you FUCKING DID.
Narrator: Mayor Makkys watches from his millions of cameras he has planted around the city that aren't creepy or a disturbing indicator of the society of Megatopia at all!
Makkys: Astonishing. Truly astonishing.
Nephil: He certainly is a handsome young man, isn't he?
Makkys: Christ Nephil, keep your fucking skirt on.
Nephil: What?! I'm allowed to say someone's good looking without being a fucking nympho, you jackass.
Makkys: You're right, that was out of line. I'm sorry.
Makkys: No. But I do wonder where this superhero has been hiding this whole time. Where did he come from? Where did he get his powers? I wonder.
Nephil: Maybe he got…like…bitten by a…radioactive hammer?
Makkys: Listen. I hate you.
Narrator: And so with the Magician having fled, all that remains between the city and peace is the dastardly COUNT VON LASER BEAM! But this foul villain has heard of Kali's defeat of the magician through his mystical powers-
Count Von Laser Beam: *On cell phone* He what? Shit. Guess I better watch out. Okay, see you later, Magician.
Narrator: And is even now coming up with a plan to hinder our hero!
Count Von Laser Beam: Man, it's been a while since I had to deal with a superhero. Well, taking hostages usually seems to end well for normal villains! *points to random woman walking by* You, what's your name?
Woman: Um, Stacy?
Count Von Laser Beam: Okay. You are my hostage now.
Stacy: What? FUCK NO! *draws handgun*
Count Von Laser Beam: *disintegrates handgun with eye beams* You are my hostage now.
Stacy: Well I guess I am then.