Soundtrack for a Lost Friendship
I sit behind you in class, a fact that had made us grin and highfive at the time, but now just makes me sink a little farther into the hard plastic chair. I should be paying attention to class, you'd think that not having you speak to me would help me grades, but it hasn't. I spend all my time in class not looking at you.
I can't think when you're chatting with him as if you haven't a care. I suppose you don't.
We used to be best friends. We aren't now. We never really had a moment of falling out. We simply drifted away.
Or rather, you drifted away. I feel like I'm still here. Only now I'm alone and I'm the only one who cares.
I'm the only one who thinks of all those nights of texting until the early morning. I'm the only one who remembers that time you snuck over and we had to stay real quiet, so my parents wouldn't find out. I'm the only one who cares that whenever I think of my birthday-- when you stole the birthday hat my father bought as a joke and wore it around the mall, frightening strangers-- I want to cry. Sometimes I do cry, but it's fine as long as no one hears.
No one ever does.
You have a new friend. He's nice, perfectly fine. I wish I could hate him.
I wish I could hate you-- everything would be much simpler. I'm not mad, I'm just hurt and lonely.
I tap my pencil against the desk a little louder when you start talking. Just hearing your voice makes me remember things. And I can't break down now. I look at the teacher, but I'm not seeing anything, not really. I'm just hoping that I can keep my mouth shut one more day. Just till the end of the year, then I'll have all Summer to practice not caring about you.
The bell rings moments later and you and him stand to leave. He'll be driving you home, of course. I don't even look at you, but you smile at me as you walk away with him. "Bye!" You call and I cringe, even as I mumble a reply.
I drive home with the music blasting and I can't cry yet. I have to wait, but the music hurt to listen to. It's music I chose, but the meanings have changed now. I can't listen to this CD, it's too full of memories. I can't hear this one because they make me miss you.
I end up with the CD that should mean nothing about you, I made it before all of this. But even those songs have ironic twists to them now.
I turn off the music as I turn into my driveway.
I drop my phone on the floor by my bed and sit in my chair by the desk. I just sit, waiting for the walls to crash around me. They don't and I think I'm a little disappointed.
The silence around me is louder than any music. It tells me that I should stop waiting for you to call, because you won't. You're with him and you don't care. I'm alone and I'm supposed to be fine. I don't know how to be. Time?
It's not like I have many options. You're happy with it the way it is and I can't change that.
Maybe this is best. Maybe it isn't. For now I just spin in my chair and let the silence wash over me like a cocoon. I feel like the world can't touch me. Sensory deprivation perhaps?
Loneliness seems to have given me a poetic edge that isn't my own.
It isn't the silence of the world I'm hearing; it's the silence of my phone. I need to stop waiting. I need to call someone.
I don't know anyone who would pick up.
Short and stupid. I'm sorry. Unbeta'd and useless, but that's kind of the theme for my day. ^^''